Scared of gender disappointment

Title says it all really... We are ttc pink and have two amazing boys. This is definitely, DEFINITELY or last baby and I'm just terrified of feeling acute gender disappointment. I've decided I can't face even looking at the scans and will find out at the end. I feel sure that being handed a newborn gorgeous baby boy will be easier than just being told "it's a boy" and then having all the well meaning comments in the remaining four months. Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm just so scared of being preg in a way as I know there will always have been more I could do to sway. HT is def out the question.

I was in this same situation. I have 2 DD's and we waited 4 years to even try for a third just from fear. I had mild GD with my DD2 but i guess with her i still had a chance of going for a third but with the third i knew this was the end of the road. I had wanted not to find out but honestly i was terrified that if told girl at delivery the I would be in a worse place emotinally that if i find out at 20 weeks. I guess i needed the time to get over GD before the baby was here so that i can give her the love and caring she deserves.
So i did go ahead and found out at 20 weeks and GD did hit hard. Infact i am still blaming myself for going for a third and dividing the time and attention my eldest two had for my "need" for a boy.


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Ah, honeybee.. im online so i thought id tell you that you are NOT alone. I have two boys and have already told my DH that i dont want him to attend the 20 week scan and i dont want to know what it will be until d-day.. He seems to think this is a stupid idea and would rather know the gender, however i feel i would rather just enjoy the pregnancy and not harp on it for the remainder of the pregnancy should it be another boy.. This is also our LAST baby.

It's awful isn't it.... I wake up at night in frets about it. I look at my youngest Ds and think, how could I do this to you? I don't know how he'll cope being a 'middle child' and yet I'm going through with it... Blue booties, I'm so sorry you didn't hear blue. I know it's no consolation but a v close friend has three girls and wanted a boy badly... They are the sweetest family and the girls are so close. I know nothing can prepare you for GD though. I was the same when I found out ds2 was a boy. I knew I'd probably be able to go for a third but any more would be a definite no.
I just hate the stigma of three boys. So much negativity. My dH is quite up for a surprise and didn't want to find out with the first two so that's good, but I'm scared I'll feel anxious and mull over my sway for the full nine months. I'm just scared I won't love a third boy, and I'll resent him intruding in on our family just for my desire for a baby girl.....

I would be interested in the different experiences. I'm pretty sure we will find out at an early gender scan but I'm not sure if we will tell people.

My first was a surprise which was great but I cried the night he was born and told dh I wanted a girl. I only suffered mild GD then as I knew we would have another chance at a girl.

2nd time we found out at 16wks and I cried for the first day but then tried to look at all the positives like how nice it would be for ds1 having a brother.

This time I'm scared how I will react but I figure the comments will come wether I know or not. I actually think other people's expectations is what makes GD worse. I can deal with my own dissapointment but when family members start saying how they wanted a granddaughter (especially the FIL who already has 1) I find it upseting.


Anyway, good luck with swaying. Just do your best as whatever you do you will start doubting as soon as you are pregnant. I wish I could have done better but its too late now!

Or that I'll feel so guilty for even saying that, that I'll love him too much and at the expense of my first two!! You can't win!!

I was the same as you (You have just read my sway so you know I have just found out we are accepting our 3rd and final boy). I feel a bit sad, but it is not dissapointment with this baby, it is a kind of mourning for a daughter I will never have. Also I am sure I probably wouldn't feel this way if there wouldn't have been so many "I hope this is your daughter" comments as if I didn't love my sons and my life only would be fullfilled if I had a daughter. This is completely not true in my case though I have read a few GD experiences when some mothers feel they must have a daughter. When we started to TTC we knew we want a 3rd child no matter what sex, a family unit of 5 will be great! The acceptance of not having a daughter is just something I have to deal with just like other inconveniences in life. Life sometimes doesn't end up in a way we plan it and I count myself lucky that I will have three healthy children which some families can only dream of.
Fingers crossed for you though that you have your DD!! If I could change one thing in my sway is that I would have tried harder to add an hour exercise 5 days a week. Though in my case next to a full time job and 2 boys was difficult

Purple you're so right - it's the constant comments of "oh are you hoping for a girl?" which def make it all worse. I sometimes feel like saying "oh god no! I'd hate a daughter! I definitely want another boy" just to shut people up. My friend has twin girls. When we first met (at a school open day thing), she said to me "you are so lucky. I was desperate to have twin boys." I was quite surprised as most of the comments I receive are about how hard work boys are! Mine aren't even, particularly. It's just what people expect. My Nan in particular was desperate for me to have a girl and made that clear from me being 6 weeks preg with my first !!

