Why is it that most of us want GIRLS?

It seems so obvious in talking with other moms and reading online that the overwhelming majority of mothers with GD wish they had daughters? I barely ever read about moms who desperately want sons. I thought it was just me until I just recently discovered the term "Gender Disappointment" and it opened up a whole new world to me. Blogs and more blogs about "Life Without Pink." Finally I'm not the only one experiencing these feelings. But on the other hand it almost makes it seem worse that this is so one sided, as if the fact that women are so commonly sad they are without daughters even more of a confirmation that we are missing out on something huge. Its such an emotional rollercoaster somedays. Just wanted to share my thoughts.

I have noticed that too, the women i know who have only daughters sont seem so 'hung up' about not having a son, but the other way round is a different story!

Totally. I had this discussion at work recently and all the 3 other women spoke up about how they are "still not over never having a daughter" even years after their last child was born. The women who never had sons were totally unphased by it. Naturally.

I think its because we are girls?
And there are differences in men and women. And that results in the need of having someone on our side?

I think men have this with sons.

(There are exceptions of course)

But for me its something like that. Sharing girl things with my daughter. Bonding with her like i did with my mom. Someone who looks op to me as a girl rolemodel.
Someone i can relate to. Knowing how she feels growing up. Getting breasts, falling in love, choices in life etc.

Not that i can't do that with my sons. But sometimes i just don't understand the manly brain. LoL.

And i know its an illusion. But i think this al based on feelings not common sence.

Yes i would say my yearn for daughters is more about passing on my girly knowledge and having someone to do girly stuff with. I know you can get tomboy girls ofcourse, but im not into 'boys' things,games,toys at all but im mesmerised by the girls section in every shop lol.:princess:

I had GD with my first son and then....well not sure I would use the word severe, because he was just and still is seriously cute (no bias of course!) but certainly stronger GD when my second son was born and it felt worse because Mum seemed to suffer it too and what I needed from her was support and love not disappointment that I had another son, because she had a daughter, so what did it really, honestly, have to do with her?! But looking back I'm assuming her disappointment was for me....mostly. The funny thing about it is that she had my brother first (she had a PP) and she said she desperately wanted a girl and got me BUT if backed into a corner she will admit my brother is her favourite!! And she doesn't have to admit this because it is BLATANTLY obvious LOL! I'm totally fine about it, but what amuses me, is that most women (certainly not all) want a daughter (as well as a son) yet often women favour their sons!! A little ironic really.

Just food for thought on our gender desires and how it pans out in the long run. What I do know is that I wouldn't wish GD on my worst enemy.

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Originally Posted by aussiesmiler

I had GD with my first son and then....well not sure I would use the word severe, because he was just and still is seriously cute (no bias of course!) but certainly stronger GD when my second son was born and it felt worse because Mum seemed to suffer it too and what I needed from her was support and love not disappointment that I had another son, because she had a daughter, so what did it really, honestly, have to do with her?! But looking back I'm assuming her disappointment was for me....mostly. The funny thing about it is that she had my brother first (she had a PP) and she said she desperately wanted a girl and got me BUT if backed into a corner she will admit my brother is her favourite!! And she doesn't have to admit this because it is BLATANTLY obvious LOL! I'm totally fine about it, but what amuses me, is that most women (certainly not all) want a daughter (as well as a son) yet often women favour their sons!! A little ironic really.

Just food for thought on our gender desires and how it pans out in the long run. What I do know is that I wouldn't wish GD on my worst enemy.

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Your mum sounds like my mum. When she found out we were having our second boy (keeping in mind i already have a daughter) she couldn't hide her disappoinment. Then every time we went shopping she'd look longingly at little baby girls in prams and say to me "why can't you be having one of those??!"... And then we'd be in a store and she'd pick up the cutest girls dress she could find and sigh.... I mean seriously, how rude! It really hurt to know that somehow I was disappointing her by having a son. Im sure that attributed to some GD on my part. It was like my son wasn't valued. It really hurt.

