Mothers Sadness and Stress During Pregnancy and the affect on Baby

We have been having a rough year or two and in recent months stress levels have gone through the roof. With looming business debt repayments hanging over us coupled with legal family cases that have really affected our day to day routine, I find myself breaking down and crying a lot. I’m not coping well with several things and pregnancy hormones don’t help. I was just wondering, is it true what they say how babies are affected by sad and stressed mothers. I do find myself having very negative thoughts about the pregnancy itself at times thinking why did I do this to myself? And then feel awful for feeling that way. But I’ve been reading that baby’s immune system is severely compromised by mothers stress as well as making them colicky and maybe even born premature. Anyone can shed any personal experience on this? I know with my second son I wasn’t so happy about being pregnant and somewhat resented it and he is definitely the more tempered of my boys. So it does make me wonder and also makes me worry too.


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I am so sorry you are sad. I fixed this post so it will show up now. Hoping others chime in to help you. Big hugs.

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Originally Posted by nuthinbutpink

I am so sorry you are sad. I fixed this post so it will show up now. Hoping others chime in to help you. Big hugs.

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Thank you! X


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We have ALL had pregnancies in which we had upset and sad emotions. That is totally normal - think about all the terrible things some people have to go to when they're pregnant! I was upset all the time with my 2nd boy because I was exposed to toxoplasmosis (and at first they thought I could have rabies!!) and he was much more mellow than my first. I think their personalities are just set in stone and aren't really affected by stuff like that. He was also not at all premature, LOL.

I happened to come on for the first time in awhile and saw your post, so this must be kismet.

With my pregnancies that made it to full term, I had extreme antepartum depression. With my first, I found out gender and was miserable as I have extreme GD. Literally wanted to abort her and was pressured out of it by my DH. On top of that, we moved, DH got a new job, and I went through my hardest year of therapy yet as I dealt with my childhood sexual abuse for the first time.

DD1 was a super happy baby and continues to be a happy kid, even when she's behaving like a three year old monster because she didn't get ice cream when she wanted. She's also verrrry attached to me: all despite every second of my pregnancy with her being filled with me not wanting her and just wanting to get my son.

With my pregnancy with DD2, I didn't find out gender, and I had arguably worse antepartum depression: this time, I was pregnant after 8 miscarriages and two rounds of IVF that didn't give us healthy boys, my relationship with my husband had pretty much crumbled, my beloved dog died when I was 7 months pregnant, it was winter (and I always get Seasonal Affective Disorder) and I had debilitating back pain.

DD2 is even happier than DD1. She's 7 months and I can probably count the times she's cried on two hands, and those were because she pooped or DD1 dropped a toy on her head! She is extremely mellow, happy, smiley with everyone, etc.

Both my living kids are very independent as well with excellent immune systems (though I've nursed both exclusively, DD1 for 16 months and DD2 7+ months now). DD1 was very light birthweight wise, but probably because I was still working out a ton with her. Neither was colicky. And DD2 was nearly TWO WEEKS late -- even my midwives suspected it was how depressed I was keeping me from going into labor fully (so definitely no prematurity there).

I hope this post helps. I read all those studies on maternal stress and sadness too and stressed further about what I was doing to my kids. They are SO the opposite of what those studies found that I've wondered if I'd get a difficult, colicky son after finally getting a boy and being happy!

You need to just take care of you. Pregnancy does not eradicate your personhood. If you are depressed, get help for you ♡ And try not to stress about anything else. I know how hard it is. I do. Feel free to PM me.

i became really ill due to stress during my 5th pregnancy, im not a stress-head type person but when something happens to me that causes me stress/anxiety i get a bad stomach so i dont handle stress well physically and during that pregnancy i was under the most stress i've ever experienced and i was powerless to stop it. It caused my "bad stomach" to turn into me passing large amounts of blood multiple times a day (sorry for tmi) doctor could find no reason other than the extreme stress.
despite all this baby was born at 40 weeks weighing 7lbs, perfectly healthy, very alert but chilled and continues to be perfectly happy and healthy now 5 years later.

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Originally Posted by nuthinbutpink

I am so sorry you are sad. I fixed this post so it will show up now. Hoping others chime in to help you. Big hugs.

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Thank you [emoji3531]


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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

We have ALL had pregnancies in which we had upset and sad emotions. That is totally normal - think about all the terrible things some people have to go to when they're pregnant! I was upset all the time with my 2nd boy because I was exposed to toxoplasmosis (and at first they thought I could have rabies!!) and he was much more mellow than my first. I think their personalities are just set in stone and aren't really affected by stuff like that. He was also not at all premature, LOL.

