Regrets...

[NeedAGirl!]

So here I am with my BEAUTIFUL daughter who is 2.5 weeks old. She is all I ever dreamed of and when I look at her, I am filled with joy and gratitude. Since finding out I was going to have my long awaited DD, the pain of GD has been fading quickly. In fact, I made tons of progress before starting my sway. However, it is hard to shake off the final lingering regrets.

With DS2 I had GD pretty bad. When I should have been filled with this same joy over a healthy baby I was sad, tearful, researching swaying and looking towards the next baby. He was exclusively BF so of course, I spent a lot of time with him. He was loved, clothed, diapered, fed, etc but looking back, I wasn't fully "there." I see pics of me and feel like the smile was forced, even worse, I see pics of him as a baby and cant really remember the moment.

DS2 is such a sweet, funny, lovable guy and I don't want him to ever feel like he was not as wanted or loved as much as her. I know I cant undo what's been done. He is 5 and all I can hope is that he will only remember being loved. I guess I am just mourning what could have been. I know God can take this pain from me too just as He has answered my prayers and revealed His love.

I know first hand just how hard it is but I pray for all of you that you are able to do better than I did. I don't want any of you having the regrets I do....

[hotdogz&boyz]

Don't beat yourself up. For HUNDREDS of reasons, from GD to lack of sleep, to PPD to a move happening...we all have times in our children's lives where we feel "absent" or "not fully there." And you know what, that's the beauty of kids, they don't remember the specifics of their first few years. It's a very elegant design. While we stumble through, trying to get it right, they are only feeling the steadiness of us being near them. They are only remembering your smell, the sound of you talking to them, and how you met their needs when they needed them met. They don't remember you crying from lack of sleep or being preoccupied with something you can't get out of your mind (swaying). They don't remember the time you punched the bathroom door from frustration. They dont know that you had some misgivings of if you were "good enough" for them. Because you were "good enough"...you were there...and even if you dont remember loving every second (who does??) you did enjoy moments with him and he wouldn't be that fun, loving, sweet little five-year-old you see today if he felt the apathy and disappointment you felt for not having a daughter.

It is fabulous that you got your DG. But try to be nice to yourself about the past. You can't change it and it won't help to feel guilty for it. Just enjoy your three healthy, happy children and love them for who they are. You will all be fine.

[ber_waves_of]

Wow, hotdogz, that is BEAUTIFUL and totally made me tear up! <3

[fish2012]

great post need a girl, hope to join you with my gd coming true but i am not going to waste time not enjoying those first few months (for me for the last time) if it's another boy as i suspect

hotdogs&boyz been off here for a while as it was sending me a lill crazy! so hadn't heard your news congrats so pleased for you (i hope to have the same family make up ;-0

[BabyLemon]

Please don't look back & regret.. Look forward & make new memorys x

[prettyinpink18]

I have to say I completely get what you are saying. I look back with HUGE regrets, it is time I can never get back. My gd was the worst around 2006-2007 and those memories are seared into my head. The guilt stills eats at me today if I allow myself to think about it too much. I was failing at high tech and a sil had a baby girl for her first. It was an awful time, but I wince when I look back and think of how that time is lost forever and nothing can fix it. I try to rationalize that I was doing the best I could at the time, but I am sure I will live with the guilt and regrets forever.

[Tree]

Thank you! Lovely post and very important message. I will do better to treasure every moment. Congratulations on your little girl. You must feel entirely complete now.

[Mathilde]

Every single word written could have been my own. Thank you.
I have yet to have a daughter though..
Mathilde

[NeedAGirl!]

I thought I would give you all a quick update! My daughter is about to be 6 months old - amazing how time flies. She is such an amazing joy! I can tell you my GD is completely cured! I still have passing regrets about the boys, but it is fading too. We are all so in love with her! She has allowed me to really appreciate my boy's "boyness" while adoring her girlyness!

She has really changed me and made me see what is important in life. I have lived 1200 miles away from my family since I was 18 (I am 37) and we are moving back! (I never in my life imagined I would) How could I not share this amazing gift from God with all those people who love her. I have also just changed my last name to my husband's last name after 17 years of marriage. I guess I just really feel like my family is complete!

So I am still humbled and fall on my knees grateful that I have a God who loves me and answers prayer!!! The evidence is sitting in my arms!!

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