An "unwanted baby"

Just found out I'm having a second boy and I'm not sure how to cope. I'm in so much pain. I always wanted a son. The idea of two boys on the other hand always scared me, like they'll always be wrestling and fighting. I'm not meant to be a "boy mom". It also crushes my dream of having a boy and two daughters so they could be sisters. With my son I was excited, disappointed he was a boy, but it was my first baby and it was still fun to buy all the baby clothes and everything. Now I have no excitement at all for this baby on the way. There's nothing left I haven't done and my son was always such a good baby. There's no way this baby can compete in terms of sleeping or being an easy baby. I hate the idea of having to go through all the motions again, breastfeeding, sleepless nights. I'd make any sacrifice in the world for a daughter but I'm just not feeling up to it for a boy. I love doing all the nursery decorating and milestone pictures for baby books but even that doesn't sound fun to me. I resent this baby so much for ruining my dreams. I can't believe I have 21 weeks left of pregnancy. Why is life so unfair? All the people who don't "care about gender just a healthy baby" always get one of each or daughters. I wouldn't have complained about only daughters but only sons is the worst. I wish I wouldn't have tried for this baby. I'd be happier with only my son.. Anyone else felt this way about a baby on the way and how did you deal with it day to day during your pregnancy? I know everyone falls in love with their baby eventually after it's born but how do you make it through pregnancy when every kick is a reminder of the child you never wanted?


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Originally Posted by lindz

Just found out I'm having a second boy and I'm not sure how to cope. I'm in so much pain. I always wanted a son. The idea of two boys on the other hand always scared me, like they'll always be wrestling and fighting. I'm not meant to be a "boy mom". It also crushes my dream of having a boy and two daughters so they could be sisters. With my son I was excited, disappointed he was a boy, but it was my first baby and it was still fun to buy all the baby clothes and everything. Now I have no excitement at all for this baby on the way. There's nothing left I haven't done and my son was always such a good baby. There's no way this baby can compete in terms of sleeping or being an easy baby. I hate the idea of having to go through all the motions again, breastfeeding, sleepless nights. I'd make any sacrifice in the world for a daughter but I'm just not feeling up to it for a boy. I love doing all the nursery decorating and milestone pictures for baby books but even that doesn't sound fun to me. I resent this baby so much for ruining my dreams. I can't believe I have 21 weeks left of pregnancy. Why is life so unfair? All the people who don't "care about gender just a healthy baby" always get one of each or daughters. I wouldn't have complained about only daughters but only sons is the worst. I wish I wouldn't have tried for this baby. I'd be happier with only my son.. Anyone else felt this way about a baby on the way and how did you deal with it day to day during your pregnancy? I know everyone falls in love with their baby eventually after it's born but how do you make it through pregnancy when every kick is a reminder of the child you never wanted?


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Hi lindz - So sorry you're feeling this way. GD during pregnancy is so hard. This was absolutely me three years ago when I found out about DS2. Now I feel so sad that I felt that way because he is a such a joy to me. My first was easy, and he was easier. He is so different than his brother and is just melts my heart. I really can't remember why I felt the despair I did. I really want a daughter and there was a point when I honestly felt like my life would be empty and not worth living without one, but I don't feel that way now. We're trying for a third, I would love a daughter but I will be okay with another son. I think as they get older it's easier to see them as people and not just a baby of a certain gender.

Also, when I was dealing with GD during pregnancy I tried to think of the positives and good brother relationships I knew of. I think it's harder for men to sustain close friendships so a brother could be a really important relationship. Whereas women often have lots of girlfriends. I have a sister and we aren't that close so you never know. And it's not all wrestling and fighting I'm way house (it's there) but my sons love to read and dress up and cook so we share lots of interests together. I am going to work on maintaining common interests forever because I think I can have a fulfilling lifelong relationships with my sons. But i do yearn to experience passing down my female experience to someone too, it's just not as all consuming of a desire as it once was.

Anyway, hugs to you. I'm sorry you're going through this. I actually share your belief that people who appear not to care what they have often get one of each. And I also think it's annoying. Try to take it day by day. I hope it gets better for you I think it will.

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I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Do you have access to any counselling?

I know what you mean about people that "don't care". A sort of friend went on and on about how she "didn't care as long as the baby was healthy", but now that she's getting a PP she mentions her "million dollar family" every time I see her.

