Not sure I belong here anymore...

So I've just been through my second miscarriage since January after maybe 13/14 cycles ttc, I've lost count. I also just turned 38 and found out after my first miscarriage that my fertility is shit *hope I can use that word here. I used clomid for one cycle then decided that was it and threw my repeat scripts etc in the bin and voila I fell pregnant the very next cycle without the clomid and without even trying (as in one attempt on old sperm - my dh hadn't released for weeks.) I thought it was my miracle pregnancy but it was taken from me and during my family renuion of all things while I am away from home plus my brother and his gf announced their pregnancy while the family were all here. The miscarriage didn't go well (of course) and I feel like I am rotten and cursed. I had found such peace with no more ttc but right now I just want to be pregnant again and I know I cant try for 3 months because of the medication. I am already planning im my head my next ttc and thinking of stopping all alcohol and caffiene in the 6 weeks prior to ttc. I cant help but think I caused this even though I stuck to one proper coffee a day and obviously never drank a drop of alcohol once I got my bfp at 9dpo (nothing after 6dpo that I can recall and maybe a couple of wines in the days before this I'm not sure, it could habe been more, I never thought in a million years I'd actually fall pregnant). I feel like my actions leading up to a successful fertilization has caused this second miscarriage. I understand I'm over 35 and the risk is higher but right now I just feel broken - both body and mind and I'm just not sure I can go through another loss but my longing is back in full force probably after seeing my little bean on the u/s. I'm not sure I should even be here because gender of baby is completely and utterly irrelevant now, I originally joined in because I bought a ttc girl plan and was excited to be around those wanting a particular gender too, now I would give everything I have just to have a healthy baby at this point but this is the only online interaction in forums that I've ever had. I have an appt with my own ob on Tuesday and just wondering if there is there anything I should ask as in another script for clomid or is there anything I can do to at least improve egg/sperm quality to try reduce the risk of a third miscarriage? I don't know which way I'll go yet, hopefully I'll give up again and save myself further heartache and now I'm just rambling so I'll shut up and try start building a bridge to get over it. This just sucks so so bad and I truly truly empathize with the many many ladies who have been where I am right now.

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Just wanted to say you have been through such a rough time, I cannot imagine how awful that would all be and feel! There are plenty of woman on here that have been through similar so it is a good place to come for support and also lots of ladies who are similar to yourself and just want a healthy baby, so please stay. I really don't think you caused the miscarriage due to your alcohol and caffeine ( I think that was what you were suggesting? If not, sorry if I misinterpreted what you wrote) the baby would not have had a placenta at that stage so, other ladies correct me if am wrong, so this unlikely to be cause of the miscarriage.

Thank you girlieplease. I was about to edit my original post regarding the caffiene and alcohol. I had no problems with my boys pregnancies and I had no idea about caffiene restriction when I was pregnant with them. I guess I'm wondering with my age and bad fertility whether I should limit it further to just decaf I guess. The alcohol as well especially in the lead up to ttc. If I was younger with great fertility I wouldn't even question you know?

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So sorry for your loss Pbn. I was thinking of u just the other day and that I hadn't seen you around of late. Hope you find peace either way. The heart wants what the heart wants, so I know it such a tough decision to just give up.

I also just turned 38 and have been ttc since Oct 15, with absolutely nothing happening, not for the lack of trying. I have eased up on the diet a lot now although I still stick to the basic principles.

All the best x

Pbn, thank you for coming back, it must be really hard for you right now. I'm very sorry for your loss, I know how it feels to see that heartbeat and then miscarry after thinking things were 'safe'. It does get easier with time.

Sorry you also had a difficult miscarriage and it sounds like terrible timing with your brothers announcement. Can I ask what medication you were given? I was medically managed with my 2nd one so I was given misoprostol and there was no issue with trying again, I think it is only the medication given for etopics that is a problem.

Please don't blame yourself for this, you could have been avoiding all caffeine, eating an only organic super healthy diet and it could still happen. If it worries you then avoid these things if/when you attempt to ttc again. If it helps I have heard that 3 miscarriages in a row is a lot less common than 2 in a row, this is something that helps me remain optimistic.

Anyway, I am glad to see you back as I was wondering how you were going. You are still very much welcome here even if you aren't swaying. I would hardly call what I do much of a sway these days but I'm still hanging around :)

Take care xx

Thank you pinkpony. I truly hope you get your long awaited bfp soon.

