Losing hope :(

[1moregirl]

I really thought that I could get DH on board by now with this one last attempt but he isn't budging. At one stage before Xmas he was almost in agreeance but lately he won't even compromise. When I text him at work yday (don't do it very often) he replied with 'try the postman - but I would be with my bags by the door.' So I replied back with 'if you can't allow me one last try, then maybe you'll end up with your bags by the door anyway.' It's ridiculous. All this mucking around and I might not even get pregnant again anyway, or if I do it may end the same as it did last time. Yet I just wanted to try and he won't even come to some sort of compromise. I have tried everything, even begging and saying I will do whatever he wants me to do if he'll just agree. Should I just give up?

[signingmommyfor3]

Don't give up but give him his space. Let go of the subject for a while and just stew and hope to yourself. For 4 years DH told me No over and over, during the first year I got pregnant accidentally while on BC and he did almost leave but I lost the baby. He still continued to tell me No. I would beg and cry and bargain with him, telling him I was unhappy without trying for one more. After 3 years I dropped he subject and there would be times he would bring it up and I would state what I wanted then asked him to move on. After that he up and decided one day this summer that it was time to try for our last baby.

[atomic sagebrush]

I have no advice, just huge (((Hugs))). This as you already know, is one of my personal pet peeves. I think it's going to take an entire ferocious political movement to solve this problem, I really do. I hate the level of power men have over their wives in terms of childbearing when they are the ones who can and do have children up till their 60's and 70's. You may have read how both Jeff Goldblum and Steve Martin just had their first kids at 63 and 67 with much younger women after a string of childless marriages/relationships and I want to punch them both in the effing face. How nice for you that you can play around as much as you want basically till you're on the brink of decrepitude and still slide out a little kiddo just under the wire. WE CAN'T.

But, all that having been said, it's your husband, your family, if he's a good guy otherwise, you have three beautiful kids and if you are otherwise happy this has to be something that you may end up having to compromise on. I'm sorry, I wish I had the magic words but I don't.

[1moregirl]

Thanks ladies. And Atomic - I sooo agree with you on that note with the men. And I know what my DH is like - he gets soooo clucky when he holds a newborn baby in his arms and our third child (little boy) was conceived accidentally (we BD twice in a row - I remember for we were on holiday sharing a room with the two kids lol) - I'm sure deep down I knew it was around O time at the time but it didn't dawn on me 'in the heat of the moment.' Maybe I have to pray for an accidental miracle to happen like on that occasion. Lol! But I'll probably be pushing my luck for him to just BD without a condom. I have already joked around with him and said 'well condoms aren't 100% full proof you know my love' but he knows he would not have my consent to have a vasectomy done at this stage. Men just don't get it do they Atomic? They don't have that yearning maternal instinct that we women do. Men can often be moody creatures and lacking in patience with their kids (though they can be great dads at the same time), and I still think it's a few moments of pleasure for them BD and then 9 months of discomfort for us plus the pain of the labour and birth. I totally get that men often have the financial burden to carry that bothers them when it comes to having more kids but honestly - if we all worried about money as a factor when deciding upon another baby would any time be the right time? My DH commented to me about sleepless nights and nappy changes - I do all that, I mean, when they are newborns they only really want their mothers when they are hungry (well if they are solely breastfed babies). I am NoT giving up. I can be just as stubborn as my DH and I don't like admitting defeat when I really want something. If, by the grace of God, I was lucky enough to conceive again and carry to term, I would be one of the happiest women on earth. Even if it was our third boy, I wouldn't care, as we were lucky enough to at least experience the joy of bringing one beautiful little girl into the world. And I would know I gave it my best shot in swaying for a girl. I tried to tell DH that marriage is a compromise - if both partners are in disagreement about something of importance, then they should come to some sort of compromise and meet half way somehow. I told him that if he agreed to this last try then I would give my approval for him to have a vasectomy. I don't go on about it all the time (like every day or anything) but it's always there - this yearning in my heart and soul to carry one more precious baby in my belly and to deliver it safely and feel it feeding sty breast. I guess we'll see.....

[1moregirl]

Also, I apologise for that novel. I got teary just writing it. And I don't have anyone else who I can talk to about it who understands.

[maidentomother]

I'm so sorry 1moregirl. You'd think he'd be more sympathetic since your loss.

Atomic, now I want to punch those manwhores in the face, too. Grrrrrrrr.

[atomic sagebrush]

I think they are just operating under an entirely different set of (for lack of a better word) values that I think is nicely summed up in this article from Slate/Quora wherein one man and one woman list their regrets in life and the dude is talking about cognac and having a trophy wife and telling eveyrone to listen to Pink Floyd, and the woman is talking about her despair over not having had children. One of these things is not like the other. When People Look Back on Their Lives, What Are Some Common Regrets They Have?

The catch is that we women are not informed of this difference until too late and you gotta look out for number one, ladies. You only go around once. That conventional wisdom that men want their women barefoot and pregnant isn't true at all, I think many men would be happy with zero offspring and are not above stringing along the women in their lives to have more time/money to indulge their every cognac-soaked whim.

1more you have to give your husband that much at least, he's telling the truth about his lack of interest in more kids - there are many guys who promise one thing and then just delay, delay, delay until it's too late. I would give him as much time as you can to wrap his head around it, he may come around. Best wishes.

[maidentomother]

Ugh, that is just disgusting. You have such a way with words atomic, I really LOLed at the decrepitude comment (best use of that word EVER) and 'every cognac-soaked whim'. Bc being cool is SO IMPORTANT omg.

I myself am a cautionary tale, I had a DH that kept saying 'later' but I just didn't want to admit to myself that later meant never or too late.. We even had discussed it before marriage (it was my only real condition, kids while young), but I let him have too much say. I even let him pressure me into an abortion when I got pregnant on BC after we were married, shame on me. Then a year later he was dead. So you never know what could happen, he was 27 and had a heart attack out of the blue. Seize the day ladies!

[1moregirl]

Oh Wow Maidentomother - you really have been through a lot. It must've been such a huge shock losing your husband when he was just 27. Atomic - I do get what you are saying. My DH even said to me once that he would probably be saying yes to one last try if he/we were younger, but we are not....just today I have gotten my first positive OPK for this cycle (CD 16) and I have been Oing the last few cycles on CD 17 so I guess tonight would've been the perfect time? Bugger. Yet we have been BD every second night this last week so that may not be a good thing? It definitely has to be every 4 days doesn't it? Maybe I should buy him some alcohol and ply him with it tonight and he might loosen up and give in. Lol! Oh well...I will continue on with the Equinol for another cycle and aim for an attempt next cycle and maybe by then I might've won him over. I just know wherever I go (like the shopping centre today) I am seeing pregnant women and newborn babies and just feel a huge yearning inside of me. Plus am catching up with a friend in 2 days who is due with her 3rd bubbly next week and I know that I will be wishing my belly was almost as big (as it should've been by now if I had not miscarried that last time). I have to try one last time. If it ends the same way as last time then I will accept that my time is up as far as baby making goes and will just be happy with the three blessings we already have. I'm going to put pen to paper now and see if I can get DH to understand that way.

[1moregirl]

Thanks for taking the time to reply Pink-Bean. I hope it all works out for you Hun and I totally understand what you are saying. If this next step doesn't work out for me then I will definitely accept that a 4th child just wasn't on the cards for me and will be happy with the three I have already. I might sound ungrateful at times, I know, but I really am grateful that I was blessed just to receive one beautiful girl from God and my two boys. I love them all to pieces and think it's probably a good thing I started later in life as if I'd started younger I could well have 8 children by now. Lol!