I never wanted to be writing this post, but I just can’t shake this new and terrible feeling of GD. Several days ago we found out that our baby is a boy after swaying so hard for another girl. I don’t even know how to eloquently share my feelings because I feel so selfish in feeling this way about a baby that I haven’t met yet, and especially after trying so hard for months to get pregnant. I’m internalizing this in a way that probably isn’t healthy and it’s shaken me to the core. When I found out that I was pregnant, I had convinced myself that it was a girl because I wanted one so badly. I had a great sway - Femara, husband on SSRI, LE diet, one attempt, exercise, etc. This was a much more intense version of what I was doing when I naturally conceived my DD’s. And somehow I’m having a boy. And I hate even typing that because I don’t want to downplay the blessing that he is. I just can’t really sort my feelings out because I feel like I “lost” my third baby girl and the bonds that she would have created with my daughters, the same way that I have with my three sisters. I’m worried that with such a large age gap, he won’t be close to my daughters the way that a sister would. I’m worried that I don’t know anything about boys. I’m worried about having a future daughter in law (I have a tough relationship with my MIL). I’ve been having a very hard time sleeping at night and can’t stop thinking about this. I know that it’s still new news and will take more time to process and get comfortable with, but I’m so worried that I’m losing some bonding during my pregnancy, and even more worried that the GD will manifest to something larger when he is born. Having a newborn is tough enough, and these feelings just complicate it for me.
I’ve really tried to avoid this topic on the boards and prayed that I’d never be here. But now that I am, I would love some insight from any of you that have gotten through this.