Boy #4 for us.

So just as I expected. Boy #4 for us. Roller coaster of emotions for me. It changes from moment to moment.

Awe sweetie....sorry you didn't hear pink! But hopefully he is healthy and he will be a wonderful addition to your family!

Aww Im sorry you didnt hear girl, I really hope you can warm up to it before he's born, all the very best.

Im sure your sons will be happy having another bro!! I had the best childhood growing up with 3 sisters.

sorry hun,
i know what it was like when i found out i was having boy number 4.
it took every bit if strength i had not to burst into tears right there on the ultrasound table.

it took a few weeks , but i adjusted , and now hes my whole world..:)

Hope the rollercoaster stops soon and you find yourself in a place of happiness with it. ((HUGS))

Big hugs hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm sorry for the darkness you're going through; hope you can allow yourself to grieve.

I´m sorry you didn´t hear pink shouldihope, I´ve read your sway, you really did everything you could have.
I hope you´ll be in peace with it at some point and be able to enjoy :HH:

I could not sleep last night. Laid in bed and cried. All I could think is if we just had 2 we could travel or go to Disneyworld, instead of struggling financially. All because I was greedy and selfish and kept forcing it. Don't get me wrong I adore Ds3 but he is challenging. Ds2 has behavior issues as well as other issues. Every day is a challenge with him. Ds1 is stuck being the responsible one that will likely get lost in the shuffle with another one. I am the only person I know of IRL that will have 4 boys and no girl. I wish I could hide out from the world so I dont have to fake it.

Maybe #2 and #3 will step up to the plate a bit more when there's a baby in the house. They'll love him and love to feel themselves a little closer to the "grown ups" in the house if they can help you fetch diapers or binkies or blankets. I know it's hard to imagine, but there could be positive changes in store for the family dynamic when 3 becomes 4 (I speak as someone with 4 of the other kind, whose #2 was also very challenging, and shaped up quite a lot when her sisters were born). Anyway, I just wanted to send wishes that these good things are in store for you...even if they're not the good things you were hoping for.

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately I am in a dark place right now. I could not get out of bed to go to church. Mustered the strength to go to a Christmas party at church. Figuring I would have to face people on Monday anyway. The first friend that could somewhat relate to my situation that asked how I was doing I burst into tears. My eyes were already puffy from 24 hours of crying. There went the make-up I had used to try to hide it. My best friend even seemed to avoid me like the plague. She asked me a few months ago to explain why I wanted a girl so much, I cried when I explained it to her. She said she still did not understand. She has 2 boys and a girl. How could she understand? She never experienced it. Now that I completely lost it in front of everyone I feel like people are whispering about it instead. My sis will be coming for Christmas and just had her 2nd failed IVF cycle. I hope I can pull it together by then. I don't see that happening though. I would never want to lose a baby but I keep remembering back to my prayer before we started TTC. I prayed to GOD that I would not get pregnant if it was going to be another boy and that we would quit trying by November. I also prayed that if a girl was not meant for me that he would give my sister a baby of her own boy or girl instead of giving me another baby. I would have survived not being pregnant again we had planned on start the foster to adopt process if we did not get pregnant. Adopting 1 or 2 little girls. We even had the meeting times printed out. I do not want 5 or 6 children though. I can barely handle 3. I know a lot of this issue stems from a horrible childhood. Absent father, alcoholic and abusive step-dad, neglectful mother that allowed bad things to continue. My sister and I bonded together to survive our horrible childhood. We have a bond I have with no one else. My husband is even jealous of it and does not understand it. Obviously because of my past I am very familiar with the darkness of depression. I have been through a lot of counseling which has helped but I still feel like I am in a world of boys and I have no clue what I am doing and how to do it. My hubby is somewhat clueless too since he grew up as an only child of a single mom. He would have been happy with 1 or 2 kids. I cried to him this summer and convinced him that I could not be happy without trying for a daughter. I told him if we have another boy at least we tried. I knew their was no garauntee. He said he would prefer a daughter of his own over adoption. Needless to say he is dissapointed but no where near where I am. Don't get me wrong I love the boys I have. I actually can't imagine life without them. I just remember how bad things were with DS3 and I know I should see someone. How will I find someone that understands and that we can afford? How will I put on a happy face when I have church events I am obligated to be involved in? I feel mad at GOD for not listening to my prayers yet again. If you read this far thanks. I needed to get that out.