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That’s reassuring to hear. Although I’m sorry to hear about what you went through Glad he is okay x x x I just can’t shake off the sad feelings. It’s self loathing and resentment but I don’t know towards who? Myself I guess? It’s so horrible. My head is just not in the right place. Mostly I feel unworthy and undeserving of good things in general and now very demotivated on a much bigger level. Maybe since I’m turning 40 it’s just part of a midlife crisis? Haha


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Originally Posted by Throwaway_panther

I happened to come on for the first time in awhile and saw your post, so this must be kismet.

With my pregnancies that made it to full term, I had extreme antepartum depression. With my first, I found out gender and was miserable as I have extreme GD. Literally wanted to abort her and was pressured out of it by my DH. On top of that, we moved, DH got a new job, and I went through my hardest year of therapy yet as I dealt with my childhood sexual abuse for the first time.

DD1 was a super happy baby and continues to be a happy kid, even when she's behaving like a three year old monster because she didn't get ice cream when she wanted. She's also verrrry attached to me: all despite every second of my pregnancy with her being filled with me not wanting her and just wanting to get my son.

With my pregnancy with DD2, I didn't find out gender, and I had arguably worse antepartum depression: this time, I was pregnant after 8 miscarriages and two rounds of IVF that didn't give us healthy boys, my relationship with my husband had pretty much crumbled, my beloved dog died when I was 7 months pregnant, it was winter (and I always get Seasonal Affective Disorder) and I had debilitating back pain.

DD2 is even happier than DD1. She's 7 months and I can probably count the times she's cried on two hands, and those were because she pooped or DD1 dropped a toy on her head! She is extremely mellow, happy, smiley with everyone, etc.

Both my living kids are very independent as well with excellent immune systems (though I've nursed both exclusively, DD1 for 16 months and DD2 7+ months now). DD1 was very light birthweight wise, but probably because I was still working out a ton with her. Neither was colicky. And DD2 was nearly TWO WEEKS late -- even my midwives suspected it was how depressed I was keeping me from going into labor fully (so definitely no prematurity there).

I hope this post helps. I read all those studies on maternal stress and sadness too and stressed further about what I was doing to my kids. They are SO the opposite of what those studies found that I've wondered if I'd get a difficult, colicky son after finally getting a boy and being happy!

You need to just take care of you. Pregnancy does not eradicate your personhood. If you are depressed, get help for you ♡ And try not to stress about anything else. I know how hard it is. I do. Feel free to PM me.

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Wow!!! Gosh I’m sorry to hear this. I’m wondering why you had such bad GD with two girls? I’m sure you have noticed that most of the women swaying on here are desperate for little girls. Including me!! [emoji23] but whatever your reasons I understand they must be valid. It’s good to hear that babies are not too affected by the mothers sadness. Cos that’s just even more of a reason to make us feel guilty. Maybe it’s true we most likely get the opposite of what we want in life [emoji3531]


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Originally Posted by 4blue2pink

i became really ill due to stress during my 5th pregnancy, im not a stress-head type person but when something happens to me that causes me stress/anxiety i get a bad stomach so i dont handle stress well physically and during that pregnancy i was under the most stress i've ever experienced and i was powerless to stop it. It caused my "bad stomach" to turn into me passing large amounts of blood multiple times a day (sorry for tmi) doctor could find no reason other than the extreme stress.
despite all this baby was born at 40 weeks weighing 7lbs, perfectly healthy, very alert but chilled and continues to be perfectly happy and healthy now 5 years later.

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Sorry to hear it x I have a similar reaction to stress with bad stomach so I do understand. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad you got a chilled babe. I was at the courts crying my eyes out over our case and a random woman came up to me and gave me tissues (very sweet) but then warned me not to cry if pregnant cos it results in a very difficult baby. So of course that had got me thinking and worrying x x x


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Originally Posted by princessreader

That’s reassuring to hear. Although I’m sorry to hear about what you went through Glad he is okay x x x I just can’t shake off the sad feelings. It’s self loathing and resentment but I don’t know towards who? Myself I guess? It’s so horrible. My head is just not in the right place. Mostly I feel unworthy and undeserving of good things in general and now very demotivated on a much bigger level. Maybe since I’m turning 40 it’s just part of a midlife crisis? Haha


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When I found out my 3rd boy was a boy I felt like the biggest nincompoop in the universe. I felt like such an idiot, I mean my older boys were nearly grown up, and I had taken a chance on getting a girl (even though I didn't even have a preference when I got pregnant!) and then I had to raise a baby for another 18 years after that! I kept thinking "but my uterus was only a few days from retirement!" LOL. Babies are a lot of work and even under ideal circumstances when we're pregnant we are often plagued by those feelings of OMGosh what have I done and then when we have GD it all gets tangled up together.