I always wanted a boy first. .. with my second, i assumed it would be a girl, as you do.. because thats how my brother and sister have it!! I cried for two days i was so disappointed... Now i could cry at the thought of not having had him he's so amazing!

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Originally Posted by dalmad

I was the same as you (You have just read my sway so you know I have just found out we are accepting our 3rd and final boy). I feel a bit sad, but it is not dissapointment with this baby, it is a kind of mourning for a daughter I will never have. Also I am sure I probably wouldn't feel this way if there wouldn't have been so many "I hope this is your daughter" comments as if I didn't love my sons and my life only would be fullfilled if I had a daughter. This is completely not true in my case though I have read a few GD experiences when some mothers feel they must have a daughter. When we started to TTC we knew we want a 3rd child no matter what sex, a family unit of 5 will be great! The acceptance of not having a daughter is just something I have to deal with just like other inconveniences in life. Life sometimes doesn't end up in a way we plan it and I count myself lucky that I will have three healthy children which some families can only dream of.
Fingers crossed for you though that you have your DD!! If I could change one thing in my sway is that I would have tried harder to add an hour exercise 5 days a week. Though in my case next to a full time job and 2 boys was difficult

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Dalmad yes I did just read your sway! You're so right and I also know I want to be a family of five. I consider myself a mum of three even though I'm not even pregnant! And my sons are so very different, they are each their own little human being and I know a third would be too. I feel a third baby will add enormously to our family dynamic. I guess I am just scared I'll feel GD and worried about how this will affect my feelings towards my future child. I also struggle with anxiety and depression and don't want it to trigger some kind of new episode.

I was in a terrible place for nearly a month. Could not bond with this pregnancy. Woke up in terror hoping it was all a dream.It was just awefull. I will admit that there were days when i wanted this pregnancy to end. I didnt even know i had those emotions in me.
I am quite better now but the feeling of anger and denial have been replaced by guilt. I am a full time working mom and no family support so i feel selfish that i am going to deprive my eldest two of "me"their mom for my need for a boy. I dont think this feeling will ever go away. Any time i will be overwhelmed as a mother i will regret my decision.
That being said i guess there was no right or wrong answer. If i hadnot tried for a third i would have always felt the "wgat if" so i guess i was between the devil and the deep sea. If i could reverse time i probably would not have tried for a third. Having 2 kids of same sex my odds of the same sex baby were pretty darn high. From what i have seen sway success rates are high for ppl with 3+ kids. Only a few have had a successful 3rd child sway.

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Hi honeybee , yes I have the same feelings going on !! Scared ,excited and I'm pretty sure we not going to find out til d,day... I just don't want to go through that again and feel the stress , the sadness again. I love all my boys to the moon and back . This is our last chance and I've decided to go with it simply bcos I'm not ready for it too be over , boy or girl !!! Oh dear how I long for a girl but I must get myself prepared to hear boy . Hang in there and don't think to yourself oh I could have done this better or I could have taken this to help my sway , that will only make your mind wonder . Trust yourself that you are doing all u can to help get ur girl and the rest will fall in place ..
So you going to go Team Green ? I'm with u on that .. I think If I hear GIRL ill fall off the bed , but if I do hear BOY.... I will just know at the end of it IM JUST A BOY MUM, and pretty dam good at it...
Hugs xx

Squiggle I feel the same. im sure a third would be the same. Feelings can be scary sometimes tho can't they?! I am trying to focus on what teenage girls can be like at the min and convince myself I will have a ragbag of one if I manage to have a daughter! (I know I was one!)

