Would you find out the sex of bub if you had gender disappointment with the last baby?

Hi,

So this is something I have only told people very close to me but I feel this is a safe place to talk about it. When I had my last son (I have 2 boys and a girl in the order boy, girl, boy) I had my heart set on another daughter. I had pretended my entire pregnancy I didn’t mind but deep down I had a strong preference. I have kept the sex of all my kids to date a surprise. I cried with happiness when my first son was born and cried with excitement when my daughter was born. Then came surprise #3, another boy, and to this day I feel completely ashamed of how I felt. When he was born I remember looking at him and thinking what the hell! This isn’t what I wanted!! The disappointment must have been completely apparent to everyone in the room and I didn’t even want to look at him. I had convinced myself he was a she and those feelings I had, I never want to feel again! I spent the night crying on the phone to my mum and I would just look at him and think this couldn’t be right. By the next day things started improving and I was quickly completely and utterly in love with this beautiful little baby boy. He is 11 months old now and has been an absolute joy. My first baby that actually slept! He is super chilled and has the most amazing little personality. But those initial feelings have left me scarred for life. I still think about it and think what a horrible person I am for thinking and feeling that about my child.

So baby number 4 is due at the end of January and again I have a pretty strong preference towards a girl. Why? Because I want a sister for my daughter like I had. But it is silly really and I know it may not happen and I am sure she would grow up fine been loved by all her brothers. In fact I am fairly convinced that I am carrying another boy anyway. I am seeing a new psychologist (for depression and anxiety unrelated to pregnancy) and decided to mention it. She was very understanding and told me that if I have a preference to one particular sex then I needed to find out before the baby arrives. She seems adamant that I will be able to deal with my feelings beforehand this way and that the prior experience at the birth will not be repeated by doing so. I am concerned I may fixate on not getting a girl if I find out now. She has also assured me that it will still be exciting at the birth even though I will know the sex. I am not sold on this as I have never felt excited for other people’s babies when I have already known the sex beforehand (no offense to anyone, I just find it super exciting waiting to see what comes out). I feel like it’s one of life’s biggest surprises.

So I am after people’s advice. What did you do? Did it help? What are the chances they will tell me the incorrect sex at the 20 week scan (I think it would be so much worse to be told the wrong sex)?

Also, if I find out am I better just having it written down and sealed in an envelope and opening it privately when I have time to deal with whatever emotions it brings?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

I think it's better to find out so you have time before the birth to wrap your head around it. If you are self-conscious about how you might react have them put it in an envelope. Maybe you could open it sometime close to your appointment with your therapist.

Not even pregnant yet but this is something I’ve thought about. I think my now 5 year old daughter would have some pretty strong feelings about wanting it to be a girl (I don’t see my son caring one way or the other lol), to the point where I’m
already pushing how fun another brother would be...and I had wondered if seeing (and hearing loudly about I’m sure!) her disappointment would be easier before or after birth, especially if it echoed my own feelings.. Is this a factor for you?

...I have no siblings and always longed for loads of older brothers lol, no desire for a sister-yet I want one for my daughter...funny all our preferences and what we want for our kids. I hope it goes your way!

Thanks for your reply pinksabra101 I don’t think my kids are too bothered by another boy or girl as the eldest is 4, then 2 and 11 months. The 4 yo says he wants another boy but to be honest he just tells me he wants whatever the last baby was LOL. I think the only person that would feel disappointed would be me. My mum also had a bit of disappointment when the last one was a boy but she adores him so much she now wants the 4th (and last for us I think) to be a boy. I am trying to tell myself all the great things about another son and have already picked a name I really love should it be a boy.

Thanks for your reply trifecta. I feel like I don’t really want to find out at this stage but think perhaps I will get it written down and put in an envelope should I change my mind and it will give me a chance to talk further with my psychologist about it while I decide :)

I found out with my boys but not with my girl. Had gd with my boys so didn’t dare to find out with my last pg. But I have to say that everything pointed to girl. Would I think that it was probably a boy, then I think I would have found out before birth.

It’s a tricky one Ange, and something I considered with my first pregnancy where I knew I wanted a girl.

I was just honest with myself and knew that deep down I would’ve been disappointed with a boy had I have found out before the birth. And I just didn’t want any negative feelings to be present during the pregnancy towards a very wanted and loved baby. It was right for me and a little bit funny as it drove all my friends nuts coz they all wanted to know! [emoji23] I also figured that throw pregnancy hormones into the equation too it could be a recipe for disaster!

However my friend found out through NIPT to try and get her head around the gender so it can work both ways.
I think if you can gear yourself up for the possibility that it will be a boy then hopefully you won’t feel the same initial disappointment you felt last time.

I really feel for you, it’s a hard decision to make but don’t rush into anything.xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

With not finding out, you are spending the whole pregnancy being anxious when you very well may have a girl. Or getting false hope thinking well maybe it's a girl when it's actually a boy. With our HT daughter, I enjoyed my pregnancy soooo much more, even if it was the most difficult, knowing that our baby girl was growing inside me. I personally would rather have all those months to spend being thrilled, or to deal with it, vs "the surprise" factor.