EXTREME Gender Envy and Desire

[crazydesperatelady]

My best friend and I both wanted daughters, as our families are very boy-heavy.
We ended up giving birth to boys within months of each other, around 3 years ago. Needless to say we are both madly in love with our little dudes.
Now she is pregnant again and my DH and I are supposed to start TTCing in 2 months time. She has just announced after her 20 week scan that she is having a baby girl. She is beyond ecstatic and so is her husband and the entire family. She was literally the only person I knew that did not have a DD yet. So now it is just me and the pressure I feel "to join the club" is enormous. It like it has just multiplied 10 times. My husband does not want more than 2 children and I am already in my 30s so this will be it for me.
I have to admit it here, because there is no one in RL I would dare to divulge it to. I felt so completely gutted after her announcement, I was literally shaking. It was a physical reaction. My heart was pounding when I saw a message from her on my phone. I know this is horrible but there was absolutely nothing I could do to feel any other way. I tried for months to prepare myself for this but it did not work. I counted my blessings, I pretended not to care because it was not my baby and it was all for naught. I still felt totally gutted. Ok, so I am a bad person, but I can't help it. I could have another boy or 2 if there was at least ONE person in my circle of friends that had boys only.
I have researched HT but my husband will never agree to this because there isn't even a guarantee of a pregnancy after you dump in 20,000$. Adoption is just too expensive. All I can afford is Ericsson's, which does not have great success rate, if any.
Throughout my life having first a sister and then a daughter has literally been my biggest dream. I ended up with 2 brothers and my dear little son . My friends announcement and my reaction to it made me realize how desperate I really am about this. The love I feel for my son is simply overwhelming but I would also give an arm and a leg to have a little girl.. If you offered me a million dollars OR a girl of my own, I would choose the latter without any hesitation. That's how badly I want it. And having to watch everybody get what I want so badly, month after month, just like that, no swaying & no HT is really hard.
I am now enormously anxious about TTC-ing. I cant think about anything else. I feel like having another boy will make me beyond depressed and utterly miserable. I feel like even waiting for gender scan will be torture. On the other hand, I cannot delay this any longer as I am not getting any younger.
Please do not judge me, I wish I wouldnt feel this way, I really do.
If anyone has been through this - everybody around them getting their DG - kindly please offer some advice?

[Little Lunasa]

Although I haven't the words to fully comfort and reassure you, I can tell you without hesitation you have come to the right place for support and advice. You will find tonnes of information and statistics on swaying here, as well as the option to get individual and personal help.
I wish you the best of luck and peace with your decisions xxxx

[Rosie85]

This is the right place to come. I feel exactly the way you do. I too would pass on a million dollars for a daughter. I'm pregnant with my last and if it isn't a girl...I will still love the boy a ton but I will just die of heartbreak for never having a daughter. I get so envious and angry when I see everyone I know get one or more of each. This is a wonderful site and hopefully we can all help you to sway for your dream daughter!

[hotdogz&boyz]

Gosh, I've been in that place. It's a horrible spot to be in

When I was pregnant with my second, my cousin was expecting his first with a new lady (he already had children with other women, but not ones he saw much). We were only due a month apart and were both thinking pink. I remember when he texted me to tell me they were having a girl...I was so sad. I just KNEW mine was a boy. And they got exactly what they wanted right off the bat and I wasn't going to. I felt so guilty for not feeling happy for them. Most of my cousins also had mixed gender children, so I was feeling like I would be the only one with a hoard of boys and no daughter. And, I ended up being right, I was having my second son (who ended up being no less than perfectly delightful, of course. But that isn't the issue).

Be gentle with yourself. You can't help being envious. Envy is not a bad emotion. It means we have dreams and goals that are in line with those of other people. It doesn't mean you didn't want HER to get a girl...you just want one ALSO. That is a hugely different thing than wishing her ill and that she didn't get a girl at all. I know you wouldn't be feeling this way if you had a "guaranteed girl" coming down the pike. And that doesn't make you horrible or selfish. It just makes you human.

And this surely is the place to be. Most the women here have experienced desire, disappointment, envy, and sometimes even jealousy (like when someone pops out EXACTLY what they want, in the EXACT order they want it and you are just like....grrrrr, they need to NOT get what they want just once to know how this feels!). No one here is going to judge you for your feelings

Have you looked into swaying? Although its not the guarantee that HT would give you, it could make you feel like you at least have the leg up and did what you could to get a daughter. Hang around here for a bit, you'll find out a ton and hopefully you won't feel so alone with that feeling. Hugs.

[Rosie85]

Perfectly said hotdogz.

[crazydesperatelady]

Thanks to all of you kind ladies who took the time to respond! Just knowing I am not the only one in this dark place is comforting. I am already researching swaying and, although I know it does not guarantee anything, at least I will know I did all I possibly could. Yes, of course I would be delighted to hear my friend's news if I only knew i would get a girl one day as well. I really like her and wish her the best. It is not even that I am not happy for her its more like "everyone, absolutely everyone , even her - why not me?" , "is there going to be my turn at last"? Now I also have the feeling that, with all the girls being born somebody finally HAS to have a boy at last. And that's probably going to be me. How many girls in a row can be born? How many PPs can there be in one group of people?
The sheer intensity of this gender desire simply scares me. I am sure one day it is going to end up on some list of psychological disorders, because in my case (as well as in some others I observed, lurking on In gender for example) it is just too all consuming. Heck, what difference does it REALLY make, pink clothes, blue clothes, wee wee, no wee wee, toy trucks and tea party sets. My son loves me just as much as a daughter would and I love him as I would love any girl. So it should NOT matter that much, and yet somehow it does...WHY?
Society /family pressure does not help much either.
If anybody else has a story to share I would love to hear it.
<hugs>

[Rosie85]

Because boys and girls are different. They have a different way of bonding and creating relationships. ..A different way of playing and the relationship between mother and daughter is different than the one between mother and son. We can relate to daughters..we have the same parts, feelings and experiences. I don't want to not experience the pleasure of having a daughter just like I wouldn't not want a son if I had all girls. I'm guessing this is why we feel it as a loss. It just hits some of us harder than others because for some reason perhaps we crave it more.

[sweetdream]

I know how you feel! I count the girls being Born. And think mine must be a boy again. Girls are for everyone but me. I'm pg now with a friend who desperatly wants a girl after 2 sons. I'm making myself think she will get her and I don't. Because Some ppl have all the luck. But I don't.
And then the guilt comes a long because I'm so lucky with my boys and Fam.
I just hope my luck gets completed with one DD.

[Mrs_Incredible]

I think majority of us have felt like you do, myself for many years, it's a hard dream to let go of. I'm having a girl after 3 boys, double the amount of children we imagined having. My boys are loving and wonderful. It was never about them not being good enough, because they're just perfect (for us!). But there was part of me that couldn't understand why not me!?! Even with losses along the way it didn't stop that desire being there. If I could have taken a pill for it to go away I would have because it seemed an unobtainable dream. Even this pg looked like boy #4 at my 12 week scan and I was crushed despite losing my baby at 6 weeks just before this pg. Good luck, you've come to the right place xx


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[trifecta]

You haven't even started TTC yet--you might still realize your dream! It is completely possible for every couple in a group to get a pigeon pair. I know because everyone else in my neighborhood has one! I think swaying is a good choice for you. I personally would buy a sway plan if I was going to TTC--just my 2 cents.