I think it is a myth that boys are harder than girls. It is completely up to a personality of the child. My boys were also definitely easy compared to some girls in the family (if it wasn't that way, we wouldn't have had another child :-))
But I also noticed (even before I had children) that somehow people feel sorry for families with only boys, more so than for families with only girls. This is definitely makes GD worse. Though if I look around in my surroundings the 3 family I know of with 3 boys are all great, well-behaved, cool boys. I thought that before we tried for our third that someone a third sibling affected them in a positive way, they all seemed more content and emphatetic for other's feelings then families with two boys.

Haha- thats what my hubby says, girls are great till they are teenagers then he says he might freak out!! Oh well, who knows what the future holds for us. We can only be there for each other. This is a good place for that! We are in the same boat. I dont know if its at all possible to not feel some type of GD considering the effort we will put in to our sways and the fact that we are going for a third to try get our girl! But.. they will be ours and we will love them regardless..

That's it squiggle... And it's what I need to hold on to. I can be super critical of myself and know I'll go over my sway obsessively... It's so hard! I do know I can imagine a third baby boy and him fitting in just fine so maybe I need to visualise that and know it'll be just fine whatever xx

Its going to be fine. And perhaps it will be a little better this time round if it is a baby boy, because regardless of your sway he wanted to be a part of you all so he got there first :awe: That's the way i think my head will get around GD..

Dont say that i have 3 teenage daughters to look forward to .... yikess !

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Originally Posted by Bluebooties

Dont say that i have 3 teenage daughters to look forward to .... yikess !

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Haha teenage girls scare me but so do teenage boys as they go through the invincible stage where they drive like idiots. I have heard too many stories from DH that it scares me! Maybe I will be lucky and they will be boring and studious like my brother was.

Babygirlquest


I dont know much about HT - is that the IVF etc route?

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Originally Posted by honeybee37

Title says it all really... We are ttc pink and have two amazing boys. This is definitely, DEFINITELY or last baby and I'm just terrified of feeling acute gender disappointment. I've decided I can't face even looking at the scans and will find out at the end. I feel sure that being handed a newborn gorgeous baby boy will be easier than just being told "it's a boy" and then having all the well meaning comments in the remaining four months. Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm just so scared of being preg in a way as I know there will always have been more I could do to sway. HT is def out the question.

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For me, I only experienced GD with my fourth and he was the only one (besides my first) that I found out at 20 weeks with. I was a little hopeful that #3 was a girl but we decided not to find out and I was so over the moon when he was born. I truly did not have an ounce of GD. I really regretted finding out so early with DS4. I feel like I either would not have had GD at all or it would have been way less than it was. I think it's hard to be disappointed when you're looking at a sweet face who wants nothing more than to be in your arms. It was hard for me to look forward to the future when I knew nothing about the little person growing inside of me other than that he was another boy.
I was worried too about feeling GD again if I do have a fifth boy so I stepped back for a bit and tried to understand why I wanted another child so bad. And I've realized that while I do really want a girl, I ultimately just don't feel as though our family is complete as is. I don't feel like DS4 is meant to be the baby forever. So I feel as though I'm prepared for the possibility of another boy and I'm ok with that. I want another baby. I always wanted 5 kids.

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Originally Posted by Babygirlquest

Yes we are going pgd/IVF. Hubby says last chance and with two failed sways I'm not risking it x

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Awesome babygirl - good luck and all the very best. Tbh, id go that route if we could x

It's so great hearing these stories. I'm not alone. I pray every day that I have a het pregnant with a healthy baby girl or none at all.
I know so many would be thrilled to be pregant with at all. But I am so scared I think I may stop trying because I can't take it if the results aren't what I'm hoping for. I feel so guilty. I adore my kids. And get upset with myself for feeling this way. I cried for months with ds2 and yes I feel
So blessed he's my son. It's such wierd feelings.
So glad I can share and I am not alone.

Ladies, please try to remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. When your sons are grown men, you will look back and all this will be nothing more than a blip on the radar that you barely remember. It goes away over time and you WILL come to appreciate your family as it IS. :)

I am so glad I read this thread... I am SO worried about GD, I keep telling DH that I reserve the right to back out at any time. I would definitely rather not get pg than experience GD. DS is amazing, best/easiest thing ever... Its so tempting to be done, and just mark motherhood down as a "win"... But the whole "what-if" scenario terrifies me as well.