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Originally Posted by foxtrotmama

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Do you have access to any counselling?

I know what you mean about people that "don't care". A sort of friend went on and on about how she "didn't care as long as the baby was healthy", but now that she's getting a PP she mentions her "million dollar family" every time I see her.

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Oh that is intolerable. 😤

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I completely relate to what you are saying, except I felt this way before I had my first and only child, my son. I remember saying out loud in the car "this is my son...he is my son..." Literally having to practice saying SON because it was so foreign to me. I was so heartbroken and depressed, and ashamed all at the same time. He 2 now and the most precious thing to me. However, I still struggle with GD for sure, but in a way that separated from my actual son. If that makes sense.
On the positive side, just remember that at where you stand all you see is the negative things with no way to really balance them out with the overwhelming love that creeps in as you actually get to know and love this little person. That is how I have slowly come to term with my sadness. Now you cannot feel that because that bond hasn't been created over time, so it all seems so bleak.
It will get better, don't lose hope! And remember the hormones exaggerate all these feelings!

You're not alone. So many of us have shared aspects of those feelings you're having now. You're in one of the hardest parts of motherhood right now. I know how intense it can be. We all know there are wonderful, magical aspects too, and you're going to experience those again, maybe sooner than you think. It's just, this is one of the hardest parts. The pain is real, and your feelings are valid.

I felt this way also with my 2nd little guy. He is currently cuddling me ;)

GD in pregnancy is the worst. Once he is here, you WILL love him (even if it takes a while) because all you will see is your BABY, and, for a little while at least, what is between his legs will not actually matter as you will mother him exactly the same as if he was a girl; you will hold him, feed him, bathe him, dress him and slowly, you will get to know HIM (who he is, not just 'what' he is). I promise you this.

He won't be the same as your first son. He will be neither better or worse, he will just be different.

I remember feeling the way you have described, and it was horrible. I can 100% reassure you that how I felt during my pregnancy bears no relation at all to how I felt once he was born, and now. Maybe start buying a few bits and pieces for him and start thinking of a name you like, it might help a little. I also loved dressing my 2nd little guy in all of the clothes I had loved on my first. They adore each other (even with the fighting). Someone once said to me that I have given my older son the best gift ever of a friend for life :heart:

Take heart honey, you are not alone. Xxx

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Originally Posted by Inforthree

Hi lindz - So sorry you're feeling this way. GD during pregnancy is so hard. This was absolutely me three years ago when I found out about DS2. Now I feel so sad that I felt that way because he is a such a joy to me. My first was easy, and he was easier. He is so different than his brother and is just melts my heart. I really can't remember why I felt the despair I did. I really want a daughter and there was a point when I honestly felt like my life would be empty and not worth living without one, but I don't feel that way now. We're trying for a third, I would love a daughter but I will be okay with another son. I think as they get older it's easier to see them as people and not just a baby of a certain gender.

Also, when I was dealing with GD during pregnancy I tried to think of the positives and good brother relationships I knew of. I think it's harder for men to sustain close friendships so a brother could be a really important relationship. Whereas women often have lots of girlfriends. I have a sister and we aren't that close so you never know. And it's not all wrestling and fighting I'm way house (it's there) but my sons love to read and dress up and cook so we share lots of interests together. I am going to work on maintaining common interests forever because I think I can have a fulfilling lifelong relationships with my sons. But i do yearn to experience passing down my female experience to someone too, it's just not as all consuming of a desire as it once was.

Anyway, hugs to you. I'm sorry you're going through this. I actually share your belief that people who appear not to care what they have often get one of each. And I also think it's annoying. Try to take it day by day. I hope it gets better for you I think it will.

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I know it's crazy to worry about it already but I'm so scared there won't really be strong lifelong relationships with my sons. I feel like once they get married, they'll be too busy. My husband for example lives three hours from his parents and he barely calls them. I know he loves them, but maintaining relationships just doesn't seem like such a high priority to some men. His sisters on the other hand call their parents all the time. I just feel like I'm going to miss out on so much if I only have boys. I try to think of things we can enjoy together, but all I can picture is a lot of sports and video games in the future


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Originally Posted by foxtrotmama

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Do you have access to any counselling?

I know what you mean about people that "don't care". A sort of friend went on and on about how she "didn't care as long as the baby was healthy", but now that she's getting a PP she mentions her "million dollar family" every time I see her.