I'm so sorry, I know if I hear boy this week I'm going to be devestated to have lost the dream iykwim? I hope that you feel better in time and even if you don't, know that we're here to listen x

I'm so sorry. I just want to let you know that I read what you wrote and there are people here that are 'listening'. Many of us have felt the way you do and the only thing I can offer is that is takes time to get past the way you feel now and it will get better. By all means, if you need to get professional help, please do so. It can be very careful to be able to voice how you feel in a non-judgemental setting.

I know given your past, you will make sure you do an excellent job at raising your sons so they don't repeat what has happened to you.

I don't know why G-d doesn't give us what we ask for or what we feel we need. It seems like it would make things so much easier. Then I think back to all I begged Him for from the beginning and I am so thankful He didn't listen to me. I know I would probably be divorced and homeless if he had answered my prayers about one of my boyfriends!

I hope you continue to chat with us, let us help where we can and just know that we are here if you need someone to vent to.

Totally get it. Hope you hear girl. :)

Thanks NBP. I feel so angry and bitter right now that I just need to get it out somewhere. Better here than at home or among people that for the most part do not get it.

Btw, your sway was fantastic - I would feel robbed in your position too. I really don't think you could have done any more and I hope you'll find comfort in that and will have no regrets about what you could or should have done. {hugs}

Thanks, Z. I was so proud of how much weight I lost. I have never been motivated to lose weight that quickly before. I don't think I could have changed anything to make it better without becoming obsessive. I did as much as I could but in the end I decided that all the lime stuff and douching were not me and would have stressed myself and DH out. That is one of the major parts I look back on and wonder. I tried to mostly focus on diet without getting too over the top. Who knows what I could have done differently? My DH said the other night that we could try again. I said NO WAY!!!! I can not go through this again. It is too painful. I just want one of us to get 'fixed' once DS4 is born. If someone would have told me from the start that I would have 4 boys---(before meeting them that is), I would have freaked out and only had 2 at the most and maybe adopted a 3rd. Now that DS3 is in my life I would not trade him though.

I'm so sorry you didn't hear girl :( All your emotions are totally understandable and normal. Especially the financial strain and wishing for a smaller family to go and do more--I totally get it.

Praying that it gets a little easier as time passes and that your pregnancy is happy and healthy. Thinking of you today!

I can feel how painful this must be for you. But maybe this little boy will help bring something to your life that you can't expect right now. I know, I know--you're feeling absolutely gutted. What helped me with DS3 when the GD was almost unbearable was to start talking to him. I talked to him all the time and eventually the pain lessened. Now I can't imagine having anyone other than him.

I hope you find some peace soon, and don't be afraid to cry. You can always come here and vent, rage, cry, laugh or whatever you need. We're here for you.

Oh hun I can identify so strongly with what you've written, and I'm so, so sorry you're in this place. My DG reasons also stem mostly from childhood issues ... the mother in my case though, no father around, and I just never wanted to have to deal with a mother/daughter relationship since mine was a horrid experience. I literally wanted no daughters, and with each one I've had, it's been a little harder for me to bear. This third one really felt like a defining moment though; we only wanted 3 kids, and with all girls, I'll have relationship that times three. Our past however doesn't define our future; if anything I am quite certain I have a long list of "what not to do" to help me out, and no doubt you do as well. You'll raise amazing men I am sure of it. I know that's probably no comfort now, but it's very likely true.

We also considered adoption v. conceiving naturally; I had (and still have) some regret that we didn't pursue the adoption route. I told DH I felt like having another girl was my punishment for ignoring the fact that adoption has tugged at my heart for years. I selfishly wanted to be able to have a biological son. I too prayed so hard that I wouldn't even get pregnant if it wasn't going to be a boy! Then I would feel guilty about that prayer though and asked God to send the best person for our family, and I have to trust that He followed through on that part of the prayer since He clearly said no to the first part.

It's been hard and I've been angry at God, and I spent about 7 weeks crying literally every day, often without a trigger. I turned down several holiday parties that we normally attend because I didn't want to have to talk about having my third daughter. What you're going through is, IMO, a normal stage of grief. It is incredibly difficult to let go of the "dream" child even though that child was never real; I think even more so when we sway because our hopes get high. And on top of that grief, you have to face raising an additional child and all that brings with it. It is a LOT to bear so give yourself some grace as you deal with all of it.