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Originally Posted by sweetdream

I think its because we are girls?
And there are differences in men and women. And that results in the need of having someone on our side?

I think men have this with sons.

(There are exceptions of course)

But for me its something like that. Sharing girl things with my daughter. Bonding with her like i did with my mom. Someone who looks op to me as a girl rolemodel.
Someone i can relate to. Knowing how she feels growing up. Getting breasts, falling in love, choices in life etc.

Not that i can't do that with my sons. But sometimes i just don't understand the manly brain. LoL.

And i know its an illusion. But i think this al based on feelings not common sence.

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True! As as women we are much more emotional thinkers. I am honestly jealous of those women that are thrilled to be a mom of only boys. I adore my son, but I'd be lying if I don't acknowledge that I fight feelings of wanting a daughter as well, everyday.

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Originally Posted by familymatters

Your mum sounds like my mum. When she found out we were having our second boy (keeping in mind i already have a daughter) she couldn't hide her disappoinment. Then every time we went shopping she'd look longingly at little baby girls in prams and say to me "why can't you be having one of those??!"... And then we'd be in a store and she'd pick up the cutest girls dress she could find and sigh.... I mean seriously, how rude! It really hurt to know that somehow I was disappointing her by having a son. Im sure that attributed to some GD on my part. It was like my son wasn't valued. It really hurt.

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I think other women feel free to express their disappointment in our all or mostly boy families and I think it is rude and makes GD worse. There are a few people who have done this to me and it makes me avoid them. I do avoid some of moms of girls because I'm sensitive to those kinds of comments. My mom had a PP but never expressed disappointment. I'm grateful to her for that. I think that's very insensitive and I worry about the daughters of some of the women on GD forums who have and only want girls. What if they only have boys?

I have several friends who have all girls and they do really want a boy. Like really sad they never had one. But it does seem like it's worse for moms on GD boards.

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Originally Posted by pink_bean

I think other women feel free to express their disappointment in our all or mostly boy families and I think it is rude and makes GD worse. There are a few people who have done this to me and it makes me avoid them. I do avoid some of moms of girls because I'm sensitive to those kinds of comments. My mom had a PP but never expressed disappointment. I'm grateful to her for that. I think that's very insensitive and I worry about the daughters of some of the women on GD forums who have and only want girls. What if they only have boys?

I have several friends who have all girls and they do really want a boy. Like really sad they never had one. But it does seem like it's worse for moms on GD boards.

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Yes, I totally agree. I completely avoid my SIL after she got pregnant the month after I delivered my son with a girl. For the first few months of her pregnancy before she knew the gender she would constantly send me text messages with pics of ugly boy clothes and make comments like "ugh, please don't let this be me, etc.." Of course she had a girl.
She even has the nerve to complain to me about the selection of girl clothing. I unfollow her on FB and avoid her altogether.
(She is truly a terrible person on top of all the insensitive gender comments so I don't miss out on too much)

In a gym class the other day a group of women were discussing the issue of GD actually, as one of the women was due to give birth any day to her 3rd boy. Two of the other women also had 3 boys and were commiserating in how hard never having a daughter still is for them. My friend who has 1 child, a daughter, chimed in with a huge grin on her face "at least you don't have to spend so much $$ on ALL the adorable clothes and dance classes!"
I wanted to scream. I couldn't imagine being so clueless even if I were on the other side. I sometimes feel as though they do it on purpose just to rub it in. Or maybe I'm just oversensitive.

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Originally Posted by Wantanother2017

Yes, I totally agree. I completely avoid my SIL after she got pregnant the month after I delivered my son with a girl. For the first few months of her pregnancy before she knew the gender she would constantly send me text messages with pics of ugly boy clothes and make comments like "ugh, please don't let this be me, etc.." Of course she had a girl.
She even has the nerve to complain to me about the selection of girl clothing. I unfollow her on FB and avoid her altogether.
(She is truly a terrible person on top of all the insensitive gender comments so I don't miss out on too much)

In a gym class the other day a group of women were discussing the issue of GD actually, as one of the women was due to give birth any day to her 3rd boy. Two of the other women also had 3 boys and were commiserating in how hard never having a daughter still is for them. My friend who has 1 child, a daughter, chimed in with a huge grin on her face "at least you don't have to spend so much $$ on ALL the adorable clothes and dance classes!"
I wanted to scream. I couldn't imagine being so clueless even if I were on the other side. I sometimes feel as though they do it on purpose just to rub it in. Or maybe I'm just oversensitive.

