Dealing with my family and gender disappointment

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November 27th, 2018, 02:18 PM
mamajtm

Dealing with my family and gender disappointment

I have a girl and a boy, and did a half-hearted sway for a girl. I didn't do it extensively as I would love to have two of both eventually and wanted to leave this one up to the big man upstairs, especially since I have had issues with miscarriage. I'm having a boy and admittedly had a pang of disappointment. Not that I have any preference towards either of my kids but really wanted a sister for my daughter. And even though I want another, I felt ready for another girl. I have been doing a lot of self reflection trying to get to the bottom of my disappointment and finally figured it out...it all comes down to my family (my sisters and my mom). They prefer girls over boys. The girls are always doted on and preferred. It all came to a head yesterday when my sister told me that she and her husband want to try for a fourth. She already has 2 girls and one boy and said she's going to sway for another girl. She just KNOWS it'll be another girl because she's swayed with her others and it's worked out perfectly for her. She goes on to say how she does not want another boy - no way no how. I'm not sure why as her girls are brats. I think it's perception and being able to dress them up and show them off. Her obsession with having girls has started to get to me now. It's almost like I feel competitive with her. Because she wants a girl, I want a girl. I also am just annoyed with her in trying to stack her family so heavily with girls. Doesn't she care about her son dying for a brother?! IT's just all so weird to me. I'm trying to focus on myself and how I FEEL about boys or girls. Do I even care or is it just being driven by my fam? Anyone else ever struggled with this?
December 3rd, 2018, 08:21 PM
dreamofdaughter

I am sorry you have to go through all that. I can sort of relate to the whole family bit. My mom was so excited when I was expecting and kept saying it is a girl. When she found out it was a boy, she didn't speak to me for the rest of my pregnancy. She completely lost interest. My dad was just as bad. "Oh, it's a boy". It stung.

She does not know we are swaying or even TTC. I won't tell her. I have zero intention of even telling her I am pregnant when we conceive. She does not know I lost my last pregnancy. I have half a mind to just announce when the baby arrives. I think I started out wanting a girl to make her happy because I never really cared before about gender. But now I actually don't want her to a have any relationship with my daughter when she, hopefully, comes along. It took me a long time to get over feeling like I let her down by not having a girl. But now I barely speak to her and I feel happier that way. Fortunately she lives very very far away and I never see her. Like maybe once every 2 years, tops. I think that is another reason I want a daughter. I want a mother-daughter relationship that I didn't get. I want to be sensitive and loving and accepting. I want my daughter to always know I have her back.

Sending you hugs on your journey. I know you felt disappointed but congrats on your baby. I am sure he will fit in swimmingly with your crew. :HH:
December 13th, 2018, 02:05 PM
Mum of four monkeys

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamajtm

I have a girl and a boy, and did a half-hearted sway for a girl. I didn't do it extensively as I would love to have two of both eventually and wanted to leave this one up to the big man upstairs, especially since I have had issues with miscarriage. I'm having a boy and admittedly had a pang of disappointment. Not that I have any preference towards either of my kids but really wanted a sister for my daughter. And even though I want another, I felt ready for another girl. I have been doing a lot of self reflection trying to get to the bottom of my disappointment and finally figured it out...it all comes down to my family (my sisters and my mom). They prefer girls over boys. The girls are always doted on and preferred. It all came to a head yesterday when my sister told me that she and her husband want to try for a fourth. She already has 2 girls and one boy and said she's going to sway for another girl. She just KNOWS it'll be another girl because she's swayed with her others and it's worked out perfectly for her.

She goes on to say how she does not want another boy - no way no how. I'm not sure why as her girls are brats. I think it's perception and being able to dress them up and show them off. Her obsession with having girls has started to get to me now. It's almost like I feel competitive with her. Because she wants a girl, I want a girl. I also am just annoyed with her in trying to stack her family so heavily with girls. Doesn't she care about her son dying for a brother?! IT's just all so weird to me. I'm trying to focus on myself and how I FEEL about boys or girls. Do I even care or is it just being driven by my fam? Anyone else ever struggled with this?

Firstly lol @ your nieces being brats! It sounds as though your sister has taken her ease to have daughters for granted. All children , whatever gender are equally lovable! I think most only find this out after miscarriages or babies born to disabilities. I would suggest letting her have own point of view, and not letting that affect your thoughts and beliefs.

I think no matter what people will always make comments wethere family or not. There is absolutely nothing You can do about it accept be secure in your own beliefs. Also, it’s petfectly natural to prefer one gender over the other and be a little disappointed ( especially as you have the experience of having both ) if your DH has agreed to another then you could always sway! Maybe knowing all of this now, you could just go into it open minded without wanting a particular gender?
Nobody knows what the future holds just focus on your little man inside you...who I promise will bring much joy and happiness to your family :)
January 6th, 2019, 05:26 PM
Bbabyfever

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamajtm

I have a girl and a boy, and did a half-hearted sway for a girl. I didn't do it extensively as I would love to have two of both eventually and wanted to leave this one up to the big man upstairs, especially since I have had issues with miscarriage. I'm having a boy and admittedly had a pang of disappointment. Not that I have any preference towards either of my kids but really wanted a sister for my daughter. And even though I want another, I felt ready for another girl. I have been doing a lot of self reflection trying to get to the bottom of my disappointment and finally figured it out...it all comes down to my family (my sisters and my mom). They prefer girls over boys. The girls are always doted on and preferred. It all came to a head yesterday when my sister told me that she and her husband want to try for a fourth. She already has 2 girls and one boy and said she's going to sway for another girl. She just KNOWS it'll be another girl because she's swayed with her others and it's worked out perfectly for her. She goes on to say how she does not want another boy - no way no how. I'm not sure why as her girls are brats. I think it's perception and being able to dress them up and show them off. Her obsession with having girls has started to get to me now. It's almost like I feel competitive with her. Because she wants a girl, I want a girl. I also am just annoyed with her in trying to stack her family so heavily with girls. Doesn't she care about her son dying for a brother?! IT's just all so weird to me. I'm trying to focus on myself and how I FEEL about boys or girls. Do I even care or is it just being driven by my fam? Anyone else ever struggled with this?

Your last sentence struck me. I'm a mommy of two girls. I wanted the second DD to be a boy so much, that I really felt GD when we found out.
However, in the end, I came to realize that I NEVER had any preference for gender, neither does DH.
However because of FIL, and even my own mom and grandmom, asking me: so you'll still go for a son right? We wish you a son the next time. It'll be definitely a son, just conceive already.

AYFKM.

I now think I need a son, I want a son, to balance out the familie.. or is it to shut everyone up? All those comments had led me to this site.

I'm now trying to cope with those comments and really figuring out what I want. We always said we'd wish three children, but honestly being a mommy of 2, gave them my all every day.. has really tired me so bad and also made me fall and grow mentally.

I wish for you and me that we make well thought out descisions, for our own future and won't let anyone bother with what they say.
And may we enjoy and cherise what we do have already.

Sorry for any misprounociations, English is not my native language.

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January 16th, 2019, 03:46 PM
shiroshiro

I'm a FTM and also struggling with GD since finding out through a NIPT. I've been trying to understand it because I feel so guilty, and nearly all my reasons have to do with my family pressure and comments I've been hearing all my life. I'm not even sure I even have a preference, but I've been conditioned to think I do!

My GD now feels like I've disappointed everyone ELSE. And I don't like letting people down! I feel weak and a failure. Then that itself makes me feel worse about feeling that way.