Thank you also purple, I cried a little when I read your message as I miss seeing how you ladies are going and you are so right about the thinking you may be safe then finding out you're not. My family were a support (one sister in particular) and on a couple nights I actually got to stop thinking about what was happening for at least an hour. Now everyone has gone and we head home in the morning and I don't have to worry about trying tp be cheery or 'normal' so the walls have crashed down so to speak and I'm just so sad. I said before I feel broken and I can think of no other way to describe it. I also was given mistoprol? Not sure of the spelling but was told to wait 3 months. I know my ob will give me clomid again if I ask but I also know that it doesn't improve egg quality just quantity released so I'm kinda feeling if I force the issue and try too hard to get pregnant again that the universe will punish me again. I know that sounds completely ridiculous but I'm one of them weird karma type of people. But in saying that it buggers me what have I done karma wise to have to lose another pregnancy, so now I'm thinking karma is a load of crap amd it doesn't matter how good of a person I try to be, crappy things will come my way anyway. Sorry I never should have come back here so soon I obviously wasn't ready.

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Sorry Pbn :( Come back in a few days or a few weeks. Whenever you feel ready. It is normal how you are feeling and you don't need to think about trying again yet.

Oh Pbn3, I just want to give you a big hug! You most certainly still belong here! Please don't feel like you have to leave, unless you need to to help you heal.

This whole thing seems horribly unfair- from another miscarriage, to the timing of it happening. I am sending you lots of strength and healing!

I don't think it's unreasonable to switch to decaf coffee and stop alcohol. My RE told me that caffeine and alcohol in large amounts can affect fertility. It seems like an easy thing to change. Clomid or Femara may help. It's worth asking and looking into.

I'm hoping and praying that your much deserved and longed for rainbow baby comes to you soon! I will be looking out for your updates, if and when you are ready.

[emoji8][emoji4]




[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602][emoji170]
[emoji166]One last pink sway 2016[emoji166]
My Ovulation Chart

PB, I'm so sorry this is happening. Everyone is welcome here GD or no I think we have a group of wonderful supportive ladies here and good quality info.

It is totally normal to feel like you did something that caused your loss but it was not anything you did or didn't do.

When you say sh-- can you be more specific? It may not be as bad as it appears. Doctors like to make everything sound horrifically dire but there are people on this site with absolutely dreadful numbers who do end up with a baby at the end of their journey.

Femara would be a better option than Clomid so I'd def. ask about that.

I would have you doing atomic fertility diet if you're not already, up folic to 2000 (and folate is better) and taking Coq10 400-600 mg a day (ubiquinol is better). Since you've been on a sway diet off and on for so long I'd do prenatal 3x a week as well.

Wean off folic/folate at end of first tri, coq at bFP and resume daily prenatal at BFP.

re karma, I don't know if this helps at all but my take on karma is that when you do good things, good things happen for you, but not in mystical magical ways. Karma can't help you avoid things like miscarriages and stuff like that but it does mean that when you're very down and low your family is there for you and to support you until you can support yourself again. That is what karma really is. Not a supernatural thing but when you create joy and help others then others are there when you need help and to bring joy into your life.

Crappy things come all of our ways, anyway. Even the nicest person on the planet, like Mother Teresa or someone, I'm sure she had more than her fair share of terrible things she endured and witnessed. :heart:

Wow Pbn, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Many of us are struggling with fertility issues and secondguessing our sways, our behavior and even our desire for another child. I'm sure you'll find here support and understanding , no matter how you choose to continue your journey. Hang in there!

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Thank you all for your support and responses. I was in a dark place last night when I posted and having a pity party. I will take a step back for awhile and concentrate on making some changes to my lifestyle over the next few months. By that I mean the little things like drink more water, start only drinking decaf, eliminating diet soft drinks etc most of which I had already done when I fell pregnant but resumed doing the last week. I also will limit alcohol to a few glasses of red wine only. I know none if these things may have contributed to my miscarriage (I just want to make it clear I didn't touch alcohol after my bfp, I'm referring to the fact I overindulged regularly prior to this). I just want to start living healthier and I will also try harder to eat a balanced diet and start exercising a few times a week. If in three months time I feel I want to ttc again I'll feel mentally and physically better.

Atomic thanks for the femara suggestion I'll be sure to ask about it. And I'll also look into your other advice as well. From memory my test results from earlier this year were amh 1.8 and fsh 28. I fell pregnant my cycle after the only clomid cycle I did so it may have helped or maybe I just got lucky. In any case if I ttc again I'll just have to hope I produce a nice healthy egg. And yes I agree with your outlook on karma, again I was feeling so down that I felt the universe was against me but that was solely self pity talking and today is a better day than yesterday :)

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I truly believe that sometimes there just aren't answers for things. Life is random, in both acts of fortune and sadness. I recently fell pregnant with twins. I was horrified and didn't want them. And then I miscarried them. So many emotions overwhelmed me. I felt guilty because I didnt want them and now they were gone, I felt like I wished them away. Truth is is that whether I had wanted them or not they were always destined not to be. DH and I decided to dust ourselves off and get back on the horse. We are swaying again, but we are resolved that if we get a third DS that will be OK. And if we fluked another set of twins then we would be OK with that too. Try not to look too deeply into it, it's nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. Now whether or not you want to continuing swaying is a different decision that only you can make. Go with your heart, whatever it tells you can't be wrong.