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I think some people are emotionally stunted. I have come across many smart people who have a complete inability to empathize... It never fails to amaze/shock/annoy me.

I remember standing around at a birthday party once and there was a mum who had just had her third baby boy. She opened up to me about wanting to try HT which I thought was very brave considering how negatively some people respond to it. Anyway another mum caught the tail end of our conversation (she has a DS and then had a DD) and said "Omg did you just DIE when you found out you were having a third boy??? I would have wanted to kill myself hahahahaha there is only so much stinky dirty boy stuff I can deal with"...... You could have heard a pin drop. What the actual f*? As IF you say that? This is why GD can feel so much worse, it's the idiots you have to deal with on a daily basis.

Then the poor mum.of 3 boys had to try and tell this woman that no, she was actually very happy to have 3 boys etc. How awful.

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Originally Posted by familymatters

I think some people are emotionally stunted. I have come across many smart people who have a complete inability to empathize... It never fails to amaze/shock/annoy me.

I remember standing around at a birthday party once and there was a mum who had just had her third baby boy. She opened up to me about wanting to try HT which I thought was very brave considering how negatively some people respond to it. Anyway another mum caught the tail end of our conversation (she has a DS and then had a DD) and said "Omg did you just DIE when you found out you were having a third boy??? I would have wanted to kill myself hahahahaha there is only so much stinky dirty boy stuff I can deal with"...... You could have heard a pin drop. What the actual f*? As IF you say that? This is why GD can feel so much worse, it's the idiots you have to deal with on a daily basis.

Then the poor mum.of 3 boys had to try and tell this woman that no, she was actually very happy to have 3 boys etc. How awful.

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Wow...I am starting to become more vocal myself about this kind of garbage being said.

My heart breaks for anyone who doesn't get their desired gender and how delicate of a subject this is whether you want a boy or girl. People are so careless and 'unintentionally' hurtful.

Just want to share the other side to this. I have also noticed many woman on these boards wanting girls but I strongly desire another boy! My husband seriously could careless (which is so helpful when dealing with GD...not).

I have 4 kids, and we had our 3rd girl in October and I wanted another boy so badly. My older son is from a previous relationship but we are not open about this (my husband has been there from the beginning)... So, people just seriously don't understand. In addition, my sister who is 4 years older... doesn't have kids yet, but, wants just one... so, overall I have to keep my desires to myself. It gets pretty awful, guilty, and lonely... when I should just feel blessed. :/ The hardest part of having swaying for a boy and now being a 'girl mom' has been reading that it's because boys are born to more physically fit woman with better nutrition or better fertility with husbands that have great sperm counts... That's the killer!

Every woman should have the opportunity to have their desired gender! If you are swaying for your girl, I am sending you ALL OF MY PINK DUST!

PS, I feel like I work very hard not to favor my son over the girls or vise a versa. I try to be conscious of this all the time!

Hi bre , .... You can have all my blue dust xx
Hugs

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Originally Posted by Wantanother2017

Wow...I am starting to become more vocal myself about this kind of garbage being said.

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I am as well and actually have some pretty vicious comebacks at the ready that I've thankfully never actually had to use. Nothing negative about girls or comparing genders, just to make the person feel like a terrible human being and hooefully make them think about what they said. I'm 1000% stronger then I was when I got the worst of the comments, but it can be so hard when you are trying to process your own GD. Still, I don't think people should be excused from making those comments. If they really don't know any better maybe they need to be told so they stop.