It has taken me over 2 months to get to a place where I'm finally not crying every day, and I've quit spending so much time wishing I could change things that I can't. The first days and weeks after the ultrasound I really was in a very dark place and posted about it on here often, I encourage you to keep doing it, I do think it helps. In the last week I am finally feeling better about it. I hope that time brings healing for you as well.

KYBO- Thank you.
Yuzu- I hope you are right about DS4 being something in my life that is something good that I did not expect.
Begonia- The thing with adoption is I would not be able to nurse that child to look down at a sweet little baby girl and see pieces of my DH or myself and have that special bond that developed with each of my boys. I went through all these emotions with DS3. They just feel like they have multiplied. I feel grouchy and like my anger and emotions could boil over at any moment. I can't imagine this going on for months. I don't think my family will be left standing if I do not get over this quickly. At this point I do not know what to even pray nor do I really want to. Feeling like so many people I know have the happy healthy, parental relationships and awesome childhood. Then there perfect dream family. They got both. I wanted at least one of those things.

I honestly could not imagine my life without my 4th DD :)

I'm sorry. :( I can only imagine what this must feel like, especially since it sounds like this is your last child.

About your boy's behavioral issues, have you or can you afford to look into things like ADHD, therapy, counseling, activities that may help channel some of their energy and emotions?

I had a brother with major anger issues that included a lot of physical violence, screaming, oppositional behavior, and general aggression. Now, my family environment and the way my parents parented him did him no favors. My father was very absent unless he was hitting my brother with a belt and my mother was extremely aggressive and encouraged all kinds of unhealthy confrontation. They refused to look into ways to manage his behavior outside of corporal punishment and prayer. They had the money to do some investigative types of things, too, but refused for whatever reasons.

Does your husband help out with the more unruly sons or is it mainly you dealing with the boys?

Sorry, you don't have to answer any of those questions here. I was just thinking out loud. Please pardon me if I pried too much.

In the meantime, I hope that you can find some peace in all of this. It seems very overwhelming right now. I am thinking of you.

Thanks TTC5. I hope that is true for me.
Fresas- We did some testing on DS2 this summer and he was diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder. I guess it is considered on the autism spectrum. Not autistic but some of the characteristics go hand and hand. Insurance only paid for part of treatments for 2 months then we were on our own. We are still paying that off. We still use some of the therapies that they recommended every day but it would be impossible to do all of the things they recommended. My DH does deal with behavior issues, but he was an only child and tends to overreact to noise and well almost anything DS2 does involves noisy lack of self-control. I do lose my temper with him FAR more than the other 2. Overall we could do a better job being patient with him, however I do think he is highly intelligent and loves to figure out ways to get attention be it negative or positive. He knows what buttons to push. He can go from the sweetest most thoughtful child to the most frustrating and almost crazy acting child out of the blue sometimes. It is like he becomes another person. It seems to come in stretches of really good days then really bad days. He also has many sleep issues that involve requiring him to have melatonin at times to help him calm down (per doctor order). DS3 is just energetic and follows whatever DS2 is doing which can make for 2 children misbehaving and not listening. On his own he is just a busy handful that never sits still and is constantly running and getting into things.
I guess I am just worried about what next school year will bring since I have been homeschooling DS1 and DS2. DS1 will be in 1st grade next year and DS2 will be in kindergarten. DS3 will be 2.5 and then I will likely be struggling with GD and PND while trying to nurse a 3 month old. Not sure how that will go?

I have to say that I did not cry much today. I think that is only because today was more busy than yesterday and I tried to avoid thinking about being pregnant at all. Not necessarily great but I still have to act like life is the same, even if I do not want to. I have avoided all calls and pretty much any people unless I have to go somewhere. I will not have that luxury the rest of the week and am dreading telling more people this week. Feeling like I wish I could hide this pregnancy as long as possible so I can avoid comments and questions as I get bigger and am out and about with my kids. My boys seem to have no clue of what I am going through which I am thankful for. DS1 said to me today that he really wanted a sister and not another brother (He has been saying that the whole time), but that he knows I wanted another boy because I like having boys.
DH was not home last night and he made the comment that he thinks I am far worse this time than I was with DS3 and that he was worried about not being here and what condition I would be in when he came home. I reassured him that even though my thoughts have been dark many times in my life I NEVER have followed them through. I hope that helped him. That is my vent for the day. Thanks.