I know it's hard to see when you're in it but some day this will make sense to you. My 4th boy is my child who's the most like me, he's bright and amazing and wonderful and I think sometimes "wow if I'd had my way I wouldn't have him at all" and it's terrifying!! It's just that it's hard to have those squooshy feelings about a theoretical person, you need to meet the real one.

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Originally Posted by princessreader

Wow!!! Gosh I’m sorry to hear this. I’m wondering why you had such bad GD with two girls? I’m sure you have noticed that most of the women swaying on here are desperate for little girls. Including me!! [emoji23] but whatever your reasons I understand they must be valid. It’s good to hear that babies are not too affected by the mothers sadness. Cos that’s just even more of a reason to make us feel guilty. Maybe it’s true we most likely get the opposite of what we want in life [emoji3531]


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There are a lot of us on here who had strong desire for boys. The woman who founded the site wanted a boy, I desperately wanted a boy with my first and I'm quite sure would have had terrible GD if I never had a boy. I was just lucky enough that I got my boy first or I would have still been here swaying for blue! :)

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

When I found out my 3rd boy was a boy I felt like the biggest nincompoop in the universe. I felt like such an idiot, I mean my older boys were nearly grown up, and I had taken a chance on getting a girl (even though I didn't even have a preference when I got pregnant!) and then I had to raise a baby for another 18 years after that! I kept thinking "but my uterus was only a few days from retirement!" LOL. Babies are a lot of work and even under ideal circumstances when we're pregnant we are often plagued by those feelings of OMGosh what have I done and then when we have GD it all gets tangled up together.

I know it's hard to see when you're in it but some day this will make sense to you. My 4th boy is my child who's the most like me, he's bright and amazing and wonderful and I think sometimes "wow if I'd had my way I wouldn't have him at all" and it's terrifying!! It's just that it's hard to have those squooshy feelings about a theoretical person, you need to meet the real one.

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When I opened your message, I was right in the middle of sobbing my eyes out. I have some handy men here in the house who basically messed up on something and I lost the plot and burst into tears sobbing but also crying about everything I could possibly cry about in my life. I opened your message and it came at the right time because it reflected how I was actually feeling at the time. Like a failure. Why do we feel this way? It’s awful. I’m literally not going out because I can’t bear the “another boy?!!” Comments from strangers like “oh poor you, how unlucky “ etc etc..... I’m hiding away from the judgement of others . I never ever felt this way with my third boy. I may have had GD for two days that I quickly shook off but this time I am tormented by my own feelings about this. Maybe I’m projecting my own feelings about it? I probably feel worse because I went out of my way for a girl this time and even got a positive female gender test via urine before learning it was a boy. What goes up must come down I guess and I came down hard [emoji174] I did feel like my third boy was just such a blessing I am so close to him and can’t even imagine anyone taking his baby space. Which is probably another reason why I fee so emotional too. God so many feelings catastrophic really. I do wonder why I put myself through it. I hate the fact that I feel so much shame all the time. As if I walk around with a big sign over my head that says “mother of 4 boys! Look at her!” I have always been so good at organizing my life too. Planning and sticking to my plans and finishing what I start. But with this I’ve just made a mess and I have zero control over it. It’s new territory for me! Feeling so out of control.....


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so sorry you feel so down princessreader, the stupid comments people make are unbelieveable aren't they!! i once had a lady (total stranger) approach me in the supermarket when i had 4 boys to ask "did you not want a girl?" i'll admit i wasnt nice about it and told her "we had a girl but she died" (our 2nd baby DD1 was lost mid pregnancy) i probably shouldnt have said that..but it did shut her up!!
i promise you these people make equally cruel and stupid comments towards mums of all girls. "oh your poor husband you need to give him a boy!" "all girls..good luck when the teenage years hit" "your house must be nothing but drama" etc etc.. i think they do it to make themselves feel better somehow.
i had 4 boys in a row, then 2 girls and then my 5th son was born after the girls and everyone acted like id ruined my family by having another boy, ive just had my 6th son and this time it seems more accepted because he "pairs up" with DS5, if id had a girl no doubt it'd be "oh poor DS5 surrounded by girls." i still get constant comments on having a large family and my 2 girls being outnumbered though.
People will find things to say no matter what, they would still comment if you had a girl, when we had DD2 after the 4 boys it was all "how is she going to fit in in this house of boys?!" "poor girl outnumbered by all those boys" "you've got to give her a sister" etc you arent having your family to please others so pay no attention to what they might think/say :heart:

But you know what though?? The thing is that families with all boys (or all girls too!) as they grow up, they become kind of legendary. In the school/neighborhood/town it's always "the Johnson boys" or whatever - all the girls want to date them. NO ONE feels sorry for you once you're past the very most baby stage. They start admiring you and even being jealous because your family is unique and interesting and theirs is boring, LOL. I think you're right that you are projecting what people are thinking about. No one cares, really. I never had a speck of gender disappointment/desire as I raised my first two boys and I did not care one iota about the gender makeup of anyone's family. I knew some people with all girls and some of all boys and I really didn't give it any burning thought at all. Even in a family where it was obvious they'd been going for a boy and gotten 6 girls - no one cared! They were just "the Landers girls" and everyone thought their family was interesting. It is just a lot less big a deal to other people than it is in our heads.

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Originally Posted by 4blue2pink

so sorry you feel so down princessreader, the stupid comments people make are unbelieveable aren't they!! i once had a lady (total stranger) approach me in the supermarket when i had 4 boys to ask "did you not want a girl?" i'll admit i wasnt nice about it and told her "we had a girl but she died" (our 2nd baby DD1 was lost mid pregnancy) i probably shouldnt have said that..but it did shut her up!!
i promise you these people make equally cruel and stupid comments towards mums of all girls. "oh your poor husband you need to give him a boy!" "all girls..good luck when the teenage years hit" "your house must be nothing but drama" etc etc.. i think they do it to make themselves feel better somehow.
i had 4 boys in a row, then 2 girls and then my 5th son was born after the girls and everyone acted like id ruined my family by having another boy, ive just had my 6th son and this time it seems more accepted because he "pairs up" with DS5, if id had a girl no doubt it'd be "oh poor DS5 surrounded by girls." i still get constant comments on having a large family and my 2 girls being outnumbered though.
People will find things to say no matter what, they would still comment if you had a girl, when we had DD2 after the 4 boys it was all "how is she going to fit in in this house of boys?!" "poor girl outnumbered by all those boys" "you've got to give her a sister" etc you arent having your family to please others so pay no attention to what they might think/say :heart:

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:agree: YES! A couple people came up to me after I had my daughter and said, right into her face, "WOW four brothers, I feel sorry for YOU!" (she of course was too small to understand, but the boys weren't!) Some people are just jerks who always want to rain on others' parade, and the best revenge is not letting them get under your skin.

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

:agree: YES! A couple people came up to me after I had my daughter and said, right into her face, "WOW four brothers, I feel sorry for YOU!" (she of course was too small to understand, but the boys weren't!) Some people are just jerks who always want to rain on others' parade, and the best revenge is not letting them get under your skin.

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thats exactly the kind of comments we got, oh poor her with all those brothers.. but i guarantee if i'd had another boy it would of been all negative comments about that. Even now with 2 girls 6 boys its still "the poor girls are so outnumbered" "you need to have more girls" "your mum needs to give you more sisters"
your so right about not letting them get under your skin, i finally stopped caring what others think a while ago and have been much happier since :) they can only bother you if you allow it.

dont they say that haters are just confused admirers anyway ;)

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

But you know what though?? The thing is that families with all boys (or all girls too!) as they grow up, they become kind of legendary. In the school/neighborhood/town it's always "the Johnson boys" or whatever - all the girls want to date them. NO ONE feels sorry for you once you're past the very most baby stage. They start admiring you and even being jealous because your family is unique and interesting and theirs is boring, LOL. I think you're right that you are projecting what people are thinking about. No one cares, really. I never had a speck of gender disappointment/desire as I raised my first two boys and I did not care one iota about the gender makeup of anyone's family. I knew some people with all girls and some of all boys and I really didn't give it any burning thought at all. Even in a family where it was obvious they'd been going for a boy and gotten 6 girls - no one cared! They were just "the Landers girls" and everyone thought their family was interesting. It is just a lot less big a deal to other people than it is in our heads.