OP I feel this way too. In fact I LOVE reading the posts on here about women who really want a boy - makes me feel better. My mother-in-law wanted a girl so badly that she dressed my husband in pink when he was born. Yeah, she is a little bit crazy. She did have my sister-in-law after my husband. And he is, miles away, her favorite. She often tells me what a heartache her daughter has been (like I said...she is kind of nuts...) and what a dream her son has been. Even my sister-in-law half laughs/is half disgusted about the fact that her brother is clearly #1 for their mom. Interesting stuff.

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Originally Posted by familymatters

I think some people are emotionally stunted. I have come across many smart people who have a complete inability to empathize... It never fails to amaze/shock/annoy me.

I remember standing around at a birthday party once and there was a mum who had just had her third baby boy. She opened up to me about wanting to try HT which I thought was very brave considering how negatively some people respond to it. Anyway another mum caught the tail end of our conversation (she has a DS and then had a DD) and said "Omg did you just DIE when you found out you were having a third boy??? I would have wanted to kill myself hahahahaha there is only so much stinky dirty boy stuff I can deal with"...... You could have heard a pin drop. What the actual f*? As IF you say that? This is why GD can feel so much worse, it's the idiots you have to deal with on a daily basis.

Then the poor mum.of 3 boys had to try and tell this woman that no, she was actually very happy to have 3 boys etc. How awful.

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Wow, a comment like that could really send someone over the edge if they were dealing with any kind of depression like post partum, GD or even sleep deprivation. She was basically saying the woman is better off dead which is just cruel and an outright lie but like I said, if you were already in a difficult place you might believe it. What a terrible, heartless, irresponsible thing to say!

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Originally Posted by bre_cooper11

My heart breaks for anyone who doesn't get their desired gender and how delicate of a subject this is whether you want a boy or girl. People are so careless and 'unintentionally' hurtful.

Just want to share the other side to this. I have also noticed many woman on these boards wanting girls but I strongly desire another boy! My husband seriously could careless (which is so helpful when dealing with GD...not).

I have 4 kids, and we had our 3rd girl in October and I wanted another boy so badly. My older son is from a previous relationship but we are not open about this (my husband has been there from the beginning)... So, people just seriously don't understand. In addition, my sister who is 4 years older... doesn't have kids yet, but, wants just one... so, overall I have to keep my desires to myself. It gets pretty awful, guilty, and lonely... when I should just feel blessed. :/ The hardest part of having swaying for a boy and now being a 'girl mom' has been reading that it's because boys are born to more physically fit woman with better nutrition or better fertility with husbands that have great sperm counts... That's the killer!

Every woman should have the opportunity to have their desired gender! If you are swaying for your girl, I am sending you ALL OF MY PINK DUST!

PS, I feel like I work very hard not to favor my son over the girls or vise a versa. I try to be conscious of this all the time!

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I admit, those theories about boy moms supposedly being more fertile or healthier or whatever they claim, do make me feel better and more confident as a "boy mom." I never thought how they might make girl moms feel. But there are also theories that beautiful women who are good at everything have more girls!
I think this was the case for my grandmother who had 3 daughters.

I think we have to take these studies with a grain of salt. It helps with information for swaying though, so that's a plus. I hope you get your dream baby boy and I send you all my blue dust!

My sister (who has 4 boys, 0 girls) explained to me after I found out the gender of my son, "having boys means while all your girl friends and their daughters are making cookies together, coloring quietly and doing the things YOU are actually interested in, instead you will be pretending to be thrilled with the snake they just found in the yard and brought in to show you, and tons of yelling and rough housing, etc"...
I tried not to cry. She would know, she has 4! That comment has echoed in my head over and over and certainly didn't help my severe GD. She didn't know I was struggling at the time.


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Four kids is a lot. I doubt anyone with four kids avoids yelling and rough housing. Also if you end up with a boy and a girl, especially in that order, there will be fighting, yelling and rough housing.

I also think boys are quite capable of sitting quietly and coloring or baking cookies. I think these are just stereotypes. Not saying it's not true in your sisters house though.