I'm sorry about the issues with the 2 youngest. It can be really hard to find out what works and what doesn't work for kids. I hope that you will be able to find something that helps your sons express themselves and also behave themselves at the same time.

I was homeschooled with my two younger brothers. I think had my mother been more willing to seek outside help for us kids (academically, socially, and mentally) and not stir up so much confrontation, it would have been more beneficial to everyone. I hope that things go well for homeschooling you and you and your kids get the learning and resources you all need. :) You seem like a caring, thoughtful person so hopefully teaching will go well.

I also hope you can get the support you need for the rest of your pregnancy. You are going through a lot.

More {hugs} and thoughts today x

I have not cried today. I still feel angry and sad. I had to leave the house today and so was asked the question I dread 4 times. (do you know what you are having?) I was worried I would break down, but I think because everyone had such nice responses I did not feel as bad. Probably not excited like I should be, but better than a break down. We have somewhere to go tonight as well and again tomorrow so I hope it goes as well as today. Thanks everyone for letting me 'cry on your shoulder'. Maybe that is what helped? It is great to have people that don't think I am horrible to 'talk' to about this. I am not one to keep my strong emotions to myself or hide them very well.

shouldihope? I read all your posts and my heart goes out to you right now!! I have been in your shoes more than once.
My oldest has ODD and was not diag. until the end of 3rd grade. He has anger and emotional issues....we are pretty sure he has childhood Bi-polar. While at 13 he has managed to out grow a few things....most he has not. His dad left us when he was just shy of 2yr of age. He remembers that day very well. So I have had to deal with him by myself for years. In 2005 I remarried and the real war began.....his step dad is NOT HIS DAD! (his words) So I know exactly how hard it is with a child that has problems. And I know exactly how you feel about baby #4 being a boy. I felt the same way with my baby boy #4.....I wished he was not part of this family I wished God had not punished me with another boy I felt I didn't deserve a girl! And then the worse thing happend in our life....at 23 weeks we were told our Baby boy was very sick and had a 1% chance of living! And for 3 weeks I carried him and cried everyday thinking that I had done this (I knew it wasn't my fault really but I had wished he never was)! I prayed to God to make him well and keep him with us....but he didn't. Sometime at 26 weeks along his little heart grew tired and he went to sleep! I had prayed a week before that if he couldn't fight any longer that is was ok for him to leave us...because I didn't want him to hurt anymore. So that prayer was answered. For a really long time I felt it was something I wished for...something I was being punished for. But it took a long time for me to realize that my Evan leaving us was a test of my courage my faith and even my love. I wasn't being punished it just happend. My desire for another child was heavy on my heart...yes a little girl would have been wonderful but here I am 18 weeks a long with boy #5 and I couldn't be happier. And I wish I could share some of this joy with you right now. But I do believe that you will find your joy in this little boy that is being added to your family. I honestly believe that God it teaching me patience though my boys and someday down the road I will be blessed with a little girl for my reward of learning patience!

Princess- I have read your posts and visited your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of baby Evan. I think I would feel the same way as you if something happened to this baby. I hope that I can come to a place of joy about this pregnancy. Right now I can not imagine it happening but I know it is still new and fresh. Praying that your boy #5 is a healthy little guy. Thank you for sharing your story.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. I went through it with my 4th boy. All the time trying to get pregnant and leading up to finding out I convinced myself I wanted another boy. It wasn't until the day I was due to get my cvs results that I let myself get my hopes up for a girl. When I found out it was another boy I was crushed. It was physically painful. I cried and cried. My husband just held me. I've never cried like that before. I was very depressed, for weeks if not months. I don't think anyone could say anything or do anything to bring me out of it. I had to get myself there. And I did. By the time he was born I was ready and excited for him. And now that he's here he's another light of my life, just like the others. From day one I would have died for him. He's so precious.

My heart still aches for a daughter. I think it always will. I don't know what to do about that. But I do know what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't trade one of these boys for the most perfect girl in the world.

Still thinking of you today.

