I thought that seeming there are a few who are having or have just had a girl after swaying for boy, it would be nice for them to have their own little place for support. Especially if it is too hard emotionally to visit the Chit Chat thread.
I thought that seeming there are a few who are having or have just had a girl after swaying for boy, it would be nice for them to have their own little place for support. Especially if it is too hard emotionally to visit the Chit Chat thread.
Ok I need help!!! I'm really struggling with having 3 girls. It sounds horrid to say it but I never wanted ANY daughters, let alone 3, for the exact reasons people say whenever they make comments about raising girls. I for one agree with the comments; girls are hard. It sure seems like it's more dangerous emotionally to be a female than a male; girls can be flat out mean to each other in ways that men just don't do to each other. Women scare me :worry:
I don't consider myself to be a woman who should be raising daughters for any of the traditional reasons people associate with little girls, either ... I have no interest in taking them to dance classes, I don't like dressing them up, we don't own any hair bows or princess toys. I'm so glad my 5 year old just wants to play Batman and Legos and I don't have to deal with dress-up and tea parties, but I worry that DD2 is wanting to do that type of girly thing, and that DD3 will as well ... so perhaps they'll play together but, ummm ... it won't be hard for anyone to notice that I prefer spending time with DD1.
I don't feel like I'm a good "girl mom" and that is probably what scares me the very most about having another one. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm a good mother overall, but I don't think as far as gender-specific parenting goes that I have what it takes to raise daughters.
Oh B :(
Hunny, you always have the best things to say at the perfect moment and I am sure your girls will turn out just like you. It is okay to not be frilly and fu-fu. Having a loving mother is way better than what most girls (children) get. Don't worry you'll get over this hump.
I hope more "all girl" mommies come over here and make each feel better.
begonia, i also dont consider myself to be a girlie mom and i only wanted ONE daughter and 3 sons. i am so not into dresses and tea parties. my eldest wasnt either up until recently when she discovered cinderella and all the other princesses. so she likes dresses but she also like playing with toy cars/trucks, etc and loves sports. DD2 is making her way to 'tomboy'ishness too. ppl (esply MIL!) buy us hair thingies and pretty outfits, they just hang in the closets. we were PANTS here.
what if you had a son that was gay and was very effeminate, itd be the same feeling. you just end up loving and catering to the child in anyway to make him/her happy.
you raise your girls the way YOU and DH want not the way society expects you to. put them in baseball or whatever fancies you guys.we are SO not doing any dancing things. BUT i will say if they choose to, i wont stop it. ive always been a tomboy and never girlie myself so i always feared id be a bad mom to TWO girls. but they are fine well adjusted as are yours. their friends will influence them but you just teach them to stand up for what they believe in: football.
youre going to be FINE with 3. they grow up, get married, and youll miss them not being around. enjoy it now.
that being said, will YOU be there for ME when im going thru this if i get a 3rd girl?? ;-)
Hi B. I saw this thread and want to comment. First, great idea for a place for those to be able to openly talk about their feelings.
Here is something to keep in mind-
1. Nobody grows up to actually be a princess unless you are born into Royalty and then it would be cool anyway because you would have a Title and all.
2. No adult wears a hairbow- or at least nobody I hang out with! Seriously, that too is a temporary, yet functional item for those of us with DDs that have bangs that constantly hang in her eyes.
3. You have a tremendous amount of influence on your girls right now. Do you sign them up for sports? Soccer, tennis, golf, basketball, etc? Do you get them involved in activities that interest you? Dance isn't the only available activity for young girls!
My eldest is a tomboy, like me. She has been in dance though. It was great for learning coordination, being able to follow directions- I treated it like a sport...a competition. I made sure she knew the recital routine well enough that she was front and center and the other little girls looked to her for what to do next! Leadership skills in the making!
Fast forward a few years and she is a good basketball player, is learning golf and tennis and runs. She also can dance but now it is more of that hip-hop stuff but we don't go to class!
DD2 is more girly girl. She wants to be a cheerleader- which is fine because you better be strong and coordinated these days to do that so it means time in the gym in her future for sure. She is my empathetic child(DD 1 is completely self-centered) and she is my go-to child when I need help with the others. She is also asking about golf and tennis so I am putting her in lessons for that. She is also my brainy child- might be a doctor one day.
