My mom upset me AGAIN

[Claire33]

My mom always talks about things being different with a daughter than with a son. She has two daughters and one son, and ironically I don't have a very good relationship with my mom, and neither do my brother and sister. She grew up with a sister and two brothers. She's always talked about how it's different if your daughter has a child than your son, and how daughters will take care of you when you get old. It's probably the main reason for me being desperate for a girl, apart from the fact that I want to have a GOOD mother-daughter relationship in my life, rather than the bad one I have.

Today, AGAIN, she talked about an old lady she knew who lost her only daughter 20 years ago, and has 4 sons left. She felt so sorry for the lady who lost her only daughter, because "you know, sons aren't that caring towards elderly parents". And how another lady she knows lost her only daughter and has no contact with her son. Now this lady depends on volunteers to take her to doctor's appointments etc. And on and on she went on how daughters are so much better than sons when you are old.

I have 3 sons, no daughters, doesn't she think that what she says affects me? Doesn't she realize that she ruined my day with her comments?

I'm so sad

[Mrsandmama]

Oo mama I'm soo sorry! My mom says rude comments sometimes about how she so wished I had a daughter and how I'm missing out. Seriously, the truth of the matter is, it is how you raise your children to act and the values you teach them that helps them to be the adults they will become. If you teach your child to be loving and respectful to older people than them, then they will, HOPEFULLY!, be that way when they are older. Oo and btw, my MIL HATES her own mother as does her sister. They DESPISE her and often talk about when she goes how their lives will be easier and better. So so sad.

[carameline]

Sending you some hugs first.

And second, I work as a nurse on an elderly female ward. I have to say that this 'only daughters care for their old parents' is pretty much wrong. I am reassured on a daily basis by all the lovely sons that visit their mums and show such care and concern. Just as much as the daughters, seriously!

Its the relationship you have with them that matters on this one, not gender

[atomic sagebrush]

The reason she is saying that has nothing to do with your family situation, it's because she's trying to manipulate/guilt you into being a more dutiful daughter.

I can tell you that in my family, it is largely the sons doing the caretaking for the family. My husband has just spent the last 6 months driving back and forth across the state, helping renovate his mom's house for her elderly years, and the entire 2 years before that, he and my (at the time) 17 year old son helped to caretake for his dying father. My son actually lived with them for 5 months to help, even though my husband's sister lived next door to them. My uncle took care of my one set of grandparents (sister lived far away), my dad took care of my other grandparents (no sibling), my husband's grandparents were also both taken care of by their sons rather than their daughters, even tho both have daughters. This is just a bunch of bunk and don't read anything into it at all.

[Adia]

I agree with Atomic...she's just trying to guilt you.
My mom has 4DD & 3DS and she has made it very clear she doesn't want the girls to help as she and my dad are getting older. She only wants the boys help....no wonder she has a crappy relationship with all her DDs!

[Claire33]

Thanks for the replies ladies!

I never thought of it that way, that my mother is actually trying to guilt me. Why haven't I seen that before?! Whenever she goes on about mother-daughter relationships, I instinctively pull away, which she probably notices. We have had quite a few conflicts, but now I just keep a distance. This is probably her way of trying to suck me in.... Thanks for that insight!

[Quad7114]

Sending you some hugs first.

And second, I work as a nurse on an elderly female ward. I have to say that this 'only daughters care for their old parents' is pretty much wrong. I am reassured on a daily basis by all the lovely sons that visit their mums and show such care and concern. Just as much as the daughters, seriously!

Its the relationship you have with them that matters on this one, not gender

I take care of men and women with dementia. Majority of the children that take care of their parent is the son. I think a son can handle it better than a daughter b/c of emotions and their parent aging. Out of 24 patients only 3 are daughters that come in and help their Mom.

[Taylor]

I'm so sorry. Comments like that right now would kill me. I am not sad to have two little boys. I am sad to someday have two adult sons who keep me distant from their lives and families. Your mom should be more sensitive.

[motherofboys]

There is not a good history of mother daughter relationships in my family. I see my Mum once or twice a year, my brothers see her almost daily.
In my hubbys family, his dad is one of 3 boys, 2 of them rally round to help their Mum who is in her 90s. Hubby has 1 brother and 1 sister, his sister rarely makes an effort to see their parents, his brother and him visit at leas once a week, phone through the week and as his parents are in their 70s they help with odd jobs round the house.
I really do not believe that women are closer to their Mums or look after their Mums in old age any better than men do. My experience has been that the girls leave and join a new family, the men don't leave, they bring in a wife and extend the family.
I have 4 boys and desperately want a girl, I'd love a chance to put the poor mother and daughter relationship right for me. Most of the things I want from having a daughter probably wouldn't happen anyway, with 4 big brothers and a not very girly Mum she'd be a little tomboy no doubt.

[Pandora1]

So sorry you are feeling this way. I do have to tell you I have 2 daughters and 2 sons. I have a pretty close relationship with my youngest daughter but.... I know in my heart when my husband or I get older and
Need help it will be out youngest son. I am closer to him than the others and he is so sweet and loving.. No doubt he will be there for us.