Are you going to try for that boy?

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

I also have a similar thread on ig.

I just cannot take it any more. Today at the preschool a little girl said she wants a playdate with my dd so me the nice person that I am told the little girl I will talk to your Mommy.

So I had some small talk with the mother and I proudly said "I have 3 girls". Then she said 3 girls and I said "Yes". She had told me she also had an older son home and another older son. I did not comment to that. Then I said they are 8, 4 and 8 months. So then she said "are you done". I said "I do not know". Then she said "are you going to try for that boy"? So then I said "I am done". I said it very politely. I had my dd running around standing near the window and acting a bit wild being I was talking to somebody else.

Tomorrow when she goes on to try to push this playdate. I will not be so nice. I am going to say "I am sorry, but I am super busy with 3 small ones, but thanks so much". Why the heck should I care when they do not care when they say these things?

But anyway how do you answer these comments

Are you done? Are you going to try for that boy?

instead of saying

god bless you. You have 3 beautfiul health girls.

I would never, ever in a million years tell these people that I may try for pgd.

Even if I had a boy I would still take offense to these comments of having 3 of the same.

How can I take it just being out of curiousity. Are you going to try for that boy? How can you not get mad by that or irritated by it? How?

The thing is I get it all the time so are all these people just morons or is it me?

[nuthinbutpink]

I honestly think people just don't know what to say, society thinks we should all have one boy and one girl and anything that varies from that draws attention.

You know I am a mom of 3 girls and was for 8 years. So, BTDT. Nothing I said to any parent, stranger, old lady, cashier, checkout clerk, etc ever made me feel any better. It was something that I figured out that I had to make peace with myself before I could move past someone's comments.

Having said that, if you want to get your point across, silence the offender and nip it, when someone says that to you, I would respond with something like "When you ask me if I am going to try for a boy, it sounds like you think there is something wrong with the 3 beautiful children that I have and they are not good enough. I can look you in your eyes and tell you that they are good enough for us and when you ask me that question, it is hurtful because you make an assumption that what we are is not okay."

That ought to have them backpeddling until they hit a wall.

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

I honestly think people just don't know what to say, society thinks we should all have one boy and one girl and anything that varies from that draws attention.

You know I am a mom of 3 girls and was for 8 years. So, BTDT. Nothing I said to any parent, stranger, old lady, cashier, checkout clerk, etc ever made me feel any better. It was something that I figured out that I had to make peace with myself before I could move past someone's comments.

Having said that, if you want to get your point across, silence the offender and nip it, when someone says that to you, I would respond with something like "When you ask me if I am going to try for a boy, it sounds like you think there is something wrong with the 3 beautiful children that I have and they are not good enough. I can look you in your eyes and tell you that they are good enough for us and when you ask me that question, it is hurtful because you make an assumption that what we are is not okay."

That ought to have them backpeddling until they hit a wall.

But should I say something like that at the preschool? Then does it make me look like I am the oversensitive person?

It is just like I disassociate myself with just so many mothers at the preschool because every time I say that I have 3 girls, I have to get something a--anin- said to me.

I even got "oh your husband will force you to try for that boy".

Like one grandmother I stay with just said "oh you have 1 boy" with an accent being her English is not good, but it was not so offensive like the other mothers said.

I am trying to now present it and say it proud like "I have 3 girls". And that is just not working. I find myself coming home being angry.

When you have say 3 or 4 of one gender then an opposite, does it shut people up, or do they still have dumb things to say?

Thanks so much.

[nuthinbutpink]

They still make comments. It's just not the same sting because I have a boy too now. I could certainly let it bother me and I do not know if I would have been able to totally get to a point where it didn't bother me had I not had him but I don't think people that make comments are intentionally trying to hurt me. Most just can't relate, have never been in my shoes, and they say the first thing that comes to mind.

I think telling them that you hear that a lot and it's hard not to get your feelings hurt or that you don't really know how to respond to that question when people say that is totally fine to say. You can smile when you say it!

[atomic sagebrush]

Yes, I totally understand what you're talking about! It does get old. SO VERY OLD LOL. I agree with nuthinbutpink though, I have made snappy comebacks and somehow walked away feeling WORSE than I had to begin with.

Sometimes, living well is really the best revenge of all. I do think that sometimes, all one gender families are actually somewhat better in terms of expectations and stereotypes, for kids to grow up in...instead of having to be the "boy" and the "girl" and having all their parents' expectations resting on their shoulders, they can be "the artistic one" or "the jock" or "the bookworm" and it's nice that they aren't just defined by their gender. And if their parent had different dreams for their child, then maybe a brother or sister can pick up some of the slack...so a tomboy doesn't feel so bad about herself if her mom was expecting a princess. There is room for the princess and the tomboy. Does that make any sense??

