Such a roller coaster

[My Three Sons]

We have three wonderful, healthy, beautiful boys, whom I love with all my heart. DH said on numerous occassions he would not be willing to go for #4, and I never really thought he'd change his mind. I started getting rid of baby stuff left and right. Our youngest is 1 so as he outgrew things, I got rid of them. I saved a few as keepsakes, saved some of my maternity clothes that were nicer, but was planning on selling those, then WAM! DH said he was willing to try for a girl, but that was absolutely it. I was shocked! Part of me wants to hurry up and get pregnant before anything changes, plus I am 39, so no spring chicken here... I think that in conjunction with my lack of willpower with food is why I am being a lazy swayer, but then I feel bad that if this one is a boy, that I didn't try hard enough. I know that if it is a boy, I will love him just as much as my other boys, but I do really want a girl. I see people with daughters and think how it is so unfair, then I see people with no children that wanted them, and realize they probably see me with my kids and think the same thing.

[ELP]

What a great situation to be in!! I hope your little girl joins your family real soon x

[Mum23boys]

Hello we too are tryig for number 4 and have 3 boys - hubby was bribed into after saying firmly no for the last 2 years !! He has been really good and supported my sway and has done his beat too cutting out red meat and taking supps.
I hope we both get our much longed for and well deserved baby girls :-)

[Mrs_P]

Yep me to in the same place, absoluteley no from DH still he saw how miserable i was and how important things were to me. Well ive just got my bfp and am really pleased to be pregnant again but to be honest i feel like a little girl is just not possible for me. Despite the facts its been all i've dreamed of since i was a little girl i just don't feel worthy of a daughter. I know that sounds strange but girl moms should be beautiful and graceful, classy and sophisticated and all of the hundred of other things you need to be to teach a little girl and as hard as i try i'm not. I'm average a best in terms of looks and a little on the fat side since having the kids. I just feel the more time i spend trying to chase my dreams the further away they become and that i am going to have to grow old never experiencing that joy that so many women seem to find so easily. Don't get me wrong i love my boys with everything that i am, they are world, my life and my heart but i hate feeling that empty feeling like something is missing and am struggling all the more with these feelings since getting pregnant (probably my hormones i know)

[My Three Sons]

Mrs P, I know exactly how you feel. Part of me wants to hurry up and get that BFP, but then I know once I do I'll be going insane waiting to find out if it's a girl. With three boys, I just can't really picture myself with a girl. It just seems so unreal, so far out in the distance. The hardest one was when I found out with DS #2. I cried like a baby at the ultra sound, then the tech told me she couldn't have kids at all, which made me feel even worse knowing that I was being completely selfish. With DS #3 I took one of those tests you pee in that you can buy at the store that tells you if it is a boy. I didn't buy into it 100%, but since it said boy, I mentally prepped for it until I had my us. overall I do really want a baby, but I know that if this is another boy, that's it. No way, shape or form will DH go for #5. We don't have the money or space for that. Plus I'm old. LOL

[Mrs_P]

Yeah this is the last shot for me to and in some ways it seems harder now - i feel like my chance at a girl has gone now i'm pregnant as i'm sure i'd never conceive a girl naturally and i'm finding it really hard this week. At least if you know you can have one more you can always live in the delusion that it could be a girl (either via pgd (in we won the lottery) or adoption - if by some miracle it may happen). Now i feel like there is no way i'm ever going to get my dream - four is my absolute limit, i really did only want three.

I cried so much at my ultra sound with ds3 everyone thought there was something horrible wrong with him, i just couldn't help it - i'd convinced myself that odds are i could get my girl, my pregnancy was different and everyone else around me with two boys was pregnant with a girl why shouldn't i be lucky to. I was sooooooo certain he'd be a girl i felt like i'd really lost my little girl. He is the most beautiful boy ever and so darn cute he charms every one he meets and although i wouldn't trade him for the world that little whole that got all the bigger that day is still there just as wide and gaping as ever.

I think pregnancy makes it all the more harder, a you have to wait ages to find out so it gives you time to get your hopes up (if they said boy right at the bfp i'd never get that hopeful feeling and would just be grateful what i had) and b it make your emotions run wild so things you would normally deal with fine you just can't handle. I heard one of the girls i worked with today just delivered her baby girl (she already had a 13 year old boy and had struggled to catch again and really wanted a daughter). Anyway the minute i read the message i burst into tears i was so happy for her, how pleased she must be feeling and glad that she'd not have to experience gd or the emptiness as it was their last baby.

Then i spent the second half of the morning crying for me, the joy that i felt for her that i would never get to feel that myself. That my baby was going to be a little boy (who'd i'd love so much) and that i'd have to spend all of pregnancy dealing with people's feelings of "why did you bother, you know its going to be a boy", my family are the worst they don't want me to have anymore, two is normal, three is pushing it anyway but four is out right ridiculous. My mom told me outright with ds2 she could never love another boy (she dotes on my first) and with ds3 she suggest abortion or adoption. She loves them all massively and the same now, they are her world and she never goes longer than 2 days without seeing them and i know sh'ed love another to - it just makes the gd so much harder if i have to try to convince everyone else (as well as myself) how fab he'll be and that another boy is a good thing. That being said if i announced i was pregnant with a girl (not going to happen i know) then they'd all be overjoyed and shouting it from the roof tops and none of them would pass any comments about us having four.

