Control freak vs stress vs hardship

[clarkrl2]

Hi again,

I have more questions that stem from what I have read about personality and the pink sway. I see a lot of references to being controlling or type A swaying blue. I am not type A in the OCD ridged way but I am extreamly hard working and successful. In fact I’m pretty laid back and flexible about things like what time dinners on the table etc. However, when I want something I make it happen. I also see things about hard times swaying pink. I find this a little blurry.

My question is this: Are there different type of stress? Are there stressors that sway pink and others that sway blue?

Lastly: If I have been stressed out over this sway should I skip this month? Not as much stressed over details as much as I have the pressure of TTC and feeling different on LE diet.

[MiaMelb]

I have always found this a really interesting idea too.

In some ways I classify myself as very controlling; I like things the way I like them, not so much from an OCD perspective but more so that my way is generally the most logical and efficient, time wasting drives me crazy. Having said that I'm also quite relaxed, I have a good understanding of what I can control and what I can not so I'm quite flexible and go with the flow too. I am super organised and like to avoid stress by keeping on top of things and generally consider myself quite hard working and successful too. Don't know if that makes me a blue or pink personality type.

[clarkrl2]

MiaMelb its so nice to hear I’m not alone in this confusion. I’m think I’m secretly hoping to hear that it’s not a major sway factor! Maybe then I will stop overthinking it!

[Throwaway_panther]

I think this might be one atomic will want to talk to you about -- she has often said she sees many pink opposites come from the pink swayers who stay too "blue" in their ways and overanalyze, overstress, etc.

That said, I have always been the consummate "blue" mom in terms of type A, overachiever, stressor, etc. People peg me as a boy mom even out in the world, let alone when I first came here (or when I posted my sway... lol), because I am just that personality. I still got a girl with my first -- diet and exercise were HUGE pink things in my life. Though full disclosure, I think DH is bringing a lot to the table for pink and which is why I probably won't get my son from this pregnancy and I'm wading through it with blinders on!

That said -- since I have also obsessed over this issue (let me do the obsessing, not you, my pink swaying friend! :P), atomic has said that there is stress that sways pink. Stress that is sort of about failures/defeating may sway pink because the theory goes those lower testosterone, versus stress of getting things done, needing to be the best/competitive, achievement. So example, stressing that the holidays are coming and you'll "never get anything done" and fretting and stressing might be more pink. Stressing that the holidays are coming and "time to get everything done" and then frantically racing through stores with a shopping list and getting things done might be more blue.

That might be a terrible example as it's quite early and I'm skiving off work here, but that's my take away at the moment!

[clarkrl2]

Thank you so much. Throwaway_panther! That was a fantastic answe and a great example. Made it so much clearer.

I agree with you it doesn’t always line up. With my first son I was a text book girl mom from the stress side of things (other things clearly swayed blue). I had a crappy life situation and zero goals. Clearly my boy diet and lack of exercise was enough to get my boy. I wish I knew how much it really mattered. Do I need to take 3 months to go compleatly zen? Or is my girl diet and exercise so good it doesn’t matter. Wouldn’t it just be nice if it was like a study guide for a test and we knew exactly what matters most. LOL

I’ve already started relaxing knowing there is so much less to a pink sway than I realized. (I spent some time on IG years ago.) Aside from not snacking most of it is pretty easy for me. I think now I just have to decide if I’m going to take more time to chill or just pray and sway.

Congratulations of your pregnancy. Good luck and I hope you do have your little boy inside.

[atomic sagebrush]

it is a major sway factor, though. That's the ONLY reason I bring it up because it's confusing and is by no means a magic bullet so there are plenty of exceptions and it takes an excessive amount of my time. If it didn't matter I would not even mention it but it DOES matter.

"Stress", that amorphous term, sways pink. But being a control freak and putting YOURSELF through lots of self-inflicted stress over details that are a) easily accomplished and b)largely meaningless and are basiclaly things we do to feel that we are in control our universes instead of accepting the reality that we really never are, sways blue. But we perceive these things to all be "stress" and so when I try to explain this to people, they don't get it because they don't differentiate between stresses that are external and those that are internal.

Being in a situation where you feel absolutely no control over your life/environment, like you've suffered a loss, are tormented at work, suffering health issues, things you cannot control and you have to basically force yourself to accept and endure them because we have no control over them, sways pink. This type of stress has been shown to sway pink in studies. But on the other hand, having the type of personality that is constantly trying to control EVERYTHING in the arenas that you deem important can FEEL very stressful but you never have the loss of control that accompanies the kinds of stress that sway pink.

Like, right now I have a project going to crochet Christmas scarves. I am feeling a fair amount of stress over this project (which I have taken on entirely by myself, the people who I am making scarves for do not even know about it and so any disappointment is entirely on me and is not coming from anyone outside of myself, and if I decide tomorrow not to do it any more, no one will ever know). Yet despite the stressfulness, I feel a little boost every time I get something done on it. So I'm stressed but constantly succeeding in lots of little ways and every time I do, I get a little reward of...something. I don't know exactly what that reward is, but I get it when I write an essay on this site and alphebetize my Campbell's soups too, LOL. It's like a reward and something about this project, stress, reward cycle is swaying blue somehow.

