Going over your "number" to get your desired gender

[belleweather]

Hi there. This is my first post, although I've been reading for a while. So please forgive me if this is the wrong forum.

DH and I have three boys, 7, 5, and almost 18 months. When we got married we decided (after a lot of conversations, considering he originally wanted one...) to have three kids. For the last 10 years we've been dreaming and thinking and planning for three. But... we both always assumed that one of those three would be a girl.

I wouldn't trade my little guy for a million, billion girls. But I had a really tough time after our 20 week scan with that pregnancy and it didn't let up after his birth. So now we're trying to decide if it's worth going over our agreed-upon number to have a baby girl. To be clear: We'd go straight to High Tech, do not pass go. I freely admit that we want a gender more than a baby... if we'd had a girl instead of my wonderful, perfect littlest boy, we'd be over the moon happy with three.

On one hand, our family of five feels solid and manageable. And there are a million reasons not to add to it -- I work internationally so we travel A LOT. Another child means not only another airline ticket, but going to two hotel rooms and having to rent a larger car, so it makes everything more expensive. It would mean going up a bedroom in the condo we're looking at buying (for vacation/home leave property) or when we're renting a home in the US. It would mean another college education as well, and we're not real sure how we're paying for the three we have to go to college! Another baby seems to grow all the expenses and considering that we're mostly stuck on one income due to visa regulations, that's a not-inconsiderable problem. Plus, we're not religious so there's a lot of cultural pressure against large families. Our parents and friends would be horrified (some of them already are, since we have three instead of the more accepted one or two.) and not at all supportive.

Plus, I'm 35 and not getting any younger. It seems like all the logical, hard-fact based reasons argue for not going over three. And normally, I'm the kind of gal who listens to those reasons, who sucks it up and does what she's supposed to and doesn't let herself have something just 'cause she wants it.

On the other hand, I want to be mama to a little girl. Not even to dress her in pink or anything, but because I love being a woman and would love to share and pass that down to another woman, to see her grow and come into herself. There's also an argument that it might be better for us to have a bigger family -- we move to new countries every 2-4 years for work, so siblings are the only stable playmates my kids have. And there's a part of me that has always envied the big families of my parents generation (Grandma had 5, other grandma had 4) and the loud, noisy chaos of aunts and uncles and cousins that our kids don't get because neither my or DH's siblings have partners or intentions of having kids. I've mostly tried to live my life in such a way as to minimize regrets, and I know I would regret not having a daughter for the rest of my life.

I know there's got to be other women who have wrestled with this same dilemma and solved it one way or the other. I could really used the benefit of your been there, thought about that advice.

[Gimmeapinkone]

We originally only wanted 2 kids. After we had our 2 boys we decided to try again. At the time I told myself its because we wanted another baby and not because I wantd a girl. Well now looking back after having my 3rd boy I realise it was more about gender than the baby.

I didn't even really factor in having a 3rd boy, I thought for sure that it would be a girl. I was absolutley devastated when we found out but knew 3 was our number. Dh got the snip after ds3 was born. I think it was mostly because I knew that I would want to try for a girl again but didn't want to have 4 kids.

Anyway fastforward to now, 12 months down the track and we are planning to go ht to get our girl.

I still am not keen on the idea of having 4 kids but like all of our other kids, you just make things work and you adapt. And I know that will be the case when we have our girl.

I think the regrets I would feel about not at least trying to have our girl would outweigh the adjustment to having 4 kids.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I hope that help you in some way :-)

[RKT Mama]

I could have written most of your post.
We planned on 3 kids and even though DS3 was a boy, I thought he was my last and had a Mirena put in.
But I couldn't get over not having a girl. By the time he was 18 months old I was planning my international "holiday" for IVF around the date I wanted her to be born.
About 2 months before we were due to leave a baby girl came up for adoption and for a while it looked like it may work out, but it didn't.
Unfortunately our cycle of IVF failed and while the option was there to try again, it would take time to get enough leave and money to try again.
We looked back into adoption, local and international and fostering but every time I thought I was getting somewhere the door would close.
Eventually I landed up swaying and I was lucky that it worked for me. However it was a very long and stressful TTC and pregnancy.
I thought I was ok with a baby but once I was pregnant I really regretted not going HT again as I was not okay with a boy.

My baby girl is a month old and while she is still just a newborn and not "girly" yet, it is like a piece of me is now complete. I can enjoy her brothers and project my girl hopes on to her.

At the same time, 4 kids is hard work and as the oldest gets into teenage hood, very expensive. My kids will miss out on some things because there are 4 of them but hopefully it will be work it.

