second boy....I am disappointed and I hate myself for feeling this way

Hey everyone

I am new to this forum and I feel miserable right now. It might even be pränatal depression..I dont know. I am getting help soon (seeing a therapist) but I guessed i'll find some other mums that might have been there and got out.

my story (short)

I have the most beautiful son ever. I was deeply in love with him from the moment I was pregnant until now (2.5 years) and we had a hard time my husband and I (he suffered postnatal depression and burnout) and it took us those 2.5 years to also fix our marriage etc. i never wished for a girl as imy son is the perfect kid. gender never mattered for me. I wanted to have another baby since spring 2017 but my husband wasn't ready. I wassuffering a lot. i didnt wish for a gender either...just a baby...and i did a diet then, did a lot of exercise and felt healthy and slim....but the waiting made me feel depressed....and I started to sit at home eating a lot (i did know a little bit about swaying but didnt really dig into it and also I always though "if i had swaxed for a gitl I wouldnt have my perfect son right now)....but I someohow always new I was also going to have a daughter....so....unconsiously I did a blue sway. I ate a lot of salt, and meat and sodium...didnt do any exercise anymore, gained 3 kg (while on vaccation)....and then my husband was suddenly ready, we tried one time and I got pg immediatly. i was happy.....but then since I know it's another boy i feel horrible. I feel like I betrayed myself for getting a girl. it feels like, if only I had read more and had sticked to the diet I was doing anyway and even found this forum earlier...If only...then maybe now I would be pregnant with a girl and could be happy. and I know this is absolutley unfair to the little baby boy inside me. but i am so sad and I never expected me to be...everyone around me has both genders. in our street there are only families with both..all my friends have both or only girls....and now i feel the pressure of society....i know it is ok to grieve a daughter (as we never wanted to have more than 2 children (I am 36 and my hubby is 41 and not c^just age but also financially it's not easy to have 3 kids). I feel sorry as I always wanted my boy to have a little sister as i think it would be better form him (he is very thin and small and not a typical boy. he is soft and sweet and not strong or aggressiv...and I fear they will fight the whole time, that he will feel competition with another boy arriving....and that they won0t talk to us when they enter puberty....etc... I know its all assumptions and it could be the opposite. I am seeking help with a therpist and I am so suprised that I have those feelings as inever thought i would. I never thought that such a thing like gender does matter...at leat not to me...and now it hit me like a hammer and I feel this sadness and emptyness inside....maybe it's just some kind of depression and has nothing to do with the baby? I really dont know...
sorry, this has been longer than i thought...maybe someon can understand this feeling and has been there and can tell me that it will go away....
thanks for reading..

Green

Hey, im so sorry that u are feeling this way. Sometimes writing it down and letting all your feelings out helps. I know after my first two boys i was slightly deflated that i had another boy (dont find out during pregnancy) this may have helped me as I had my newborn and i guess they distract, along with the exhaustion. I have to say what ur feeling is properly very normal. Dont worry about boys fighting and things that they nay go through, my two boys are close in age and its lovely to see them grow and play togther. Yes at times the fight but think most siblings do. I hope when baby arrives ul feel better, the best thing u can do is talk about it, rather than keep emotions hidden.
I believe whats meant to be will always be, many people sway pink but still get blue.
Big hugs

I'm so sorry you're feeling low right now. I have totally been there and completely understand.

I do want to mention something about raising boys. I personally think 2 boys do GREAT together and I often say that they should come in pairs like shoes. It very well may be the case that your little boy is actually greatly benefitted by having a bro to wrestle around and do "boy stuff" with. Even if he's a gentle soul, he will have to deal with other boys and men his entire life who are more physical and it very well may be the case that having experience with a little brother will only help him in his whole life. Even if they aren't the best of friends (which they very well may be) there is so much to be gained from siblings, learning to get along and cooperate and negotiate and even to get angry and push back when someone tries to take advantage of you. Right now you're viewing everything through your "GD glasses" where things seem like the worst case scenario, but the point is that this very well may be the best thing in the whole wide world for your sons (both of them) and so don't let the GD mess with your head so much that you can't see the upside here and the potential benefits.

Re therapists, unfortunately we have had dreadful luck finding understanding therapists, with very few exceptions. They are either offended by or dismissive of our feelings or are so certain that it's a result of some kind of trauma that they are totally unhelpful. It's very likely that these feelings of gender desire are totally natural, some of us just have it inborn, and we can't help feeling the way we do. We need to learn coping mechanisms and that is not what most therapists seem to be offering, unfortunately.

It is super hard to love a theoretical baby. Even with babies that are very much loved and wanted, it's totally normal to have mixed feelings and a disconnect from them. With my first, I desperately wanted a boy, was lucky enough to get him, but I still was often scared/depressed about how much my life was changing and I didn't really feel that OMGosh LOVE feeling till he was like a week old! He came out and I had this moment of horror where I thought "Oh no it's a BABY!" Of course I knew I was having a baby, but it didn't become REAL till then. You can't feel love for an idea, and the concept that pregnant women sit around feeling waves of love for their unborn child, is not really a thing most of us experience.

So I would be forgiving of yourself and your emotions right now. I promise the baby doesn't know what you're thinking or feeling, and I suspect that as the weeks and months pass you're going to feel more positive about the whole thing and then once he arrives it will be another love story just as you had with your first boy. :) it does get better.