Thank you Halah and Fresas- I started to lose it again today when I was talking about DS4 to someone. Thankfully I was called away and became busy and focused on something else. The busier I am the less focused on things I think. I don't know that avoidance is healthy but I don't have time to be focused on being sad, nor do I want my boys to know. I also find that most people do not understand where I am coming from when I talk about any kind of disappointment. One lady I talked to today looked at me as if I was nuts. Maybe I am? However, I am an open and honest person. Not being honest feels more lonely. Anyway, it is impossible that anyone would believe we did not try for a girl . Everyone that knows me, knows that I want a girl. Now I am faced with that question.... You wanted a girl didn't you?

I was telling my husband about some of the situations on this board and he felt a lot of empathy for your situation. We both want a daughter, but probably will not be able to TTC because we just can't do it financially. However, he said he hoped that the rest of your pregnancy can be peaceful and that DS4 will have an amazing, laid back, and happy demeanor that will be a blessing to the rest of the family.

thanks Fresas. you guys are so sweet. hope you both get to ttc soon. I am still having a tough time imagining my family with 4 boys. Especially the teenage years. it will come with time I hope.

We've been going back and forth about having another because we don't feel financially stable enough to do that. We have kind of put having another in the background for now, but we have to make a final decision soon because we don't want to have more kids too late in our age, plus our oldest is going to be 9.

Anyway, I think a lot of people dread the teenage years because there are some issues, but as long as you and your husband remain open, honest, and encouraging with your kids, I think it can really help avoid some of the bigger issues that plague teenagers. Parenting is a lot of work! I hope that you will find it rewarding with time. Take a day at a time.

ShouldIhope

I am hoping that you are in a better place and have adjusted to the knowledge of your 4th son. I have been there. I was not and have never been disappointed with my sons but moreover with the fact that I was not experiencing a daughter. My 4th son is indeed a light as he was the point when I decided that I was going to do IVF/PGD for my daughter. My decision in part was due to the fact that he was such an easy baby and has been such a good little boy that I felt having a fifth would be do-able. Our daughter joined our family this year after an aggressive 4 attempts at high tech. My family is complete. I love my boys so much and they love their sister. We are all happy. However, the journey has not been an easy one and maybe yours won't be either but I pray that you are able to cope with the larger family and that one day your daughter finds her way into your family. Best of luck with this pregnancy and your quest to add XX to those wonderful XYs.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by shouldihope?

thanks Fresas. you guys are so sweet. hope you both get to ttc soon. I am still having a tough time imagining my family with 4 boys. Especially the teenage years. it will come with time I hope.

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I just want to put your mind at ease - I have a 16 year old and a 20 year old in addition to my two little boys and they were both very easy as teens. Helped around the house, polite, fun to hang out with - we really have a very nice time together and I wish I could show you guys how nice it can be to have grown (or nearly) adult sons because it's NOT what you imagine it to be at all.

Hi.
at this moment i'm pregnant with #4. This one wasn't planned. I already have 3 boys. I had to cope with a huge GD with #3. I can't stop thinking about #4 being a boy aswell. And it scares me. I'm over 17 weeks pregant now and just the idea of having 4 boys.......that was not the way I thought my life would be like! I'm in tears al day again, affraid of the results the ultasound is going to give me...What do I do?

Juffertje2 do you have your scan booked yet? Surely you must be close to knowing?

I think when you're a mess before you even know for sure it's worth finding out gender before birth; if you aren't even allowing yourself to hope for a girl at this point then IMO there's no reason to postpone the news. Might as well either be thrilled with the news, or sad for good reason.

Anyhow ... I do understand that this isn't what you saw for yourself. That's where I am as well; I thought I'd have all boys and am having DD3 ... not a single son. So I get it. It is HARD. I hope that you hear DD and don't have to worry about how to get over DS4 :bighug: Keep us posted.

Manhattan- I would have love to go HT. DH refused. He was completely against it.

Atomic- thanks for your input. I do worry about the future but that maybe because it is constant fighting, wrestling and temper tantrums right now.

Juffertje- I agree with begonia. I think you should have the tech write it down and put it in an envelope and you can look at it when your ready and tell people when you are ready. Maybe look at it before a time period where you don't have to go be with people and pretend to be happy. At least for me that was impossible. I can not fake it or act like I am happy when I am not. I wear my heart on my sleeve and so it would be obvious that I was feigning excitement. Hope you hear pink.