I was afraid of that also. But I have to say, my boys do love coloring and baking. They love crafting...one of their favorite things is to go to Michael's with me! Don't get me wrong, they love the boy stuff too...there are a lot of sword fights and wrestling matches and spider hunts around my house. But they also LOVE to go through my jewelry box and try stuff on! And they are sweet and sensitive. I got home from a makeover at Sephora last week and, if I do say so, they did an awesome job on my make up. I walked in the door and my precious five year old stared at me wide eyed and said, "Mummy. You look....BEEEEYOOOTIFUL!" :)

AUGH but I still want my girl! Someone to dress up! Gosh, I KNOW my boys would love to get their nails done...they always love watching me paint mine...but of course I can't do that. ;)

I guess I'm an opposite story. I always wanted boys. I cried when I found out my first was a girl and then was devastated when baby #2 was also a girl. I always connected better with boys growing up and all my best friends have been guys as well. I do love my daughters but I always strongly wanted a son! I feel like the mother son bond is so special!

I always appreciate hearing from women who want sons. I know many in real life. I really think most people want to experience both.

That's true pink bean. That reminds me of all the years I said "I'd love to have one of both." Which is nice to remember that when I get swallowed up in GD feelings.


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Originally Posted by Wantanother2017

That's true pink bean. That reminds me of all the years I said "I'd love to have one of both." Which is nice to remember that when I get swallowed up in GD feelings.


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I was the same but I still kinda hoped my first woukd be a girl and was disappointed when he was not but I got over it quickly. The bad part for me was my GD came back even worse when he was born. But I had a very difficult birth and pretty sure I had ppd that I never got treated for. I also think I had a very idealized version of the perfect baby boy that I imagined and bonded with while pregnant and my real baby was nothing like the fantasy version.

My second baby I didn't let myself imagine how he mightbe and I fell in love with him for who he was right away. Don't get me wrong, I love both my children unconditionally. Motherhood and having only sons has really humbled me but also made me very strong. I would've loved to have a daughter, that was my dream although I always wanted a son, too. But I actually imagined having a daughter and even once wrote a list of everything I would do differently with my daughter than my parents had done with me.

I don't really care about sharing all the same interests with my children or getting mani/pedis or having a dress up doll, although don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with any of those things. I just wanted to raise a little girl who felt loved enough to do anything she set her mind too. Also, my husband is amazing. I never had my dad around really, it would've been nice to see the father/daughter relationship. But for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be. I din't think girls are cuter or better behaved than boys, I just wanted to experience raising a girl.

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Originally Posted by pink_bean

I was the same but I still kinda hoped my first woukd be a girl and was disappointed when he was not but I got over it quickly. The bad part for me was my GD came back even worse when he was born. But I had a very difficult birth and pretty sure I had ppd that I never got treated for. I also think I had a very idealized version of the perfect baby boy that I imagined and bonded with while pregnant and my real baby was nothing like the fantasy version.

My second baby I didn't let myself imagine how he mightbe and I fell in love with him for who he was right away. Don't get me wrong, I love both my children unconditionally. Motherhood and having only sons has really humbled me but also made me very strong. I would've loved to have a daughter, that was my dream although I always wanted a son, too. But I actually imagined having a daughter and even once wrote a list of everything I would do differently with my daughter than my parents had done with me.

I don't really care about sharing all the same interests with my children or getting mani/pedis or having a dress up doll, although don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with any of those things. I just wanted to raise a little girl who felt loved enough to do anything she set her mind too. Also, my husband is amazing. I never had my dad around really, it would've been nice to see the father/daughter relationship. But for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be. I din't think girls are cuter or better behaved than boys, I just wanted to experience raising a girl.

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I totally feel ya. I always thought I wanted a boy first but when the sonogram day came I felt utter disappointment and shame for my feelings. The more I reflect I realize that my extremely difficult childhood (our father was very abusive) has made me desire to "redo" everything through my future daughter. Maybe thats why I haven't had a little girl, maybe it's healthier to have little boys that I won't be living my fantasy childhood though? Either way, I have a wonderful husband and father figure to my children and I would love, love for a daughter to be able to give that too. I am thrilled that my son has that as well.
I can't say how cathartic this forum has been since I recently discovered it. I honestly believe just simply being able to air out these thoughts that I've been keeping inside for so long has relieved so much pressure. I don't feel as guilty feeling this way and already and I'm able to look at these feelings objectively and for the first time ever not punish myself inside every day. It's given me more confidence in my love for my son and a self acceptance that I was not allowing myself to have since experiencing GD. I'm so grateful for you ladies.

