Need advice on when to announce...& minimize STUPID gender comments

I'm 16 weeks & haven't announced to our families that we're pregnant. They literally have no clue. The plan has always been to make it until the end of Jan (after I find out @ 18 weeks & then NOT announce the gender).

Then, today, I went to the dentist & had to tell them I was preggo. Of course, after finding out I have 3 boys, the FIRST question on the stupid nurse's lips were, "Are you hoping for a girl???" So, for the first time in my life, I answered it honestly. YES. What kind of question is that anyway??? :mad:

So, when & how should I announce to minimize gender comments within the family & friends:

1. 17 weeks + a "we're not talking about gender so everyone can focus on what's more important" statement = avoiding the topic & conversation the rest of the pregnancy

2. 18 weeks + "It's a boy!/girl!" announcement = no prior guessing + no post guessing

3. 19 weeks + "we don't know yet" when people ask = putting it off longer to get over boy #4 longer?

PS, I should say that I had to lie to my mom on the phone about a DUMB rumor my dad started & doesn't even believe. I wasn't about to announce to her on the phone, in passing, in response to a dumb rumor. Feeling guilty and have to see her this weekend...close to 17 weeks.

THANKS for ANY advice. I just don't want to have to deal with the gender comments more than I have to.

Well for me it would all depend how I felt once I knew. Almost everyone I know who has found out and been disappointed (myself included) has gone for option 3. So I tend to assume people who say that are getting the opposite of what they want esp if they already have several children of the same gender, I assume its another of the same gender. I think most first time parents go for option 2 and others are more inclined to announce it if they are getting the gender they hoped for.

I think whatever you do you are likely to get dumb comments. Even if you say you want a delivery room surprise and gender is of no importance whatsoever.

I am in awe of your ability to hide your pregnancy! I wish my abs would cooperate like that! I hope you get your girl.

i don't tell anyone until i know the gender either. then i can just say, "ok im pregnant again and yes its another girl pass the potatos please" but now im getting comments like. r u serious? why are you so stupid? why are you so selfish? why are your 5 healthy girls not good enough for you? you need some professional help? r u trying to be the next octomom? so far i haven't gotten 1 congrats. but hey if you family is supportive and will be happy for you then tell them, tell the world. some of us aren't that lucky.

i'm in the same boat only told my dh and mom now but told her not to say because my brothers have both tried for 3 years and nothing and i dont want it to be about me again this year but i'm going for the i'm pregnant and its a .....comment

With #5 I found out via amnio that she was a girl at 20 weeks. I had hid my pregnancy from 95% of people, even my own mother. I had boy and girl names ready and designed announcements for each. I handed them or posted them to everyone...announcing the expected arrival of Sumer Rayne....the 5th little girl to bless our family. Stopped so many comments and questions!!!

Hugs, AS.

First, whether it is boy #4 or even girl #1, you know you'll get comments. You know. I'm sure you got them with #3. I know I have. So ... I don't think HOW or WHEN you announce will minimize them. Girl #1 you'll get the comments like several moms here have, "oh, with all those brothers .." or "finally!" as though your precious boys are some sort of consolation prize on the quest for a girl. And of course if it's boy #4 you'll get comments too. It's just part of the deal at this point, KWIM?

I posted something similar a few months ago, about how to tell people gender when you have GD. It was hard not to be obviously disappointed and I hated that for my baby; she did nothing and this isn't HER fault. NBP said to go with something along the lines of "yes, we would have loved a boy, but we're thrilled to be a family of 5." And that's what I went with when people said something about too bad it isn't a boy, etc. Because it is/was true. I wanted another child. I desperately hoped it would be a boy; I wanted a boy every pregnancy and never got one. But even with GD I am truly happy to have my kids. So that's what I went with. The honest answer. As I'm sure you know it gets easier as the months pass, but those first weeks after the scan when everyone is asking and the reality of it is still so hard for you (IF, IF!!!! it is a boy) ... those are always hard.

