Back after 12 weeks of severe GD... some questions...

Hi ladies,

I haven’t been able to come onto this site for around 3 months now. I swayed for my second child hoping for a girl and had an opposite. I took it much harder than I thought I would; after all of that effort, extreme exercise, diet (including a 2 day fast the week of ovulation) I ended up feeling so convinced the baby would be a girl. I used to look at the ‘results’ post and scroll down through all of those pink girl emojis and think surely I would be added to that list, not at the bottom with the blue ones..

I was so ashamed of my reaction. At first I thought I was ok, but I would wake at 3am feeling this powerful sense of loss; I felt I was grieving the daughter I had ‘carried’ with me my entire life. I was so sure I would meet her one day and as we’d only planned on having 2 kids (and I had severe pregnancy anxiety this time around even before we knew the sex) I felt this sense of intense grief and loss. I felt completely, entirely detached from my pregnancy and had outbursts where I said horrible things.

Now the hardest part is people’s reactions. When people find out it’s another boy they either just say ‘oh’ (and have nothing else to say) or ‘wow, two boys’ – or the other day, when I happily told a young girl it was our second son, without hesitation she said “so will you try again to get a girl?”. It made me want to cry and slap her all at once. I bravely said “I don’t know, probably not, I love the idea of two boys” which honestly I DO now, I have come to love the idea of my son, the love of my life, having a best friend for life, and have heard a lot of parents of pigeon pairs saying their kids kind of grow up in lonely childhoods because they’re both into completely different things and can’t relate to each other as much as a same-sex sibling. We live on a big property (40 acres) and I have always imagined my perfect, beautiful baby boy dashing about the place with his brother, his best friend, his closest ally. I love the idea of having two boys who love their Mum unconditionally (because let’s be honest girls can be cruel to their mothers, or at least my sister and I have been as our Mum says the most insensitive things). But I still can’t help but feel as if it would all just be ‘easier’ and all the questions would be answered, in a way, if we had one of each.

A lot of it for me comes down to my family and the way I was raised. My mum is very pro-girl, always was very vocal about how she thinks girls are the best and she would say she felt sorry for people who had two boys (insensitive much?!). My grandmother had 3 boys and was so disappointed when her third arrived that she rejected him completely, put him into full time care with a nanny and spat “there’s my girl” when a friend visited. He grew up to have major issues and never recovered from being an unwanted boy.

My Mum absolutely adores my son and calls him ‘her boy’, talks about how she’s never seen a more beautiful baby etc, but still comes out with all of these disparaging comments about him not looking after me when I’m old etc or talks disappointedly about my ‘two boys’. I’ve seen a psychologist who has been VERY good and says that GD is extremely common. We’re working through the family issues that I mention here. But I don’t want to be exposed to a lifetime of rude and hurtful comments from people – I’m wondering how I can possibly grow a thicker skin? Especially around my extremely insensitive mother.

Just yesterday I had my hair cut and the hairdresser asked if I was having a boy or a girl. I told her a boy and they were happy for me, and then some stupid old grandma next to me started bragging about how she had 2 girls and every time one came out she was SO GLAD it was another girl. I wanted to say the nastiest things to her but bit my tongue as we all do.

I’ve told my Mum that I feel sorry for her that she never had a son. She replied ‘Yes, well maybe if I did he would have loved me’.

Anyway, as I adapt to my new idea of life as a Mum of two beautiful loving boys (my first born is the most beautiful, loving, smart, affectionate little lamb I could ever have dreamed of and most people mistake him for a girl because he is so ridiculously beautiful), I want to thank the ladies here and this forum for existing, because it represents a place that we can come to and speak to other people who know exactly what it’s like.

My DH felt so bad for me that we didn’t get the daughter we’d dreamed of that he says he’s open to a third (but in all honesty I think he’d rather not). I worry that 3 would spread me too thin, that I wouldn’t have enough dedicated time with each child to be a great Mum to all 3 of them – BUT at the same time when we got married the priest asked me how many kids I wanted and I said “2, maybe 3” because coming from a 2 girl household I always felt it was a bit too intense, a bit too comparative and my sister has suffered a lot from competitiveness etc, which made our relationship suffer. I’ve always thought that perhaps 3 would offer a different, more diluted dynamic between siblings.

When we found out our first was a boy I was over the moon – “I’d much rather 2 boys than 2 girls” I told everyone, which is entirely true, knowing how my dad suffered with the oestrogen in our household, but I also somehow assumed we’d have a girl second to gender balance the family.

