3rd child on the fence/ opinions/experience?

Think I just need to get my thoughts down mostly, I've been going round in circles for about 2-3yrs now on whether to have a 3rd, in the first yr after my 2nd I really wanted another but thought it's not ideal to have a 3rd dp would rarther stick with 2 so tried to put it to the back of my mind.
It was hard at first but as time went on I felt happy with the decision to stick with 2, I now go for months feeling happy content that 2 is our number,mlooking forward to the next stage- out of nappies, easier to do things, more exciting days out etc, brilliant holidays. But every so often the thought of a third comes back, sometimes it'l last a day or 2 and I'll browse this site/ Google reasons for and against a third etc! Then decide again that 2 is enough and it's best to stick with the 2 we have etc due to the extra a third brings, it's not so much as happily deciding to stick with 2 but more convincing myself it's for the best when I think of the extra nursery costs/costs of holidays/cost of a bigger home etc

I've always liked the idea of a slightly bigger family than 2, used to say I'd love 4 but that's not really realistic. I be got a tiny family myself, dp has a big family, don't think he understands. I often think about the future and having the family round the Christmas table etc/having them visit us and doing family things together, and the thought of the support element always having someone to turn to etc.

I don't want to get to 40+ and regret not doing it but how difficult would it be to do it in reality, it's easy to look back and think oh I should of had 1 more but how would that extra 1 effect our quality of life, it may be we may have to sacrifice some things to accommodate a 3rd my not have the kind of lifestyle with 3 as we could with 2 etc but think we're talking compromising on holiday hotels- having less choice of hotel that will accommodate family's of 5 and things like that rarther than anything major. I do love holidays tho so this does factor in.

I get nervous thinking about adding an extra one and also a sad feeling when think of not having another, I don't want all the fun stuff to end- the holidays and Christmas the wonder and magic etc aswell as the other stuff about a bigger family would bring. A 3rd just seems like such a change and then a slightly bigger gal than I'd like (5 and 8yrs youngest and oldest is likely) and I just had no doubt for a 2nd child but am so unsure about a 3rd.
Dp would ideally be happy with 2 but sure he would go for a 3rd if it's what I really wanted, a few of his friends have more than 2 also. I want the best for my family just not sure what that is- an extra sibling or not!

There are positives and negatives to everything, all I can tell you is that after 2 kids I just knew in my heart I wasn't done, despite my head telling me that 2 was probably a practical number. We took the plunge and have loved having a third. He is spectacular, and the whole family - especially the older two kids - adore him. For me it wasn't a hard jump to go from 2 to 3, although you definitely have your hands full. At the moment the eldest goes to school and the middle child goes to kinder 2 days a week, so it's not like I have all three of the home with me all the time. When they are home they play amongst themselves which is lovely. There are days when they challenge you, but I feel it's just challenging having young children in general, regardless of the quantity! It's a hard decision, but my hubby was keen for another so that helped seal the deal for me.

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Thanks for your reply :-)

For me, I knew I wasn't done having kids after I had #2. I just felt that there was someone I still hadn't met yet. Our #1 was our most challenging child. He was never a great sleeper and needed to interact with you at. all. times, haha! #2 for us was a great sleeper from day 1 and was pretty easy going and still is! For us, having a third has not been terrible, although he is only 5mo old! We really haven't noticed too much of a difference having three. That being said, there is a 2yr 9mo age gap between DS1 and DS1 and a 2yr 5.5mo age gap between DS2 and DS3.

I would say that I wanted #2 slightly more than my DH- he wanted DS1 to have a sibling. I'll tell you that I wanted #3 more than my DH. He came around but it took a bit of convincing. I definitely want #4 more than my DH, and he is finally on board, gingerly. I have to give him the facade that he is in control of TTCing, haha! All things considered, we love having children and have the luxury of having the financial means to afford them and tons of friends and family for support.

GL to you with whatever you decide!




[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602][emoji170]
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I didn't notice things to be that much more difficult going from 2 to 3. When ds3 was a baby, in some ways it was like being back at just one because ds1 and 2 would play together and I could focus on just the baby.
Hotels and holidays have been more challenging, but we can find single hotel rooms that are designed to accomodate 6people without too much trouble. Just usually can't plan to stay in tiny towns on our road trips. We have taken a road trip for a vacation every year since we had ds3.
Activities can get crazy with 3. The worst has been with the boys' activities are all different days, so I feel like we are running around chauffeurring all the time. Sometimes though I can swing three activities at the same time...swimming lessons, skiing lessons or even gymnastics we have gotten three boys in together.
Our boys are 9, 7, 5 and 2 (27, 29 and 33 months between the 4 of them). We always planned on 4 but now here we are going for #5 because I feel we're missing part of our family still.

