New to HT, moral dilemma

Hi there,

I'm new to gender swaying or HT. I have 2 boys (one just turned 3 and other a few months). Been dealing with GD and likely PPD. I've been researching and would love a little girl. Funny enough, I never thought much about the gender of my children until my DS2 arrived. Oh I should add I found out my sister and best friend are pregnant with girls currently. Financially we are very lucky that we can afford IVF with GS. But I'm having a moral dilemma with myself... am I being selfish, ungrateful, if I go ahead will I feel differently about this IVF child vs my naturally conceived children?

I'm so scared to try again in fear that I would have a third boy. Would I look back and regret not doing IVF when I had the opportunity. I'm only having 1 more child so this is my last shot. Just looking for some advice from those of you that have been through this or any opinions from moms that have 3 boys.

Hi SJSJ2469

I completely understand where you are coming from as I've been there. We are looking at heading to Thailand next year for GS. I'm so unbelievable scared about the whole process but I also know that I definitely want another baby but that if I tried naturally and it was another boy (I have two that I love dearly) I'd be extremely disappointed and would regret not going with my gut instinct of trying GS. We aren't too far into the process just yet but would be happy to chat (even just about how you're feeling as you're not alone)

Whenever IVF is an option I always recommend doing it!! While I'm always happy to help people do gender swaying naturally, I hate to see people walk away from IVF when they can afford it.

The only time I'd ever suggest considering not doing IVF is if you can't afford it or your age or pretesting indicates you're not a good candidate. But if you're youngish and have good egg quality I would totally go for it.

There is nothing selfish or ungrateful about doing IVF. In fact you can make a good case that family balancing with IVF is somewhat unselfish because you don't go beyond the number of children you can afford trying to have your baby of a certain gender. Many people do TTC naturally, have an opposite, only to find they can't let go of the dream and end up pursuing IVF later on anyway (or conceiving naturally again.) Since odds of IVF success do not improve with age, it's best to go for IVF first, as quickly as you possibly can, and you'll have the best chances of success with it. And if heaven forbid you don't end up conceiving with IVF, then I will still be here and we can proceed with natural sway at that point in time.

Good luck and pink dust headed your way!

I'm currently 35. I conceived my boys very easily.

I guess I'm just worried that I might regret IVF with the risks involved (premature delivery, low birth weight or birth defects) also risks that we may not know about yet. I'm a naturalist at heart as well. I can't stop thinking about it. Keep going back and forth between IVF and just trying again naturally. It's consuming my thoughts and I feel like I'm not focusing on my newborn son. My husband would want to adopt but I have this maternal need to see what my biological daughter would look like. He is also ok with trying IVF if that's what I want.

I also know it's not an easy process. Am I ready to take on the emotional and physical toll this might take on me. My mom and sister think I should definitely go for it and that it would be irresponsible to take a shot in the dark and hope for a girl naturally. I can't help but wonder what if my next I'd meant to be a girl and I'm taking all these steps unnecessarily. I dunno. I guess I just need a space to talk and gather my thoughts.

But a LOT of those risks are because for a while there, docs were putting back too many embryos and causing multiples. In single pregnancies the risks are all much lower (and BTW - they're present even in natural conceptions!)

I completely understand that need to see what your daughter looks like - I swear that was the driving force of my GD, I just wanted to see my daughter and know her, like a person who has never seen the ocean wants to see it. I think adoption is fabulous and donor eggs are too - please don't misunderstand me I would have done either in a heartbeat if it was financially feasible. But just that I understand that drive. (btw - looks exactly like my husband LOL)

Re "meant to be" remember, people used to be "meant to be" alive for only 35 years before they died of old age! People were "meant" to walk everywhere and have intestinal parasites and stuff! That's natural for you. We use modern technology every day and think nothing of it! So this is just another weapon in our arsenal of having happier, better lives and there's no ethical reason not to use it. :)

Atomic I agree.