FWIW being honest like you were with the dentist isn't a bad thing, IMO. Everyone has a preference no matter how slight, and anyone who judges you for that? Well they shouldn't have even asked, because by asking they acknowledge that OF COURSE there's a preference, so it's not like they don't get it. And really, they shouldn't ask PERIOD. But people do.

FX for you!

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Originally Posted by girlmom

i don't tell anyone until i know the gender either. then i can just say, "ok im pregnant again and yes its another girl pass the potatos please" but now im getting comments like. r u serious? why are you so stupid? why are you so selfish? why are your 5 healthy girls not good enough for you? you need some professional help? r u trying to be the next octomom? so far i haven't gotten 1 congrats. but hey if you family is supportive and will be happy for you then tell them, tell the world. some of us aren't that lucky.

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Well, CONGRATS! Another baby is a wonderful thing and it sucks that IRL you aren't hearing that. So what if you have 5 daughters and have a 6th?!?! Babies are grown-ups-in-waiting, and every single one of your girls is a precious part of your family and one day, will be a contribution to the community as well, whether they become moms or teachers or doctors or whatever they do ... they're here for MUCH more than just being "another girl." Don't let people bring your excitement down because this new baby IS special and worthy of congrats. I've read your story and I know you know that. :hug2:

I agree with some of the other posters that you'll get comments regardless of the tactic. I think you need to do what's best for YOU. If you know comments will really affect you, than wait and announce how and when you're ready...ya know?

We did a delivery room suprise (although I knew it was boy #3) to avoid comments...and it didn't help. With #4, I think I may find out and even keep it from DH and everyone else until birth.

Wishing you the best!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! We announced it to our boys tonight. (A big step for us since they're bound to let it slip at any given time.) Thankfully, we're not scheduled to see any of family soon.

I'm just torn. I'd really like it not to matter, but you're right: I'm going to get comments no matter what. I feel like it'd make it MORE of a deal "not" to announce because they'd be analyzing our s/he usage when we talk about the baby. They're also pretty savvy on knowing when I'm due & when the ultrasound gets done. I can't exactly hide a due date.

I'm also torn because I just wanted to announce to everyone & have it be done with. I always end up with these pockets of family who know. And then, if you count that their spouses know, then half the family knows anyway.

I feel really guilty about lying to my mom. But if anyone in my family deserves to know first, it's my little sister. So, looks like the ball is rolling. Going to tell my little sis tonight/tomorrow. Going to tell my mom Thursday & tell her to keep it hush. Then, going to announce it to the family after we know. May tell "sooner" if it's a girl than a boy.

Kinda scared for everyone's reactions. Opinions. Not to mention, their own private struggles. DH talked about someone we know being preggo in front of my SIL today. She's struggled for over a year with some serious fertility issues caused by her last delivery. He said she seemed really sad. It's not that I expect her to be happy...it just makes it awkward.

I think just being honest about your feelings is also an option. I don't see any shame in it at all and it is not weak to admit you desire the chance to raise the opposite gender. I can tell you from experience, even if you have a girl, the comments will never stop. They just won't bother you as much. I get comments everyday. I get asked the same questions everyday- were you trying for a boy, was it planned, you have 4 kids-OMG, I feel sorry for your DS, I feel sorry for your husband, I wouldn't want to be around your house for the teen years, does your husband own a farm that he can escape to, and I could go on.

So, an honest answer, the simple answer, is often the easiest to give and look them in the eye. There is nothing wrong with hoping for a particular gender and I just wanted to throw this option out because it seems like it is NEVER an option when this comes up on here and I don't understand that.

You may be thinking too much about what other people will think... who cares, it's your pregnancy, your baby, your family, your feelings. I agree with NBP, honesty will set you free, when and how much you want to tell is up to you.

I have always been honest with everyone that I was desperate for a boy but thrilled with my girls. I don't care what people think. Most people with one gender feel the same even if they don't admit it.