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I felt "panicky" off and on for years after DS 1 and 2 and I really just did not feel "done". I wanted another baby boy or girl. It took us 13 years to figure it out and take the plunge again (plus money and house size issues) I do feel done now. Boy or girl I would have felt done, just because I feel stretched as far as I can go here.

ON a personal note, I would say, take it seriously and don't postpone hoping it will get better, because it didn't for me and I wish I wouldn't have waited as long as I did. Apologies for being morbid but I do have some regrets sitting here now at almost 46 years old realizing I could be easily dead before the little ones I had at 39 and 42 are even twenty or even sooner. It's possible at any age of course but the reality is that I probably won't be around or at least not in fine fettle any more by the time my daughter has her own family. :/

To me if it's a choice between you thinking about it this much and an issue of hotels on trips, I'd go for it. It would be different I think if it was something more day-to-day like putting food on the table, but it's like exchanging one luxury for another, in a way.

I also have two boys and we plan on ttc a third child later this year. My DH is 100% on board, he really wants a daughter. I don't really see any obstacle with vacations and housing, myself. I guess it depends on the options near you and your standards, but I tend to feel there will always be a way to make do. Kids can share a bed when traveling when they're little, you can take trips to cheaper destinations to make up the extra cost, etc. We have a 3 bedroom house and no plans to move, so a third child would mean two of them would share a room. My mom keeps insisting we would have to move to a bigger house but the family who was here before us raised FOUR kids here and they all fit somehow. It just depends on what you're used to.

Where I do question myself sometimes is just in the energy required to parent three. Our eldest is a VERY high-energy child who needs a lot of attention and never sleeps through the night. My easygoing DS2 already gets ignored because I'm always dealing with some crisis with his brother--poor baby! It will only be worse with a third. DH and I are always exhausted now. Will we have ANY time to ourselves with three? And then I sometimes think like Atomic--I might not be around to see my kids have kids of their own, so am I selfish to have another one anyway? I'm only 32 but I have a kidney condition that means I will probably not live past my 60s. But then I think, my own father was hit by a car when I was a baby and no one could have predicted that, anyone can die anytime so you have to just live the life you want while you have the chance.

Bottom line is don't look back on your life with major regrets. What are you more likely to regret later: not having a third child or the reduced livestyle that would come with three? It's honestly ok if the lifestyle IS more important (most people feel like that at some point or else we'd all have eight kids, right?), but it sounds like you're leaning more towards 3 or you would have made peace with 2 by now...?

:agree: Erin I'm in the same boat, while my oldest two are grown and living on their own now, my poor DS 4 is sandwiched between very high maintenance DS 3 and DD. I really don't like how that has shook itself out for him. :(

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

:agree: Erin I'm in the same boat, while my oldest two are grown and living on their own now, my poor DS 4 is sandwiched between very high maintenance DS 3 and DD. I really don't like how that has shook itself out for him. :(

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I try to look at it this way: if they'd been born in our grandparents' time, odds were pretty good they'd be one of twelve or something. They were ALL middle children. At least ours aren't being raised by a nine-year-old sister while we're out milking cows and such. :-P

I never wanted more than 2 kids, but I want a daughter so badly, and that's why I'm going for three. I definitely would have stopped at 2 if I'd have already had a girl. And now I'm convincing myself about all the great things about having a bigger family...bigger celebrations in the future...more kids to have fun with...more chances to raise them well and be together in the future. :) But if I'm honest with myself, the thing that I consider ideal is a pigeon pair. You get to experience raising both genders without the stress and expense of more than two kids.

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Originally Posted by oceancitymom

I never wanted more than 2 kids, but I want a daughter so badly, and that's why I'm going for three. I definitely would have stopped at 2 if I'd have already had a girl. And now I'm convincing myself about all the great things about having a bigger family...bigger celebrations in the future...more kids to have fun with...more chances to raise them well and be together in the future. :) But if I'm honest with myself, the thing that I consider ideal is a pigeon pair. You get to experience raising both genders without the stress and expense of more than two kids.

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ditto

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Originally Posted by oceancitymom

I never wanted more than 2 kids, but I want a daughter so badly, and that's why I'm going for three. I definitely would have stopped at 2 if I'd have already had a girl. And now I'm convincing myself about all the great things about having a bigger family...bigger celebrations in the future...more kids to have fun with...more chances to raise them well and be together in the future. :) But if I'm honest with myself, the thing that I consider ideal is a pigeon pair. You get to experience raising both genders without the stress and expense of more than two kids.

