Down..

I am feeling super depressed today. Everywhere I look, celebrities, friends on facebook, books I am reading (yes I am even jealous of that).. every single person is having a girl and I can't even get pregnant. I feel like a failure and I feel like I should be happy because I have a perfect little boy but I feel like a piece of my heart is missing and just want a girl (or even a boy) so badly but I just can't get pregnant. I haven't cried about this in a long time and just want to break down and sob and not stop. I just wish I was happy.

Awe, hang in there!! It’s so hard to struggle to get pregnant. I’m sure you’re doing all that you can. If you haven’t done so already, I would drop everything that isn’t getting results and stick to only what is: LE diet (any version), cardio (only if you’re already doing it), one attempt (either at positive opk OR BDing every 4 days), and maybe coffee and alcohol. I would drop everything else (supplements, lubes (unless you need a bit to make BDing comfy), and jump and dump). If you’re doing one attempt at positive opk, I would consider BDing E4D from when AF ends until at least CD22-25 depending on your cycle length.

It’s so hard when it seems everyone is getting pregnant and getting the gender you desire. Let yourself have a good cry and a cheat day, then pick yourself back up. Know we are all here for you, and please don’t bottle in your feelings! Some of us, myself included (11mo this time!) took many months to conceive. While no one can say when it will happen, I can tell you it WILL! I know you’ll get your BFP. Keep trying and keep going along with your sway. I sure hope it happens soon 🤞🏻[emoji1317]!

(((Huge Hugs)))


[emoji170]8/2010 [emoji170]6/2013 [emoji170]11/2015 [emoji170]
[emoji178]Baby Girl [emoji254]EDD 9/30/2017 [emoji178]

https://lmtm.lilypie.com/kIlmm5.png

Sorry you're feeling down. :( I've been there (and been there, and been there lol). Even when my RE was trying to assure me that he had NO DOUBT we'd have a rainbow baby eventually I didn't believe him. Not after we failed HT over and over (and not even trying for gender selection after the first year just trying to get knocked up!). But then came the losses one on top of each other and it was damned hard to see any hope.

Every pregnancy announcement stung, even though I'd already carefully screened our fb the odd announcement (friends of friends WTF FB!) still snuck through. Every celebrity announcement hurt like hell and I'd spend months holding my breath hoping at least the babies would be boys - and mostly, they were all girls. Sigh.

Everyone told me, just hang in there you'll get yours soon, but yk when it was ticking past five years of ttc that is really hard to believe!!

But you know what - we got our rainbow. After 5 years, 5 losses, 2 IVF retrievals, 1 IUI, 2 failed FET attempts. Last year at this time I was getting ready to unwillingly close the baby chapter of my life - and yet, we have our miracle. I'm still afraid everyday that something will go wrong, because after all that time it is hard not to feel like the sky is constantly falling, and I'm not ever going to be the same. But it's kind of special too that our RE now tells our story to his patients as an example of how there is always, always hope no matter what your personal history has taught you.

Hang in there. The blue days were, lol, very very blue for me. And I will always carry those 5 years with me in some way. But they were really worth it to get to the other side. Be sad, be depressed, be ANGRY, it's okay!! Cry or rage or break something. Spend money, splurge on chocolate, some days you just need a treat. Above all - be KIND to yourself! All your feelings are valid. And secondary infertility is a really lonely place to be, I get that too - you don't really belong with the infertile group, or the fertiles. PM me if you want to chat anytime.

I know so many of you have heard me blah-blah-blah about this before (apologies!) but yes this is the one thing that still gets to me. Everyone I know all around me seems to have a boy and a girl without even trying, with no effort at all, and yet it took me 4 boys and 20+ years and tons of time and research to get one measly girl who came when I was 42 years old and I will be old or even dead by the time she's even an adult. And they all seem to have these perfect lives with beautiful houses and trips and fab clothes and I just can't help but feel some resentment for it sometimes. Even though the rational side of my brain knows that there are millions of people who would look at my life and trade places with me in a heartbeat.

I don't really have any advice but I do know how you feel.

Thank you everyone, I am feeling better today. Doesn't help my period started on Sunday so PMS was getting the best of me.

That is EXACTLY how I feel LacePrincess. I haven't been through the losses that you have so I am sure it was magnified a trillion for you but it's nice to know I am not alone in my feelings. I hate the days when I feel so down or when I want to turn off the TV or put down a book because everyone is having babies and they all seem to be girls which makes it hurt worse.

Anyway, thank you for being a safe place for me to vent without judgment. I appreciate you all so much.

I can relate so damn much. Wirh the amount of GD I had with my DD then 4 losses in a row, the seeming TORRENT of pregnancy announcements in the last month has been brutal. My SIL who I truly can't abide is having her third after her DH said they were done with their PP, and she fully neglects her kids. SHE gets another baby and I don't?! And then don't even get me started on the Kardashians!