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I'm worried about being judged by a counselor. I feel like a lot of people don't understand what I'm feeling, especially someone who might have daughters of their own. I don't really want a lecture about how some people would give anything for a baby of any gender.


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Originally Posted by lindz

...I'm so scared there won't really be strong lifelong relationships with my sons...I just feel like I'm going to miss out on so much if I only have boys. I try to think of things we can enjoy together, but all I can picture is a lot of sports and video games in the future

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Yes, I've had a lot of the same thoughts you're having. Being on here and writing with other like-minded and supportive women has helped.

We've got some threads on this site that I hope might be useful for you. (Maybe you've seen them before, but just in case...)

This one is about that saying "A son is a son until he takes a wife"
This is one about boys and sports.
This is one about finding a counselor.

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Originally Posted by Wantanother2017

I remember saying out loud in the car "this is my son...he is my son..."

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This song, Sun - by Caribou, helped me so much. It's like an ecstatic chant that repeats the word "Sun Sun Sun" over and over again. I danced to it alone, thinking "Son Son Son" and it helped me grow close to my unborn boy, and to take joy in him.

I want to thank everyone for taking time to respond. It's nice not feeling alone and having people who understand what I'm going through without judging. I made the mistake of posting about in it my mom's group on fb. I got responses like "maybe you're just meant to be a great MIL"(this provides zero comfort and she's expecting her second- perfect pigeon pair which made me even angrier)at least you already the have clothes you'll need(I love shopping so not helpful at all) someone tried to relate but after having one of each I'm sorry I don't really feel bad that her last child was a girl instead of a boy. Only one really understood after just having had her second boy. I guess it's something that not a lot of people can relate to. My sister knew what a hard time I was having so she offered to paint both the baby's nursery and my son's new room and has gone full steam ahead with planning a theme. I feel so grateful that she while she can't relate herself, she is trying to help me in a way she knew she could. So while I still feel unlucky in many ways, I still have a lot to be thankful for


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I can absolutely related to your situation!
Not sure if you will go for HT, but here is my story..

I swayed girl for my second, I did a pretty good sway so for me it was hard to accept when I found out second boy at 11th week of my pregnancy.

I cried, obviously, the only thing that would made me feel better was my husband promises me to go for the 3rd(my dream was also a boy and 2 girls, he wanted 2) and I'll not sway again, I'll go for HT to make sure my 3rd is a girl, so, I instantly dropped my sadness, work hard and save for my dream!

For the last 29 weeks of my pregnancy, I just kept telling myself "this is not the last, so many people out there have 2 boys, I don't have to be that upset!?" And I'm sure my eldest would like a little brother too as he plays boy games..

Nowadays I'm trying to meet lots of 2 boys mom around me, that really helps too, I'm jealous of people who has PP, I just can't help it..

But like all ladies here say, you will love your baby once you meet him, so am I!! My boy is 4 months old, I kiss him every 5 minutes and he gave me a little smile everytime I kissed him, I'm just so in love [emoji4]




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Yes actually two days after finding out I said screw this. I'm not risking having another boy for our third child, I'm going HT. My husband is 100% on board, and we are going to start saving for it. I've been reading cycle stories everyday, and finding hope. Maybe there will one day be a daughter for me. It's frustrating having to wait. I wish I could at least get tested so I can see what my chances are, but with my plans to breastfeed most likely the first full year, it will be awhile. I'm very lucky that there's clinics in Michigan I can go to instead of also having to factor in travel costs and childcare. When will you start trying?

Whenever I'm out, I look for families with two boys and try to find comfort that I'm not alone. It's hard though because this wasn't the family I had imagined for myself. It seems like a cruel joke that this is how it all turned out. I know boys have so many good qualities as evidenced by my son, but I can't help but feel I'd be a better mom to girls, so having a male dominated house is frustrating. Right now I'm basically having this boy for my husband and son, so I have to keep pushing forward. When he is born, I'm sure that will all change, but right now I can't force myself to care about him.

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Originally Posted by lindz

Yes actually two days after finding out I said screw this. I'm not risking having another boy for our third child, I'm going HT. My husband is 100% on board, and we are going to start saving for it. I've been reading cycle stories everyday, and finding hope. Maybe there will one day be a daughter for me. It's frustrating having to wait. I wish I could at least get tested so I can see what my chances are, but with my plans to breastfeed most likely the first full year, it will be awhile. I'm very lucky that there's clinics in Michigan I can go to instead of also having to factor in travel costs and childcare. When will you start trying?