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:heart: :heart: :heart:

(((HUGS))) Pbn3.

I'm obviously in a different situation then you, but I often wonder if I should stop coming on here as well and just give up on ever having baby #3. It makes me so sad just thinking about it. Since turning 35 last week I've cried about it every single day. I wish we could both have what we wanted.

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Atomic can I just check that if I can get ubiquinol that its the same dose as coq10 so 400-600mg per day? I have seen coq10 in a chemist today but the highest dose per tablet was only 150mg (I'd rather find a stronger tablet than take 3-4 weaker dose ones). I'm going to have a look around online to aee if I can find higher dose tablets but will get ubiquinol instead if I can. Also for weaning of at bfp would you reduce by a third for say a week (so if I was taking 450mg cut back to 300mg), then another third for a week (down to 150mg) then stop taking altogether?

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I just now so your post Pbn. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. :( It just breaks my heart knowing how sad you've been and how unfair your TTC journey has been. You're always welcome here, swaying or not. I hope so very much that there's a healthy baby in your future. Big, big hugs! :hug2:

Had an appt with my own ob yesterday and still have clots plus lining hasn't shedded properly. Was given another dose of mistoprol to take last night and again this morning. If it hasn't cleared by next Tuesday when I see her again I'll have to have a d&c. I'm actually ok as I've accepted this will happen but obviously holding onto a small amount of hope to avoid this. Its almost laughable to think I'll end up in theartre after trying to avoid it - this could have all been over and done with by now if I had just gotten it done a week ago. Anyway as I said I'm actually ok about it all, I think resigned is the best word. What will be will be and I'll deal with it as it comes. Feeling stronger and better emotionally this morning. Thank you all again for your support.

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Oh sweetie, huge hugs! I'm sending strength and healing your way



[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2[emoji577], & DS3[emoji602][emoji170]
[emoji166]One last pink sway 2016[emoji166]
My Ovulation Chart

Sorry it hasn't all passed yet. Hopefully you don't need a d&c but if you do they aren't too bad. It is frustrating when you just want to move on and you still have the physical part to deal with on top the emotional pain.

Yes it's supposed to be 400-600 ubiquinol. It costs a small fortune though. If all you can afford is coq10 I would still take that, it's just that your body doesn't use it quite as efficently.

I'd actually both cut back and start spacing doses, it doesn't ahve to be quite as gradual as the folate/folic or aspirin. like cut back to 300 every other day for a week, then 150 every couple days, then the next week take the 150 twice and be done with it.

Hi Pbn3. I'm glad you posted back here Hun and I, too, am sorry for the heartbreak you've endured. You gave me sooo much advice and support when I was ttc just before I got my last BFP. I was really sad for you when I learnt of your miscarriage. I am in such a similar position to you as I have been close to giving up recently and in complete torment as to whether continue ttc or just throw in the towel, but if it is what your heart and soul are crying out for then...what can we do? Anyway, I hope you are blessed with another BFP an a healthy little bundle of joy at the end of it. Would be soooo nice if we were all blessed with that instead of the heartbreak of a loss. Xx

Thank you 1moregirl for your message. I still go back and forth on trying again and am glad in a way I have time to decide. In the meantime I've decided to be proactive and will likely begin a two year business course and will also start looking at going back to work a couple days a week. I'm so angry at my husband atm though which is making me think no more as well. I said something along the lines of 'I need a vacation' to my ds1 and husband pipes up 'you just had one' and laughed his head off until I said (out of earshot of ds of course) yeah great vacation! I was miscarrying our child the entire time while my entire family was there... he didn't even say sorry until I brought it up later and his apology was 'I'm sorry, I didn't even think about that'. Oh to forget so easily....

Don't mind me I'm just venting. I just feel like he feels nothing towards what happened and that just makes me sadder and question why I would want another baby with him. But I'm sure he is sad, he just doesn't communicate well at all.

Question for Atomic - I've been reading on the net that people have been advised to wait only 2 cycles to ttc again after taking misoprostol some even sooner? I took it Mon 27/6 through to wednesday 29/6 (2 x tablets every four hours with a break during the night) then again 2 x tablets evening of 05/07 and 2 x tablets morning of 06/07 so I still think I should wait at least 3 cycles before deciding but out of curiosity if I start taking coq10 I've read its of no benefit egg quality wise unless you've been taking it for 90 days plus. Do you agree with this? Is this to do with the egg production beginning 90 days prior to release? I find out tomorrow whether I'll have to have a d&c after follow up dose of misoprostol last week so will likely be 90 days plus before ttc anyway if I do...

