Having second thoughts...
Hi ladies, I’m not sure exactly what I’m feeling so I’m hoping by writing it out I can get some clarity and I’d love any input you feel could help.
I had 2 boys and then swayed pink for my 3rd which was a girl which I was so over the moon about & felt completely fulfilled and blessed. Fast forward 5 years and I had a surprise 4th pregnancy just before my 39th birthday and during covid lockdown. My husband and I were in shock and it all felt like a bit of a rollercoaster. We were excited but also had gone through quite a lot with our marriage and my husbands mental health/addictions etc, so I was scared we wouldn’t be able to cope and stay together as a family. I’m very maternal though and absolutely love being a mum so I started to get attached to this pregnancy. Sadly at 11 weeks we lost the baby and the grief and loss I felt was beyond what I could of ever imagined. The only thing getting me through was the hope that in the near future we could try for a planned 4th. My husband is very open to the idea now and he’s really stepped up and we’ve grown closer through this heartache.
We’ve decided to have a fresh start and get our house ready to sell and move to a bigger house and tick off some goals in the meantime and I’ve started a pink sway because I’d absolutely love to give my daughter a sister (although when I was pregnant the gender didn’t even come into the equation - I feel very lucky to have both boys and a girl already).
I guess my stance now is that my hormones are settling after my loss and my career is thriving, my youngest goes to school next year and if I’m honest I’m at capacity now without any help or support so I’m now second guessing having another baby. I’ll be 40 when he/she is born and my youngest will be 6 (and that’s if I fall within a year).
A seed has been planted though with this surprise 4th and I can picture them in our family. I’d absolutely love to experience pregnancy, newborn, breastfeeding etc, one last time before it’s too late but am I mad to rock the boat when we’re only just afloat? We have financial means for help if we needed it but I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in this position and regretted not going again or really felt like it pushed them over the edge by having another baby when you’re older and less energetic? I have a pretty good life balance now but family means more to me than anything.
Help! Xx