DD3 is our work in progress LOL. She is in her own world and honestly, she may never make it on her own at this pace. I can see her living with us for the rest of her life because of the way she is. Totally loves baby dolls and chocolate milk. She is funny. Makes me laugh so if she does end up with us, hopefully she will keep me smiling as I grow old.
We go to college football games- my girls know the rules and some of the positions of the players. I watch football and ESPN. We play outside. Last night, we went and followed the deer around that live near us. We go to the local school's sporting events. I really want one of them to play volleyball because it is something I never got to play as a kid. We're doing softball in the spring.
My point is, their life is what you make it. Certainly, they have interests but you can provide a great deal of direction as to what they do in life. Let them do dance but throw something that interests you into the mix- maybe they will love it too!
I was a little kid. Skinny as can be and never asked to play sports, do anything really. My parents signed me up for basketball when I was around 9-10 and it turned out I was a natural and really good. Shocked everyone I think. I certainly didn't look like a basketball player but they found out I was quick, coordinated and a natural athlete. I never asked to play anything though and it was only because they signed me up for something that I found out what I could do!
I wish they would have exposed me to other sports. I think I could have done a lot and maybe earned a scholarship in something that didn't require height(LOL) and who knows where I would be today.
If it turns out you never have a son, at some point, you will have to stop looking at what you can't do and find out what your girls are good at- everyone is good at something. It might not be what you had wanted it to be- like the dancing- but that can be what you make it to and I can tell you from experience that seeing my DDs nail the dance recital routine and seeing one of their her Cheer Squads place 3rd at the region Cheer Off when their team was never supposed to place at all were just as exciting and overwhelming as seeing her score a goal at her basketball game.
I take pride in what they do and I make sure they do too. There is time for everything and once you learn to embrace the pink a little bit and not fear it, it makes things easier. Look at my username- nuthinbutpink. When I signed up on the boards long ago, I too had just found out about my DD3. I was sad. I looked around me and there was NOTHING BUT PINK. Vomit. Once they got a little older and started becoming somebody, it got easier. Even before DS was here. I still want them all to be strong, bold women and having DS did not change that.
My advice to you is look at what you can do. Look where you can get involved at the appropriate times in their lives and gently push them in a direction. They can really be anything, do anything. That is a great place to be and I hope one day they shock the hell out of you like I did with my parents. It's an awesome surprise. I am really close with both my parents and mostly due to the fact that they were so involved in my sports activities as a child and young adult. It made me who I am today.
Big hugs to you, momma. I've been there but it does get easier. There is a butt load of stuff to look forward to. Promise.
Hey B!!
My girls do Karate, seems very boyish but they LOVE it =D
begonia, I can identify with most of what you've said. I don't feel like I'm a good "girl mom" either. I wanted maybe one daughter, and I didn't want a daughter first! I pictured myself with boys, boys, boys!
I really struggled with a lot of GD while I was pregnant with Honor because I just couldn't believe I was going to get yet another girl that I didn't know what to do with, or how to parent well. I feel like my relationship with my mom is "okay" but not great, and it certainly wasn't great as I was growing up. She was sick a lot and she just wasn't there for me. It was really strained.
What helped me a lot was seeing that things are going pretty well with my eldest, and that I'm doing a good job with her - and having people tell me I'm doing a good job with her. She's not a typical "girly girl" (she's not a tomboy, either, though). She's feminine, but in a nice, understated way. She's not a little preteen b****, either, like some of the girls I see. She's not flippant, she doesn't have an attitude.
Just like my boys are not sulky, surly, lackadaisical boys, she's not a stereotypical "diva" girl.
It really comes down to parenting.
Early in my parenting career I decided I wasn't going to have any "terrible twos" (or threes, or fours, or whatever). And it dawned on me that that I could decide the same about terrible teenagers - even girls! My girls don't have to be that stereotypical teenage girl.
Don't get me wrong - I have issues with my toddlers from time. I have attitude problems with DD1. I notice them right away because I can really see the female "attitude" and stuff shining through. I can see my own faults in her. I know what a burden certain woman's tendencies are. My DH notices the DS1's behavior more than I do, and I DD more than he does... we see what we know much better than the other.