Very interesting discussion. Funny how we are all different in our desires....I wanted a boy first and got a girl instead. I love her to bits, but struggled to bond with her . But we so close now. She's a daddy's girl and I love how my DH is committed to her and so protective of her, she's 13 now. I still want my boy, . Have almost always thought there's something special about women who have boys only. Whilst I love my dd I would not have minded having boys only. Always wanted two children, and two boys would have been ideal for me. I'm pregnant now with possibly a boy, and very anxious it might not be. Just cannot believe it and preparing to hear girl again. When I found out about this whole GD I could not believe there were some mothers who could be disappointed to have only boys. I have learnt a lot and now understand how we all different.I love boys....they are just too cute.

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I always wanted 1-2 sons and just imagined myself as a boy mom. I think little toddler boys in cargo shorts and t-shirt are the cutest thing! Having grown up with brothers and helped raised my 3 nephews, I can say boys tend to be easy going and transparent, I don't have to worry about them hiding feelings or blowing up later.
Also, I absolutely adore DH and want a little him! I want mini version of DH who is just happy go-lucky.
I'm pregnant now with my first, a girl. I never thought I would suffer such extreme gender disappointment with this pregnancy. When we were TTC, I thought I would be fine with any gender, although I had a preference for a boy. I'm almost 18 weeks along (known the gender for a month), and everyday I have to actively try to think positively. For the first 3 weeks I cried every day, and had some dark dark thoughts the pregnancy which spiraled into severe depression.

I'm now in therapy to help with my gender disappointment/prenatal depression. I've read countless threads and have received advice from people on how great it is to have a daughter, but deep down in my heart I just want my son. It does not make sense and I can't describe the emptiness. Many posters have shared their GD went away once they held their baby. I really hope that's true!

I have to disagree to a certain extent. As a mum to 3 boys oldest is almost 6 and have a stillborn baby girl who should be 3 now I see mums of girls who I get so jealous of, but after talking to them it turns out they are jealous of me because they would love a boy.

I do believe that when you want something SO BADLY you can become so sensitized that you feel as though you see it everywhere. I.e. Women who suffer with infertility often feel as though they see pregnant women everywhere they go. I'm sure there is a pet of this in my observations. However, being a labor and delivery nurse, it is a veryyy common thing to talk with patients about their desire to "try" again for a daughter. I can count on one hand the opposite. And doing a simple Google search on Gender Disappointment will yield mainly pictures of a woman with 3 boys on her hip, blogs like "Life without ribbons", etc..
If feels so nice to hear someone say they can relate to the way I feel, but for a son! GD can be so isolating sometimes. It's refreshing to be able to just get it out! [emoji3]


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I agree that on the internet it seems more women have GD for having boys and wanting a daughter. All of the people I've known in real life who've expressed GD to me were women with daughters who wanted a son. Most of my friends with boys claim they never wanted a daughter. Then again I let on to some people that I wanted a daughter in both my pregnancies and I wish I hadn't now. But I do think logically it's because we are women. I also think little girls are conditioned from childhood to want baby girls. We are given dolls that are almost always females, and I think that is a huge part of it. All those years dressing them up and we want that reality when the time comes for us to have real babies. Not the only reason but surely an influence.

I'm like fox and some others: on here because I desperately wanted a boy, and am having a girl first. And I feel extra guilty, because when we finally found out we were having a girl, I researched and thought of some truly horrible things... that's how deep and dark my GD was (and can still be at times, though much less).