I feel like honesty is never an acceptable answer on this website or in-real-life because, no one IRL admits to having a desire. IRL people always respond with, "oh, as long as it's healthy." Or people with PP respond IRL, "why would you even care or be sad?" (Because, they never spent a day in their life hoping or being sad...point in case: my mom) Being honest about it opens me up for more criticism. Judgment. And now? I have boys who can hear my response---just because I desire a girl, doesn't make them any less important. It doesn't make them another boy on my way to a girl.

At the same time, I've resorted to being honest. I was honest about my disappointment with DS2 with MY family & they responded with criticism that I would or could even feel that way. I responded with honesty after DS3 was born in a very pointed blog about my desires, & they responded with silence, criticism that I'd lied that we were done, & were unable to see it my way.

Although, this is the first time I've been honest with the general public & it's kinda shut them up. Told a GUSHING BBG mom the other day (who was SO excited she "got her girl") that I'd always wanted a girl...after she asked. Shut her up. Told the stupid dentist nurse that I was hoping for a girl, & it ended the conversation. Told my OBGYN today that on some level I really wanted someone to even out the testosterone & to have that relationship...she stopped asking questions about it. So, maybe honesty is all the general public wants to hear.

Decided to announce pregnancy + gender in 2 weeks when I find out. I've done my best not to care what other people think about me this pregnancy, but it's been SO MUCH EASIER dealing with my GD since I haven't had to listen to the comments. So I don't care what they think...but it still affects me. Does that make sense?

Princess of Pink, you have it right: "Most people with one gender feel the same even if they don't admit it." Only recently did I realize this!

Applesoup, I hear you. Make sure to let us know when you find out what you're having! And I really think doing a two punch at the same time is good: "We're having a _________" lets people know you're preggers plus what it is, so they won't question you a dozen times.

It used to bother me when people assumed I wanted a girl after two boys and I used to try to justify that I'd love a 3rd boy just as much, but now I just roll with the punches. I work in a library with tons of college students in and out, and I have pix of my boys on my desk. They ask "you want a girl next?" and now I just say "yep" they smile and we all move on. I used to give a speech about how a boy would be fine too, becuase I was trying to CONVINCE myself that it'd be FINE!

I think you made the right choice applesoup! People can be so obnoxious! Can't wait to hear what you have and their reactions!

We're not going to find out next time...which KILLS me! But I don't want to tell anyone if we do find out and DH canNOT lie to save himself and would spill the beans. :(

Good luck! When's the big day?

I just found out on Thursday that my swayed for and dreamed of baby was DS4. I told no-one we were having the scan so we could work on our feelings before we told anyone. We decided to be honest and said it's another boy, questions came fast 'are you disappointed' I answered yep would've been nice to have a girl just once and people were nice. I had lots of comments like 'as long as it's healthy and well you won't have to buy anything. Everytime one of these comments were made I ended the conversation by walking away and talking to someone else. The people that make these comments whether they be family, friends or strangers pretent to be high and mighty about you should be happy to get what you get but most of the time they really do want us to get our desired gender.
Good luck with your bub fingers and toes crossed for you and I hope that you get to scream from the rooftops that you are getting the gender you desire rather than pondering the way the silly quesions and comments will make you feel as I am.

Muls, I'm so sorry to hear about your disappointment. Its true, even when we're honest, family/friends/general public want to "solve" our feelings right then and there. I don't know why they think "being happy for what we have" is the answer. OF COURSE I'm thankful for my children, it doesn't take away my desire and pain for a girl. I hope you can heal quickly & everyone can leave you alone about it!

Fivebabies, I just scheduled my 18 week appointment for...can't find my calendar! It's in 8 days. SO excited that I can find out early. SO excited that no one knows (although, I did tell my mom because she called me out on it). It's still on my terms & I really think just announcing "I'm pregnant & it's a __boy__" will put a stop to a lot of the questions.

Hopefully, instead of stupid gender comments, they'll wonder why I took so long to announce & if they had something to do with it!

Yay! I'll be checking back in to see what you find out so don't forget to update ASAP!!!!!!!! Fingers, toes and eyes crossed that you hear GIRL!

