Back after 12 weeks of severe GD... some questions...
Hi ladies,
I haven’t been able to come onto this site for around 3 months now. I swayed for my second child hoping for a girl and had an opposite. I took it much harder than I thought I would; after all of that effort, extreme exercise, diet (including a 2 day fast the week of ovulation) I ended up feeling so convinced the baby would be a girl. I used to look at the ‘results’ post and scroll down through all of those pink girl emojis and think surely I would be added to that list, not at the bottom with the blue ones..
I was so ashamed of my reaction. At first I thought I was ok, but I would wake at 3am feeling this powerful sense of loss; I felt I was grieving the daughter I had ‘carried’ with me my entire life. I was so sure I would meet her one day and as we’d only planned on having 2 kids (and I had severe pregnancy anxiety this time around even before we knew the sex) I felt this sense of intense grief and loss. I felt completely, entirely detached from my pregnancy and had outbursts where I said horrible things.
Now the hardest part is people’s reactions. When people find out it’s another boy they either just say ‘oh’ (and have nothing else to say) or ‘wow, two boys’ – or the other day, when I happily told a young girl it was our second son, without hesitation she said “so will you try again to get a girl?”. It made me want to cry and slap her all at once. I bravely said “I don’t know, probably not, I love the idea of two boys” which honestly I DO now, I have come to love the idea of my son, the love of my life, having a best friend for life, and have heard a lot of parents of pigeon pairs saying their kids kind of grow up in lonely childhoods because they’re both into completely different things and can’t relate to each other as much as a same-sex sibling. We live on a big property (40 acres) and I have always imagined my perfect, beautiful baby boy dashing about the place with his brother, his best friend, his closest ally. I love the idea of having two boys who love their Mum unconditionally (because let’s be honest girls can be cruel to their mothers, or at least my sister and I have been as our Mum says the most insensitive things). But I still can’t help but feel as if it would all just be ‘easier’ and all the questions would be answered, in a way, if we had one of each.
A lot of it for me comes down to my family and the way I was raised. My mum is very pro-girl, always was very vocal about how she thinks girls are the best and she would say she felt sorry for people who had two boys (insensitive much?!). My grandmother had 3 boys and was so disappointed when her third arrived that she rejected him completely, put him into full time care with a nanny and spat “there’s my girl” when a friend visited. He grew up to have major issues and never recovered from being an unwanted boy.
My Mum absolutely adores my son and calls him ‘her boy’, talks about how she’s never seen a more beautiful baby etc, but still comes out with all of these disparaging comments about him not looking after me when I’m old etc or talks disappointedly about my ‘two boys’. I’ve seen a psychologist who has been VERY good and says that GD is extremely common. We’re working through the family issues that I mention here. But I don’t want to be exposed to a lifetime of rude and hurtful comments from people – I’m wondering how I can possibly grow a thicker skin? Especially around my extremely insensitive mother.
Just yesterday I had my hair cut and the hairdresser asked if I was having a boy or a girl. I told her a boy and they were happy for me, and then some stupid old grandma next to me started bragging about how she had 2 girls and every time one came out she was SO GLAD it was another girl. I wanted to say the nastiest things to her but bit my tongue as we all do.
I’ve told my Mum that I feel sorry for her that she never had a son. She replied ‘Yes, well maybe if I did he would have loved me’.
Anyway, as I adapt to my new idea of life as a Mum of two beautiful loving boys (my first born is the most beautiful, loving, smart, affectionate little lamb I could ever have dreamed of and most people mistake him for a girl because he is so ridiculously beautiful), I want to thank the ladies here and this forum for existing, because it represents a place that we can come to and speak to other people who know exactly what it’s like.
My DH felt so bad for me that we didn’t get the daughter we’d dreamed of that he says he’s open to a third (but in all honesty I think he’d rather not). I worry that 3 would spread me too thin, that I wouldn’t have enough dedicated time with each child to be a great Mum to all 3 of them – BUT at the same time when we got married the priest asked me how many kids I wanted and I said “2, maybe 3” because coming from a 2 girl household I always felt it was a bit too intense, a bit too comparative and my sister has suffered a lot from competitiveness etc, which made our relationship suffer. I’ve always thought that perhaps 3 would offer a different, more diluted dynamic between siblings.
When we found out our first was a boy I was over the moon – “I’d much rather 2 boys than 2 girls” I told everyone, which is entirely true, knowing how my dad suffered with the oestrogen in our household, but I also somehow assumed we’d have a girl second to gender balance the family.
So my questions for the lovely ladies out there are:
1. Mums of 3 kids; do you feel you’re ‘spread too thin’ and did your third push you over the edge? If we had a 3rd it would be when DS2 is 4 or 5.
2. Have any Australians on this site travelled to Thailand or the US for IVF gender selection? We would only go for a 3rd if we went HT because I can’t handle another round of GD, or putting that disappointment onto a child. We would prefer Thailand as I think the us costs upward of $50,000?! Thailand I’ve heard is more like $15,000, but I’d love to hear of others who have done it successfully so that I can have that as a future plan should these feelings persist.
Sorry for my long post, I’ve just been on such a journey, as you all have, and have been in such a dark, desperate place.
With love
Cookies xx