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Yea - I agree with you - we probably would have been "done" at 2 if the 2nd had been a girl and there are definitely the practical factors to think about in having more than 2. But the way I think about it is, my boys are only 3.5 and 1 and I LOVE watching them get to experience having a brother. Maybe I'm jaded because I grew up with only one brother (1 boy, 1 girl home), and we've never had a good relationship and never had anything in common growing up. I know this is not the case for everyone - I know brother/sister pairs that are close - but I do think there is something really special about the same gender sibling connection. So just like those of us with only one gender feel like we're "missing out" on getting to raise the other gender, those with 1 of each I think are maybe missing out on something too. That said... regardless of whether our next baby is a boy or a girl, we are pretty firm that we have to stop at 3, so if we do have a girl she wont get that sister relationship. Hopefully her two older bros will be very loving & protective though!

:agree: I know the sister relationship messes with people's minds but I will say my daughter has 4 big bros and they all dote on her. My three little ones age 3, 6, 8 play great together even though two of them are boys. I also know of a ton of women who can't stand their sisters. So I'm not sure that is all it's cracked up to be anyway.

I don't have any full blood siblings and none my own age either and I always wanted a big brother.

Anyone want to weigh in on having a fourth child? We're basically avoiding the topic for now. I think I want another one, but I'm not sure whether or not it's the right move for our family.

What are the ages of your kiddos, srg?

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Originally Posted by srg09cag11

Anyone want to weigh in on having a fourth child? We're basically avoiding the topic for now. I think I want another one, but I'm not sure whether or not it's the right move for our family.

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It was no question for us having a fourth. My husband always said he wanted an even number and we just both knew we wanted more than 2. I've always been ok with an odd number and always wanted a big family. To me, for some reason, five kids or more is a big family hence why I want one more ;).
I will give you my husband's reasoning for wanting 4. He always felt that a family with 4 kids is more harmonious than a family with 3. That hasn't been my experience (i'm a middle child with an older brother and a younger sister) but for him, growing up with 2 brothers, there was always fighting and they rarely got along. He grew up with a neighbouring family of 4 boys and he said they each kind of paired off and seemed to get along much better. Appearances can be deceiving of course so who knows how "harmonious" they actually were when nobody else was around. Now, having kids of my own, I can kind of see his point. We often have one of my 2 nephews over for a sleepover. They are both around the age of my oldest two boys and the 3 of them will often fight. If I have both nephews over, it is much better. With three, two of them always seem to gang up on one of them whereas with four of them, they generally pair off and have teams, etc. It does just work better with four.

To be completely honest, it's what worries me the most about having a fifth boy. I don't know why but I've always felt that a boy needs a brother whereas a girl is ok alone. Well before having kids, I always envisioned myself having only 1 girl in a big family of boys. My oldest two are close and my younger two are close so where will a fifth boy fit in? I know it will work out fine but it's something I think about and yet another reason why I want a girl so badly. I was relieved when DS2 was a boy b/c I really wanted to give DS1 a brother close in age.

I really do love having 4 kids. I felt like it wasn't a huge jump going from 3-4 kids. We already had a minivan at that point and our house is big enough that it didn't feel overcrowded. 4 is a great number :D

We have 3 now and I am wanting one more. I just feel like 4 is a good number. I have two older boys and my daughter is just over a year. I hope for one more girl. . But will be happy with a boy as well. I just don't want her to be left out. I see how close my boys are and I want that for her. We have a 5 bedroom house so space isn't the issue.. it's more everyone else judging.
I love having 3 kids. It just feels natural to me... but people always say things like "Oh you must be busy" etc... I can only imagine what 4 will be like! 😂

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Originally Posted by srg09cag11

Anyone want to weigh in on having a fourth child? We're basically avoiding the topic for now. I think I want another one, but I'm not sure whether or not it's the right move for our family.

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Personally, I would never have four because I hate being pregnant and had rough deliveries. Three is already a sacrifice but I'm willing to do it one last time because I just feel like there's someone we haven't met yet.

I have read that studies show parents with 3 report the most stress, while 4+ takes you back to normal levels again. I guess 1-2 is manageable, 3 is hard because you're outnumbered, and then by the time you get to 4+ you've probably just said "aw, f*ck it. Play with matches if you want just don't burn the house down". You must learn to chill. ;-)

I also think it's because with 4 or more living under one roof, you have to be "all-in" as parents. It's a 24-7 job and while that sounds vaguely depressing it's like you just kinda surrender to it and enjoy the task at hand. It's fun, like doing a really all encompassing project for a few years. With two, you do still have time for your own pursuits (albeit not much haha). I think three is hard (keeping in mind I have 3 little ones at home and 2 away from home now so I feel like a parent of three these days) because it's not quite enough to be all-in in the mommy game, but at the same time it's hard to do ANYthing for yourself due to constant kiddo needs. It's a kind of no-man's land, if that makes any sense.