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I do love what you are saying. And it’s very true. I look at larger families when they are grown up and do admire their dynamic. I feel like those households are so much more fun than “a boy and a girl” and high seems ideal for when they are tiny. I also never cared when I had two boys. Even my third I was fine with. For some reason this one has creates so much distress and I hate that. I know I’m turning 40 and many people will also have an opinion about my age if I try to go for another one (or two) and that also bothers me. Yes I’m older but women do it. I really need to grow thicker skin don’t I. Guess what ladies, thanks to all of your wonderful words I think I am [emoji3531][emoji3531][emoji3531][emoji120]


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Originally Posted by 4blue2pink

so sorry you feel so down princessreader, the stupid comments people make are unbelieveable aren't they!! i once had a lady (total stranger) approach me in the supermarket when i had 4 boys to ask "did you not want a girl?" i'll admit i wasnt nice about it and told her "we had a girl but she died" (our 2nd baby DD1 was lost mid pregnancy) i probably shouldnt have said that..but it did shut her up!!
i promise you these people make equally cruel and stupid comments towards mums of all girls. "oh your poor husband you need to give him a boy!" "all girls..good luck when the teenage years hit" "your house must be nothing but drama" etc etc.. i think they do it to make themselves feel better somehow.
i had 4 boys in a row, then 2 girls and then my 5th son was born after the girls and everyone acted like id ruined my family by having another boy, ive just had my 6th son and this time it seems more accepted because he "pairs up" with DS5, if id had a girl no doubt it'd be "oh poor DS5 surrounded by girls." i still get constant comments on having a large family and my 2 girls being outnumbered though.
People will find things to say no matter what, they would still comment if you had a girl, when we had DD2 after the 4 boys it was all "how is she going to fit in in this house of boys?!" "poor girl outnumbered by all those boys" "you've got to give her a sister" etc you arent having your family to please others so pay no attention to what they might think/say :heart:

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You have been truly blessed with two girls after your four boys. That’s lovely [emoji3531] but I think siblings fit in no matter what. I was so close to my sister growing up so the idea of me maybe even having one more and it being a girl I do keep thinking well what’s the point if she’s going to be on her own? Maybe I shouldn’t even bother. Having said that my eldest son is so desperate for a little sister. He tries not to “make me feel bad” [emoji23] for having another boy. It’s funny and cute. People are so ready to throw comments. It just the last thing you need. That’s why whenever I see a pregnant woman I will never ask what she’s carrying no matter what. Cos u have no idea what she’s going through. Gosh I don’t know what I’d do without the support I get on here. You guys really make my day. And I need it a lot atm. Thank you ladies [emoji3531][emoji3531][emoji3531]


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I will say I worried a lot about that (daughter being on her own) and that has not been a problem at all. She fit right in and is really close with my 4th boy. Those two are closer than my 3rd and 4th boy, in fact it's my 3rd boy who is often the odd man out. Plus I just told myself it will be her and me on the girl team, LOL. She doesn't seem at all troubled by it and has never mentioned it feeling sad or anything.

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Originally Posted by princessreader

You have been truly blessed with two girls after your four boys. That’s lovely [emoji3531] but I think siblings fit in no matter what. I was so close to my sister growing up so the idea of me maybe even having one more and it being a girl I do keep thinking well what’s the point if she’s going to be on her own? Maybe I shouldn’t even bother. Having said that my eldest son is so desperate for a little sister. He tries not to “make me feel bad” [emoji23] for having another boy. It’s funny and cute. People are so ready to throw comments. It just the last thing you need. That’s why whenever I see a pregnant woman I will never ask what she’s carrying no matter what. Cos u have no idea what she’s going through. Gosh I don’t know what I’d do without the support I get on here. You guys really make my day. And I need it a lot atm. Thank you ladies [emoji3531][emoji3531][emoji3531]


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its funny even though we have 2 girls my DD2 is closest by far to DS5 :) dont let anyone's opinion dictate weather you have more babies and dont let them spoil DS4's arrival either, he's going to be perfect!! :heart: (typing this while snuggling my own 3 week old blue bundle :) )

I was extremely sad & stressed during my 4th pregnancy. After a very long sway (10months) I fell pregnant & then had a miscarriage. At that point I didnt care about gender & just wanted to be pregnant again. I never felt the joy with that pregnancy. Only fear & sadness. I felt so robbed of my joy & innocence that I felt with my first 2 pregnancies. Finding out that I was expecting my 3rd boy was even harder than my second - but I think that was much smaller than the fear of losing another baby. I didnt tell anyone that I was pregnant (apart from hubby) until I was around 30weeks. I was small & hid it well. I then went into labour at 34weeks much to the shock of everyone. We managed to hold things off for another 4 days then my rainbow baby arrived. At that moment everything changed & he healed my broken heart. He still does everyday. He is the most beautiful snuggly boy. He has a lovely nature & was a easy baby. So being profoundly sad & fearful didnt affect him at all. Goodluck.