Am beginning to think is it all really worth it should i put my baby through all of that, why can't people just be happy for me, i love being a mommy and pregnancy should be special why can't they keep their noses to themselves. Just once i'd like to go i'm pregnant and have someone (anyone) go congratulations and be excited. (Ds1 was an accident and everyone thought at 23 i was too young, ds2 planned but due to early bleeding we had to tell everyone and wait 3 weeks to see if I was miscarrying and ds3 - well you can guess the responses we got). I really don't want to spend another pregnancy in tears all the time and i feel so super emotional this time round (i suppose its 3 years worth of gd catching up with me)

Anyway sorry to have hijacked your post - just feeling very sad today and nice to talk to a mom who understands.

[TT_3814]

Hi Mrs. P, just wanted to give you after reading your post.

[My Three Sons]

I so completely understand. No apologies for the post! I see people with both genders and am just so darn jealous sometimes. I think that is why I was so upset finding out ds 2 was a boy. I had it built up in my head that we had one boy and the next would be a girl...just one perfect family. It seemed like everywhere I looked people had one, then the other, that it was meant to be. When I found out he was a "he", I, too, felt like I lost a daughter. I was very sad, thinking of the losses of not having a daughter, no bows and pretty dresses, no prom gown shopping, no wedding dress shopping, and it went on and on. Of course once he was here all that went by the wayside and I love him with all my heart. He is my snuggle bug moreso than the other boys.

Also I can't stand how people judge you based on your kids. I mean really, having 4 kids is not that crazy! We are able to provide for our family, take good care of our kids, work hard, why is it so insane? Before we started trying for #4 there was a lady in the check out at the grocery who commented on how well the baby was behaving. We started chatting a bit and I mentioned having three boys. She had the nerve to say that they make a pill to keep that from happening. Really? Lady you are wayyyy over the line to tell me that I should have been on bc to stop having kids at 2. Seriously?!?! I love big famllies. My parents are on board with 4, plus they had a big family too. I don't know what dh's family will say, but regardless, it won't change my mind. My co-workers will think I am nuts. I don't care. Family is forever, jobs, friends, co-workers all come and go. I know that I want a fourth and will love him/her just as much as my others and no one else will be obliged to do anything for us.

[My Three Sons]

One more thing I try to think about when I start to feel sorry for myself... In all honesty, if #2 had been a girl, it would have been very difficult to talk DH into having #3. If #3 had been a girl, there is no way, no how that DH would have went for #4. Maybe I was meant to have 4...maybe this babe is destined for great and wonderful things and this is God's way for us to have him/her...Maybe #3 is going to do great and wonderful things, and if #2 was a girl, he would not have been here. Who knows, but whatever the reason, there is a reason, I'm just not privy to it. Regardless, I am now glad that #2 and #3 were both boys as I can't imagine my life without them.

[Mrs_P]

Thank you for the lovely reply - i'm feeling a little better now damn hormones.

My kids are really well looked after (or at least i try my best) we work, we own our own house, car, give our kids all of what they need to most of what they want - spent the last 3 weeks buying half of toys r us ready for christmas. In general the boys are well behaved (not angels all the time but then whose are) and very much loved. I often look at us and think were doing ok the boys seem happy and all the local moms that know us comment on how well mannered and what nice little boys they are. We really only get the wow 3 boys comments of people that don't know us, its always a first reaction but then i can't see why the people that do know us and know how devoted i am to my kids comment so horribly on the idea of a fourth.

I got approached by one of the moms at school today and another one of the grandparents who came to coo over and chat to ds3 (he is a massive ladies man, they all always stop to chat to him) and they got on the subject of are we having anymore to which i replied i would like another and everyone was like blimey you know its going to be another boy don't you - although the one grandmother said she'd pray for us to get a daughter, in a nice way which was pretty sweet.

Maybe i am a freak of nature - the woman with all the boys desperately seeking the holy grail - people probably look at me and think how stupid silly cow doesn't stand a chance.

I love your comments about family though - mine was pretty disjointed growing up - my biological father left my mom pregnant and didn't turn up til 21 years later (and then wasn't much cope) but adopted father tried his best but was an alcoholic and my brother i hated growing up as he was always favoured by my mother - we get along really well now though. But dysfunctional doesn't even begin to cover my family - everyone was always fighting or falling out with someone else. Anyway i feel so blessed to be surrounded by all these men (after my granddad died when i was little i never had a man to be close to, i thought the world of him) our home is full of love and i feel happy every day for the family that i have - i love having a large family and my noisy cuddly boys and i wouldn't trade them for the world and your post just reminded me (on really low day) just how lucky i am for what i have - thank you x