Thank you so much to both of you.
I am already feeling better....but the downs come and go. I guess what hit me the hardest was that I never actaully thoght that gender would matter. In fact, I was upset when I heard stories about a woman that finally got pregnant (IVF) after 7 years and then was disappointed that she's getting 2 boys. I apologize to you unknown woman; I wasn't able to understand it....I was so deeply in love with my son that I honestly believed, getting two sons is the best thing in the world.

In my head I also believe that siblings of the same gender is better for the kids...and having a pair is "better" for the parents....and actually I want the best for my son not myself....but this pain hit me unexpected and harder than I thought....what bothers me the most is that I actually believe that I did a blue sway, part of it because I was feeling down and other parts because I was misled (or...didnt inform myself well enough on correct swaying....so I have this voice in my head that maybe I was supposed to get a girl - but because I intervened, I made a boy?...but I know, I will never know what would have happened...

Thanks for your words atomic.....its good to hear that your two boys get along so well....I also hope that my boys will become best friends....but it hurts that I might never know how it is to have a daughter...especially when friends around me fullfill the saying that boys will never have good relationships with their mother when they're grown ups and start their own families and girls and mothers always stay closer connected (I know it doesnt have to be this way....but it is this way quite often)..

Thanks for sharing your experiences about therapist: I actually don't wanna see a therapist only because of GD. But because I need to learn how to deal with situations that bring me down, in a better way. I have been here (or not exactly here, but close and down here) with other situations that happend in my life and I ALWAYS deal with them in the wrong and selfharming way...So, even though this will be a topic when I start talking to him/her to work as an actual example, I am hoping to learn copyinstrategies to use overall in my life...like in a schema therapy. I talked to two councelors already about it and both were actually very understanding and supportive...so I am not worried, but I'll let you know how it went.

You're right about the theoretical baby...it's very abstract....but still, in my first pregnancy I was excited, I loved every kick....and know it sometimes feels like someone is disturbing...but...I actually do feel a lot better already...just writign it down, realisizing that I am not the only one....that it doesn't mean I won't love my second baby .... and that it also can be a blessing....or is...helped a lot.

And maybe, maybe we're going to have another baby...and then maaaaybe, it's going to me a girl...or even: it won't matter to me any longer. I just hope I'll find a way to accelt life as it is and be happy with it....find happiness in what I have and not sadness in what I don't have...'cause thers always more that I don't have....this is my goal with the therapy, learnign attentiveness and joy in the small things of life....

thanks again!

Glad you’re feeling abit better. We’re blessed as theres many people in this world who long for a child but its not happening for them. We have more than one child, yet it would mean the world for them to only even have one. That said it still doesnt change what our minds think and hearts feel.
When i lost my first boy, all i ever prayed for is healthy children and the Lord above has blessed me with 2 healthy boys. I feel guilty wanting a girl so badly when health is utmost important given my history but my mind still thinks these things. When i do fall preg, the babys sex goes out the window and my fear of the babys health kicks in. I do think therel be times you’ll feel absolutely delighted with ur boys, other times you’ll see a girl or a girly outfit and want a girl again. Just normal feelings and emotions most go through. I tell u, going shopping and seeing beautiful summery outfits for girls gets to me soo much!!! Like my heart is yearning for a girl, but its not in my reach.. yet.

Don't beat yourself up for having feelings. They are only feelings and you don't need to apologize to anyone for them. You picked a safe place to "talk" about them. Praise yourself for that. You are not just bottling them up; you are trying to deal with them before the baby arrives.

Sometimes, when you have one perfect son, it is so hard to imagine another perfect boy. But I promise, you can have two perfect boys and they are totally different but both perfect in their own way. And sometimes another boy is good for the more sensitive older boy. I completely agree with what atomic said. I have seen it happen time and time again that the younger one is more assertive and that only helps the older one learn to be more assertive as well. It's not just older brothers that teach their younger brothers.

This is so so true
My elder son is very placid, sensitive and careful, whereas my youngest is wild and carefree. I can deffo say my lil one teaches the elder one to be more adventerous and independant, not to be so scared and do things that are a lil daunting
They deffo learn from each other, rather than just from the eldest:

Hey green!
From the way you tipe I kinda assume you are Dutch?
I totally understand how you feel..

I'm on the verge of starting to ttc for baby 2, nervous to start because I'm so scared for the disappointment. But you know you got this!
I grew up with a brother and I kinda feel the gender of your sibling doesn't matter. You can have a mix that doesnt like each other or two boys that are best friends.

Great job on writing stuff down anyway, I already feel so supported here and feel a lot less crazy. It's great to speak to people who understand your feelings you probably don't share with the world.

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My two cents - my older son is like yours and having a brother is so good for him. I agree with atomic that boys should come in pairs and I am so happy (now) that my second was a boy. When close age brother/sister pairs hit puberty it can (but not always) be uncomfortable to be around your sibling (at least in my experience) and it’s easier to be around a same sex sibling. Also I have a brother younger brother who I don’t like at all. I only see him at gatherings and he fought with me growing up so different sexes could still physically fight.

Lastly, as for boys not talking in puberty. My mom didn’t know a damn thing about my teenage life because she didn’t ask me! She never talked to me about friends or boys. She didn’t know when girls were being mean to me etc. My older son is a tween and talks so much to me because I ask and ask and ask and if he doesn’t feel like talking I make sure to take him for a walk or wait until bedtime cuddles and then he opens up. You will find ways to keep your boys talking to you. As long as you start from when they are little and make talking about everything normal it will be ok.

Sometimes I wish I had a pigeon pair for me but for my boys, I am so glad I don’t!