Need advice on when to announce...& minimize STUPID gender comments

[applesoup]

I'm 16 weeks & haven't announced to our families that we're pregnant. They literally have no clue. The plan has always been to make it until the end of Jan (after I find out @ 18 weeks & then NOT announce the gender).

Then, today, I went to the dentist & had to tell them I was preggo. Of course, after finding out I have 3 boys, the FIRST question on the stupid nurse's lips were, "Are you hoping for a girl???" So, for the first time in my life, I answered it honestly. YES. What kind of question is that anyway???

So, when & how should I announce to minimize gender comments within the family & friends:

1. 17 weeks + a "we're not talking about gender so everyone can focus on what's more important" statement = avoiding the topic & conversation the rest of the pregnancy

2. 18 weeks + "It's a boy!/girl!" announcement = no prior guessing + no post guessing

3. 19 weeks + "we don't know yet" when people ask = putting it off longer to get over boy #4 longer?

PS, I should say that I had to lie to my mom on the phone about a DUMB rumor my dad started & doesn't even believe. I wasn't about to announce to her on the phone, in passing, in response to a dumb rumor. Feeling guilty and have to see her this weekend...close to 17 weeks.

THANKS for ANY advice. I just don't want to have to deal with the gender comments more than I have to.

[MatildaMai]

Well for me it would all depend how I felt once I knew. Almost everyone I know who has found out and been disappointed (myself included) has gone for option 3. So I tend to assume people who say that are getting the opposite of what they want esp if they already have several children of the same gender, I assume its another of the same gender. I think most first time parents go for option 2 and others are more inclined to announce it if they are getting the gender they hoped for.

I think whatever you do you are likely to get dumb comments. Even if you say you want a delivery room surprise and gender is of no importance whatsoever.

I am in awe of your ability to hide your pregnancy! I wish my abs would cooperate like that! I hope you get your girl.

[girlmom]

i don't tell anyone until i know the gender either. then i can just say, "ok im pregnant again and yes its another girl pass the potatos please" but now im getting comments like. r u serious? why are you so stupid? why are you so selfish? why are your 5 healthy girls not good enough for you? you need some professional help? r u trying to be the next octomom? so far i haven't gotten 1 congrats. but hey if you family is supportive and will be happy for you then tell them, tell the world. some of us aren't that lucky.

[angel-pink]

i'm in the same boat only told my dh and mom now but told her not to say because my brothers have both tried for 3 years and nothing and i dont want it to be about me again this year but i'm going for the i'm pregnant and its a .....comment

[Princess of Pink]

With #5 I found out via amnio that she was a girl at 20 weeks. I had hid my pregnancy from 95% of people, even my own mother. I had boy and girl names ready and designed announcements for each. I handed them or posted them to everyone...announcing the expected arrival of Sumer Rayne....the 5th little girl to bless our family. Stopped so many comments and questions!!!

[begonia]

Hugs, AS.

First, whether it is boy #4 or even girl #1, you know you'll get comments. You know. I'm sure you got them with #3. I know I have. So ... I don't think HOW or WHEN you announce will minimize them. Girl #1 you'll get the comments like several moms here have, "oh, with all those brothers .." or "finally!" as though your precious boys are some sort of consolation prize on the quest for a girl. And of course if it's boy #4 you'll get comments too. It's just part of the deal at this point, KWIM?

I posted something similar a few months ago, about how to tell people gender when you have GD. It was hard not to be obviously disappointed and I hated that for my baby; she did nothing and this isn't HER fault. NBP said to go with something along the lines of "yes, we would have loved a boy, but we're thrilled to be a family of 5." And that's what I went with when people said something about too bad it isn't a boy, etc. Because it is/was true. I wanted another child. I desperately hoped it would be a boy; I wanted a boy every pregnancy and never got one. But even with GD I am truly happy to have my kids. So that's what I went with. The honest answer. As I'm sure you know it gets easier as the months pass, but those first weeks after the scan when everyone is asking and the reality of it is still so hard for you (IF, IF!!!! it is a boy) ... those are always hard.

FWIW being honest like you were with the dentist isn't a bad thing, IMO. Everyone has a preference no matter how slight, and anyone who judges you for that? Well they shouldn't have even asked, because by asking they acknowledge that OF COURSE there's a preference, so it's not like they don't get it. And really, they shouldn't ask PERIOD. But people do.

FX for you!

[begonia]

i don't tell anyone until i know the gender either. then i can just say, "ok im pregnant again and yes its another girl pass the potatos please" but now im getting comments like. r u serious? why are you so stupid? why are you so selfish? why are your 5 healthy girls not good enough for you? you need some professional help? r u trying to be the next octomom? so far i haven't gotten 1 congrats. but hey if you family is supportive and will be happy for you then tell them, tell the world. some of us aren't that lucky.

Well, CONGRATS! Another baby is a wonderful thing and it sucks that IRL you aren't hearing that. So what if you have 5 daughters and have a 6th?!?! Babies are grown-ups-in-waiting, and every single one of your girls is a precious part of your family and one day, will be a contribution to the community as well, whether they become moms or teachers or doctors or whatever they do ... they're here for MUCH more than just being "another girl." Don't let people bring your excitement down because this new baby IS special and worthy of congrats. I've read your story and I know you know that.

[KnockYourBallsOff]

I agree with some of the other posters that you'll get comments regardless of the tactic. I think you need to do what's best for YOU. If you know comments will really affect you, than wait and announce how and when you're ready...ya know?

We did a delivery room suprise (although I knew it was boy #3) to avoid comments...and it didn't help. With #4, I think I may find out and even keep it from DH and everyone else until birth.

Wishing you the best!

[applesoup]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! We announced it to our boys tonight. (A big step for us since they're bound to let it slip at any given time.) Thankfully, we're not scheduled to see any of family soon.

I'm just torn. I'd really like it not to matter, but you're right: I'm going to get comments no matter what. I feel like it'd make it MORE of a deal "not" to announce because they'd be analyzing our s/he usage when we talk about the baby. They're also pretty savvy on knowing when I'm due & when the ultrasound gets done. I can't exactly hide a due date.

I'm also torn because I just wanted to announce to everyone & have it be done with. I always end up with these pockets of family who know. And then, if you count that their spouses know, then half the family knows anyway.

I feel really guilty about lying to my mom. But if anyone in my family deserves to know first, it's my little sister. So, looks like the ball is rolling. Going to tell my little sis tonight/tomorrow. Going to tell my mom Thursday & tell her to keep it hush. Then, going to announce it to the family after we know. May tell "sooner" if it's a girl than a boy.

Kinda scared for everyone's reactions. Opinions. Not to mention, their own private struggles. DH talked about someone we know being preggo in front of my SIL today. She's struggled for over a year with some serious fertility issues caused by her last delivery. He said she seemed really sad. It's not that I expect her to be happy...it just makes it awkward.

[nuthinbutpink]

I think just being honest about your feelings is also an option. I don't see any shame in it at all and it is not weak to admit you desire the chance to raise the opposite gender. I can tell you from experience, even if you have a girl, the comments will never stop. They just won't bother you as much. I get comments everyday. I get asked the same questions everyday- were you trying for a boy, was it planned, you have 4 kids-OMG, I feel sorry for your DS, I feel sorry for your husband, I wouldn't want to be around your house for the teen years, does your husband own a farm that he can escape to, and I could go on.

So, an honest answer, the simple answer, is often the easiest to give and look them in the eye. There is nothing wrong with hoping for a particular gender and I just wanted to throw this option out because it seems like it is NEVER an option when this comes up on here and I don't understand that.