So my questions for the lovely ladies out there are:

1. Mums of 3 kids; do you feel you’re ‘spread too thin’ and did your third push you over the edge? If we had a 3rd it would be when DS2 is 4 or 5.
2. Have any Australians on this site travelled to Thailand or the US for IVF gender selection? We would only go for a 3rd if we went HT because I can’t handle another round of GD, or putting that disappointment onto a child. We would prefer Thailand as I think the us costs upward of $50,000?! Thailand I’ve heard is more like $15,000, but I’d love to hear of others who have done it successfully so that I can have that as a future plan should these feelings persist.

Sorry for my long post, I’ve just been on such a journey, as you all have, and have been in such a dark, desperate place.

With love

Cookies xx

Hiya, read your post - peoples comment can be very hurtful especially when you’re personally in a dark place but most people dont think about what their saying or what it could mean to the receiver.
I hope u get your girl but two of the same gender is lovely too.
My boys are 4 and 3 and yes they fight but its also lovely to see them play together with similar things.
My girl is 6 months and id say ive only had one major bad day trying to handle all 3. The boys adore their lil sis and help out by entertaining her, help, giving her a bath, getting her belongings etc so what im trying to say is if u had a third im sure ud be fine. When baby is tiny ul manage to spend time with your boys when baby is asleep, as baby grows you’ll spend time with baby when boys are at school etc and ul br able to start playing with all 3 together. I do feel a routine ideal to u will fall into place.
I know when im stressing the kids end up playing up more and testing me more but moment i remind myself to chill the days go by much more swiftly.
Good luck with what u end up deciding. Xx


I dont wanna make it sounds its overly simple as im sure any mum of 1 or more children know, kids need time and alot of strength to raise, times can be extremely tough but i believe the rewards are worth it so im only speaking from my experience and feelings/thoughts and views x

Thank you so much @Prayingforagirl. May I ask how you conceived your daughter, did you do a pink sway? Heading from other Mums of 3 makes me feel like I could do it; I'd always been on the fence about 2 or 3 as I came from a family of just 2 girls and always felt like it was a bit too small, another sibling would have changed the dynamic.

If we do go for a 3rd I'll only go down the HT route because I do feel that some couples are much more likely to have one sex over the other (I know a Mum who has 5 girls and another who has 5 boys, I don't think that's pure coincidence). And I can't face the idea of severe GD again.

I agree with you that two of the same gender is super special. The pain of the 'loss' of a daughter is being replaced with excitement at my cute little matching pair, inseparable through life. My DH always wishes he'd had a brother and I the same. DH said to me the other day that if we had one if each we'd probably agonise over the decision to have a third; whereas this way the decision may very well be much easier for us when the time comes, if that makes sense.

You're SO lucky that HT is legal in the states!!! Even if it costs an arm and a leg (seems to cost ten times the price if you're doing it from Aus). I'm amazed that this board / forum doesn't seem to have anyone from Australia who has travelled overseas for gender selection... I've googled it but can't find anything - just one clinic in Thailand that does it a lot cheaper than the US (and much closer / cheaper to fly there too) but I just worry about the quality of service there compared to the US.

@Prayingforagirl thank you again for your supportive words, it's good to know that 3 isn't impossible, and you've got a nice age gap between your boys and your girl too. xxx

I did a very light sway for my girl, im thankful for God and all of Atomics help. With everything ive learnt of genderdreaming i do think if we tweak things we have everychance of a different gender to those to have the same gender. I had very much boy habits when i got my boys and by tweaking slightly i got my girl - i know im very lucky. I know nothing is 100% so in my eyes its worth a shot but u have to be in mindset for the opposite. Knowing that you experienced severe GF then HT may well be the best option for u. I went team green and thought boy pretty much all 9 months, even after birth i was callin her ‘he’.

I had sisters and brother so think both are important, although at times think having a sister is more so cos in my world sisters are close n boys do their own thing
Im hoping to sway for a 4th ( hoping i can bless my girl with a sister). I would go on to having more (call me crazy) but my husband doesnt agree and i would be more than happy with 2 boys and 2 girls.
Sorry i dont know much about clinics (im in the UK but dont know of anyone whos gone through this at all or in detail)
I believe each child brings their own happiness and Agree with u 2 is on the small side
Both boys are in nursery/school so id be lost without my girl (ive always wanted a big family) ny husband always tries to convince me im done at every opportunity but i aint backing down!

My girl gets my 1-2-1 time once boys go off for couple ours to nursery and then its all of us togther for the remainder of the day. She’s still small yet, naps a few times during day so i find that time to play with the boys and take them out etc.