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Pbn, I was advised to wait 2 cycles from the OBs at the hospital but I thought it was just what they say after a miscarriage, I didn't realise until now that they may have meant it was because I had misoprostol. When I asked my FS (who is also an OB) if it was ok to start trying again he thought there was no reason to wait, even though he knew I took misoprostol.

It has been almost 5 months since I took it so I don't need to worry but I could have got pregnant after only 6 weeks and I would have had no idea I wasn't supposed to.

Thanks Purple and I'm not even sure what this whole 'wait 3 months' is about? I can understand medication wise but even with my first early miscarriage (4w6d) I was told to wait 3 months/cycles. I feel abit like I'm getting the runaround and being 'quoted' the usual wait time I suppose?

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Yeah I was told wait 3 months after my first m/c which I didn't do. I waited 1 month but it took 6 months to get pregnant with DS2 after that anyway.

Ps. husbands can be so dumb. Mine always says stupid stuff like after the miscarriages I would randomly cry for the first week. He would ask me what's wrong? I thought it was obvious but maybe not! They do grieve differently and probably don't have it right in the top of their minds like we do so sometimes you just have to let things slide.

Thanks again and re: the husband I know but I'm so mad and feel like he got off scot free as he wasn't there that whole week. And to make a joke about it really cut as he obviously can move on so easily. He's about to turn 45 so I really think that will be a turning point for him and he'll be adamant about no more. He showed zero interest in this latest pregnancy and I have a feeling he is completely done with whole thing. It sucks because I just turned 38 and still hold some hope of being pregnant by years end. Feels like wishful thinking though and I cant help but feel resentful towards him about this last pregnancy and the fact I'll think in three months he'll be saying no way. I'm sure we'll work through things eventually but right now I don't even want to see him which is likely just emotions still...

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Dh is not a bad or unreasonable man, I think I'm zeroing on his bad points because I'm angry and not focusing on all his good points. Yes I have issues with him but they are not all new ones by any means but he really been a sh*t dh the last couple weeks so I'm venting and very likely unfairly but I recognize the fact I am so its onwards and upwards from here and we'll see what the next few months bring.
Edited to say we finally had a good chat tonight and he will not close the door on ttc again if I really want to in three months. He is mostly worried about his age and financials (nothing new lol) but is willing. He also apologized sincerely for hurting me for his joke and apology after I explained how it made me feel (and he actually listened!!!). So feeling positive again about progress with dh and the possibility of ttc again :)
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He may also be worried about you being hurt again if it ends in another miscarriage. I know DH was quite hesitant after the 2nd miscarriage as he didn't want to see me go through it all over again.

That is good you had a chat with him and are feeling more positive :)

Thanks again Purple, I know you're going thru an uncertain time yourself atm and appreciate your responses xxoo

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I just looked up some info on misoprostol
https://www.drugs.com/cdi/misoprostol.html

Quote:

---

PREGNANCY and BREAST-FEEDING: Do not take misoprostol if you are pregnant. It has been shown to cause harm to the fetus. Avoid becoming pregnant while you are taking it. Avoid becoming pregnant for at least 1 month or through 1 menstrual cycle after you stop taking it. If you think you may be pregnant, contact your doctor right away. Misoprostol is found in breast milk. If you are or will be breast-feeding while you use misoprostol, check with your doctor. Discuss any possible risks to your baby.

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Just reading these posts brought tears to my eyes as I was in similar position in August last year after my 10 week miscarriage. I was devastated and depressed for a few months but DH seemed over it in no time at all and often couldn't understand why I was upset. Even now he is still not 100% about having another and I don't get that because the three children we already have are just beautiful and perfect. Men....if only they could see things through our eyes sometimes. My DH is very stubborn and almost self-centred at times. You ladies are very lucky if you have DHs that are at least 100% supportive toward your desire for another baby. I wish mine could be and sometimes I find myself worrying that Mother Nature is not granting me my wish because we are not completely in it together.

1moregirl- I could have written the exact same thing regarding my DH and ttc. They just don't get it! And not only he'd rather not have another baby, he can't even begin to understand how badly I want one. I sure hope my boys will grow up to be more sensitive and understanding :-(

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D&C scheduled for tomorrow morning :(

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I'm so sorry again PBN. I really thought we'd get through this pregnancy together. After my D&C in Jan my OB said I could start trying right way as long as I was ready for it. It took me 4 months to get another BFP.

Sorry Pbn, I know you wanted to avoid this :(

Take it easy and make sure you get some rest afterwards.

I'm so sorry Pbn3 [emoji22]. My heart goes out to you, and I am sending lots of strength and healing your way.

[emoji22]




[emoji170]DS1[emoji1379], DS2 [emoji602], & DS3 [emoji577][emoji170]
[emoji166]One last pink sway 2016[emoji166]
My Ovulation Chart

So so sorry Pbn. I will be thinking of you


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I'm sorry. :( I hope everything has gone smoothly.