I work with her, help her understand and see her attitude. I try to be sensitive, recounting stories of my challenges and how my attitudes hurt or helped me. I encourage her to think about things in a way that will help her improve (rather than sulk and resent). It's not always easy. I don't always feel like I do a good job. But I do feel like I will raise my girls up differently than the stereotypical teenage girl.
Another thing that helped me was realizing that I can have a great relationship with my daughters even if I don't have that with my mom, and that my history does not have be their story. People encouraging me that I'm doing a good job, and noting to me that my mom just really doesn't even listen to me or really see me for who I am has helped. First, it has helped me let go of the feeling that I did something "wrong" with my mom (and thus will do something wrong with my daughters). And it has helped me see what to guard for and how to watch to make sure I am really listening to them, really hearing them, and really seeing them. It has helped me know I can watch them grow and be proud of them for who they are.
It's really very challenging sometimes and it still scares me to think about "what if I mess my girls up?" I mean, my Honor is 4 months old and the thought of hearing "girl" again in a few years scares me! I just worry about raising up the girls. But really, they are such a blessing to me. They help me become a much better mother. Especially now with older girl issues I am able to see myself reflected and become a better woman so they have a better example.
I also get a chance to raise up daughters who are empowered and equipped, and who will hopefully grow to share my values and ideals. And hopefully I will do a good job and help them avoid some of my mistakes and the burdens of habits I developed as a teenager (such as complaining!!)
It's hard, especially when you don't think you're cut out for it. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger :) And our daughters are worth being strong for.
TTC5 - great thread!
Skrimpy & Nuthinbutpink - Well said, brought tears to my eyes.
Begonia - :hugs:
DD1 :ballerina: DD2 :giggle: Allow our girls to become their own person.
So true!Quote:
Originally Posted by gizmo77
DD1 :ballerina: DD2 :giggle:
Well said ladies, i too cant believe i'm having my third daughter..I come from a family of boys & because i get on so much better with men i just imagined myself with a least a son so i'm struggling knowing that's not going to be the case now. I'm very close to my brothers, most of my friends are gay guys & the 3 girlfriends i have i've known since school days (they like my sisters). I'm all for men but the things i know that keep me going are that daughters tend to stay with you more that sons. With some men it all depends on who they marry. I also find that yes girls can be hard work when they are teenagers however they soon mature when they have their own kids & that's when they appreciate their moms more & you become best friends because they understand what it was like for you raising them. Girls are for keeps i say even though i will cry for the son i will never have
Great thread! And so well said, NBP and Skrimpy.
I can't really comment as to having my last and final baby be a girl also....I don't know what I'd feel in that instance. Of course, I know I'd mourn not having a son ever, but hopefully that would be a feeling that would pass sooner than later.
I can say this, though, because of the new situation in which I find myself on this ttc journey: you ladies are BLESSED like crazy to have a baby at all. That may not be what you want to hear, but if I can provide anything to this thread, it is just some perspective when you are faced with not having any more children ever. I know you ladies have been so encouraging and supportive, so much so that it brings tears to my eyes....but the reality is that we may never conceive and have a full-term baby. After much conversation about whether it is fair to our family to take the plunge into HT and have an enormous payment to a financing company each month for 5-7 years, we are not going to do IVF. So, I hope that in saying that I may never experience the sheer joy and amazement of having another child ever again, you gals feel incredibly lucky to have the sweet precious angel that you will have soon enough. I would give ANYTHING to know that I would have another baby, even a girl. In a heartbeat.
But on a different note from the depressing stuff, I totally agree with NBP that parenting, mothering daughters, is what you make it. I am a fairly well-rounded female, I think, and I enjoy girly stuff and boy stuff. I think of my kids as I would hope others think of me: I am who I am, and I hope I am respected for what I enjoy and am talented at and not looked at with any stereotypes. You can encourage your children to try all sorts of things, but in the end, you must respect what they really are into even if it's not your thing. Easier said than done, but the rewards of seeing your kids excel and love something are so worth it. I couldn't care less what my kids do, except that they LOVE IT.
:kiss: I love this thread and think everyone has had such brilliant things to say; I know I'm going to re-read it MANY times because it is full of wisdom. I really, really appreciate everyone taking the time to add their perspective. I know I'm not the only one benefitting from it but I definitely appreciate it.