I also worry that DS will feel like a 3rd parent (he's 11 now), he's very nurturing, responsible, and compassionate - a "mini-adult" only child, I don't want him to feel like he needs to grow up too soon because we have another only child to take care of...

Does anyone else have kids with large age gaps? If so, what made you take the leap after so many years? TIA

The fear is ALWAYS worse than the reality!!! Think back on some time when something you had worried about actually came to pass (like car breaking down, doctor's appointment you worried about, getting sick in public or something) and it is never as bad as you had worried that it would be. The things that really get ya are the ones that come out of left field you didn't even see coming.

Yes i have a big age gap. I had my first two boys and they were 16/13 when I had my 3 little ones (same husband). We had money troubles, health concerns, too small of a house, very busy, etc etc etc but after a while I realized we were waiting for this ideal situation to come to pass that probably never was going to and if I didn't go for it soon I would be out of time. I went back to work for 2 years to pay off some debts we had and then when I was 37 I had DS 3, at 39 I had DS 4, and at 42 I had DD. My oldest son was 21 when my daughter was born.

Thanks! That's definitely inspiring!

My first ds was 13 when his little brother was born....we didnt ttc but didnt prevent as when ds#1 was 2 i was told i may never have another child....so it just happened in my case that i did get to have another child and that the first was so much older when he finally became a big bro :)

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Originally Posted by Babygirlquest

Yes we are going pgd/IVF. Hubby says last chance and with two failed sways I'm not risking it x

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Babygirlquest: are you able to tell me where you are at with your pgd/ivf? We are planning a natural gender sway attempt but my anxiety is off the chart, I am not sleeping, crying multiple times a day and feeling physically sick to my stomach with stress over it not turning out as suspected and I am not even pregnant yet nor have we even ttc yet. Just thinking maybe another way might take a little of the stress off?

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I'm so glad I'm not alone. I'm 9 weeks pregnant with my fourth and scared out of my mind, how am I going to give the other 3 attention. What was I thinking!? I wanted a dd. My ds are amazing and have such an amazing bond, what if this last baby changes it all? I'm praying it changes for the better. I've never felt these feelings before. I thought I would be soo excited, maybe it's hormones. It's not helping hearing everyone say " you guys need to get fixed, wow 4 your crazy" ect. No one has said anything positive

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Originally Posted by Babygirlquest

Sure honey. Happy to help. I have a sticky up on my cycle of that helps? I'm over in Cyprus just now and we are at Genesis clinic. My third and fourth sons were sways that didn't work. The mere thought of going through that process again had me so anxious (and I'm not saying swaying doesn't work, it just didn't work for me so it's hard to have faith in it again). I wasn't very regimented in my sways but a strict sway would have brought out my obsessive nature plus I have a bad relationship with weight/diet and didn't want to get into bad habits again.

I'm hoping to do egg collection at end of this week with a frozen transfer planned for a couple of months after. High tech is expensive but it's a guarantee at the end of the day. For me that is worth the money.

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Hi Babygirl
im interested to know how you came across this clinic as your choice? Im researching this as an option for us now, although my DH is not aware of this as yet.. BUT we cannot do it here, in the UK it is not legal, so im looking at where we can go. I have absolutely no idea on the process and how long it takes and what happens so im only just starting my research...

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Originally Posted by Babygirlquest

Should also add that we have limited finances so we have a couple of shots at this and then we are done. My husband isn't bothered about having a girl so I'm paying for everything myself. Once our money for this runs out then I guess we are back to the drawing board and maybe looking at swaying again.

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Ah,Thanks for the info. im busy doing my research as we speak!There is absolutely NO WAY my DH will try again after this if it ends up 3rd boy. And im 39..

Wow squiggle let me know how you get on! What sort of price is it? We almost certainly couldn't afford it... But it does sound very appealing.

Just to be a giant buttinski, squggle but Cyprus has very poor results and I would NEVER recommend it for anyone let alone a 39 year old. YOu may as well take a pile of money and set it on fire as to try to cycle at Cyprus at 39. :/