Deleted

[pink_bean]

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[familymatters]

I think you're over-analyzing here. People often on this site will say they feel blessed to receive their DG. It's definitely not meant in a way superior way or to hurt other members struggling with GD. What are they meant to say that wouldn't affect you? Don't fixate on word blessed or lucky. IMO they are perfectly valid emotions to feel when you find out your expecting your DG. Doesn't mean you personally shouldn't feel blessed or lucky to have your current children. I think it would be a shame if the ladies on here had to start feeling as though they needed to monitor what they expressed on here. I think 99.9% of the time everyone is very respectful.

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[familymatters]

Sorry pink_bean i didn't mean to invalidate you, it's just that many members on here use those turn of phrases to describe their happiness. I wrongly assumed you were including them in your vent. Although I can't relate to your sentiments, I'm sure another member will so don't stop posting etc just because I don't agree. Not trying to diminish your GD in the slightest, just wanted you to try and see that people aren't trying to be superior when they say they feel blessed or lucky.

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[familymatters]

Since I know feel I need to clarify, I'm coming from a point of view of where people who get a girl after a boy get called or call themselves "lucky" or "blessed" whereas many of us where offered condolenses or told better luck next time, when announcing another child if the same gender. It's hurtful, yes. Is it meant to be? Maybe not. But expressing how it's painful to me is therapeutic. I was not referring to people on this board who have also suffered GD getting their GD in the end. Just noting a double standard.

OK well that's a fair bit different to what you originally posted. And yes I know exactly what you mean because the same people said that to me when I had Ds - how lucky, clever etc I was to have a pigeon pair. As if I had had another DD it wouldn't have been as wonderful. So yes I do understand that that is hurtful.

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[familymatters]

Maybe more detailed but not different.

Yes some of those details though painted a very different picture (to me)

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[familymatters]

Im sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel unsupported. It's tough having to deal with the many millions of idiots that walk around out there saying insensitive things. I can include myself in those idiots today as I've upset you. Sorry hun xx

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[Hopefully Pink]

Pink-bean, I completely understand how you feel. This forum is a place free of those judgements but out in the real world I feel like my 2 boys are viewed as the least desirable kiddo combo by random strangers and even friends. When I was pregnant with my 2nd son people would ask if I was having a girl, when I said no the response was always "too bad..." Followed by "well at least you won't have to buy new clothes" or "at least you won't have to deal with those horrible teen years" etc. It was always pity and I never shared my GD so this was never invited. I have 12 Mom's in my play group and I am the only one without a daughter and I am the only one who gets asked if I will try for a 3rd to get a girl. The assumption being, if you have a pp then why would you want a 3rd. It is hard, especially since I really try to push my GD out of mind on a daily basis but somedays the comment of a stranger will catch me off guard. I love my boys like crazy and I often think that if others reflected a more positive view of an all boy family that I might have an easier time dealing with my GD. Hope you have a better day tomorrow...I had a rough one today too.


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[Complex Emotions]

Does anyone else feel offended, hurt or slighted when people call themselves blessed to have their DG and/ or especially a pp? Or "lucky". It implies the rest of us were not in God's favor (or whoever they believe to be doing the "blessing") I'm not trying to start a religious debate but I know so many of us feel we were "undeserving" of our DG or we blame ourselves when really it's biology not "karma." I know that saying one is blessed is meant as expressing gratitude but when it comes to getting the gender you want it just smacks of a superiority complex. It's just which sperm won the race. Of course, it could be the GD talking but I too feel blessed to have my sons. Just a rant.

Yes, I feel you on this pink_bean.

I don't like "blessed" or "luck" because they imply one version of events is better than another. I'm more comfortable thinking that everyone's life is somehow "even" or "equal". Like maybe all the suffering someone does is balanced by their resulting depth of awareness or some kind of an intense beauty they'll find through their sorrow. I myself was deeply depressed and alone for many years, but in some ways those years are very special to me and have added a richness to the way I now experience life.

We both long for a daughter, but in the long run there is joy and fulfillment in parenting our son(s). Who is to say that having a daughter is more of a blessing than another son? I mean, just because you want something that doesn't make it better. We truly don't have a way to know which would bring our lives the most joy.

I suspect humans have a biological imperative to experience raising a child of both genders. Some people feel it way way more than others. Most pregnant women with two or more kids would probably prefer to get the gender they don't already have. All this seems logical, so I try not to be offended if someone says something like "I bet you're hoping for a girl". Wanting a girl after a boy is a natural desire that most people understand... still, for whatever reason, I'm personally not comfortable admitting that they're right.

I wish you all the best pink_bean

[Complex Emotions]

...out in the real world I feel like my 2 boys are viewed as the least desirable kiddo combo by random strangers and even friends...

I'm so afraid of this specific perception.

I wonder though, if almost all moms sometimes feel like their family is "the least desirable" in one way or another. There are SO many ways to not be the "gold standard ideal". For example, a lot of parents may be self-conscious if their children/family are:

- low-income
- unattractive
- adopted
- step-children
- have a disability or mental health issue
- single parent
- single child (or "too many" children)
- too wide of an age gap between kids
- the parents had the kids "too young" or "too old"
- multiples like twins or triplets

Gender is just one of so many ways your family could seem less than ideal. I could almost guarantee you that every other mom in your play group probably feels like their family is "less than" for one reason or another.

Also, two boy families are a HUGE percentage of the families out there. It seems like at least 25% of all families with two or more kids are all boy. So, even if this were to be the "least desirable combination" in contemporary society's eyes, at least everyone who has an all boy family is in good company! It's certainly not a rare thing.

I'm sorry if this comes of as glib. I've actually felt a lot of stress over the exact issue you wrote about and my heart is trying to think all this through in preparation for whatever is to come.

[Hopefully Pink]

I'm so afraid of this specific perception. I'm preparing to conceive our second child with a husband who comes from a family that has a long run of all boy births.

I wonder though, if almost all moms sometimes feel like their family is "the least desirable" in one way or another. There are SO many ways to not be the "gold standard ideal". For example, a lot of parents may be self-conscious if their children/family are:

- low-income
- unattractive
- adopted
- step-children
- have a disability or mental health issue
- single parent
- single child (or "too many" children)
- too wide of an age gap between kids
- the parents had the kids "too young" or "too old"
- multiples like twins or triplets

Gender is just one of so many ways your family could seem less than ideal. I could almost guarantee you that every other mom in your play group probably feels like their family is "less than" for one reason or another.

Also, two boy families are a HUGE percentage of the families out there. It seems like at least 25% of all families with two or more kids are all boy. So, even if this were to be the "least desirable combination" in contemporary society's eyes, at least everyone who has an all boy family is in good company! It's certainly not a rare thing.

I'm sorry if this comes of as glib. I've actually felt a lot of stress over the exact issue you wrote about and my heart is trying to think all this through in preparation for whatever is to come.

Hi Complex Emotions, how exciting for you to be extending your family. I hope that your experience is positive regardless of whether you have a boy or a girl. I can only speak from my experience and I have and still encounter people who make very unfortunate comments. Everyone's experience is unique, and before being pregnant with my 2nd son I would never have believed someone could have offered condolences after asking me what I was having. It was very difficult when I was pregnant but I have developed a thick skin at this point.


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