I know it’s hard to decide on the third. I wish you peace making that decision. It’s very personal.

Re this
“coming from a 2 girl household I always felt it was a bit too intense, a bit too comparative and my sister has suffered a lot from competitiveness etc, which made our relationship suffer. I’ve always thought that perhaps 3 would offer a different, more diluted dynamic between siblings”

My sister was and is extremely competitive with just me and we have other siblings. We have no relationship because she is never happy for me but wants what I have. It is toxic. So have extra kids doesn’t guarantee two of them won’t hurt heads. My cousin and her brother do not get along and there are three kids there. You just can’t predict these things. What I can say is I have never met a mother with many kids who says I wish I hadn’t had so and so. Maybe there are moms like that but you sound very loving and I think if you decide to go for it, yes it will spread you thin in some ways but also bring you joy in other ways. Such is life, right? Always ups and downs!

I agree @Dreamofdaughter - I don’t think kore siblings guarantees that they will be close (probably the opposite really) but at least if there is more than just one other sibling then each child has a chance to have a positive / easier relationship with their second sibling, the third child. When there’s just two if impacts you so severely if the two of you aren’t getting along / have an argument, whereas if there’s three then you’ve always got ‘the other one’, so it would seem less intense. You don’t have all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. If you and your sister aren’t close at least you have other siblings to have different sibling relationships with...

But that’s just one take on it! You can definitely spin it any which way hey, I think when the time comes I will know in my gut (or I hope so anyway) whether a third is a good idea. We’ll see how we’re all feeling in a couple of years. I do like the idea of giving my sons a sister too, I think it’s a lovely thing for boys and girls to grow up together; all of the men I know who have sisters are really sensitive to the unique needs of women because they grew up with them and understand them.

@Praying4agirl this is wonderful, I’m so glad you got the outcome you were after.. and I love hearing from Mums who say that 3 isn’t too difficult - it sounds like you’re managing beautifully!! My dear friend just had her third baby yesterday and she’s got 3 under 4 and is just rolling with it (a girl and two boys), taking it all in her stride, she wants 4 kids too and I so admire that, the love and embracing of a larger family. Makes me kind of sad that more than 2 kids is not as common these days, the magic of those larger families is almost dying out in a way - not that long ago large families were the norm and now we’re all expected to do paid work and raise children so it becomes so much harder.

I agree that growing up with boys and girls is a gift - all of the men I know who have sisters are really sensitive and fantastic partners because they have that close understanding of women. My DH has two sisters and he’s such a sensitive, understanding man.

If we did go for a third my elder two would be in school and kindy so I think that would make it infinitely easier but we’ll see how we feel in a couple of years. I might feel completely fulfilled or be ready for another little person in our family. I’ve always loooooved babies and children, and always said I feel I won’t feel “done” after 2, so we shall see :) thank you for your positive and encouraging words xx

I totally agree having three can also be a chance for a connection with another sibling of two don’t get along. For the record I am pro big families lol. After all, I really want a third I just am not sure it’s in the cards now. But my opinion is if On the fence just go for it! Life is too short for regrets and having more kids is not something you can put off for later (for the most part). I hope that makes sense. I just mean. Sure you’ll be busier but when you’re old then you get lots of free time! so I see having a house full of kids as a joy and blessing. Just my personal opinion.

I just wanted to add to the mom’s reading this who might despair because their sons don’t have a sister. Please do not worry. Often times, male sensitivity comes from a mother not because of a sister. My DH is not fond of his sister they don’t talk much at all but loves his mom and is very sensitive with me and about “girl” issues etc. And an ex bf of mine has sisters he is very close with but was quite cruel to me so it isn’t a guarantee.

My eldest asks me about female things periods, giving birth (wants to know what it is like) etc. I know he will be sensitive to his wife because he is so kind to me and he isn’t grossed out by anything when I explain.

Sorry to OP I don’t mean to hijack your thread. 😊 I hope you forgive me for my ramble. 😊

Don't apologise at all! I totally, wholeheartedly agree; men who are close with their mothers have an amazing understanding of women, the same kind of understanding I think they can get from having sisters. My DH isn't close with his sisters at all TBH, and his sensitivity probably has more to do with his respect for his mother than anything else - he adores her. I also dated a man who was 1 of 2 brothers and they were very close with their mother who is Thai. They didn't care much at all for their dad (he walked out on them) but would move mountains for their beloved Mama.

