The return of GD and now with it's BFF, jealousy
I'm in desperate need of some support and understanding and just venting really.
I suffered severe GD when I discovered I was pregnant with my second son, thankfully it subsided and of course he is dearly loved and wanted, I fell in love with him the second I saw him. That was over a year ago and I haven't struggled much within that time.
However I have just found out my SIL is expecting a little girl for her second. My second and her first were due very close together and my GD was entangled in my anxiety over what she was having, we both had boys which made it much easier to get over my anxiety and GD surrounding my second.
But now I feel all my old feelings resurfacing but worse and not only that I feel overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and I'm so angry. I feel robbed. I feel like everyone is laughing at me for not being able to conceive the girl I made no secret of wanting. I feel like she's so completely smug about the fact she has managed to do something I couldn't.
All of this is not helped by the fact this will be the first girl in 2 generations so the entire family is completely ecstatic, except me. I can't stand it. I can't be happy for her. I just can't. I feel so full of resentment, I don't think I can even be around her anymore.
I wish I didn't feel like this. I feel like I can't even be thankful for what I have right now. This of course makes me feel like a terrible human being and makes me sink even lower.