Whenever I'm out, I look for families with two boys and try to find comfort that I'm not alone. It's hard though because this wasn't the family I had imagined for myself. It seems like a cruel joke that this is how it all turned out. I know boys have so many good qualities as evidenced by my son, but I can't help but feel I'd be a better mom to girls, so having a male dominated house is frustrating. Right now I'm basically having this boy for my husband and son, so I have to keep pushing forward. When he is born, I'm sure that will all change, but right now I can't force myself to care about him.

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Sorry for the late reply, I haven't noticed it until now.

You are right, the most frustrating thing is having to wait!! But you have a toddler, time is flying by!!

I want to start next spring-summer, I'm still breastfeeding my baby and I want to feed him for at least 6 months first, and hopefully I can feed him again once the third one is born, maybe I'm too optimistic, but I'm not young, so I want to do it asap and I just hope all the afford and money can give me a dream daughter in the future [emoji4]






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Originally Posted by pinkcomestrue

Sorry for the late reply, I haven't noticed it until now.

You are right, the most frustrating thing is having to wait!! But you have a toddler, time is flying by!!

I want to start next spring-summer, I'm still breastfeeding my baby and I want to feed him for at least 6 months first, and hopefully I can feed him again once the third one is born, maybe I'm too optimistic, but I'm not young, so I want to do it asap and I just hope all the afford and money can give me a dream daughter in the future [emoji4]






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Ya honestly the breastfeeding is the thing I'm struggling with the most. I breastfed my son the first full year and I feel guilty if I end up stopping early to go through ivf for this one, but at the same time I want my protesting results so I can get a good sense if this will work for me, and I wouldn't mind if they were 15 months apart or so. I know if I'm patient and wait, I won't have to compromise on breastfeeding, and my oldest son will start preschool, the other one will be more independent, and I'll be able to give my daughter more attention. I think it will be an easier decision after the baby is born and I give it a few months to think about it


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Originally Posted by lindz

I know it's crazy to worry about it already but I'm so scared there won't really be strong lifelong relationships with my sons. I feel like once they get married, they'll be too busy. My husband for example lives three hours from his parents and he barely calls them. I know he loves them, but maintaining relationships just doesn't seem like such a high priority to some men. His sisters on the other hand call their parents all the time. I just feel like I'm going to miss out on so much if I only have boys. I try to think of things we can enjoy together, but all I can picture is a lot of sports and video games in the future


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I can tell you as one of the few people with adult kids on the site, this isn't true. My sons are 21 and 24 and they still call me all the time and I usually talk to one or the other for an hour or more a day. (sometimes they call me so much I actually get annoyed with it to be honest - I'm like "did I not just talk to you" LOL) When your boys are really teensy it's hard to imagine having that much in common with them but you WILL. My sons are really cool and we talk about all kinds of interesting things - books, movies, religion, politics, parenting, cooking, interpersonal relationships - pretty much everything other than nail glitter and periods.

My sister in law lives next door to my mother in law and yet it's my husband who calls her 2-3 times a week, emails daily, etc. She will not have seen or talked to his sister in days or even weeks sometimes. I hardly ever talk to my parents either and have gone months without calling (bad daughter. I also miss a lot of birthdays). I think this is something we view thru the lens of our GD as a gender thing when it's really a kid thing.

I would also think about the following idea - when our kids are young we are super tied to them and it is only natural to have those overwhelming feelings of love and never being able to imagine being away from them for a period of time. But as they get older you are going to find that you'll experience a renewal of your own interests (think about how BORING your friends all seemed when they had kids LOL) and the relationship will change anyway. This is a natural thing and it happens on both ends. My dad and stepmom are really active and travel all around and not only do they not see me very often, they don't even see their own daughter that much. They just went 2 years without visiting either of us - and it's not that anyone is sad and waiting by the phone, it's because they went on a trip to France and all this other fun stuff. I think we assume a lot when we envision our "inevitable huge sorrow" as our kids go off and live their lives and assume that it would somehow be any different with a daughter. Sure, it's bittersweet, but at the same time, you wouldn't want it any other way - for a girl just as much as for a boy. I have occasionally seen a dutiful daughter whose lives revolve around their mothers and it makes me SAD. I would not necessarily want my daughter to feel obligated to call me all the time.

