Awaiting- Gender Disappointment Blues

I’ve struggled with writing this post as I’m not sure what to call it:
I have this unsettling certainty that this baby is a boy, when I had tried so hard to sway pink. I had swayed for over a year in one way or another. All signs point boy: I have had no morning sickness, lower-ish Hcg and many other boy like symptoms.
I’m awaiting the return of my genetic testing, but the anticipation and blue feeling has me deeply distraught. I’m almost surprised by my feelings.
To add to it, today my sister shared she is having a girl ( about six weeks before my due date.) A mixture of excitement for her also this intense envy overcame me. In an effort to get in on the excitement ( push away that nasty jealous feeling) I began finalizing things for her baby shower, a shower I am hosting. Again I just sort of felt smacked in the face with the mixture of wistful longing and happiness for her. Lots of tears.
I’m on the struggle bus for real!
I will certainly update as this is hardly an informed gender disappointment. I would relate this almost to a preterm grief, something I experienced years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I find it odd and surprising but thought I would document the here and now.
Advice appreciated.

I felt the same way when I found out I was pregnant this time. I just didn’t feel pregnant after some horrendous implantation cramps and some light bleeding. I didn’t have much of anything for symptoms until 9 weeks other than bloating and constipation. My HCG was quite high, but then I found out at my first scan at 6w5d that I was having twins. I then started dreaming I was having twin boys and it would upset me. My husband made an off-handed comment about hoping both babies weren’t boys because we were done having kids regardless. I never felt they were boys, or any gender in particular, but it nagged at me. I looked for every possible reason they couldn’t be the girls we swayed for. We’ve been told four times now they are both girls, twice on ultrasound and twice by blood tests that they are, indeed, girls. My brain is now arguing with me about accepting it, especially since this is what we wanted. LOL

Too unreal!
I found out yesterday during my dating ultrasound that I too am expecting twins.
I’m still letting the twin news sink in. After fertility treatments and miscarriages you get sort of afraid to hope they will stick around.
My only clue was that I’m bigger this time and really showing. I’m only 9 weeks along so we are not in the clear yet. But the specialist seemed really positive.
The twin news has sort of stifled my gender worries for now.

I’m also pregnant with my 11 years of TTC and 2 sways and 2 boys later baby girl. I have 4 boys total. We swayed for 2 of them. I’ve been in the swaying world for 12/11 years now and one thing I’ve learned is this journey effects us all differently but you’re not alone!

I have been told at 4 ultrasounds and 3 blood tests that she’s all girl and I STILL worry it’s wrong. I don’t think I’ve bonded yet because I’m so worried to bond to a daughter and find out she’s a boy.

I’m 21 weeks and it’s my last either way. I’m trying to soak it all up, slow down and enjoy and just love my baby. I’m also trying to accept that it’s a girl. I keep asking myself how did I get here? And I feel guilt for getting my wish when others haven’t. It’s such a push and pull emotion. Big hugs. You’re not alone.


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