Thanks applesoup, I am disappointed that I won't get my girl naturally but I will get her (pgd will be happening) :).
Fingers crossed you don't have to worry about your annoucement as you will be screaming IT'S A GIRL - well that's my wish for you.
Have fun looking at your bub regardless :)

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Originally Posted by applesoup

I feel like honesty is never an acceptable answer on this website or in-real-life because, no one IRL admits to having a desire.

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You don't feel like it's OK to be honest here? Or am I misunderstanding? I'm not trying to disagree because how one person feels is entirely personal to them and neither right nor wrong, but personally I do feel like it's OK to be honest here. I've been brutally honest and have never felt less than supported, thank goodness ... I know the GD boards aren't always so kind.

I absolutely agree that it *feels* like being honest IRL isn't "ok" though it sounds like you've gotten over that lately, and I think that is great! I will say I've also been surprised at how many of my friends have been honest with me about their gender desire too. Most did get what they wanted though, at least with one of their pregnancies. My BFF sadly is like me and never got what she wanted, and while I hate that for her it is nice to have someone IRL understand. The worst though is when someone is like, "oh I know, I reeeeeally wanted a boy but thank goodness I got him!" OUCH, LOL! I mean, thanks for the empathy ... I guess?!? Generally people mean well I think.

Applesoup I'm really rooting for you and hope you get to come back here and post all over the place about this being your girl! FX! Only a week left, oh my goodness!

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Originally Posted by begonia

You don't feel like it's OK to be honest here? Or am I misunderstanding?

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Someone had mentioned in a prior comment that she didn't understand why people on this website don't view honesty as a solution to the problem. So, in response to that comment, I mentioned that honesty IRL isn't acceptable as a real solution to getting the gender comments to stop...because IRL no one admits or acknowledges gender desire.

So, yes, in some situations honesty seems to work...depending on the audience. However, I don't like it as a blanket solution to stopping gender comments...because it doesn't seem, realistic. Also, just my opinion!

Thanks, Begonia. I REALLY hope that I can come back on here in a week & say "FINALLY!! A GIRL!!!!!" Realistically, I've been down this road before. Statistically, it's another boy. Nothing changed much in my sway. I want it to be a girl...but somehow feel like things are too slanted AGAINST me & like it will never happen.

Trying not to think about it.

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Originally Posted by begonia

The worst though is when someone is like, "oh I know, I reeeeeally wanted a boy but thank goodness I got him!" OUCH, LOL! I mean, thanks for the empathy ... I guess?!?

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Why are some people so...mean? I mean, really, would you walk up to someone and say, "We reeeeeeally wanted to go to Hawaii instead of camping, I'm so glad we got to go on the trip of a lifetime!!" (If the other person just went camping.) Bad analogy? Maybe. My point: why do people feel like it's okay to point it out and rub it in that THEY too wanted a gender & that they're finally complete---when, on some level they have to know we feel the same way!

I hope you hear what you are wanting. I know how you feel with others asking. I went for the "don't find out" option, only to secretly go and find out so that no one would bug me in case it was ds4. In my case, I really didn't care either way when I was preg with ds3 but others' opinions really made me think I'm missing out not having a DD. I've posted on here before that I wanted to be a boy mom my whole life, and loved it. but when preg with ds3 every friend and stranger made a point to let me know how much I'm missing out. how boys leave their families when they grow up. How it's so nice to have a daughter to have something in common with...and it sucks to allow these comments ruin the pregnancy. It wasn't till DS3 that I began longing for a DD. I also think it's only natural when you have 2 or 3 + of the same gender most just naturally want the opposite. I agree with others' on here....Comments don't end though...now I get the "your poor dd will have a bunch of big brothers", "she's never gonna date", Or "she will need a sister" "are you gonna try for a sister?". We are done having kids. we wanted 4. if this was boy 4 we were still done. So now, I just laugh off the comments and even add a few myself to shut them up. Hope you Hear girl!!!!