I'm having a third girl, I guess everyone already saw my other posts. I hoped to never experiment that again. And it is even worse than I thought it would be. The situation is especially difficult because I hurt my health and body with this pregnancy, I am confined due to Corona and worried about husband on the front lines... and now I'm stuck with GD.
Also unknown to me til recently, many moms girls of my neighborhood have been trying for a 3rd child. And guess what ? They are all pregnant with boys now.
All except me.
I think many posters have said it all already. I'm broken, I'm a mess, I've been physically ill since earning the news. I can't stop vomiting and crying and I'm getting nosebleeds and headaches every few hours. My whole body is rejecting the new, something that didn't happen with DD3. Husband was against having four children but seeing me like this he's now speaking of HT, though we don't know if we will be able to afford it or if it will work. If we go that road, we will have to start as soon as I'm delivered. I'm 34 already while he's younger.
I feel so betrayed. By him first of all, that incompetent mess who has hurt me in the past and seems unable to make a boy. By my body, which is unable to switch genders or at least reject XX. By Nature. By whatever God out there who seems eager to punish me. For what I do not know. Betrayed by my friends who manage to have PP. Betrayed by all these girls moms who succeeded and it's like they stole all blue dust.
Wondering what is wrong with me. Wondering if I should just disappear, that way I won't hurt any more and there will be less girls in this house.
Am I cursed ? I was bullied then physically assaulted by women my whole life, my own mother included. Are my daughters the next generation of bullies ? Is it why I can't get a son, because he would intercede and protect me and God wants me to suffer at the hands of my gender until I die of it ? I'm very close to die from it anyway.
I don't know what to think anymore. I feel insane anger looking at girl stuff (sorry pink swayer who are dreaming about little dresses). I was dreaming about buying these so called "ugly" boy's clothes and toys. I was hoping I would finally be able to leave my GD days behind and laugh at it. Hoping I could forgive DD2 for "stealing" a turn (surprise baby). Now I'm stuck with two girls to forgive. It's not their fault. I should have tested abroad with NIPT, I should have aborted. I should have gone HT asap but I didn't want to go through such a heavy process, steal an infertile couple's place, while young and fertile... But now what ?
Of course I stopped feeling anything for that baby the moment I heard. It is still a cute baby. Would make a boy's mom or a sterile woman very happy I'm sure. But I can't. I am horrified now each time she moves and feel disgusted with myself for feeling like this. I hoped I would "fall in love" still like some of you did but I just can't. Maybe in a few years but not now. And I won't bet on later. Can't see her as anything more than a punishment. At least husband is still happy.
I know nothing about being a woman which leaves me as an incompetent girls' mom. And women for me are violent and dangerous creatures, much like some perceive all men as rapists and are afraid of having sons. Curiously, I've heard of cases of former rape victims being authorized to abort male embryos as to not worsen their traumas. But strangely, a victim of female violence won't get the same offer. She just has to suck it up and surround herself with potential abusers.
My own mother tried to throw me down a flight of stairs. I was trying to escape her abuse after my father told her he was getting a divorce. A neighboor heard the screams and came out and thankfully caught me. She had broken my phone prior so I wouldn't be able to call my father or boyfriend for help.
No she didn't go to jail. She was seen as a poor woman taking bad news the wrong way. One more victim of a careless man. Because girls are soft, they like tea-parties and can't be violent, right ? Or not without a good reason. I was the bad daughter for not forgiving her or understanding her sadness. And I was left with her cause "minors need their moms in their lives". My minors themselves MALE friends worked very hard to get me as much out of the house as they could. Female friends thought having a bad mom wasn't a good enough excuse to miss a shopping date or burst into tears in front of my cup of tea.
Switch gender and see if a man throwing his child down a flight of stairs and doing his utmost to keep them from calling for help will be seen as a "poor man who took divorce the hard way and the sad victim of a careless woman". If the daughter of such a man is a bad girl for not forgiving him or crying because of all the abuse she endures.
I love my daughters, I try to raise them well and make them happy. What else can I do ? But my mother was cared for too. She had a violent father though. But if anything, her mother loved her since she was her only girl, cared for her and tried very hard to protect her from abuse. Not only is she mistreating that same mother, my grandma who had to raise me when my mother proved unable to, but she ended up abusive toward me. You would think with such a past, my BROTHER would be the one getting the abuse as revenge for what my grandfather did ? But no. He was hailed as the Messiah. And so even today, he sides with my mother even though he does not approve her abuse of me and tried to protect me from it. He pities her.
Why am I telling this ? I don't know. Just that my personnal life and experiences taught me how dangerous and sadistic women are. And how devoted and loving men can be. My brother worrying about the health and life of an abusive unstable mother. My male friends worrying and caring for their alcooholic, drug-addicts moms despite the fear, tears and abuse. My husband caring for his cheating mom and helping her around while still not approving her cheating ways. By the way, she assaulted me too one day she had taken alcoohol with meds. She refused to apologize and that's when she definitely lost her son's love and support. Note that : she had to physically ASSAULT his wife for him to reject her ! No prior abuse, no cheating, nothing else would have worked !
