New and feeling guilty and overwhelmed
Hi everyone, I'm just after joining and wanted to say hi. I'm hopper from Ireland, married to a wonderful man who would give me the world if he possibly could and mom to two absolutely beautiful and precious baby boys who I love beyond measure.
A little back story: My DH and I met in 2002 and from very early on we knew we wanted kids. Timing was never quite right and we eventually got engaged in February 2009 setting the date for May 2011. I came off birth control in March 2010 and spent over a year tracking my cycle using OPKs to be prepared for TTC to commence on honeymoon. We conceived DS1 while in Las Vegas but decided to not find out the gender. I suffered very badly with hyperemesis for over 20 weeks and as a result everyone, and their mother told me I was 100% having a girl as supposedly sickness automatically meant girl! I was so convinced that we were team pink that I never even considered boy names!! After a wonderful labour numbed by the epidural, which I had not wanted to have but needs must, out popped our gorgeous boy. I was so surprised, it really overshadowed the magical moment for me. I loved my baby immediately but the baby that had been inside me had been a girl in my mind so it took a while to reconcile the two. Anyway at 6 months post partum I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety, my doctor treated me on 5mg of Lexapro for 6 months, I felt a million times better almost immediately. After a lot of talking and soul searching I realised it had been the shock of having a boy along with the disappointment in having the epidural therefore not having the natural birth I wanted. Also he was a terrible sleeper waking every hour on the hour for months and months so sleep deprivation didn't make things any easier to deal with.
I had never went back on birth control after DS1 and had been tracking my cycle again with OPKs since May 2012. We brought DS1 to Disney World in May 2013 and started TTC #2. I had spent a while looking at pink sways on IG but not in much detail. We decided to try the SMEP, starting on day 6 as my cycles had been consistently irregular post partum. We conceived immediately and at 6 weeks the hyperemesis started again. Up to then I had remained optimistic that we could be having a girl but once the sickness kicked in I knew chances were slim. DH did not want a gender scan but I needed to know the gender after the surprise on DS1 so at 19 weeks it was confirmed we were having our second son. The sickness was a lot worse this time but only lasted til 16 weeks. I had a much happier pregnancy in general and when my labour started in February I was much more mentally prepared. My waters broke and pains started within 5 minutes, our second boy was born less than an hour later with no pain relief whatsoever. It was magical (I do realise that it might sound crazy to describe such pain as being magical but there ya go!) DS2 is the happiest little man, sleeping great and just so relaxed, I love both of my children so much and am so blessed to have them in my life.
And thats where the guilt comes in....I feel sick to my stomach most days with the horrible guilt I feel at my NEED for a little girl :sad: DH has been saying he would be happy to be finished now as he knows how hard pregnancy is for me with hyperemesis and it makes me so upset. During the week I told my sister how I feel and she made me feel like I don't love my boys and I'm not grateful for what I have. Which made me worse! Then yesterday I had a meltdown and cried inconsolably for over an hour. DH didn't realise the extent of my feelings and was as understanding as he could be. We decided to revisit the topic of TTC late this year/early next year and in the hopes of being proactive I joined here. I have read a little bit but its so overwhelming I am lost and don't know what to do first. Does anyone have any advice or can steer me in the right direction? Is there anything I can start doing so far in advance of starting a pink sway? I was looking at ordering ph strips online first.
If you've made it to the end of this essay thanks for reading! Looking forward to getting to know everyone and eventually starting my sway :)