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Originally Posted by lindz

I'm worried about being judged by a counselor. I feel like a lot of people don't understand what I'm feeling, especially someone who might have daughters of their own. I don't really want a lecture about how some people would give anything for a baby of any gender.


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FYI, I have seen many dozens, if not hundreds of people pursue therapy and counseling over GD issues and virtually all of them ended up feeling worse after having gone than they did before. I can count on one hand the number of people who felt it had helped them.

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

I can tell you as one of the few people with adult kids on the site, this isn't true. My sons are 21 and 24 and they still call me all the time and I usually talk to one or the other for an hour or more a day. (sometimes they call me so much I actually get annoyed with it to be honest - I'm like "did I not just talk to you" LOL) When your boys are really teensy it's hard to imagine having that much in common with them but you WILL. My sons are really cool and we talk about all kinds of interesting things - books, movies, religion, politics, parenting, cooking, interpersonal relationships - pretty much everything other than nail glitter and periods.

My sister in law lives next door to my mother in law and yet it's my husband who calls her 2-3 times a week, emails daily, etc. She will not have seen or talked to his sister in days or even weeks sometimes. I hardly ever talk to my parents either and have gone months without calling (bad daughter. I also miss a lot of birthdays). I think this is something we view thru the lens of our GD as a gender thing when it's really a kid thing.

I would also think about the following idea - when our kids are young we are super tied to them and it is only natural to have those overwhelming feelings of love and never being able to imagine being away from them for a period of time. But as they get older you are going to find that you'll experience a renewal of your own interests (think about how BORING your friends all seemed when they had kids LOL) and the relationship will change anyway. This is a natural thing and it happens on both ends. My dad and stepmom are really active and travel all around and not only do they not see me very often, they don't even see their own daughter that much. They just went 2 years without visiting either of us - and it's not that anyone is sad and waiting by the phone, it's because they went on a trip to France and all this other fun stuff. I think we assume a lot when we envision our "inevitable huge sorrow" as our kids go off and live their lives and assume that it would somehow be any different with a daughter. Sure, it's bittersweet, but at the same time, you wouldn't want it any other way - for a girl just as much as for a boy. I have occasionally seen a dutiful daughter whose lives revolve around their mothers and it makes me SAD. I would not necessarily want my daughter to feel obligated to call me all the time.

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I understand what you're saying. I think by not having a brother, I wasn't able to see what type a relationship a parent has with their adults sons. I guess every relationship is so different you can't really made broad generalizations. Even if I have a daughter, I might end up having more in common with my son and our personalities might mesh better. My husband thinks my dreams for a an adult relationship with a daughter are coming from my dream of a "Gilmore girls" relationship lol. He says it's not really realistic to think we're going to be best friends and constantly talking to each other. You don't really see shows out there where the main focus is look at how close this mom is with her son. In fact in the media being a "mama's boy" is a negative thing and often made fun of. There's no sense in me already worrying about a future DIL coming in between me and my son. Maybe she will actually like me and let me spend plenty of time with the grandchildren. I know a lot of people don't get along with their MILs but I do, so I know there's always exceptions. If I tried to push my MIL away, I can't see my husband just sitting back and doing nothing since he loves his mom. Hopefully my sons will love me enough to make our relationship an important part of their lives. I do see the way my SIL(married to my husband's brother) always makes her family the priority and is always late for any gathering with my husband's side of the family. Her husband goes along with it and lets her call the shots. Hopefully my sons will have more a backbone than him


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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

FYI, I have seen many dozens, if not hundreds of people pursue therapy and counseling over GD issues and virtually all of them ended up feeling worse after having gone than they did before. I can count on one hand the number of people who felt it had helped them.

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Interesting, why do you think that is? I could see people benefiting from therapy if there's deep issues like abuse or neglect that makes someone have a bias against having a certain gender child. As for me, I've just always wanted to raise both genders with a slight favoritism for girls because I'm girlie girl and have more positive relationships with females. I still wanted a son, my sadness comes from not having a daughter. Many women I've talked to prefer having a daughter over a son. I've even seen women sad when they aren't having a second daughter. I guess I don't want to sit in therapy having to defend my reasons for wanting a girl, when other women want girls too but it doesn't become an issue because they have one. Sure other women handle gender disappointment better than I have, but ultimately it comes down to accepting something you can't change. The therapist can make me feel guilty by comparing those struggling with infertility or infant loss, but again that wouldn't make me leave therapy feeling better..