Not to mention the drive I feel to always be doing these kind of projects anyway, which is HUGE and out of all proportion to what other people seem to feel. my mom reads a book and I"m just like "My Gosh WHY, don't you have a million things to DO" even though I would really love to sit and read a book today and some of the things I "do" entail getting to a higher level on a video game, LOL. I have literal resentment when my husband wants to do relaxing things like watch movies or go to the lake because I have all these things I have a burning desire to do, even though those things are hard work, because I am getting some charge out of it that is completely more rewarding than doing anything "fun".

But part of what makes this personality stuff so hard to see clearly is that everyone does these types of things, and for some of us (ME) we get so caught up in these detail oriented accomplishments that are largely meaningless (like getting to a higher level on a video game) that we ignore lots of other details (like housework, important clerical tasks, LOL). In favor of doing all these superridick projects most of which no one ever even sees so from the outside we may appear to be disorganized disasters but on the inside there are tons of dreams and schemes and plans all in various stages of completeness. And we like to do all these things OURSELF with no help from anyone ever. What these dreams and schemes and plans are vary wildly by individual so there are no concrete things I can point to and say "it's this thing! it's that thing!" It's whatever the thing is that is the thing for you.

Blue swayers are often very together and focused (the Sloane factor) which to outward eyes may seem like they are control freaks, but that's not what i perceive. Blue swayers (girl moms) are able to be so together and focused not because they are controlling every detail but because they are good at letting go of the things that are unimportant and focusing on the obvious and necessary things to get them out of the way. They don't do things that are unimportant to do and are willing to let things go and/or turn over responsibility of things to other people even though they may not always like the way they do them.

So when it comes to swaying, what I see again and again with pink swayers is them hunting down every single detail that they can come up with and wanting to incorporate it into a sway. It is VERY difficult for them to let go of things and the reason is because (and I know this since I am one myself) we want that little boost, that little charge of reward emotion when we think we've crossed something off the to do list. We think that the more things we do, then somehow we are "earning" a reward of getting what we want and while this does actually work in many arenas of life, in swaying pink it DOESN"T work because something about all that sways blue in a big, bad way. I can almost, but not quite pick out the people whose sways are not going to work out because of this. If they send me pages and pages of questions about meaningless things, argue with me about every detail in their sway plan or in the diet - even things that cannot possibly matter, if they make schedules and keep diaries and chart their cycles for years in advance and freak out about the smallest thing not working out, that kind of thing. They want to control for everything and believe that they actually CAN, lol. So my advice to these people is just to chillax as much as possible and focus on the things that really actually are swaying and much to my great happiness, the past year I've been surprised quite a few times when people who I was thinking "augh that one's gonna be an opposite" ended up getting girls anyway so I really do want to point out that you guys, even with your control freaky personalities, can have swaying work for you. Just don't get carried away with the little meaningless details of it all.

What I see again and again from blue swayers is feeling overwhelmed by the idea of swaying, not even wanting to try because it feels undoable to them, putting it off indefinitely - I've had swayers doing HE Diet for a year and gaining tons of weight because they were so scared to try. Blue swayers are much more worried about getting it wrong because they feel they can't control things that are inherently uncontrollable, whereas the pink swayers are more like "not only will I not get this wrong in even the smallest detail, but I will do this better than atomic has ever dreamed of! mwa haha" (the evil laughter may be only in my imagination.) Conversely some blue swayers think swaying is just kind of open for interpretation since none of us can really control anything anyway and so it's really no big deal and they don't really need to do anything too hard or annoying since it's all out of our hands anyway. Blue swayers, interestingly, will often expect me to do much of the work for them and at times will even ask me "Why aren't you helping me more?" (a question I would literally never ask anyone at all ever because in my boy mom way, I see asking someone to help me - even when I have hired them to do so - as a sign I have failed as a human being LOL). Today - and please if you see this, dear poster, don't hold this against me - I'm not telling tales out of school, I'm just using this as an example to help other people - I had a blue swayer request that I go onto Amazon and pick out things they should buy and send them the links to make it easier for them. I would just never personally ask anyone to do that and the main reason I wouldn't is not because I think it's in any way wrong but because I'd think "well, I bet I could find those things cheaper, maybe even better versions of them, plus I could buy these things I needed for my scarf project at the same time and only pay shipping once..." etc etc etc. I would just never want to turn over any control of anything, no matter how dumb, to anyone else if I could possibly avoid it.

