When everyone else is happy but you're not

Hi all,

Not sure if anyone will actually read this but just feel like I need a safe place to vent some feelings and haven't got anyone in real life I can talk openly too.

I had thought I was getting over my GD, DD2 is now 2.5 and I truly thought perhaps I was becoming happy with the hand I'd been dealt. That was until I found out my BIL and wife were expecting and I just KNEW from the first moment I heard that they were pregnant that they were going to get the baby boy I'd dreamed of.

For the last 4 months I'd tried to put their pregnancy to the back of my mind and not think about it. She's a PT so I was 100% convinced that without even trying they'd have swayed blue. When DH unexpectedly sent through a copy of their 12 week scan I tried not to obsess over it and thankfully the nub was pretty well concealed. Unfortunately today my blissful ignorance was brought to a halt when at a beautiful gender reveal party they discover indeed they are having a boy. Thankfully I wasn't there in person as I would not have been able to hide my feelings. I've been sent a video of their reveal and just looking at the face of my BIL and his absolute joy when he realises he's having a boy and then thinking about my DH and that he hasn't got to experience that is just breaking me.

I'm just hating myself for not being smarter, for not knowing about swaying before getting pregnant. I've never had a chance to give it a go and now I'm too scared to try. I'm just so disappointed with the whole situation.

9 months ago I'd almost talked myself (and to a lesser extent DH) into trying for a third child (my first sway), however, very suddenly I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and the pain I was experiencing quickly put me off ttc. Really it was a convenient excuse for why I couldn't have what I wanted. I was ok with not having my boy because in some ways it felt like the disease took him away rather than that I just didn't have the guts to go after him.

However, I'm starting to feel better (that's the pain meds talking) and feel like I might be well enough to ttc in the next 6-12 months. But what that has highlighted is that I'm just spineless. I don't know if I have the guts to go after what I want in case I fail. I hate the idea of not only not having my son (totally convinced we'd end up with DD3) but of the fact that everyone will know I wanted a boy (we've always been open with only wanting to kids so it'll be obvious that ttc #3 would be an attempt for a boy) and also that I wasn't fulfilled by my girls. I absolutely adore my girls and I hate the thought of other people thinking they weren't enough for me.

Anyway, so from a completely selfish point of view today was a shitty day. I'm really happy for my BIL and happy for my PIL as this is their first grandson. I'm even happy for my DDs that they will have a boy in the family (although they don't live nearby so not sure they'll get much benefit) but I'm just disappointed that I couldn't give them a brother in their immediate family.

I completely feel you in many other arenas of life - the idea that I will never have things I want not because I tried and failed, but because I"m too much of a chicken--- to even try for them. YOu are not alone in that feeling at all, I just want you to know that. I am plagued by it myself and spend most of my nights awake at 3am chastizing myself for cowardice and missed opportunities. :/ And as you may or may not recall we were both dx with autoimmune stuff at the same time and I too worry that I"m hiding behind it using it to excuse myself from trying to grab my brass ring in the things I haven't accomplished with my life. :heart:

I do want to mention that people change their mind about number of children all the time, though. I've seen plenty of people with pigeon pairs or 2 of a kind who decided after a while to have another baby. It is not at all unusual to do that and I have never (well, with the exception of these boards) ever heard from a single soul who ever assumed "oh they're only doing it to get a boy/girl" In fact what most people will assume is that it was an unplanned pregnancy. Now, this is annoying too (trust me, when I had my 3rd after 13 years EVERYone assumed it, even though he was my most exceptionally planned child, LOL). But no one said "Oh, trying for a girl, are ya?" They all said "Don't you know what causes that" and then laughed about it. Certainly annoying in and of itself but your kiddos are still little, no one is going to think anything other than that you changed your mind and decided to have another child. 3 kids is really not at all unusual, people have that combination all the time, and what's more, it's just not unusual to change your mind! People do it all the time and so I think you're looking at that a little bit thru the GD glasses and assuming people are thinking you're trying for a boy when you can really just play it off as "we want another".

No matter what, just know we're here for you, to listen and do whatever we can!

Thank you for your kind words Atomic. You're definitely two parts sway coach and one part councillor.

I appreciate your point that other people will likely think of any further kids as a change of mind or an oops baby. It's comforting to think it's unlikely that other people will be able to pick my motives even though they feel blind as day to me.

Part of my reluctance is that wanting a boy is probably 90% of my motivation for having any further kids. I don't know if it's the smart thing or the right thing when GD is playing such a central part in the decision making. If I don't want another baby for the 'right' reasons then I probably shouldn't have any more.

I also can't wrap my head around the cost of another child. I would hate to think that I've taken away opportunities from my girls (possibilities of travels, schooling, family holidays, house etc) because of my dreams. Particularly because swaying still leaves so much to chance and I'm convinced the cards would all fall against me anyway.

I know so many people feel like that. They want to give their kids the world and every kid means that there is just that smaller a piece of the pie. But most of our kids have more than they really even need anyway, and it's so much more than we had and way way more than parents, grandparents, etc. I am not trying to talk you into trying, but I see so many of you guys basing your choices (which are permanent!) off this overly high assumption about what our kiddos really need, yk? If it's a matter of having a slightly less good version of all those things, it may not be such a deprivation for them to experience having to do without some things, or have a vacation at the nearby national park instead of Disneyland, if that makes sense. Just FFT.

Thank you for your thoughts Atomic, your perspective is very helpful, particularly given how many women you've been in conversation with about this over the years. What kind of emotions/thoughts do you hear from women who were on the fence, gave it a go and ended up with a (beautiful) sway opposite?

I am adjusting to the idea that a 3-4 year age gap between #2 and #3 might not so bad. I figure I've dreamt about having a son since before I had kids and have been stalking this site and blue swayers for 2.5 years now so perhaps I need to consider that these feelings deserve to be thoroughly considered.

98% of everyone who ends up with a sway opposite, even when they don't ever get their desired gender, do eventually end up in a place where it all makes sense, and it was meant to be. They say things like "this is how it was meant to be", "this baby was meant to be here" and so on.

My 4th son is much more "my" baby than my daughter, who looks exactly like my husband. My 4th son looks the most like me of all my kids, he and I have the most in common...we can sit and do puzzles and play games together for hours, which none of my other kids ever wanted to do - it's so weird. He is even named after me, LOL. I know that even if I had not had my daughter, that I would find him the most amazing gift and sometimes I sit and think OMG if I had had it my way, I would have missed out on this!

Now, as for that other 2% - the people who don't get their desired gender and do sink into despair/resentment about that...because giving it to you straight here, those people do exist...the interesting thing is that there is at least 2% of people who DO get their desired gender who are ALSO chronically unhappy/resentful. There is a subset of women who have actually shocked me by turning around and still complaining non-stop about their lives and their families and yes, even their desired genders. Even when their every dream seemed, at least to me from the outside, to be coming true (some of these people have ab-fab lives!!) it is like they are just programmed to be miserable and find the dark cloud atop every silver lining.

So my point is this - it's fairly likely that there are just some people who, for whatever reason, really can't find happiness no matter what and so I am not too sure that any of us should extrapolate that "2%" guestimate I'm tossing out here, to mean anything for US personally. Virtually all well adjusted, functional people have been ok over the course of time even not getting their desired gender, and the ones who do really struggle are about the same percentage as the people who get their desired gender and are still unhappy, leading me to believe that there is just a set number of people who are not happy no matter what. So it may not be gender stuff that is really at work here, if that makes any sense.