I feel even guiltier because I have also been surrounded by women who struggled with infertility (and not to be the one to poo poo anything making anyone feel bad, but I have known so many women who struggled with infertility that ended up with predominantly boys, I'm curious as to what studies say boys go to "highly fertile" women -- especially since I got pregnant on the first try and during a practically dangerous, inadvertent LE diet!).

I always find myself to be a little bit different from other people with GD because, yes, so many want girls who have boys... but also because, my GD is a lot less about clothes or interests, and about fears. And I think those are valid anxieties to have, too!! Having a kid is being thrust into a whole new world already -- losing any sort of semblance of control with "well at least we might both like ___ or ___" can be jarring (even though so many opposite sex kids love so many different things and are being born into a world where they're fostered!).

But my fears rest in how I grew up a product of sexual abuse from my dad, and being one of three girls. My mom was very abusive and neglectful (though she is coming around now that I've gone low to no contact with my dad... and they're both still married, amazingly). I also experienced sexual assault as a teen and lots of sexual issues as an adult. It's taken me a long time to process and work through everything.

Having a girl was like putting all of my deepest fears and anxieties on blast: how could I protect this daughter? She would be born more likely to be a victim than any son would be. How could I help her, when I haven't been able to help myself?

My husband is, luckily, amazing and supportive and talks all the time about his dreams to have her practice martial arts, have her be open with us, etc. Him wanting a girl (though he still says, "i'd be happy with everything; I just want a healthy, happy baby) has been helpful too, since many of my anxieties were fostered by his own family's borderline-gross sexism.

So you all boy women? I am envious. I am jealous. I read all of your posts, yearning to figure out what I can do to make absolutely sure I have a boy next child.

And know that I am here for you, too: you help me, with your emphasis on showing me that yes, girls ARE okay to have -- they're desired! And that we can share these feelings with each other, away from judgment.

It's a rough basket, this GD -- I often wonder if I'd still be feeling this way if I had never suffered the abuse I did. It's hard to know, but I'm glad I have you guys here; and I hope you, OP, and everyone else process the same way I am (with professionals, etc.) so we can find some solace. <3

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Originally Posted by Throwaway_panther

I'm like fox and some others: on here because I desperately wanted a boy, and am having a girl first. And I feel extra guilty, because when we finally found out we were having a girl, I researched and thought of some truly horrible things... that's how deep and dark my GD was (and can still be at times, though much less).

I feel even guiltier because I have also been surrounded by women who struggled with infertility (and not to be the one to poo poo anything making anyone feel bad, but I have known so many women who struggled with infertility that ended up with predominantly boys, I'm curious as to what studies say boys go to "highly fertile" women -- especially since I got pregnant on the first try and during a practically dangerous, inadvertent LE diet!).

I always find myself to be a little bit different from other people with GD because, yes, so many want girls who have boys... but also because, my GD is a lot less about clothes or interests, and about fears. And I think those are valid anxieties to have, too!! Having a kid is being thrust into a whole new world already -- losing any sort of semblance of control with "well at least we might both like ___ or ___" can be jarring (even though so many opposite sex kids love so many different things and are being born into a world where they're fostered!).

But my fears rest in how I grew up a product of sexual abuse from my dad, and being one of three girls. My mom was very abusive and neglectful (though she is coming around now that I've gone low to no contact with my dad... and they're both still married, amazingly). I also experienced sexual assault as a teen and lots of sexual issues as an adult. It's taken me a long time to process and work through everything.

Having a girl was like putting all of my deepest fears and anxieties on blast: how could I protect this daughter? She would be born more likely to be a victim than any son would be. How could I help her, when I haven't been able to help myself?

My husband is, luckily, amazing and supportive and talks all the time about his dreams to have her practice martial arts, have her be open with us, etc. Him wanting a girl (though he still says, "i'd be happy with everything; I just want a healthy, happy baby) has been helpful too, since many of my anxieties were fostered by his own family's borderline-gross sexism.

So you all boy women? I am envious. I am jealous. I read all of your posts, yearning to figure out what I can do to make absolutely sure I have a boy next child.

And know that I am here for you, too: you help me, with your emphasis on showing me that yes, girls ARE okay to have -- they're desired! And that we can share these feelings with each other, away from judgment.