Can I ask how old your two boys are @Dreamofdaughter? I LOVE that they talk to you about periods, women's issues etc, I know my son will be like that too, he's such a beautiful sensitive soul.

Also does anyone know if Atomic is away at the moment? I've sent her a number of PMs but haven't heard back - basically wondering if I should pay for another membership if there is info for Australians accessing international gender selection IVF or not (if nobody has done it and posted about it on the boards I won't fork out the cash).

I hope you get that little pink bundle @Dreamofdaughter. Lord knows you've earned it and it can be so hard watching people march around with multiple girls when they don't even have to try. And I agree with you; I think even if this baby was a pink one I get the feeling I wouldn't feel 'done' with 2. I turned 33 the week we conceived this baby, so I have some time but not decades - if we TTC again I'd ideally like to do it when our littlest is 3, so there'd be a 4 year age gap between the youngest boy and the next baby. That would mean TTC at 36/37; Atomic mentioned gender selection IVF is best done before 38 so I wanted to check with her timings etc too.

First off I'm so sorry you're getting hurtful comments like that, both from family and strangers. I remember all too well the comments I got from random people when we were expecting DS3. It really amplifies the GD especially when you've swayed. While having 2 kids is fairly easy, I didn't find adding a third to be too much. Really by that point you're used to dividing your attention and the third gets thrown in there somewhere with all the busy activity. It was a little hard at first when DS3 was a baby (but it was that way too when DS2 was little) but now my youngest son is 2.5 years old and my oldest two are 7 and 5 so they can help out. We definitely want a fourth as well. If you can do IVF for your third, then by all means do it. I wanted a girl for our second, got a boy and was OK then swayed pink for our third after chickening out of HT and had another boy. Now we're doing HT for sure for baby #4.

I've found it's true what Atomic says about boys needing to come in pairs. My oldest two are like two peas in a pod and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Best of luck to you! :)

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Originally Posted by ksmom

First off I'm so sorry you're getting hurtful comments like that, both from family and strangers. I remember all too well the comments I got from random people when we were expecting DS3. It really amplifies the GD especially when you've swayed. While having 2 kids is fairly easy, I didn't find adding a third to be too much. Really by that point you're used to dividing your attention and the third gets thrown in there somewhere with all the busy activity. It was a little hard at first when DS3 was a baby (but it was that way too when DS2 was little) but now my youngest son is 2.5 years old and my oldest two are 7 and 5 so they can help out. We definitely want a fourth as well. If you can do IVF for your third, then by all means do it. I wanted a girl for our second, got a boy and was OK then swayed pink for our third after chickening out of HT and had another boy. Now we're doing HT for sure for baby #4.

I've found it's true what Atomic says about boys needing to come in pairs. My oldest two are like two peas in a pod and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Best of luck to you! :)

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Thank you so much @ksmom!! That's so exciting that you're doing HT for #4!! And I agree, I mean I haven't even had this baby yet but I am genuinely so excited now for my son to have a baby brother - I'm thinking long-term, life-long, I imagine they will be close as anything, or I hope so at least. There is such a difference in the experience of boys / men and girls / women growing up and then entering this adult world, I'm so glad he will have a best friend and confidant for life. And that is fantastic to hear that adding #3 wasn't too crazy difficult; as you say it's all a matter of perspective. So wonderful that your elder two help with the youngest. My son turned 2 recently and I am so enjoying this age, he is such an easy child to be around and needs so little from us now compared with the tiny infant stage. You put in the hard yards in those first couple of years and then you have an amazing little person to spend the rest of your life with. Pretty great deal in my opinion ;)

How far are you along the HT journey? I admit it sounds a little bit scary too, but I think I'd be a lot less daunted if it didn't mean having to travel to a foreign country for medical treatment (and potentially back again if it doesn't work first go). But that's the route we'll go down if we go for a third because I don't want to put GD on a third son or go through it again myself, both for my sake and my husband's. Have you told anyone you're going for HT? I'm guessing we;'d have to travel to Thailand or the USA with our two boys if we went through with it, and would probably keep it to ourselves, so that might be challenging! :) but that's all some years away, I keep reminding myself 'one step at a time'.

I agree, those comments are awful when you have your own feelings about it and especially when you've swayed. I had one girl come right out and say "so will you go again and try for a girl" and I wanted to say to her there's no such thing as 'trying for a girl' - if there was then everyone would have the precise family makeup they planned on! I am so extremely grateful for my second beautiful baby boy and can't wait to see the two of them together, but people's comments do hurt and I'm a sensitive soul to start with :)