We have had quite a few negative reactions to having 4 kids. My father is still pretty unimpressed (but smart enough to keep quet) but overall people are too busy with their own lives to really care unless it affects them directly.

I have noticed that people seem to have celebrated this baby a lot more than DS3, I am not sure if that is the girl thing or just different circumstances.

From what you have written above it sounds like you are pretty switched on and logical. Your circumstances actually sound perfect to go HT for your girl although as I and others have learnt, the HT journey is a bit longer and more complex for some than others. Good luck with your decision

[1+2+3boys]

Sounds like you have answered your own question towards the end of your post. I always knew I wanted three kids but am willing to go only one over that to have a daughter. I want a girl so much and if I were in your position I would be doing that HT but it is not really an option for us. People say you regret the children you don't have not the ones you do and you always make work with what you have because you have to. Lucky for me DP wants one more and I have to at least try so I am not wondering the rest of my life. I did not sway with any of my boys and I would rather try and fail then always wonder. If one or both of the twins had been a girl then I would be done. I can not accept going through life without having a daughter. I too love being female and it is heartbreaking thinking I may not get to 'make my own woman'

[nuthinbutpink]

The guarantee is everything. It is much more expensive with 4 than three. Traveling with 4 is not the same as 3 because you no longer fit into a hotel room.

But, it is hard to put a price on your dream so if you have the means to go HT, go for it.

[hotdogz&boyz]

Despite all of the more "logical" reasons...if you have a way to make the desires of your heart become reality, I would do it.

[belleweather]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts.

I'm pretty sure that it's the travel thing that is holding me up -- the extra airline ticket every time we want to go home (when I just dropped nearly $3000 on air fare, and the littlest is still a lap baby, UGH) would make it hard to see relatives and make good on promises we made to our boys about going to summer camps and seeing their grandparents and godfather regularly. The hotel issue is mostly a problem in the U.S. where for some reason we're married to the 'one hotel room, two beds' model more than anywhere else. But we GO to the U.S. a lot, because that's where HOME is, so it's no laughing matter.

I don't know. DH has some ideas about starting a business for himself that would let him work regardless of whether he can legally work in the countries we live in -- if he were bringing in income (ANY income!) I think it would be an easier decision to make.

And we're new to this job and expat lifestyle and don't really know how it's going to effect us long-term. When I think about whether we would have gone for four if we were living at home in the U.S. it's an almost obvious yes. Our house (which we're selling) would easily fit four kids, and with my husband working and us not traveling all the damned time, the financials would make significantly more sense.

[ocean]

I'm considering the same question, except from 2 to 3. We don't have the expat/travel concerns, but would have substantially larger childcare costs, need to move to a larger apartment, and the biggie of the college education, etc etc. But one of the things I'm sort of stuck on besides managing 3 kids over the long run - the dr appts, school mtgs, homework etc, and what that could mean for my career and sanity - is how we're going to do our long car trips to visit family. So I can understand where you're coming from as you think about travel.

Though unless you're making LOTS of trips to the US per year (like more than 3?), even with another ticket and hotel room, you could probably manage that increased cost with some careful budgeting. Esp if your husband started making an income. I'd at least want to add up what $ amount that cost is and really look at it. And as your 3 kids get bigger, wouldn't you eventually want 2 hotel rooms so people aren't all over each other?

I think I'm answering my own question by answering yours -- which is I think you should go for it. We know these costs are small in the grand scheme of paying for a kid over the decades, and that there are so many benefits to outweigh the budgeting needed. Our boys will benefit a huge amount by having a sister, by having that perspective in their lives. Your youngest son will have a sibling much closer to his age to go through life with. No matter if HT works or not, you will hopefully fell more at peace that you tried, and not live with the regret that you didn't try for your dream. Regret, I find, is really what's hard to accept, not the reality of my (overall pretty great) life.

We both work FT, with the hours and sacrifices and stress that comes with it. We deserve to go for our dreams. We're working so hard to make the dreams of our family members possible - our own should be in there somewhere too.

[1+2+3boys]

I guess the question to ask is how much do you REALLY want a daughter? Is it a sore feeling that you can brush aside with telling yourself how lucky you are because of A, B and C or is it something that really pulls at your heart strings painfully? I think 3 to 4 is a biggy, for one because you can no longer get a standard car that seats three kids across the back and we don't have much money. I have to really think how much will it be worth it to have a daughter, worth the slightly less time my sons will get from me? It will make me happier so that has to be a good thing right. At the momment I am still dreaming so don't care about the consequences, I just want one girl. I wish I could do HT though for that garentee. Imagine going through it all 'just' to get another boy

[PlanB]

Yes we revised our number. It is worth it if it works.