It's a rough basket, this GD -- I often wonder if I'd still be feeling this way if I had never suffered the abuse I did. It's hard to know, but I'm glad I have you guys here; and I hope you, OP, and everyone else process the same way I am (with professionals, etc.) so we can find some solace. <3

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Thank you for your candidness. I can relate on some levels as I came from an abusive childhood as well. Our father was very abusive and my older brother was very distant and we never had/have a good relationship. My younger sisters and I were all each other had and I often wonder if that mentality is why I am so desirous of a daughter to give a dream childhood to.
I have thought about counseling for my GD, I struggle with the shame of admitting this to even a counselor. Thoughts run through my head like "this counselor has GOT to think I am the most shallow client he/she has ever had, the person who was on this couch before me had REAL problems and I'm blubbering about potentially never having a daughter when have no fertility struggles to speak of..."
I really wonder if you would need to find someone specialized in this issue to even understand.

Not to mention, going to counseling would mean having to admit to my husband how much I really struggle with GD in the first place. Our first real conversation on the topic was recently a it was huge disappointment.

Have you met with a counselor yet? I'd love to stay abreast on any revelations you find in your journey that may help us all.

My story is a bit different. I just wanted a mixed gender family. I wanted a boy and a girl. 6 years ago I had my beautiful perfect son. He is the sweetest, funniest and smartest child a mother could want. Completely a mommy's boy. Yes he likes toy cars and getting dirty but he also loves to cook and bake with me, loves to do art projects and pretends he is a daddy to baby dolls. Never had any gender disappointment with him.


I instead got smacked with secondary infertility. We couldn't afford fertility treatment for a long time. I began to grieve for the baby girl I wanted because a second child was something I couldn't have at all.

We are now having our girl according to my Harmony results although I still struggle to believe it.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wantanother2017

Thank you for your candidness. I can relate on some levels as I came from an abusive childhood as well. Our father was very abusive and my older brother was very distant and we never had/have a good relationship. My younger sisters and I were all each other had and I often wonder if that mentality is why I am so desirous of a daughter to give a dream childhood to.
I have thought about counseling for my GD, I struggle with the shame of admitting this to even a counselor. Thoughts run through my head like "this counselor has GOT to think I am the most shallow client he/she has ever had, the person who was on this couch before me had REAL problems and I'm blubbering about potentially never having a daughter when have no fertility struggles to speak of..."
I really wonder if you would need to find someone specialized in this issue to even understand.

Not to mention, going to counseling would mean having to admit to my husband how much I really struggle with GD in the first place. Our first real conversation on the topic was recently a it was huge disappointment.

Have you met with a counselor yet? I'd love to stay abreast on any revelations you find in your journey that may help us all.

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I have! I've actually been seeing my counselor for 3+ years, and she's been a tremendous support through many things in my life.

A good counselor will NOT be thinking any of that negative stuff about you -- truly. They are in the positions they are for a reason. You can even feel free to voice that thought to them and receive validation that no, they don't think any of that about you.

I do know my husband has had a hard time with my GD, though me going through therapy and even bringing him in has at least given him the understanding of why I have it so bad.

I truly can't recommend it enough. We come from similar backgrounds with abuse, though we have different gender desires, but I can offer one big insight that I've discovered with my therapist recently: alot of my fears and GD are by inserting myself into my future child. Thinking "they will be like me, so they will have this bad stuff happen to them." Or pretty much just imagining ALL of our future children's lives to be like our own.

They won't be. You and I have earned the scars from growing up like that so our kids don't have to. You can still give your dream childhood to a son, or sons, because truly think -- if YOU had been born a son, you would have gone through abuse (though it may have been slightly different), too, because bad people will abuse children regardless of gender. And think of the dream world any future granddaughter could have, too, by having YOU as a grandma, and having one of YOUR sons as a father... because you will have raised boys in your dream childhood who will respect and cherish women, women like you, their mom!

This brought tears to my eyes. I've never thought of it this way. Thank you for this!


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