[nuthinbutpink]

Yes, I totally understand what you're talking about! It does get old. SO VERY OLD LOL. I agree with nuthinbutpink though, I have made snappy comebacks and somehow walked away feeling WORSE than I had to begin with.

Sometimes, living well is really the best revenge of all. I do think that sometimes, all one gender families are actually somewhat better in terms of expectations and stereotypes, for kids to grow up in...instead of having to be the "boy" and the "girl" and having all their parents' expectations resting on their shoulders, they can be "the artistic one" or "the jock" or "the bookworm" and it's nice that they aren't just defined by their gender. And if their parent had different dreams for their child, then maybe a brother or sister can pick up some of the slack...so a tomboy doesn't feel so bad about herself if her mom was expecting a princess. There is room for the princess and the tomboy. Does that make any sense??

That is very well put. Yes, I totally agree that each of my girls is different and I don't have expectations like I now DO for my DS. God help him. I have already mapped out his entire life

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

Yes, I totally understand what you're talking about! It does get old. SO VERY OLD LOL. I agree with nuthinbutpink though, I have made snappy comebacks and somehow walked away feeling WORSE than I had to begin with.

Sometimes, living well is really the best revenge of all. I do think that sometimes, all one gender families are actually somewhat better in terms of expectations and stereotypes, for kids to grow up in...instead of having to be the "boy" and the "girl" and having all their parents' expectations resting on their shoulders, they can be "the artistic one" or "the jock" or "the bookworm" and it's nice that they aren't just defined by their gender. And if their parent had different dreams for their child, then maybe a brother or sister can pick up some of the slack...so a tomboy doesn't feel so bad about herself if her mom was expecting a princess. There is room for the princess and the tomboy. Does that make any sense??

Hi Atomic,

Yes it makes sense. You always post such wonderful things and are so helpful and nice. Really.

And I understand what you are saying about even if you say something snippy, it does not always make you feel better. I guess it has to come within. With me, it does not though. At least not now.

[Lilac♥]

I usually say something honest back. Like "I wish it was that easy to just try again and end up with a boy, but with my luck I'd just have another girl." Because I really do want a boy, and I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy with my 4 girls. I mean I am happy with them, but I still want a boy in our family. If they offended me I let them know, but not in a mean snippy way. Just like "yeah I wanted a boy all along, but this is what I've ended up with."

[nuthinbutpink]

Hi Atomic,

Yes it makes sense. You always post such wonderful things and are so helpful and nice. Really.

And I understand what you are saying about even if you say something snippy, it does not always make you feel better. I guess it has to come within. With me, it does not though. At least not now.

There's nothing wrong with that, NY. I didn't start accepting things until after I had a cancelled cycle and then after my BFN. Not until then did I start to feel like, pkay, if this is it, I need to find something to do. I think part of my problem was all the focus I had put on my kids, how I had let them define me- I used to be someone before I had kids, believe it or not! I remember looking at my DH once when we were in the middle of an argument about my state of mind at some point and I said aloud- This is not ME. This is not who I am, who I was. This is what I am right now when nothing I do is ABOUT me. It's not forever, it is what it is, but that is what it was like for me at that point. Nothing in my life was about me- but that's what happens when you have kids and you pour everything in to them. It doesn't have to be though. I love my kids more than myself but I have to have something in my life that is about me too.

I started to realize all of this with the BFN of all things. I knew I did have the FET coming up and my perspective now is obviously different since I have my son, and I speak from that point of view which is biased, but I did start to find some peace going through the IVF process and finding it difficult to manage and forcing myself to look beyond what was right now and find something that I wanted to do.

It takes time though and you may never move past the feeling of longing, feeling that there has been a loss, even a death but it's not something that just happens overnight and there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do.

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

I usually say something honest back. Like "I wish it was that easy to just try again and end up with a boy, but with my luck I'd just have another girl." Because I really do want a boy, and I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy with my 4 girls. I mean I am happy with them, but I still want a boy in our family. If they offended me I let them know, but not in a mean snippy way. Just like "yeah I wanted a boy all along, but this is what I've ended up with."

But being honest, you do not feel that you are giving them the satisfaction that you are not happy? And do you feel comfortable telling people you do not really know that? See I am not. I never want to give them the satisfaction to tell them that I am not happy. Like I feel who are they to get into my inner feelings about myself. You are brave. I would only admit my true feeling here on the forums or to my people I consider very, very close.

After you tell them what you said above, do you feel worse or better?