It's really hard...

I don't think we are going to make it through this. I wonder how this has happened but then deep down inside, I know it's me that is making everything bad. That's really hard to take because I can't change my feelings about not getting my DG and I BLAME him. I really do. There it is. That makes me horrible, I know.

It all started last week when his sister found out that she was having a girl (it hurts to even type that- how pathetic am I). OH kept it from me but I knew her ultrasound date so I asked (again, pathetic much) and that's when everything just flipped. Suddenly all these old feelings were there and then I looked at him and realized that it was his fault (I know it's not but that's how I feel). He says that I look at the DS2 with sadness on my face. I don't know if that is true. I DO look at him and wonder what would have happened if everything were different. I know that makes me horrible. I really do, I just don't know how to stop this. I don't know why it hurts so badly and I don't know why I couldn't get a daughter. I have clawed my heart to shreds trying to understand this. But, I don't.

I love both of my boys. I love my OH. Before this, things were perfect. If I had never had a miscarriage then this possibly would not have happened because I was perfectly happy to stop with DS1. It wasn't until I lost that little baby that I wanted another one. And I really thought it was a girl. I really did. It breaks my heart that I spent my whole pregnancy miserable and those feelings have only evolved over time. Now, we are arguing constantly and it all comes back to this. Even though that is never what we actually argue about, deep down, we both know what we are fighting over.

Then he told his sister about my GD. He asked her if it was okay that I felt this way. I found this out yesterday. I mean, I guess I knew that he was telling others about it...but I didn't know for sure. Now that I do, I feel embarrased....how can I ever trust him? I truly never want to see anyone in his family again (they all know by now, I'm sure- and making their judgements like only outsiders can do). I don't even know what to do anymore. We are talking about me moving out. =(

I don't know what I'm looking for by writing this...I just can't keep this in. I'll take advice, criticism (please, not too harsh, broken as is over here)and whatever I can get. I just want to shake this off. Move on with my life. But I can't.

Whoops. I think this belongs in the gender desire boards....not sure. Don't want to cross post so I'll leave it here.

Personally, and this is only my own very personal view, I would not share your GD with too many other people. My reasoning is this, my gender desire is a private thing, my own private battle in fact. I talk about it with DP. He is my sounding block. He doesn't understand (he always pictured himself with girls, got his boys instead, is delighted with boys, wants more boys!) and to be honest I'm glad that he doesn't have to have that ache in his soul. I would never tell anyone else IRL how I feel. I'll say to my best friend, "I would like a girl just for something different" but that is as far as it goes. I do not want anyone to feel I'm disappointed in my family or my boys (and no, wanting a girl doesn't mean you are disappointed in boys but a lot of people IRL don't differentiate between the two). Also, and this is probably my warped thinking, I don't want anyone to feel they are superior to me. I know someone IRL who has two boys and a girl. She is a very smug person. Very. She already seems to feel she is superior to me for some reason. I would never tell her I want a girl because then she would be so smug about it and I know she would rub it in. I don't want that and so my public outlook is very much that I love boys and want loads of more boys (which isn't untrue, I would just like a daughter too!).

About DH's sister, that is a toughie. I guess the thing is that you can be sad and bitter about it but it won't change the fact that this baby girl is joining the family. So I would probably swallow my jealousy, buy a little pink onesie and oooh and aaaah with all the others. In fact that is exactly what I did with the smug mum I know, bought her a beautiful pink present when her little girl arrived, even though I wanted to be buying something for my own little girl so badly.

You have 2 boys. Is no 3 a possibility or not? If no 3 is a possibility, could you save or access high tech? Could you do a hardcore sway and embrace the possibility of 3 boys? If another baby is off the table then I guess what you need to reach is peace and acceptance. I always think there are two possible actions with GD. One, you do everything you can to get that daughter. You save until high tech is an option, or you sway and you keep going with the baby bit until you get a little girl. Or you decide to move on with your family as is, without that DG, and you find happiness like that. Neither of those paths is easy but the other option - to live with this sadness you have at the moment, will simply make you miserable and ruin your life in the long term. I've been in that sad place too, but I think we have to get out of there. If not for us then for the sake of our children.