I have 4 and it's tough! My kids ages are 17, 12, 9, 3.
I think soon as you hit the driving and dating and college years. It's a completely different stress. My 12 year old is starting puberty and is impossible. The 9 and 3 year old are fine so far. I personally think the early years are physically tiring but overall is do able, there is no comparison with the stress of older kids. It's for sure a full time job and very hard on a marriage. I feel like I'm crazy most of the time because of the stress, and I have full time help. If you can find a balance with kids and marriage then it's ok. If You don't have help so you can do date nights, I would say don't do it.
I think with 4 you are split 4 different ways, between sports, school, homework, dance or whatever else they are interested in.
Sorry just being honest.
I love having 4 but most of the time feel overwhelmed and very tired. Also my husband works crazy hours. But that is why I have help, but the nanny and I divide and conquer.

It's nice to hear the perspectives of mothers with kids of all ages. I have two and always feel like my house is a little empty.

I must be in the minority but I felt that with my first two (now adults) the teen years were a breeze. They do still require care even into adulthood, things like car repairs and phone calls and so on but honestly they added more help to the family than it's cost me in terms of time and energy over the year. I realize I was lucky that my boys weren't terrible teens and it's somewhat of a factor of lifestyle - small town/country living for us, but I found it much easier as they got older. :think:

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

I must be in the minority but I felt that with my first two (now adults) the teen years were a breeze. They do still require care even into adulthood, things like car repairs and phone calls and so on but honestly they added more help to the family than it's cost me in terms of time and energy over the year. I realize I was lucky that my boys weren't terrible teens and it's somewhat of a factor of lifestyle - small town/country living for us, but I found it much easier as they got older. :think:

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Thank you for this! I was starting to fear the teenage years hitting here! I'll still have preschoolers and was thinking ahhh!!! If teenagers are even more difficult....I don't know how I'll manage!!!

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Maybe it's because I have a 3 year old and I am going through teen years also. Looking at colleges, doing SAT testing and the stress of making sure he becomes a successful man. He is a great kid but still stressful. I can't imagine going through it 3 more times still.

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Originally Posted by TRL

Maybe it's because I have a 3 year old and I am going through teen years also. Looking at colleges, doing SAT testing and the stress of making sure he becomes a successful man. He is a great kid but still stressful. I can't imagine going through it 3 more times still.

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Maybe? When my oldest turns 13, I'll have a 10, 8, 5 and 2 year old. By the time he's looking at colleges...I'll be out of diapers at least. :)

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Originally Posted by TRL

Maybe it's because I have a 3 year old and I am going through teen years also. Looking at colleges, doing SAT testing and the stress of making sure he becomes a successful man. He is a great kid but still stressful. I can't imagine going through it 3 more times still.

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It's not just you, I think nuthin had said that on a different thread. It may be different for everyone as all our circumstances vary!!

We went back and forth for a bit on having a 4th child. At first, I was all in wanting a 4th...a lot of which had to do with wanting a girl and having 3 boys. But after two losses, we started to get realistic about could we really deal with a 4th child. I'm 39 and dh is 46, so our ages really were a factor. Heck, some of our friends have grown children, and they're starting their empty nest phases already! Do we really want to wait until we're in our 60s to be able to do things like take vacations that don't involve theme parks? Plus, I'm now the sole breadwinner in our house, and since I own my own company, maternity leave it not an option. No lie, 2 & 3 were both HARD. I've got a big age gap, too, so I've got one in college—still living at home and doesn't yet drive—one in kindergarten, and an autistic 3 year old. The hardest thing for me is the split attention. Each of my kids in a different phase of life, which means I'm changing a diaper and organizing a playdate while trying to help with advanced algebra. I really wish I'd had them closer together, but things just didn't work out that way.

Anyway... even with all of that reality setting in, I'm currently pregnant with a 4th. :) In the end, we decided that we'd always wonder if stopping at 3 was the right thing, but we'd never regret another child once he/she was here. I still have no clue how we're going to survive an infant at this stage in our lives, but we will find a way. And I'm sure we'll have fun doing it! Even if the house never gets cleaned and we live off fast food for a year or two. lol!