Skrimpy, I do identify with you re: the mother relationship impacting my perspective, because my own mom was an abusive alcoholic. I feel like I have no model for what a healthy mother/daughter relationship should be. I know what I hope for it to be but I sure wish I had an example to follow, so I am doing my best to provide that for my girls so that one day, hopefully, they won't feel as lost as I do. I feel like I should add that my mom is 10 years sober and a fantastic grandmother, and my girls will never hear a word about her past from me, but it is still pretty impossible for us to repair 20+ years of our past together.
So I know a LOT of my issues are due to that. And the rest, well ... like you said NBP, and others mentioned too ... I will be into what they are into because they're my girls :HH: And if that means I need to learn how to do pigtails and hairbows and watch them cheer at a football game, I'm sure I'll be proud to do it.
And in the dose of perspective category, DD2 had an accident this morning and passed out for a solid minute; people were starting to call 911 before she came to again. It isn't the 1st time it has happened but seeing her like that again, all pale and lifeless ... oh how much I cherish these days with my kids; I'm SO thankful that they are here and they are healthy. I'm trying so hard not to wish them away by fretting about not getting what I wanted. After all that's not the example I want to set for them; being all whiny about things not turning out exactly how you want them to. That's precisely the type of daughter I don't want to have so I'd best not spend my time behaving that way myself.
Although I will say ... watching all the crap my mom did gave me a shining example of what not to do, so ... maybe a few mistakes made by me here and there are good for them :wink:
Oh and NBP I was cracking up about no adult actually wearing a hairbow :rofl: Can you imagine?!?! I might put one in for our next family photo ... it would make for a great Christmas card :)
Begonia -Im so sorry you feel sad. What can I say I have 4 girls. I felt the same with DD3 it was really bad and I did not have a nice support group back on IG like we do here. I don't know if anything we say help you right now but for sure the new baby will help when you hold her.It was a lot easier for me once she was outside.
My girls are not dancing or anything like that but I would not mind if they do .I don't think that boys are so much easy to raise . We can also see bad boys all over the place not just silly girls in the mall!
I hope you feel better soon I know it's not easy!
XXXX
I'm glad you ladies find this thread a good idea, I had a feeling it would bring comfort and support to those who need it xx
OH lord, B, I would have freaked out also! I am glad she is ok! I am telling you, there is NOTHING like putting things into perspective and counting your blessings when you are feeling down about something. I hope my talking about that did not seem trite or anything. I have to do that daily to be ok with what I'm dealing with. Here's the website that makes me REALLY appreciate my blessings, even though I went there because of the losses: www.facesofloss.com. You will cry if you read ANY of these amazingly strong ladies' stories. But this site is here to give hope, which is what I love about it.
Omg, the stories on that website are so so sad I was crying like a baby, literally tears flowing down my face.Quote:
Originally Posted by LolaInLove
Thank you Llove a huge eye opener for me.
I will prey for you to be blessed with another child.
DD1 :ballerina: DD2 :giggle:
Oh gosh how sad, I tried to read her blog but the font was far to difficult to read :(Quote:
Originally Posted by LolaInLove
Yes, when you see what other women go through, having two amazing kids already even though I may not get pg again isn't so bad.... having a 3rd beautiful healthy daughter is not so bad either! These ladies are so tough and have gone through the worst thing ever....I think about sweet Iluv when I read these, and 3P1B, and Princess, some of us have been through it as well. Just helps to remember that a healthy little screamer after 9 months is a blessing, the most immeasurable one possible, no matter what is between the legs.Quote:
Originally Posted by CapricornAquarius
Thank you Flava :) I was at a luncheon today and one of the moms there has a 16 year old son ... and WOW. It was NOT going well for her! And when I think about it ... my older brother was MUCH more trouble than I ever was. He still is. So yes ... I think really, either gender is going to have their tough spots.Quote:
Originally Posted by Flava
HUGS BEGONIA! My 13 week nub was not promising- so probably joining this thread. I am happy to get DD a sister. In fact, what I always wanted! But, sad for DH. We will have another- probably 2, but feeling like DD3 and DD4 are a reality too. :)
Oh Spicy, I'm sorry to hear that! Sisters is really great, I can say that FOR SURE... I never had one but am thrilled for my girls. Much as I said I never wanted DD's I can honestly say the two of them together are just awesome. I genuinely mean it and am not just trying to make you feel better! And do remember ... nubs can be misleading! I wouldn't call her DD2 just yet! And don't forget there are many women who DO get DS after 2 or more DD's. I would sway again with 3 and 4 if I were you.
