Feel like giving up...

[Tiggerian]

Sorry, but I'm feeling really low right now...

Just one month ago we were getting ready to start TTC'ing, thinking by the end of this year we'd either be parents again or be expecting. Now I don't know if we're going to even get started this year!!

I'm still waiting for my bloody MRI after having to cancel Friday due to snow (not my choice, every thing just shut down!).

I know they are hoping it will be small enough to be treated with medicine, but for some reason that freaks me out even more! I talked to a girl who said she had to battle for over a year before finding treatment that worked! A YEAR!!!

A year before finding effective treatment, then waiting for prolactin levels to be normal, than wait to see if it's stable, than maybe we can TTC... Looks like it might be years before we get to hold our next one in our arms...and it really upsets me!

It's so depressing!! All our plans for this year are just going down the drain. My mood is going very dark very quickly. I find myself always been angry, my temper is constantly flaring, I got no patience... Yesterday I broke down crying... don't know why, just did...

My kids especially are driving me mad! I can usually deal with them arguing and fighting or being loud. But lately I just can't! I got a headache 24/7 and they just really grind on me.. then I find myself shouting at them for stupid reasons.

I'm seriously Queen Bitch lately! I can't stand it.. I'm sick of waiting, I'm sick of feeling sick.. I can't sleep, eat, go to school, do my homework (I got an assignment in tomorrow and I can't even finish it because focusing for longer periods of time hurts my eyes).

I feel like my family are constantly demanding and demanding and I can't keep up! It's always something... They always want or need something and Heaven forbid we should do something for ourselves! Than if I don't respond immediately they go right up to my head and scream MUUUM in my ear, which HURTS my head!! I seriously get this urge to just slam my head into the wall just to make everything go away... I know that sounds insane, but I just can't handle it much longer!

Why did this happen!?? WHY can't I just for ONCE be normal and not get all the weirdest diseases and ailments!? Why is it affecting my mood and ability to cope so much all of a sudden!?

It doesn't help that I got zero help from family. I haven't heard from my parents or most of my siblings. Only one sister, who's in another country. My in-laws, well they don't like me, so fat chance of them helping.

This year was suppose to be so good... I was so happy because I felt like I'd finally have my little girl... Now I feel like I'm just loosing everything... I just can't cope right now... I feel like I'm sat in a very dark, lonely place...

[Tiggerian]

Was suppose to have washed the kids clothes for nursery this mornng... just realised I haven't done it... great! urgh....

[Rainbow baby]

It is not fair! <hugs> Wish I had words of wisdom but I don't just know I am thinking about you! We have had a hard year too, and this one seems to be getting worse and worse I know how you feel about sitting alone in the dark!

[Tiggerian]

Thank you rainbow... I appreciate it!! And I know you've had a very hard year too and I don't have any words of wisdom either, other than that I really do empathize with you!!

[Rainbow baby]

Thanks.. it all seems to happen at the same wrong time! It is so frustrating. Life is so unfair sometimes!

[4devochki]

Oh poop, Tiggerian, just....poop.

Your little guys are still small. My youngest are from Fall 2007. We try to give them ways to help out (set the table, pick up your laundry, pack your schoolbags) but it always takes so much supervision. They did clean up the playroom pretty nicely on Sunday, but they had their big sisters helping...

And I have a horrible migraine too tonight and one of the twins fell off her bed when she was sitting on the footboard (she was supposed to be asleep); started screaming...it's always something.

I didn't catch what your ailment is, but it must suck completely being sick, being responsible for the house, having two little demanding guys, having schoolwork AND wanting to move on plans for a new addition. It must feel like planning for the landing at Normandy, frankly.

No words of wisdom, just empathy, bon courage and all that.

[Edited a day later to say Good God Almighty, a brain tumor! I'm sorry I even likened it to my piddling migraines. In my book you deserve a medal just for getting out of bed in the morning. I hope the prognosis is fantastic and everyone starts waiting on you hand and foot, stat!]

[little_quickstepper]

Hi Tiggerian, sorry to hear you're in a horrid place right now.

I have boys who are a similar age to yours so I can promise you this is the darkest part before they go to school and learn some empathy, fast! My oldest boy looks to be a year older than yours and in the last year he has matured so much, and - gasp - actually thinks of me or what I'm feeling rather than being 'me, me me' all the time which 2-4 year olds are prone to. His terrible twos honestly lasted 2 years, from 1 3/4 until 3 3/4. So a lot of the boys' behaviour is just because they are so young, but they love you really! And they will get better, they won't always be that demanding!

I see you are also in the UK. They say the third week of January is supposed to be the most depressing one of the year for everybody!! Also, I hope I am not sounding trivial but have you considered seasonal affective disorder (SAD)? I know you don't want to be suffering from any more diseases right now but if you take a vitamin D supplement and see if you can get out for a walk or something in the middle of the day (I know, easier said than done) then it sounds trite but you might just feel a bit better.

Hoping you find something which you can chill to, even if it is reading this forum! Good luck TTC!

[Yuzu]

I wish I could give you a giant hug, or at least do a load of laundry for you! It seems like when one bad thing happens, a dozen more pile on. Like little_quickstepper said, January is such a depressing month. Hopefully February will be better for you!

[Tiggerian]

Thank you for your replies.

It's not a winter depression though. It is purely reaction to having been diagnosed with this flaming brain tumour and not being able to cope well with the symptoms. It's like being newly pregnant (nausea, fatigue), having permanent migraine (badly) and being in labour (as it raises the hormone that gives contractions during labour causing my uterus to contract like in labour).

It's completely steam rolling me and nothing I try help. Anti sickness pills don't help, pain killers don't help.. to be honest, the only thing I haven't tried is being hit with an anvil!

I'm doing better today, although I've had to take a day off from College as I'm just too poorly after spending a night in company with my bathroom, again! I'm so tired I think I'm just going to crawl into bed and curl into a ball, have a little pity party for one!

I do wish my partner would be more sympathetic. He got quite annoyed when I said I wasn't going... he just doesn't get how sick I feel all the time. Just because I don't moan about it constantly or lie in bed all day, doesn't mean i'm not feeling it. I just means I'm trying to cope with it as best as I can, and since he goes to bed as soon as he gets a little cough he doesn't get it.

[little_quickstepper]

Oh my gosh, Tiggerian, I didn't know the extent of your symptoms, I'm so sorry about what you've been diagnosed with!! I can't believe your partner isn't giving you the time of day and instead he's behaving like you're the one who has the man flu!

Here's a virtual <hug> and I'm sure you'll get many more from here, I've found everyone here so far has been so understanding and helpful!

Hope your kids are being less troublesome today too!