shouldn't be here, but I am

[needmorepink]

I am sorry to those that may be offended. I shouldn't be here, but I am. I had 3 boys before I got a dd. I had horrible gd for years. We had 2 miscarriages since dd. We are now swaying for another dd. Dh only wants another girl. He already gave me option of what I can do if it's another boy. He wants me to keep going until we get another girl. I am not even pregnant and already depressed, and having anxiety attacks, and a bad pit in my stomach over the gender of the next baby. I just know it's going to be a boy. I been cheating so bad on the diet that I might as well just not do anything. No, we are not happy with the family we already have. Sad as that sounds. Yes, we looked into HT. We can't afford it out of pocket and would need to get a loan, which he would have to work 2 jobs to pay off. Now his credit decreased 9 points for some reason so not even sure if he will qualify for that loan anymore. Even if he was it would only be for the price of one cycle, unless we went with a clinic that had a 3 cycle package, but low success rates. What are the chances of it working though for the sacrifices we would have to take? So depressed just don't know what to do.

[Claire33]

Sorry you are in this situation! I can totally understand. That is why I'm stopping at 4, not my ideal family, but better than it was. If I was younger and had the energy for 5 children I would go HT for a 2nd DD. But I'm getting too old for HT and can hardly handle 3, let alone 4 kids So 5 is out of the question, my daughter will remain sister-less.

In your case, trying for a 2nd DD without doing HT, I just wouldn't dare. I gather that your DH is suggesting an abortion if it's a boy and then try again? I really wouldn't be ok with that personally. I mean you are the one who has to live with going through an abortion, not him. I don't think it's his place to suggest aborting a baby in the first place.

I really don't know what else to say other than lots and lots of luck to you in this situation.

[atomic sagebrush]

Some people get terrible GD when they want a second daughter. I don't think anyone on this site judges anybody else over that. GD is not about what you have, it's about not getting the family that you dreamed of.

All that having been said, you aren't a helpless victim either and you can control your thoughts and feelings to some extent. Everyone on the face of the planet does have to learn to live with disappointments and things that you dreamed of that don't go your way. Over time, the feelings will diminish and you may even find that you feel good about stopping where you are eventually, maybe not right this minute but over the course of time.

Once upon a time I would have thought I"d be devastated to have just one DD in a pack of boys because I always desperately wanted a sister my own age, but now I realize that actually helps she and I to have our little "girls club" and also that she is even more special because she's "the girl". (I share that not to be offensive or hurt any feelings but just that that is my personal coping mechanism to make me feel better about what would have once really bothered me). She doesn't seem to care, she may over time but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

[needmorepink]

I wrote a whole reply but it got eaten somehow. I told dh to get a vasectomy after dd, but he would not do it. He said he is not happy right now, and will never become happy with it the way it is. He wants 2-3 more girls. I promised him ONE more. That is it! I would be happy with just one more, and that is the truth. He is fine with my promise as long as he can at least get ONE more. Not what he wanted, but said he would be happy with that. Our boys were born with genetic medical issues. The chance of another born with it goes up with each one that has it. We have two, so our chances are good that if we were to have another he would have it too. And yes, he did give "that" as a choice for me. The others were give them up for adoption or take the boys, leave and take care of them myself. We can not afford high tech out of pocket. We would have to get a loan, and would have to make huge sacrifices to pay it off. It would only give us one chance at a good clinic or 3 at a poor clinic. Most people don't have success with only one cycle. If I take the 3 cycle my chances would go down again because of their low statistics the way it is. Not sure it would be worth making everyone suffer for nothing. If it succeeded of course it would be worth it! Just found out his credit score dropped 9 points, so might not qualify anymore since we were already on the boarderline for credit score. Weird thing is nothing on his credit changed other than he paid off a loan in full and it closed. Thought that would bring credit up not down! I had 2 miscarriages since dd and feel like one of them had to be a dd. Now I feel like I am starting over and have to go through another few boys before I get an opposite again. Doesn't matter how much I sway. I know it sounds silly, but its the way I feel and how my mind is thinking at the moment. I am so depressed and been cheating more and more on the diet due to it which makes me feel even more doomed. Not sure which route or how much I can take to keep this family together!

[Jany1025]

I feel very bad for you. How much mentally can you take? He is not happy with only one daughter so the pressure is on you to conceive another daughter or terminate a male fetus?(not judging). I think I would be losing it too if these were my options to keep "the family together"! Do you even want another child??

I know you said you can only afford only one cycle or 3 at a "bad" clinic? What is your quote for a 3 cycle package for this no so good clinic?

I just think you need more of a guarantee at this point, don't know what aborting multiple male fetuses will do to you physically and mentally in the long run??

[Babygirlquest]

Honestly this sounds horrendous. Can you really face those options? Aborting a male child? Giving him up at birth? Raising five kids alone? I'm not trying to be rude but how will another daughter magically make your family complete in his eyes? I can understand he wanted girls but so do lots of us. I have four boys and may never get a girl but if I don't I will make my peace with it. You have one daughter and I can so get wanting to give her sister but not at the expense of your family and marriage.

Personally I would refuse to go along with any of this. If you can't afford high tech then in my opinion it is not worth the risk of trying naturally, especially if you have three boys already. I think what he is asking you to do is absolutely awful.

I hope it doesn't seem I'm judging you. You just seem so unhappy with all of this that I don't see how you can continue. I think you either put your foot down to no more, unless he agrees to accept another baby boy, or you do high tech. If it doesn't work maybe he will agree you are done.

[needmorepink]

That is what I don't know. I don't know how much I can take mentally or physically doing any of them. I know I couldn't raise 4 kids myself. We lost the third boy in the second trimester. Ironic thing is the report came back as normal male and prolly a fluke occurrence. The one disorder however wouldn't be determined until after birth since it is a blood disorder. We both were the happiest in our life when I was pregnant with dd and that year after. I wanted him to get a vasectomy right than and there so I would never loose my happiness, but he wouldn't. The older she is getting and the more he pesters me about getting another and falliing pregnant twice already, I'm falling back into that gd hole again. I don't feel I can get out of it now, until I get that happy ending. I know I will never get that happy ending with him until we get that second. If I don't he says he will leave and find someone who will.

[Babygirlquest]

Honestly if he is being like this about it maybe you have to assess whether you want to be married to someone like this. Without high tech there is nothing you can do to guarantee the baby is a girl. It sounds like he will blame and resent you if the baby is a boy. I feel very sad for you and your children. I hope you can find a way to get through to him xxx

[trifecta]

He is putting so very much pressure on you to achieve something over which you don't have control. I really think he needs to see a psychologist and you should probably both see a marriage counselor. I'm so sorry he's putting you in this position. It's completely unfair. It sounds like the underlying problem is that he's still having a hard time adapting to your sons' conditions.

[Claire33]

What is the reason for him wanting more girls? Is it because they will be healthy, no blood disorders? Or does he prefer girls over boys for other reasons? Why 2-3 more girls? Why not just one more girl? Is he ok with aborting boys because they will likely have a condition? How is he as a dad to your sons? Sorry for all the questions.

Sorry you are going through this sweetheart, it sounds so hard.