I'm in such a weird place these days and I hate it. I am totally excited to be having another baby and don't feel any regret about having a 3rd (initially I was thinking it was a big mistake when I heard girl, so this is a huge improvement) and I am even excited to see who she is, because the little personalities in my first two are super fun. But I can't get past feeling sad several times a day that the little boy I envisioned (oh how I could see him!) isn't coming our way, that my girls will not have a brother, that we will not have that parent/son relationship. I don't regret having a 3rd but there are moments I wish we had just adopted #3 instead of making our own again. And then I get mad at myself because I KNOW how lucky I am but I can't seem to beat the emotions into submission, LOL. I HATE not being able to control how I feel. And I hate not being able to control what kind of baby I have. Clearly I have control issues :) I just keep praying that it will go away and in 3 years time I will be happy with what I have. I know sooooo many families with 3 girls; they all seem to be doing a-ok, KWIM? I don't see them running out to adopt a baby boy.
Anyhow, #4 isn't TOTALLY out of the question but I just really can't wrap my head around 4. I always wanted 3, even if we had BG I would have had a third, so it wasn't wholly about trying for a son. But #4 (we would likely adopt if we went for #4) would be 100% about wanting a gender, not as much about just wanting a child. And until I can move more into wanting a 4th child and not just wanting a boy, I think 4 is a bad idea for us. So then I come back to the place where I'm never going to have a son and that place is no fun whatsoever to be in.
BAH. Times like this I wish I could just have a drink!
Hey B.....I completely understand how you feel. I am a pretty big control freak too, so I also hate when I can't control my emotions or a situation (like mine now, lol). I think it will just take some time, and hopefully by her birth, you will be free of those feelings. I guess that should be your mission now, to find a way to shake them. I think sometimes they must make their way through your system for a while, which is good and normal, and then you have to let it go. Do you do prenatal yoga? That may be a great way to work at finding peace.....I LOVE yoga, especially at good yoga centers where they are not just about the exercise part but also about the spiritual part. I always feel so much more in tune with myself and the world when I leave a good yoga class. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you how awesome prenatal is when you're pg.
B, since you said you guys are blessed with the resources for another, why don't you consider going HT? I'd do it in a heartbeat! You are young and healthy enough, I bet it would work first shot. Seriously, I would do it. It would cost you the same as an adoption, for the most part, and it would be your own. Not that adoption wouldn't be wonderful, but you know, it would be your and DH's biological son. And I know you are kinda private IRL, you wouldn't have to tell anyone....I've seen threads where lots of HT ladies don't tell and act like the whole thing is a big surprise from the pregnancy to the finding out gender. Just sayin......
:kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss:
Thanks B! You know what, after my tear fest with Hubs, I have decided that we as girl mom's are awesome! B- you seem like such an awesome person and your life should not be, for one minute, less joyful without a son! I am going to choose to not let anyone rob me of my joy of this dd. I am playing with DD right now, and she is amazing. Her sister will be too. Your newest DD will be too!
Yay, I love reading this! Spicy, I will also add that 2 girls, or even more, is amazing. I LOVE watching my girls play together and love that they will be best friends for life. They have a very special bond that no one will ever break. And you know, could end up not being a girl that you are carrying, you never know. Either way, I am so happy for you all that you are having healthy little babies!Quote:
Originally Posted by SpicyTunaSushi
Awww, Lola, you are far too gracious with me, really. I really appreciate how patient you are to talk through this with me when you're dealing with some hard stuff on your own; honestly, I can look outside myself long enough to want to scream at myself to SHUT UP already and be happy with three healthy girls! So thank you for not doing that, and instead being so kind. You're a lovely person.
