Having our 4th Boy ........ Saying Goodbye to my Dream of a Girl Forever

Hi Everyone (Atomic Hello),

Well it's been 6 years since I've been on this site and here I am - I'm back!

Since 2013 (2 boys in) I went on to have a third boy in 2015 and now in 2019 I am 22 weeks pregnant with my fourth boy!! I have to keep saying and writing it to believe it!!

Aside from the fact that I have been battling the most severe GD I have ever gone through (I'm talking to the point of severe depression and self harm) I am really trying to get my head round why in the past 7 plus years it has been impossible for me to get pregnant with a girl. Do some women only conceive boys? Could I be one of them?

I conceived my first in 2008 (and of course like most people, didn't care what I was having). By the time it came round to having our second, we tried for several months and it wasn't happening, before, during and after ovulation. So there wasn't much of a sway here except that we were trying to conceive a baby. By the time it came round to baby number 3, I had in the back of my mind that I secretly hoped it would be a girl, but I never wanted to say it out loud really - just I guess a defense mechanism in case it wasn't (I didn't want it to seem like I had failed somehow if it did turn out to be a boy again. So what I did (on my own) was avoided every DTD around ovulation time and made sure we only did it as far away from that time as possible. I guess this was a light Shettles Method based on timing (which I now think just doesn't work). We ended up conceiving my third son on day 8/9 of my cycle!!! So when I told hubby he just said "At least make it a GRIL." The whole time I was so sure it was a girl I had conceived. I had this quiet confidence that it was way too early in my cycle for it to be a boy and that God had blessed me with a surprise daughter. We even went up to 20 weeks where they could not see the genitals on my scans which made me even more believe that it was my girl (unlike previous pregnancy where the male genitalia was obvious from 12 weeks). So I had this amazing pregnancy until my 20 week scan when POOF there I saw his willy. So for some reason my GD wasn't so severe with by number 3 because I knew I hadn't done that much to try for a girl. I was sad for a few days and then moved on from it....

Fast forward to now. Back in 2017 - I decided I wanted to go for more extreme measures to try swaying. Originally I wanted to do a full on sway from all my years of researching Gender Dreaming and In Gender sways. But when my sister's sway failed in 2016 - I became slightly discouraged. She bought a gender swaying plan from Atomic (Gender Dreaming) which I talked her into doing because I really believed in the methods. She followed the plan to TTC girl for months before conceiving what turned out to be her second boy! Of course she was also devastated and cried and both cried together. By 2018, I decided to go for IVF Gender Selection to try for a girl. I had ONE shot at this as I couldn't afford to keep tryin (it's expensive). I went through the motions but the embryo simply didn't stick and I lost that pregnancy. I cried some more.

So here's where it gets good - my obsessive Googling and searching brought me to Urobiologics!!! Yes I know that it is extremely disliked on this website - and part of me thinks I should have done better research and I beat myself up about it daily now. I contacted them at the end of 2018 and started using their method to conceive a girl. By March, 2019 I was pregnant - and did the early gender testing via urine. My results showed that I was in girl phase and was carrying a girl. I was OVER the moon with this news. I really believed that my time had come to get my girl. Not only did I follow the conception method by Urobiolgics but I also felt I had a good semi-sway because DH was highly stressed (still is), was taking anti depressants (supposed to swat girl) we did shallow penetration, two day cutoff and had been consuming loads of peppermint tea and sleeping with a himalayan rock salt lamp by my bed for a couple of months! I had also been praying, visualizing, meditating on this dream - something I always believed truly works to try and manifest your dreams into reality.

So this was it right?! My girl. I made it! I finally cracked the CODE! NOPE. At 15.5 weeks I took the Harmony test and within 10 days the test came out MALE. I was devastated, broken, finished. All I could think was that I have blown my final chance for a girl. I was broken once again.

I keep beating myself up about the fact that I wish I didn't trust Urobiologics, EVEN THOUGH they seem to have a very high success rate. I was the only person out of our batch who conceived an opposite of desired gender. What are the odds?! I honestly feel like such a failure. I wished I had waited a few months and tried IVF again instead. What was I thinking? I feel so foolish for believing that it would work for me. Although I have been blessed with 3 (almost 4) amazing boys whom I love to death, a big part of me has forever died knowing I will never have my girl. I cried and cried and I still cry at the thought of this. I wish I could just ask God why am I not allowed to receive what I have prayed for in my heart every day for 7 years. It hurts. Really hurts. Financially we are not in the best place which is why DH didn't want to try for a number 4. It has created tension between us, this fourth baby. He did it for me with the faith it would be a girl. But why would I think I could get lucky? I honestly feel nothing would work for me - diet, timing, IVF, all has failed. I turn 40 in two months and I think it's time I gave up on this dream and start living my life - I just don't know how to. It's so hard. I feel like God is trying to tell me to stop trying because it's never going to happen.... I am heartbroken and trying to hold it together for the sake of my boys..... I truly think some things are not meant to be and out of our hands.

Oh my gosh Princess, you have been through A LOT, and my heart goes out to you. I'm still waiting for confirmation that I'm expecting another boy, but I'm absolutely convinced that I am and therefore already in the process of saying goodbye to my own dreams of a daughter (def no more kids for me either). So I know exactly what a lonely place you're in, because every woman who gets her DG in the end can (and should, of course!) leave all the heartache of previous gender desire and disappointment behind in a heartbeat, but we have to live with it forever and each and every one of us has to put a lot of work into finding her very personal path through life with what we're given, and without what we desired.
That being said, there is something in your posting that strikes me as so painfully wrong: Although I have been blessed with 3 (almost 4) amazing boys whom I love to death, a big part of me has forever died knowing I will never have my girl.
No, you ARE still complete! No part of you has died. You still have everything that you need to feel whole, it's all there, you're a complete being. It's just that right now you feel broken and incomplete and like something that you need to complement your identity will never be there. At least I imagine you do because that's how I feel! But I know it's wrong. Actually I plan on reading some buddhist scripture on that because I vaguely remember they see every being's natural wholeness as a universal principle, and this idea really speaks to me right now. Imagine we could reach a point where we truly feel whole and consummate just like we are, even without a daughter! That's what I wish for you (and me) with all my heart.