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Hi Lindz, i've been reading your thread and totally understand. I had DS2 6 weeks ago, and from the 18week scan to birth I was searching for the cure to GD to get me through the rest of my pregnancy. I came across this article (you may have read it already) it comforted me a tiny bit. I laughed and cried (mostly cried) reading it out loud to my husband.

My Ultrasound Tech Got it Wrong -- TWICE | Huffington Post

I've seen two therapists within the last few years and I found them helpful for dealing with my depression and anxiety but both kind of brushed off my GD. I'm not worse off but they didn't help with it in a direct way, although treating my other issues helps somewhat.

I think the biggest factor is that they tend not to know much about GD or how to treat it.

Additionally, I think therapists don't like to deal with GD because they see so many screwed up parent-child relationships of all kinds that they don't believe having a girl or whatever will address anything at all.

Also, I think they tend to believe that GD is really about other things, for example the patient's relationship with her own mother, or fear of aging, etc. I just get the impression they see it as a band-aid and sometimes it probably is.

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Originally Posted by Kawazza

Hi Lindz, i've been reading your thread and totally understand. I had DS2 6 weeks ago, and from the 18week scan to birth I was searching for the cure to GD to get me through the rest of my pregnancy. I came across this article (you may have read it already) it comforted me a tiny bit. I laughed and cried (mostly cried) reading it out loud to my husband.

My Ultrasound Tech Got it Wrong -- TWICE | Huffington Post

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Omg I cannot imagine finding out I was having a boy in Mexico of all places. Definitely made me cry, especially since her second is a boy too. You just have so many dreams for these daughters that don't exist. I hope you're enjoying your new little man! Congrats! Do you think you'll have any more kids or are you done?


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Originally Posted by lindz

Omg I cannot imagine finding out I was having a boy in Mexico of all places. Definitely made me cry, especially since her second is a boy too. You just have so many dreams for these daughters that don't exist. I hope you're enjoying your new little man! Congrats! Do you think you'll have any more kids or are you done?


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Sorry for late reply and thankyou. Congratulations on your pregnancy also :) We thought we were only going to have two children (I imagined girls) but now we are thinking 3. We would want to guarantee a girl so we would try HT. I think about it everyday. We are hoping the laws are changed in Aus soon. How far along are you now?

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Originally Posted by Kawazza

Sorry for late reply and thankyou. Congratulations on your pregnancy also :) We thought we were only going to have two children (I imagined girls) but now we are thinking 3. We would want to guarantee a girl so we would try HT. I think about it everyday. We are hoping the laws are changed in Aus soon. How far along are you now?

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I'm 22 weeks so still a long way to go! I hope it's legal in Australia soon, that will make things a million times easier for you!


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The woman in that article is actually a IRL friend of mine, and she went on the have a third son actually. She's a really hopeful example because I think she is really happy in her life, I know she still feels the pain of not having a daughter, but she's dealt with it. I think she's wrote about it elsewhere on her blog, but it was neat to see you all finding her article helpful!

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Originally Posted by Inforthree

The woman in that article is actually a IRL friend of mine, and she went on the have a third son actually. She's a really hopeful example because I think she is really happy in her life, I know she still feels the pain of not having a daughter, but she's dealt with it. I think she's wrote about it elsewhere on her blog, but it was neat to see you all finding her article helpful!

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I'm glad to hear she's happy and doing well with three boys!


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Originally Posted by trifecta

I've seen two therapists within the last few years and I found them helpful for dealing with my depression and anxiety but both kind of brushed off my GD. I'm not worse off but they didn't help with it in a direct way, although treating my other issues helps somewhat.

I think the biggest factor is that they tend not to know much about GD or how to treat it.

Additionally, I think therapists don't like to deal with GD because they see so many screwed up parent-child relationships of all kinds that they don't believe having a girl or whatever will address anything at all.

Also, I think they tend to believe that GD is really about other things, for example the patient's relationship with her own mother, or fear of aging, etc. I just get the impression they see it as a band-aid and sometimes it probably is.