Re: high tech, DH wouldn't go for it. I *think* I would be up for trying 1-2 cycles, though I've seen 2 close friends go through it and it isn't easy. But he really wasn't even into swaying b/c of the whole idea of "picking" seemed not right to him. Obviously I don't feel that way :) He's said he wants a boy, but he feels nowhere near like I do about it ... he really will be thrilled to have a third healthy daughter. He feels like if God wanted us to have a son he'd give us one, and in his opinion, we need to figure out whether that means try again naturally (if this is a girl, LOL, since he technically still doesn't know, just believes) or adopt. I'd LOVE to have a son of our own for sure. If Microsort becomes available again for gender selection I might be able to get him to do that since it isn't 100%. But I know for sure he won't do IVF/PGD. Anyhow, where I do feel weird about the adoption is like you mentioned... I am very private, and I hate that many people would know we adopted a son since we couldn't "make" one of our own, KWIM? There would be no hiding that! And would my girls feel like they were somehow NOT what we wanted if we adopt a son? I'd hate that; I do adore them and wouldn't change them, I just ALSO want a son. From that perspective I'd almost rather sway again. Who knows. At this point I so can't see myself with 4 kids so am praying I'll be OK soon with the 3 girls I have. I will say if I was in your position, dealing with true infertility and not just gender desire, I'd FOR SURE do HT. Personally I have nothing against it. If DH was on board I'd be in.
Spicy, you do totally rock, you know that right?!?! I was thinking that today, really, just what you said, that my life shouldn't be any less joyful because I don't have a son. You're absolutely right. I truly believe when I am an old woman and I see women with baby girls I'll probably tear up over the days I spend crying about my own, KWIM? I feel like such an idiot for feeling this way but at the same time am beyond thankful for this place as an outlet, because if I had to keep all this in (though I have talked to one of my BFFs about it) I think I'd feel 1000 times worse. I'm glad you're taking it so well! And really ... you still have a shot at blue!! Don't fret too long about the nub!
Hey, B you can tell your DH that there is a lot praying and begging during an IVF cycle too. My creed I live by is that I don't ask God for anything outright- like something to be given to me...I ask Him to meet me half way. You never know what half way is though- how far some of us have to go to get there. For some of you, it is the sacrifice through swaying and for others, it ends up being HT. Either path, if you believe, I assure you He is involved.
My creed went out the window the week of my cycle too I am sad to say. My DD's go to a Christian school but I was raised Catholic and we don't read the Bible(giggle) so I wasn't really familiar with the specific text. I know I had seen something about asking God for what you want and so I found the passage and read it and sure enough, right there in black and white. After that moment, I begged Him to give me a son too.
He was hand picked. We started with 23 eggs and it dwindled down to 3 males. I transferred all 3(first one which didn't take and then 2) and came out of that mess with one baby. What I had begged for. So, He's there. I don't feel we overstepped our bounds. I feel like if it wasn't supposed to be that way, then it just wouldn't work.
I am not trying to be disrespectful to anyone. I totally understand that HT is not for everyone and surely crosses many lines on both a personal and religious level for many.
I am only typing this because you said you would be okay with it and if DH is your only obstacle, maybe you can work on him! FWIW, it is always the wife driving the HT process- doesn't matter if you want a boy or girl- the wife is the one researching, planning, etc and our DH's are just nice enough to go along for the ride. I told my RE at our first visit that I was the one driving this crazy ship and my DH was nice enough to come along for the ride!
NBP thanks a BUNCH for sharing that. The point about if it doesn't take, it wasn't God's plan, might really speak to him and his thoughts on us trying to control a process we shouldn't. I think it is precious how you refer to him as being "handpicked" ... that makes me want to cry. (although, I do cry at a LOT of things lately!) If he does open up to it I will likely have loads of questions for you next year. I really would love to give it a shot if he came around.
Hi Nuthinbutpink :)
I am wondering if you can tell me whats involved in the pgd ivf process. i would have to travel to the US to do it so i am wondering how long i would have to stay there to do the cycle etc.? We are seriously considering this.
Hi there. So not to completely highjack this lovely thread, I'd encourage you to venture over to the HT forums. There is loads of info there, stickies for women currently cycling so you may follow along with them.Quote:
Originally Posted by believinginblue
Just ask away over there and you're sure to find help!
