Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Since the beginning I knew this was another boy, deep down it was there. The pregnancy has been identical to my boys, whereas Evelyn was so different.
At our 12 week scan the tech was 90% sure it was a boy and wouldn't change, the nub is obviously a boy.
But I still do stupid online predictors, that go off old wives takes and each one days GIRL. I go searching for tales of nubs that went the other way, or where they'd been told boy all along but it was a girl at the birth.
Why do I keep torturing myself? I know it's going to hurt so much again at the scan tomorrow when they say there's still a huge nub there that's unlikely to go down or turn girly. I know I'll cry on the way home and when I'm alone I'll let those all consuming, can't breathe, body convulsing sobs come out. I know I'll look at all the mums I know and secretly hate that they have girls. I know my husband will be hurting on the inside too but try to be positive about another boy, and I know I'll hate my body for letting him down, for letting us think that we'd be getting our girl with our angel, for not protecting her. I know my boys will ask if they're getting a sister like Evelyn and it'll break my heart saying no and seeing my littlest not understand why he can't have the sister he so desperately wants to play house with. Then on Monday when we finally tell my parents the first thing my dad will ask is if its the granddaughter he's been waiting for, one to take the place of Evelyn, who he was just so excited to be finally getting, instead I'll tell him it's another boy, another boy he won't know how to deal or play with and I'm dreading seeing his disappointed face.
I didn't think gender desire would hit me this strong. I got it in my head that I'd swayed so well. The stats for a girl on clomid were so high I would be guaranteed a baby girl. I was so foolish and tomorrow at that scan I just know it'll hit me like a ton of bricks.