I take heart in that I HAVE been this low before. And it got better. I remember the envy and agony I had when other people were getting engaged and my DH had yet to propose, even though we were living together and had been together for years. And you know what? I have yet to feel bitter again towards anyone since then because getting hitched with him DID make me feel better.

I felt similarly before DD, but after finding out she was a girl, my bitterness remained. I'm hoping when I finally get my boy I will again feel at peace.

Lovepink - I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today. PMS certainly doesn't help things! I remember how much it stung to get AF and see a baby announcement, or be mid loss and be caught totally off guard by a baby pic on FB. You're SO ENTITLED to your feelings though - as many of us like to say in the infertility community, there are no Pain Olympics. I'm no more entitled to feeling rotten because I've had more losses/fertility issues than you are. Pain is pain and I'm so sorry you've been hurting.


Throwaway - I'm so sorry about your losses, especially the recent one. Big hugs to you. It gets really hard to see any hope at the end of the tunnel, I know. Hang in there - this infertility/loss crap is, well, SUCH BULLSH!T and so spectacularly unfair. None of it is fair and it is like rubbing salt into giant gaping wounds when you have to be forced to see all successful pregnancies around you. There's a reason that I pretty much vanished off these forums for more than a year last year.....I just had to take a break from thinking and living ttc/fertility/treatments every minute of everyday. I refocused on other things in my life and put the ttc in the back of my mind, because frankly I would have gone insane if I had to spend any more mental energy on it.

It's funny, today FB sent me one of those "remember what you were doing a year ago" notices. Exactly one year ago I was posting on fb (screened to a few close friends) about my last miscarriage progression (there had been some question of whether I needed a d&c). A year later and so much has changed, but the losses will always be a part of me. October is infant & loss awareness month in Canada too so I will remember all of mine.

Anyways I guess that was off on a tangent lol, but my point is that there are lows, and there are highs. And sometimes the lows were so awful but it made me stronger to get to the other side. Of course I wish I didn't have to experience all those losses but I also think I'm a more empathetic, stronger, wiser person for having gone through that and through my GD. There is a particular sense of guilt too for caring about gender (and I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't care at all!) after all the losses. I honestly would've been happy with boy #4 too but in a deep dark guilt-ridden part of my heart, I still wanted my girl. Those feelings still feel wrong and I'm still waiting for something to go wrong because it feels so greedy and ungrateful to care about gender after having to go through so many years of not being able to get pregnant successfully at all.

I so badly want to write all of the reasons I am depressed, and struggling. Of course GD is at the top!!!! But every time I do I read it and feel like it is always so gloomy.

So for now I will just say hang in there ladies, and thank you for being so willing to share your feelings because it really helps me. I had a neighbor from church stop by last night because she had noticed I frequently looked sad, and occasionally had a tear at church. When I told her I get really sensitive seeing all of the little girls on Sunday she responded " why do you think you feel that way?" But with a hint of " are you serious? That bothers you that much?" I understand she was trying to understand and be kind, but when she couldn't even begin to relate ( she was only ever able to have two boys, adults now) I felt so alone and ashamed. And it is only because I found this site that I know there are people like me that for whatever reason have developed a hole in their heart for something we want to experience, and might not get, and it can truly cause heart ache, and it isn't necessarily wrong. However, I do feel like letting it steal happiness from me in my other relationships is wrong, and I am trying to work through it. So thank you
I wish you ladies the very best.

PLL - this I know...anyone who is happy with 2 of a kind (and hey, great! good for them) or has a pigeon pair doesn't understand. Like personally, I have not a clue why anyone would want to climb Mount Everest or go into the Olympics. It's not a desire that I have within me to do those things just like a person who is ok with 2 of a kind or already has accomplished that. And so while I can say "aw, gee whiz too bad that didn't work out for them" I know I can't relate to that in the way that another person who has that burning desire. It's not their fault, it's not your fault, it's just a thing she hasn't experienced and you know more about, that's all.

Throwaway - Yes, those Kardashians and apparently all girls of course, I was like seriously.. That is really sad about your SIL, it seems to come so easy for the people that don't really want it. My SIL just had her second girl and her and her husband were talking about a 3rd baby and they probably won't have one because he is scared to have a third girl and it made me feel better, because I got the boy that he wants when I have been so jealous that they have the girl I wanted. It's so sad how it works isn't it. I truly hope you get that little boy someday soon, you deserve it after all those losses, I couldn't imagine what you're going through with all those ups and downs.

LP - Your posts are always so knowledgeable, I feel like you write down exactly how I am feeling in the words I am unable to say. I am so happy for you that you finally got your girl after everything you have been though.

Pink Laundry - This is such a safe place to go voice your thoughts. I used to write it, post it and then erase it because I felt guilty but the women on here are so supportive and it really does make you feel so much better when you have someone to say it too, especially when there is no way I can tell anyone in my life how I feel sometimes. We are here for you too and I hope that we both get our little girls!