Show us your nub shots! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by SpicyTunaSushi
Begonia, ask him... what is the difference with adopting and picking a son, and going HT and picking a son ;)
He has a hard time with the creation of embryos we wouldn't ever use. He feels like they would be our kids .... and how could we deny our kids a chance at life? So in his mind better to not create something from our sperm and our egg. I think he'd go for sperm spinning but the % there for boys aren't great.Quote:
Originally Posted by TTC5
Honestly at this point I think I've just got to give up on this dream and try to find a way to move forward and enjoy my 3 girls and forget about wanting a son. I am struggling so much; every day it seems like there's some kind of challenge, either seeing a cute baby boy at preschool or trying to buy clothes for DD2 and seeing boys layette and knowing I can't have that. It just sucks. I said it on another thread but I just wish I had never even heard of swaying, once I heard of it I had to try it, but I wish I never felt like this was something that I could impact. Because since I did try to impact it I'm left feeling like I failed. Like this baby is a reminder of my being inadequate in some way. I know I ought to leave my sway up for others to see as a "what not to do" but I'm thinking of deleting it, because I keep re-reading it myself trying to figure out what I did wrong. I thought it was so fun to BD on my birthday to TTC my DG; I guess I should have waited until a "boy" month? I thought getting that BFP was so fun since I knew we got pg on my birthday and now I just feel like it was a big mistake and I want a do-over. I need to start thinking of this baby as my birthday present :) Not that I'll ever tell her that, I mean how mortifying to know you were conceived on your mom's birthday, LOL.
Anyhow, I hate where I am emotionally. This little baby is a person who has no doubt great things ahead of her, and here I sit moping that she doesn't have a penis! If I wasn't so sad I'd find it funny. GD is just such a sucky thing to have.
Begonia, I swear that everything you write here I would be writing if I was in your position. And first off, let me say that I am not being gracious to you or anyone here (and I don't mean that in a bad way!)....our lives are what they are, each one of us individually, and everyone's struggle is significant. Just because we can't conceive doesn't mean I don't feel everyone's issues also, and I totally know how you feel. Like I said, I would feel the exact same way. There is joy, and there is guilt. I also sometimes hate that I found out about swaying because here I am, over a year later, looking like a different person and FEELING like a different person, too. Maybe we would have just ttc and maybe without the loads of supps, it would have worked sooner, maybe maybe maybe. But, like NBP was saying about God being a part of all of our plans and actions, I think there is a reason I found out about it. I think this whole process has made me HUMBLE, and made me grateful for what I have and not to ever expect that things will turn out the way that I think they will. I have to appreciate life for the crazy journey that it is. In fact, this is my favorite quote- it's on a beautiful card that I keep square on my fridge like a shrine:
I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language...don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...
(rainer maria rilke)
I love this thread because I think it is going to heal you. I don't think it will be anything any of us have to say in particular, but it will be because you have an outlet to vent your true feelings, which are 1000% legitimate and normal in every way.
The day to day struggles are hard. I have them too. I have all sorts of feelings about my situation, and sometimes some about my husband that I wish I didn't have where I resent him for being the problem. I get a big lump in my throat when I see a baby, a pregnant lady, hear about my girl's soon to be half-sister, my other million friends with babies that were easily conceived. But I just HAVE to believe that there is a purpose in all of this. I will become stronger, my marriage with DH will become solid as a rock, and we will find a light at the end of the tunnel someday. I think you will get there also, love....don't hate where you are, try to accept that it is totally normal and believe that you will get over it soon.
Regarding HT, love what NBP wrote also, that handpicked part choked me up also. She is right, God enabled her to go through that journey to handpick her son herself, but He had handpicked him long ago, just like he did your sweet little DD3. I think you and DH should just take a step away from worrying about #4 now.....enjoy where you are if you can. Put the adoption/HT/microsort/will we have another stuff in back corner in your mind for a while if you can, and then you can talk about it another day when you have your 3 kids running around and it's time to address it. I know, easier said than done, but that may help. You need to not only try to find a peaceful spot right now, but enjoy this as well. I also know it might help to have that "safety net" of another one, and it being guaranteed a boy, and if that helps you and he agrees to go along with that, that is wonderful. If not, just set it aside for a while. Big hugs, B......
XXOO
yes i agree, put away #4 for now and go thru your emotions of GD. you have to "mourn" in order to heal..at least that how i see it. ifyou dont face it, it ll come back. that works for me..closure.
and please dont harp on i should have done this, i should have done thats...you did what was supposed to happen. you did it the right way. i highly doubt a 'boy month' would have changed things. many boys are conceived in 'girl months' and vice versa. this is just how it was supposed to happen. for a reason. for the precious healthy girl that will enter your lives and start tearing up your house.
i feel for you even tho i havent gone thru it B, we are all here for you, as well as your new daughter. she cant wait to meet you.
