Advice from anyone on handling a waffling spouse

Hi All! So sorry for the long post. Looking for any advice or experiences with a reluctant spouse.

I have been lurking here since I was about 20 weeks pregnant with my third son (5 months post-partum now). My husband was on the fence about IVF, at one point agreed to it and we set the money aside, and has since changed his mind to saying he will never go through with it.

I tried to accept this and move on to swaying. But I keep coming back to HT forums and bringing it up in conversations with him. Sometimes his reaction seems like he is willing to reconsider. The main reasons he is against IVF: 1) He is concerned about the leftover embryos being our children we would be discarding. 2) He truly believe we have a wonderful life and I will be happy and fulfilled with or without a daughter. 3) he feels like I am shopping for our child. We have the means to this financially without any strain, I do not think that is factoring into the equation at all. We live close to CNY and it would require very little from him logistically.

I decided to give a few last ditch efforts to change his mind. I started therapy to help deal with his decision, but it's actually only made me more sure that I want my fourth to be my daughter. It does seem to be helping him to see that this is really important to me and not something I will get over with time. I also said I would compromise on adoption of a daughter. He agreed we could meet with an agency, but I think he's quite disappointed the child would no be ours biologically- but has shown him I am really serious about a daughter.

Does anyone else have ways they helped bring their husband around? Bringing up the topic more? Bringing it up less? I have tried straight up bargaining for big things he wants, but it's relatively useless as historically as I generally support his l, he knows he would probably get those things anyways. I do not know anyone personally who has gone through IVF I can introduce him to, would it help significantly to normalize it that way? I think he would come to a consultation if I really wanted him to, but I am worried this is a bit too much of a wildcard how he'd react.

Any other ideas of ways to help persuade him? It feels like he agreed once and maybe I can find a way to make it happen again at a time it's an actual option. My husband likes to think of himself as very logical and rational, but he obviously is influenced by emotions just like everyone else. He really wants a fourth child, he just would like to do it naturally. He did agree without hesitation to Erikson or microsort before I learned they were not viable options.

Hi there, I don't have experience directly with IVF and PGD BUT I will say that it is a big decision and I can see his point of view. When my husband and I have had differing opinions on big life decisions, it has helped for us to have a 3rd party walk us thru the process so could you bring him along to your session(s)? I think having a professional ask questions and lead the discussion will allow both of you guys to see the other's perspective. Good luck and so sorry about your failed sway! I had a half-hearted one and am pregnant with another boy as well. We will go for a fourth but this time I'm going to do it all the way so I know that no matter what I end up with, I made my best effort!

I know we've talked about this at length already Goldie but one thing you say really jumps out to me:

"He really believes I will be happy and fulfilled with or without a daughter". I believe that we women too often let other people dictate what is going to make us happy in the future. My husband long had this dream of living in the middle of nowhere - miles away from the nearest neighbor. I had my doubts, but he kept saying "But you'll be happy anywhere" and I accepted this as true since I am kind of a homebody. I thought, well, he's right about that, I like staying home most of the time, and anything I don't like, I'll surely be able adjust to. I allowed him to tell me what was going to make me happy and I didn't even stop to consider that it may very well be that he did not have my best interests at heart, that he could have been saying that totally to have his own way.

Well, we've been here for 4 years and I despise it. My every worst fear of living out here has come true, I'm basically a prisoner in my own home because it takes me 2 hours to get anyplace and 2 hours to get home again, and the gas is astronomical. Just to visit my mom or older sons takes all day (I mean from sunup to sundown) and $100 of gas and other expenses, and it's exhausting, so I never go anywhere. I don't see the people I love and I don't even do things like grocery shopping any more. I put off needed doctor's and dentists visits because it's such an ordeal and so costly to drive to them. I sit in a house all day and never see the people I love or even ANY other people and I HATE HATE HATE it. It didn't go away, I was right about what was going to make me happy, and now that the course of action was chosen, I have no way to go back in time and change things because it would destroy my marriage and sink us financially for me to insist upon moving (he wouldn't agree anyway, so to get out of this, I"ll have to divorce.)

This is the exact same position you ladies are in. Whether he decision to add another baby to the family is a forever thing. The choice you make here and now will be the rest of your life and so I beg you guys - don't a) let anyone else tell you what will make you happy and b)don't assume that men (even really otherwise super nice and wonderful ones) are being totally upfront about their motivations in all this because at least sometimes, when it comes to doing things they don't want, they will give you the most noble sounding reasons to justify making the decision that is right for them.

@mamajtm, thank you! I understand his point of view too and I am not mad or upset with him for how he feels. Mostly just very sad and surprised, he generally supports things I care about this much. I just don't think I can move on until I've tried absolutely everything to see if he would try the high tech route. I might be able to bring him to a session, they are actually through video chat so he could just sit in the room if he really felt like it. I've talked to him a lot about it, I am not sure it would be any new information for him. My therapist is trying to help me work through why I care so much so I can move on. I am worried he will think me moving on is something easily attained.

Thanks Atomic!

I don't think my husband even knows his motives for refusing to do this. It really surprises me and he's said so many different reasons. I think it could be more of a gut instinct that he is uncomfortable. I really think he could work past it, he's just not particularly motivated to.

His reason for thinking I will be happy even with four sons is that I was devastated when I learned #3 was a boy, and now we are so happy. He doesn't seem to get that while I will be happy with and love 4 boys, never having a daughter will be a different kind of sadness that I don't think I will easily move past. And although it might be unfair I think I will resent him partially for it.

I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of no where. I cannot imagine not being able to run back out for the 20th time a day I forgot something from the store, and the lack of in person contact with friends/family. I hope someday you have the opportunity to move. Or at least an awesome new neighbor friend to commiserate with.

Yes that's the catch - many guys actually probably do believe what they say, but just keep in the back of your mind that while he may have honest it does at the same time completely justify what you are correct in saying is a "gut instinct". He just doesn't wanna, and I don't think that's a good enough reason when you have such a strong desire, if that makes sense.

Oh thank you- I wasn't trying to garner sympathy, I just wanted to explain my experience and huge regrets in not putting my own happiness first, because yes, resentment, bitterness, etc exactly as you say. It still undermines the relationship, just in a different sort of way, IKYKWIM. Good luck making a very difficult decision.