And I didn't talk about male strangers jumping to protect me from attempted robbery or assault, this time by males sure, while the women present LAUGHED (because these happened to be their brothers or sons I learned later).
Meanwhile, and not later than last month, I had to watch daughters belittle and hurl abuse at their own mothers. Because they were not pretty enough. Because they were not successfull enough. Because they didn't like their new dress. Because they're sick and hospitalized and can't watch other the grandkids. Because because because. They insult their moms, mock them in my ears, call them failures and "good thing I didn't inherit that from them". They call them unloving and non-deserving of respect because they're not physically or mentally perfect. They envy the mom next door with her perfect career and fashionnable clothes and perfect manicured nails. They sigh about the curse of not having a model as a mom.
Once I did point out what my mother did to me when a girl was complaining about her mom being "hospitalized too often to have quality girl time and the gifts not making up for it". Know what she said to me ?
"I still wish I could have your mom. At least, she is present enough to have time to hit you. And trust me, someone angry at you is still better than someone who is never there."
Who would want daughters after this ? Seriously, who would ? I never knew nor witnessed a balanced mother/daughter bond. I know they exist but it's a bit like a rare animal or something. You know they exist but until you see one up close, touch it even, it never hit nor stick that yes, they do exist.
I've seen loving mother/daughter pair but how to say ? It was the opposite and not good either. They were so joined at the hip, no matter their reasons, that they just couldn't even blink without the other's approval. Mom or daughter or both. I've seen moms crying out loud because their daughter now living their adult life had forgotten to call them once. No matter that the daughter called the day after apologizing, they were totally out of their mind with sadness and worry and very hard to calm down. Saw the same the other way around. Daughters stopping to eat or sleep because their "mamma" hadn't been able to call or visit. Fumbling with their phones, rushing to their car and driving miles in fear. Fear that something happened, of course. But also fear of it being a sign that "mommy" didn't love them anymore. I've seen daughters use that mad love of their moms to take money from them with the threat "I won't love nor speak to you forever if you don't comply". I've seen controlling moms use that influence to decide everything in their daughters lives. From the pets they could adopt to the husband they should marry. Even the clothes they could wear at work. Or the jobs they should apply to. The car they could buy. The destination they could go to for the holidays. Some even forcing their daughters to go on a "bonding trip" with them, leaving husband and kids behind. Under the threat of "if you don't come, I will know you for the ungrateful brat you are".
I tried to help two of them. Because they were very unhappy with their lives without being able to see what was wrong. They felt it had to do with mom but "mom loves me, that's why she meddles so much".
I failed on both cases btw. Now at 40, their moms are still deciding everything, keeping them all to themselves. The rest of the family has given up trying to rescue them. As for me, these loving moms smelled the rival and forbid their daughters to hang out with me, arguing I was out to break their "precious bond" and after all "I'm a motherless girl, I must be jealous of what I don't have.".
It's weird but I never saw that between fathers and sons. Maybe I'm wrong though but I don't know.
You know, each of these bad role-models... They were female babies in a belly once. They had moms. They were raised in a loving family as far as I know. There was no problem of gender disappointment or else. They had daughters. They loved them.
So why is it that they destroy each-other ? What makes an apparently normal woman go out of her way to break her own daughter ? What makes the daughter of a poor loving but not perfect woman so angry that she can never find a sweet word for that person who would sacrifice anything for her ? Men can find it in themselves to understand their moms are having a bad time, suffering, are addicts, are pitiable at worse. But not the oh so-called peacefull, loving, soft, not war-addict gender ?
I look at my daughters, all cute for now and innocent, whom I try to raise well and whom I love because they're still my daughters. But there's always that nagging fear. The fear of one day discovering they became violent bullies. The fear of hearing them talk like all the women in my life. Even fear of failing to make them independant and having them run around madly if they can't have me in their line of sight.
Fear of waking up one day with cancer and have them say "Oh God ! Now we won't even get girl time ! Why did you have to be my mother ?"
Fear of heariing at the table one day "XXXX mom is a beautiful successfull manager and here I am, stuck with an old ugly hag ! What a disappointment !"
None of this is appealing. I wish I had only one of them to worry about and boys everywhere else.
Sure, you also have to worry with boys. Will they become delinquents despite your love ? Worse ?
But I don't know, it's still a huge step to take. There are mental or living circumstances that are still obvious in a male criminal's past. Things you can point and say "this is why, sadly".
But for a girl ? Nothing. A very good chunk of the violent ones don't have anything in their lives or childhoods that would point to a twisting of some sorts. It's like they just wake up one day, all grown-up, and decide "I will destroy other girls' lives. And men's too if possible. Family included.". No matter how loved they were. No matter how spoiled they were.
This "not knowing why female become violent" is what makes it so frightening with daughters. And now I will live with thrice the fear.
Add that with all the shaming I got as a mother already, talked about that in other threads... I think it's no surprise I feel very very down. By the way if I'm physically sick, is it extreme GD ? How can we deal with that if anyone has some tips ?