I actually work in the medical field and believe throughly in science and all the medical advancements we have. I have no religious or cultural beliefs stopping me. I guess this feels different. I almost feel like it's not fair for me to use IVF because I can conceive naturally. I have friends that had to use IVF to have a child and I think nothing of it. For me it feels odd, not quite sure why and I guess that's why I'm here. To talk and listen to other women's opinions and maybe that'll help me sort out my feelings.

I know if I was to sway and fail, I'd be devastated. It would feel like all that effort for nothing. Likewise if I didn't sway and failed, I'd wonder if I could have done more. I know IVF is 100%. I'm just really struggling with my thoughts.

I've actually talked to several IVF docs about this and the number of people using IVF for gender selection is minuscule compared to the number of their clients using it for fertility. No one is having to forgo IVF for fertility because too many people are using it for gender selection. There is room for everyone.

Think of it like a pie - we have this idea where a product or service is a pie, only a limited number of people can split up one pie. But IVF isn't a pie - it's lots of pies. And the more people who want IVF (including for family balancing) the more pies they bake to be sure everyone who wants a piece, can get one. Us doing gender selection via IVF isn't taking away the opportunity of anyone else to use it for fertility and it may even be HELPING create more opportunities by increasing demand and encouraging the creation of more clinics, the hiring of more docs and technicians, etc.

Atomic

Do you have other women that had similar concerns that went on to do IVF?

On a side note. I wanted to hear your opinion. I conceived both my boys with using ovulation tests and did BD around ovulation maybe 2 or 3 times. Do you think that could be why I conceived 2 boys? I also had a chemical pregnancy between my boy's (wonder if that was my girl). Do you find when women use the ovulation tests they have more boys? There's a ton of YouTube videos of women that use the babydust method and swear by it. I can see how I have 2 boys according to that method.

Yes absolutely!! It's not unusual for people to go through a questioning phase before deciding to do IVF (or not, some do decide not to.)

The Babydust Method is dishonest garbage https://genderdreaming.com/forum/gen...tml#post969387 that when done properly has a very low chance of conception. Most of the people who think they got pregnant using Babydust ovulated sooner than they thought. We absolutely have sway tactics that are effective (like one attempt) but the Babydust Method isn't it. They stole our one attempt and combined it with timing which has been totally debunked https://www.genderdreaming.com/forum...le-timing.html. One attempt does seem to work, but is nowhere near a magic bullet and I would not ever suggest giving IVF a pass in favor of swaying, particularly with Babydust.

So when you got your boys, what stands out to me is the multiple attempts and not the timing. Everyone BD's around ovulation because that is literally the only time you can get pregnant!! You're only fertile for about 2 1/2 days to 3 out of the cycle, 4 at the absolute latest, and the majority of babies are conceived from sex O-1 and O-2. So I would not worry about cutoff timing, it doesn't work, I'd just have you have one attempt instead!

Hi SJ i cant offer much help but if i could of afforded ivf id of seriously looked into it and if i lived where GS was legal i 100% would have done it.
i recently came across a large family mum who has a blog and a youtube channel and she has 3 sets of ivf twins so far, sadly the last transfer ended in a loss but she said they will do another double embryo transfer asap. (they do a double transfer each time and have had amazing luck getting twins 3 times in a row!!) she documents it all on her blog/youtube and did a really indepth series following her last transfer explaining all the meds, showing the injections she has to do herself and the timeline for everything, she isnt doing gender selection but she gives a really honest step by step account into the whole ivf process. if you want to look her up shes called nicole and her channel and blog are both called bustlinghome.

Hi SJSJ,

We sound so much alike! I too have two boys (3.5 and 6mos) and am going to do IVF in December for a girl. I was going through the same thought process a few months ago. You are not taking someone else's spot in the IVF line. You're not keeping the service for yourself - there's room for everyone! There is nothing wrong with using technology and any or all legal means to make your life what you want. If "the universe" didn't want you to have a daughter, "the universe" would not have invented the means to make it so you could.

I have three quotes that I've collected and made my mantras during this process. The first one is what tipped the scale for me and made me decide to go for it.

"We only make this trip once, and we really should make it count." - Nancy Reagan (It's one of those cards/magnets from gift shops, who knows if she really said it!)
"I like it when things happen. And if they don't happen, I like to make them happen." - Winston Churchill
"Nothing ever comes to one that is worth having except as a result of hard work." - Booker T Washington (This is for when I have to give myself all the injections.)