So long story short, too late, uncontrollable stress where you can't do anything about it and just have to learn to live with it sways pink. Being a control freak sways blue. But because being a control freak involves so much massive stress it is very hard to tease out when you're experiencing "stress" how it might sway and it's certainly NOT something I can give you a straight answer about because it's very likely different for every individual.

[atomic sagebrush]

Thank you so much. Throwaway_panther! That was a fantastic answe and a great example. Made it so much clearer.

I agree with you it doesn’t always line up. With my first son I was a text book girl mom from the stress side of things (other things clearly swayed blue). I had a crappy life situation and zero goals. Clearly my boy diet and lack of exercise was enough to get my boy. I wish I knew how much it really mattered. Do I need to take 3 months to go compleatly zen? Or is my girl diet and exercise so good it doesn’t matter. Wouldn’t it just be nice if it was like a study guide for a test and we knew exactly what matters most. LOL

I’ve already started relaxing knowing there is so much less to a pink sway than I realized. (I spent some time on IG years ago.) Aside from not snacking most of it is pretty easy for me. I think now I just have to decide if I’m going to take more time to chill or just pray and sway.

Congratulations of your pregnancy. Good luck and I hope you do have your little boy inside.

You CAN"T go completely zen. That's the thing. Do you see how taking 3 months to do a big "relaxation project!!" is STILL doing a project? You just trade the swaying project for the relaxation project and the little boosts of success emotion juice simply now comes from successfully meditating on Thursday (which literally does nothing anyway since you'relikely just thinking about getting a girl the whole time) and not from taking a cranberry pill. It's the same thing though. Exactly the same thing.

I do not want anyone to change their personalities and nor is it even possible. I mention this stuff for the SOLE reason to prevent pink swayers from treating swaying like a game they can win or a project they can succeed at and to hopefully encourage blue swayers to do the things that work instead of chalking it all up to fate.

Beyond that, I want you guys to put it out of your head entirely because trading in "omg my ph is rising my sway is ruined I gotta bring it down" for "omg I'm getting stressed out my sway is ruined I gotta breathe into a paper bag for the next 15 minutes" is no trade at all. It's the exact same thing.

We DO already know what matters most. Diet, exercise, number of attempts. The rest of it is either out of our control like the personality stuff (just dont' indulge it to the nth degree) or else doesn't even work anyway.

[atomic sagebrush]

I have always found this a really interesting idea too.

In some ways I classify myself as very controlling; I like things the way I like them, not so much from an OCD perspective but more so that my way is generally the most logical and efficient, time wasting drives me crazy. Having said that I'm also quite relaxed, I have a good understanding of what I can control and what I can not so I'm quite flexible and go with the flow too. I am super organised and like to avoid stress by keeping on top of things and generally consider myself quite hard working and successful too. Don't know if that makes me a blue or pink personality type.

Keep in mind that most people get both boys and girls in two tries without even thinking about it. These things are minor differences and I am only able to pay note to them because I've been steeped in this for the past 10 years. All of us have characteristics that are boy mom and girl mom - it's that overall trend that we are looking at and not anything you can necessarily extrapolate to the individual level.

[atomic sagebrush]

And for those who haven't seen this yet, the massive set of essays on the Maternal Dominance Hypothesis is here https://www.genderdreaming.com/forum...ypothesis.html

[atomic sagebrush]

I think this might be one atomic will want to talk to you about -- she has often said she sees many pink opposites come from the pink swayers who stay too "blue" in their ways and overanalyze, overstress, etc.

That said, I have always been the consummate "blue" mom in terms of type A, overachiever, stressor, etc. People peg me as a boy mom even out in the world, let alone when I first came here (or when I posted my sway... lol), because I am just that personality. I still got a girl with my first -- diet and exercise were HUGE pink things in my life. Though full disclosure, I think DH is bringing a lot to the table for pink and which is why I probably won't get my son from this pregnancy and I'm wading through it with blinders on!

That said -- since I have also obsessed over this issue (let me do the obsessing, not you, my pink swaying friend! :P), atomic has said that there is stress that sways pink. Stress that is sort of about failures/defeating may sway pink because the theory goes those lower testosterone, versus stress of getting things done, needing to be the best/competitive, achievement. So example, stressing that the holidays are coming and you'll "never get anything done" and fretting and stressing might be more pink. Stressing that the holidays are coming and "time to get everything done" and then frantically racing through stores with a shopping list and getting things done might be more blue.

That might be a terrible example as it's quite early and I'm skiving off work here, but that's my take away at the moment!

thanks so much and just to elaborate, just like how I can often predict the pink swayers whose sways are in jeopardy due to extreme control-freakishness, I can often pick out (less reliably, though) the blue swayers who may not have optimal odds going into a sway (even with a great sway.) These swayers have a history of extreme exercise and eat very sparingly.

The stuff the hubbies bring to the table is massive for the blue swayers as well. Husbands who smoke is a big one but there's also quite a lot of blue swayers' husbands who have very serious health issues and are on lots of medication, and interestingly also several professional athletes as well.