Begiona and Lola - This thread almost brings tears in my eyes.... you both are so open and true to your expressions. Thanks everyone who contributed to this discussion......so relevant to most of us as everyone of us have a reason to be on this site.....
It will be hard I won't lie :(
Only thing that makes it easier to cope with is time. I'm here for an inbox anytime you need someone to chat to xx
I love that quote. I'm going to have to write it down and re-read it a BUNCH. Quotes help me; so does putting on some of my favorite music and just singing loudly in my car with my girls :) Luckily most of my faves don't have explicit lyrics...Quote:
Originally Posted by LolaInLove
And I love what you wrote and I bolded. I think it's wise. I do really, truly believe that I will get through this JUST FINE. I believe I am going to cherish this next girl as much as I cherish the other two. I also do believe I will probably always long for a son. But I can live with that longing, I think. We are putting off the decision about 4 until we have 3 and live with 3. I'm not sure I can see myself (or our family, this isn't just about me, I have to remember!) with 4 kids; I honestly think for us it might be better to live with the longing for a son than live with raising 4 kids.
Hugs to you too, I can't imagine how tough some of the moments in the day are on you as well. I think there's nothing wrong or abnormal with the emotional reaction to resenting your DH re: the sperm thing. I know I have had moments where I look at my DH and wonder WTH he can't give me some Y sperm. So I imagine in your situation yes, I'd definitely be having moments where it would be hard not to just "blame" him and get upset. But, and I'm sure you're in a similar boat.... I love him to bits. He didn't do this to disappoint me. He would change it for me if he could. And I am SURE your DH would as well. So it's hard to carry the resentment too far there, thank goodness.
Thank you Gizmo :) If DD3 is anything like DD2, yes, my house will be in shambles in no time, LOL! I know I can't harp on the timing etc (esp given that what's done is done!) but, as I was talking with my bestie today, it's SO hard when you DO feel like you control it. Having been a OHW every time, I FEEL like this is MY choice, when I get pg, KWIM? She (also a OHW, but with boys) reminded me that while I might *think* it's my "pick" as to when I get pg, it isn't. I'm religious, and she was kind enough to beat back into my head that this isn't about ME. God planned this baby long before I did. And if God hadn't felt the timing was right, well, I would've gotten a BFN. And if God felt this baby should be a girl, then no amount of baking soda or V8 or nuts for breakfast could have changed that.Quote:
Originally Posted by gizmo77
So I need to get over it. I have a hard time feeling like I don't have a "perfect" family b/c I don't have one of each... or 3 boys like I thought I wanted. I have a hard time knowing the family name for my DH will die out. I have a hard time feeling like making girls somehow makes me less of a success, or means I'm somehow weak. I can't lie that all of those are things I struggle with. That people will somehow find it pitiful that we have all these girls and no sons, that my DH is somehow less of a man. The funny thing is, all those SK blog posts about TW psychology had me thinking we'd for sure have a son ... we're tall, we're successful, our fields were very analytical, etc. I was sure the only thing I was doing "wrong" was my diet. Eh. It is what it is. Clearly we're meant to have girls and I'm sure one day we'll know why.
Today is a better day for me though. I'm so thankful for all of you, I really, really am. I agree with what Lola said about this thread bringing healing. I hope I'm not the only one finding it to be so helpful, dreamblue, thanks for chiming in, too! Ha. That rhymed :)
B-Quote:
Originally Posted by begonia
BOLD is exactly what I feel. It is God's choice, he is sovereign- and he is good! He desires good for all of us, even if it means suffering (think of Job).
Underline is also why I feel like I need to have a boy. It really isn't about what I want, but how I want others to perceive me. But like I said, I can't allow that to rule my life.
And if you knew my husband- he is 100% man. Most muscular (naturally) among his brothers, very smart, successful, athletic, etc. I, other than my diet for TW's sake, am a pretty dominant female too. But for some reason, I always think of Martha Stewart. She would totally would fit the TW personality profile- but has 2 dds. And no one is feeling sorry for her, I promise. :)