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:agree: This is my belief as well. The whole core of psychology is the "blank slate" theory - meaning that we are the way we are because things happened to us and "made" us that way. But I really believe that GD is for at least some of us, innate - just like how some people naturally want to be married and others are ok if it doesn't work out, and how some people really want kids and others don't or are ok if it doesn't happen or are ok with one while some of us really feel a burning desire for a large family - no one would argue that wanting to find a mate and/or have kids is not innate even though we don't all experience it to the same extent and in exactly the same way. GD is the same way - for some of us it's mainly a same sex child, others it's both genders, or even the opposite - but it's just IN THERE to start with.

Then, because we (or therapists) are so familiar with the idea that "something MADE me this way" we look back at our lives and find whatever it is that went wrong in our lives and then seize on that as the "reason". But it was there to start with - our life events may give it a particular flavor, may make it cut deeper or feel more unfair than it might have otherwise, but it was already there. That's why we see just as many people who are like "I have GD because I had a great relationship with my mother and want to experience that again" as are "I had a bad relationship with my mother" Or "I've accomplished everything I ever tried to in life except this one thing" vs. " I've never gotten anything I want in life, can't I have this one thing?" These people seemingly have totally different triggers but they are in just as much pain and it's because it's not coming from US, it's not something that we did wrong or some symbol of how broken and damaged we are, it's because it's only natural to want to experience raising sons and raising daughters. That's why it is the first question people ask when a baby is born. No one walks up to you and says "does it have brown eyes or blue?" or even if the baby is healthy. They ask if it's a boy or a girl. Even monkeys check the baby's genitals immediately at birth!!

Didn't know that about monkeys, LOL!

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

...I really believe that GD is for at least some of us, innate - just like how some people naturally want to be married and others are ok if it doesn't work out, and how some people really want kids and others don't or are ok if it doesn't happen or are ok with one while some of us really feel a burning desire for a large family - no one would argue that wanting to find a mate and/or have kids is not innate even though we don't all experience it to the same extent and in exactly the same way. GD is the same way...

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Yes, I really do feel that this intense desire to mother a daughter is innate. I could try to point to things that happened in my past, but in the end it just feels like it's very, very deep within the fabric of who I am.

Okay... this next thought will probably sound offensive and ridiculous, but when I hear transgender people describe the intense drive to change their birth sex, my GD feelings cause me to relate to that struggle on some level. Is this just bizarre or does anyone understand what I mean?

That said, I have truly no perspective on how it would feel to be transgender. It's shallow for me to make that connection, but there is something about profound frustration with the categories of sex and biology that I so deeply relate to...

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Originally Posted by trifecta

Didn't know that about monkeys, LOL!

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yeah and it's not just one kind, either, it's primates - any that have the ability to check, DO. :p

I remember distinctly the first time I really realized that ~I~ could grow up and have a baby someday - that that was a thing that could actually happen to me and probably would. I was 6, and it was a GIRL. I immediately picked out names for "her". This wasn't an idea anyone put into my head, I remember it in a moment of absolute crystal clarity that realization that OMG that is going to totally happen someday. The idea of a boy baby did not even enter my mind. Now obviously that was just a kid's momentary thought process, and I went on to really have a strong desire for a boy for my first child (and just got lucky and got him) but it's just indicative of the idea that this was something that was coming from me and not put into me because I "fear death" or whatever Freudian BS they come up with LOL. My parents were not even screwed up back then, either - that came later.

I agree that the desire is natural but I definitely think having a fixation is sometimes about other things. I know my GD is all tangled up with my fears about moving on to the next stage of life, going back to work, etc.

While I definitely have the feelings of "I never get what I want" and deal with jealousy towards other people who I feel have the "perfect life", it's just not the major cause of my gender disappointment. You can give all the women with a "perfect life" around me only boys so I no longer can feel like I'm the only one getting slighted, it won't make my feelings of hopelessness of not being able to get a daughter go away. I don't want a daughter because everyone else has one, I want a daughter for my own experience of it. With most things in life, a therapist can push you forward to go after what you desire. You want to get married? Go out on dates, have friends set you up, try and meet someone online. You want a different job? Go back to school, find an internship or volunteer to get experience needed, and apply for jobs. You want a girl? Well there's nothing you can do about it. Just be happy with what life gives you. I'm skeptical a therapist is going to encourage me on the road to going HT, which is how I'm coping with not getting a daughter right now