Also, when I went in for my IVF consult, I was shocked at how I did not have to justify my desire for sex selection AT ALL. I had a speech all prepared and rehearsed, and I didn't have to use it one bit. Everyone there was very matter-of-fact about it all, and that probably made me feel the most at peace about my decision. No one there thought I was crazy.

If you have the means for IVF and the means to care for a third child, I say go for it! Life is too short for regrets.

I believe these thoughts have crossed many ladies minds who have considered going through IVF for GS. I agree with atomic. Whenever money is not an issue I would highly recommend IVF GS. I have 2 girls and did IVF for a boy. I absolutely felt guilty and questioned myself for doing it as I was able to conceive naturally no problem. We have decided that we will not have any more children unless we can guarantee that our third is a boy. IVF was the only option that will guarantee this. We did not once regret doing this. Our GS boy is almost 6 months old. We love him no differently from our girls. He was worth everything we went through to get him.

I would not overthink it, we are blessed to have the technology we have to be able to do this.
I was consumed with GD, it was torture, not even sure why not because I needed a clone or a ballerina, I think it was more of getting what I "don't" have.

In the end you won't even think about it. You would be surprised how many people do HT for many reasons, my 5 years olds BFF in kindergarten - twin girls from a single mom/sperm donor IUI, and another twin boy/girl from egg donor and husband sperm and then my daughter HT/PGD! Crazy!

This is a pretty old thread, but I just thought I’d add on just in case you might still be grappling with what to do.

I had two boys just over two years apart and I had terrible GD after I found out I was having my younger son. We had only ever planned to have two kids so for me, I had to come to terms with having a third child just to have a daughter. I tried very hard to be okay with my boys and move on, but I often cried in secret and even though I loved my boys desperately I was so sad. I chalked it up to morning the loss of a daughter that I would never have. Then one night my husband came back from a meeting early and caught me sobbing in the shower, and that’s when he and I had an honest conversation about my GD. I told him I thought I could move on eventually but if I could guarantee our third was a girl I would do it in a second. That’s when my Husband decided that we should definitely do IVF for a girl, because the possibility of regrets was too strong and if it didn’t work out then at least we tried. We had enough money for one round and we decided to go all in and went to Dr. Potter. It was a tough process and knowing that it may not work was hard but I felt like I was chasing after what I felt was meant to be. I had had dreams of my daughter so I felt I had to know if they were real.

For us IVF worked and my daughter is 2 years old now and I rarely think about how she was conceived because she completed our family in a way that felt so meant to be. I hope that helps anyone who might read this.



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Originally Posted by Hopefully Pink

This is a pretty old thread, but I just thought I’d add on just in case you might still be grappling with what to do.

I had two boys just over two years apart and I had terrible GD after I found out I was having my younger son. We had only ever planned to have two kids so for me, I had to come to terms with having a third child just to have a daughter. I tried very hard to be okay with my boys and move on, but I often cried in secret and even though I loved my boys desperately I was so sad. I chalked it up to morning the loss of a daughter that I would never have. Then one night my husband came back from a meeting early and caught me sobbing in the shower, and that’s when he and I had an honest conversation about my GD. I told him I thought I could move on eventually but if I could guarantee our third was a girl I would do it in a second. That’s when my Husband decided that we should definitely do IVF for a girl, because the possibility of regrets was too strong and if it didn’t work out then at least we tried. We had enough money for one round and we decided to go all in and went to Dr. Potter. It was a tough process and knowing that it may not work was hard but I felt like I was chasing after what I felt was meant to be. I had had dreams of my daughter so I felt I had to know if they were real.

For us IVF worked and my daughter is 2 years old now and I rarely think about how she was conceived because she completed our family in a way that felt so meant to be. I hope that helps anyone who might read this.

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Thank you for this Hopefully Pink! This serves as a good reminder to be positive and hopeful that we will get our girls and our families will be complete. I hope you are enjoying all the things having a daughter has brought you! [emoji178]