Please help- gender disappointment- don't know what to do :(

I'm not really sure where to turn, what to do, who to talk to.

I found out yesterday that i am expecting my 3rd boy. I was so happy to fall pregnant, loved this bump and baby growing inside me (or i thought i did!) all until yesterdays scan.
PLEASE dont knock me down for saying this because I know it's 'wrong' but i can't help my feelings.
As soon as the sonographer said it's a boy and i saw it's bits i felt instant dislike towards it and wanted it out of me. I have no feelings for it- im just numb and scared i do not want anther boy. Im 17 weeks and have no idea what to do.
I can already feel myself spiralling into a depression again.
My husband has been rather frank and told me im evil and a horrible person for not wanting it because of it's gender. I just dont think i can raise ANOTHER boy. Im not strong enough to, ive spent the whole of today in bed crying.
I feel so so alone as i can't talk to anyone about it and i feel huge guilt for being lucky enough to conceive but hate whats in me.
What do i do? Please help :(

Hi Pink,

It’s perfectly normal to feel like that. I always dreamed that my first child would be a boy. When I fell pregnant, I convinced myself that I was having a boy. When I heard girl at my 20 week scan I was so shocked! I clearly saw the 3 lines asi I knew the sonographer couldn’t be wrong.
After the scan, my partner and I went to a restaurant where I cried and cried.
The following week was pretty much the same. Woke up, cried, went back to sleep. Start all over again.
What saved me is that my sister in law came to visit with her disabled son and I started to realise that healthy is better than gender. She kept telling me how she longed for a DD after her 2 boys. It’s weird but it made me feel special.
Be strong!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pink_please

I'm not really sure where to turn, what to do, who to talk to.

I found out yesterday that i am expecting my 3rd boy. I was so happy to fall pregnant, loved this bump and baby growing inside me (or i thought i did!) all until yesterdays scan.
PLEASE dont knock me down for saying this because I know it's 'wrong' but i can't help my feelings.
As soon as the sonographer said it's a boy and i saw it's bits i felt instant dislike towards it and wanted it out of me. I have no feelings for it- im just numb and scared i do not want anther boy. Im 17 weeks and have no idea what to do.
I can already feel myself spiralling into a depression again.
My husband has been rather frank and told me im evil and a horrible person for not wanting it because of it's gender. I just dont think i can raise ANOTHER boy. Im not strong enough to, ive spent the whole of today in bed crying.
I feel so so alone as i can't talk to anyone about it and i feel huge guilt for being lucky enough to conceive but hate whats in me.
What do i do? Please help :(

It's not wrong and you're not alone in this. I really think it's natural to want both and even a little bit more of one gender depending on your past experiences with males and females.

I've always thought that I would have both genders, like piece of cake, a boy and then a girl and maybe others after that. As a child I wanted daughters but as an adult, and after being beaten, lied to, betrayed and worse by women of all ages and education, be they complete strangers or family members, I realized I wanted nothing to do with a pink baby. Or just one, you know, to try and for DH to be all protective. But I would have been pretty happy with a horde of boys and one lonely girl in the middle.

I was so scared (still am deep down) of a girl that I fell into a depression when I had my 20 weeks scan. Like you, I hated it, I wanted it out. The pregnancy was difficult, the baby wasn't growing, they thought they may have to abort it. I was scared but part of me was actually wishing for a problem that would lead to an abortion. It was horrible. DH didn't understand. He knew why I was afraid of having a daughter, he had seen the reasons first hand in our past but he still found it shocking. But I was too down to be shocked. I stopped talking to the baby, touching the bump... I saw a psychologist but I didn't really interact with DD1 anymore til she was 3 months-old. Then everything calmed down and I started loving her. Plus she was the first baby so I still had hope for a DS.

Then came DD2 and it was the absolute worst ! She was a surprise baby so there was that too. I wasn't ready to be pregnant again, I didn't want to be pregnant again, I hated myself for that mistake. Since we wanted another baby anyway, we choose to keep it. Plus DH had convinced himself it was our boy and he was over the moon with it. So when the scan revealed another girl, he was disappointed this time around. And surprised because he comes from an all-boy family. He started to wonder what was wrong with him. And I started to wonder what was wrong with him and myself too. I come from a family where everyone has both genders in equal parts, they pop girl/boy/girl/boy without even trying and I wondered what was different with me, what was broken... Til that day and with a lot of blue pregnancies around me, I still wonder what makes me less than the others. It looks so easy for them.

Sometimes in my prayers I ask my unborn son "Why won't you come ? What's so disgusting about me ? What's not good enough ?". Like DD1 I kept from interacting with DD2 and even though she is all cute and dear, I still have trouble spending time with her. I don't hate her because she didn't ask for any of this. I'm just neutral, like she is someone else's child that was put under my care... But sometimes I ressent her because without her, maybe I would have swayed and succeeded already and I would be happy. Then I remember that I was the one who made the mistake the night she was conceived and so it's back to hating myself and wondering what makes me such a failure of a woman that I can't get both genders, can't convince a blue bundle to nest and stay inside me... The failure of my last TTC has reopened the wound too. It feels like no matter how hard I sway, no boy wants me for a mother.

I'm afraid to be disappointed if I conceive another girl, sure, but I know I will be heartbroken if I never try.