We will possibly go for 5. I tell myself that if I have 5 boys, well 5 boys is very cool and unique. And they will always have each other. And they will be the 5 most beautiful boys on the planet (if they are anything like my other 3). We dream and dream of that daughter, but some dreams just don't come to pass and it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard, I know how hard, but the only option is to love the life we have been given and make the best of it we can. I'm sending you millions of virtual hugs. I'm so sorry you are going through this. xxxxxxxxxxxx

Wow waitingfordaisy that post was amazing. I agree with all that you say!
Mommabee you are truly not the only one feeling like this, it is so hard when people close get their girls and that always makes my desire so much worse. I would not change my two for the world but did find it hard when told boy at scan for ds2. Now I could not image it any other way. The bond between brothers is amazing on so many different levels and you will begin to see this. I am again pregnant and hoping for a girl, I know that scan will be a nightmare again but I also know I will get through it again and then think 3 boys and a girl for my fourth would be ideal!
You will get through this, you and your OH need to talk openly and honestly about how you are both feeling, everything and the options available to sort your lives out. Sounds like you have been through a lot and you are suffering inside.
So sorry you are having to deal with this. X

Thank you both, ladies. I was in the middle of a bad moment and I just wanted to talk and since I can't usually talk about this at all irl, I thought this would be the place.

Waiting4daisy- I wholeheartedly agree with a lot of what you said. I just want people to know from my mouth, if I can trust them with that. It makes me very, very uncomfortable knowing that people know my deepest, darkest feelings and I didn't even tell them! This is one of those things that is so private, I agree!

I know that I will have to accept this and it kinda helped to hear that I appear so bitter and jealous. I don't want to be that way. His sister has 2 boys and always wanted a girl too. She deserves this wholeheartedly, she loves her boys and she'll love her girl. I even rooted for a girl when she found out *she was pregnant (and this was in the thick of my GD) but I didn't realize that I wouldn't be happy when she got it.

We had planned to start ttc within the next year. I'm not sure I want to anymore. This has been really hard. You are absolutely right that I need to pull myself out of this, though. If not for me then for my babies. One mountain at a time, right? Thanks for all the advice and positivity! I hope I can come to the place that you are and know that I could be happy with all boys...I'll get there =) FX that you get a girl one of these times!

Lauralou- Congratulations!! Fx for you! Thanks for all your kind words. I absolutely love the bond that already exists between my boys...seeing them together is the best feeling. I think that is one of things that troubles me the most, how can I feel this way if I already have two little pieces of awesome? I just never imagined I would feel this way. I do have to get to the bottom of this and open up to him. I can't keep letting it make me crazy.

I hope it didn't come off in my post that I think you are bitter and jealous, I don't at all! I just think you seem sad and it is a sadness I can understand and I just want to give you a big hug. Sometimes we need a good wallow, and then we need to make ourselves go out there and face the world with a smile on our face. It isn't fair that we don't have a daughter - it isn't - but life isn't fair and I guess I try to counter my sadness by reminding myself of all the amazing things I have.

A dear friend of mine had 3 boys, she was an amazing mummy to those boys but she yearned for a daughter. Her sister became pregnant with twin girls and of course she was sad, but she embraced those little girls, and 5 years on and she too has not one but two little girls as well as her 3 boys. So you just never know what the future might bring! I desperately hope you get your little girl in the future, I really do. Please take as much time as you need to rant and vent away. Overcoming GD is not an easy thing to do but I truly believe that it is a place you can get there in time. Perhaps being able to speak openly to people about it might help?

Lauraloo - FX for pink this time round! If it helps, my third little prince is the most beautiful wee thing on the planet. I think there is something really special about 3 of a kind.

And maybe when you TTC no 3, you will get a girly too and then she can be best buds with her cousin :-)? xxxx

At first I apoligise for my bad englisch but i want to give you a big hug! Unfortunely you can't always get what you want in life, everyone has dreams in live who don't come alive. (I know what I'm talking about since I find out being pregnant of boy number 3). I know it so hard but don't let it take over your life. You fill in now the thougts of the family of your husband, and off corse it's not oke that your husband talked about it, but maybe they do onderstand it, or unless a liitle bit. Don't affoid his family because you think they think bad about you, because i think they don't! Now I'll try to see what i do have instead of what i'm missing. I know it's not easy, but don't let your boys be the victims of mum and dad who are constently argueing. I hope you can go on, I know you can! And you dont know what happens in the future than it has been such a waste of all this depressive feelings. I wish you all the best and don't give your husband a hard time, it is not word it. It is oke to be said sometimes but we have to move on for our family! Goodluck!

Big hugs!

Thanks ladies, and waitingfordaisy- No, no...I didn't take it badly at all. When I went back and re-read my post I kind of realized that I AM jealous and maybe a little bitter ;). I don't want to see his family because I'm embarrassed...I guess I'll have to suck that up eventually but right now, I just have to work on it. I'm not much of a poster (let's see if I still say that when I get to the obsessive TTC stage in the future. lol) because I find it hard to talk about this unless I'm in the middle of throwing the biggest pity party ever. haha!

Lynsey- I totally get what you're saying and even though we don't argue in front of the kids, it's still not healthy for us to be bickering constantly and me constantly blaming.