The grass is greener ... or should I say, pinker?

[dramabird]

Okay, so bear with me on this. I have two sons and would love a daughter (otherwise, why on God's green earth am I doing this diet??? ). But sometimes I think to myself, what if I'm doing all of this for nothing? What if I still end up without a daughter? That thinking can be especially difficult when you're literally shaking from low blood sugar and want nothing more than to eat a cheeseburger the size of your head.

But I just finished reading a book that, honestly, helped me.

You see, I never really had gender desire until my first son was a year or so old. Sure, when I was pregnant with him (and we weren't finding out the gender), people would ask what I wanted and I said, "I'd like a girl this time and a boy next time." I was a big sister to a little brother, my mom was a big sister to a little brother, my dad was a little brother to a big sister ... so I just figured that would come automatically, right?

Well, DS1 came along ... and with him came a heart condition, extreme colic, bad eczema and a speech delay with some behavioral stuff. Meanwhile, all the friends around me were having lovely times with their girls*. (For the record, of my three close friends from high school and two close friends from college, they have a total of EIGHT daughters and only two sons between them ... little ol' me has as many sons on my own as my five friends combined.) So I started to think "boy = hard, girl = easy." And then I started becoming aware of pink and princess and blah blah blah everywhere. Not because pink and princess meant so much to me, per se, but it was all a reminder of the "club" I wasn't allowed to be in. Moms of girls are to be envied, moms of all boys are to be pitied, right?

*Or so they said. It's hard for me to remember that just because people paint these delightful notions of their lives, it doesn't mean it's true and they don't have difficulties and frustrations they just don't talk about.

So, anyhow, at the library the other day I spotted this book called "Cinderella Ate My Daughter" by Peggy Orenstein. And it made me feel so much better. Because, again, I have this oversimplification in my head about boys cornering the market on being hard to raise and girls being all sunshine and roses. This book really helped put some of that into perspective ... cuz it turns out, raising girls has a completely unique set of challenges that I haven't really considered. For example, I didn't know that girls are far more likely to be the victims of cyberbullying than boys. I hadn't stopped to consider how eating disorders are much more likely to strike girls. And I certainly hadn't thought about the fact that, at the end of the day, all of the pink and tutu and butterfly and what-have-you is really all about marketing, not about XX or XY. It was a fascinating book.

Do I still want a girl? Absolutely!! Do I still envy girl moms? Yes, but ... I also realize that, if I never have a girl, there are a lot of tough times that I will be a lot less likely to face. Boys = awesome and challenging / girls = awesome and challenging in completely different ways.

Anyhow, this post isn't precisely about swaying, but rather about something that helped encourage me that, if my sway "fails," it'll all still be okay.

[dramabird]

I feel like I should write more, because I want to make sure that what I intended as encouraging wouldn't be read as being aggravating in any way. Over on InGender, there were sometimes threads where all-boy or all-girl moms would say something disparaging about opposites to make themselves or other people feel better ("Boys are noisy/dirty/gross" "Girls are melodramatic/bratty/bossy") and by no means is that my message.

Rather, what I'm saying is that the book reminded me that my desire is not for a girl, per se, but for this perfect, brilliant, beautiful, never-disobedient little girl who, oh yeah, lives only in my imagination! So if I end up having DS3, I have to remember that that doesn't mean that that perfect girl will never exist ... cuz she was never gonna exist, regardless! If my sway works and I have a baby girl, she's still gonna poop stinky poops, she's still gonna keep us up with night feedings, she's still gonna throw fits and have challenges and sometimes be a challenge. Because kids aren't actually princes and princesses from animated fairy tales ... they're kids. Kids who, due to their chromosomes, might be more inclined to like trucks or to prefer a tea set, but at the end of the day are their own specific creatures, regardless of what we envision a gender to be or what the toy companies shove down our throats.

After all, my first DS, now 6, who conviced me about boyshard/girlseasy after such a challenging infancy and toddlerhood, doesn't care about trucks or trains or building stuff. He loves to listen to music while he plays his toy instruments, he reads voraciously (starting at age 2.5 -- it was actually tied to his speech delay and is a condition they consider to be the inverse of dyslexia), he adores cooking with me, he likes to cuddle (now ... he disliked it as a baby and toddler). He has many of the interests that mesh well with me personally and make for easier bonding with a kid, boy or girl. And, actually, his disinterest in the traditional "boy" activities means that DS2 has been very fun for us, as he actually did want to play with cars or play catch or what have you. It was a fun change.

And so whether we have DS3 or DDonly -- -- our third kid will be a fun change too. And he/she will delight us, fascinate us, sometimes frustrate us. Regardless of my tiara wishes and glittery nail polish dreams (or an all-girl mom's firetruck wishes and baseball glove dreams), I can't let my imagination (and the Disney company) make me feel like a less-than because of the gender of my kids.

I'm really rambling now. But I'm glad to have you ladies to ramble to.

[nuthinbutpink]

I totally understand where you are coming from. Both genders have their own challenges. Perspective is always healthy and what you already have is brilliant and yes, a daughter would be nice but it doesn't make your life any less brilliant.

[TickledPinkButLoveMyBlue]

This is a brilliant post. I completely agree and understand where you are coming from

[atomic sagebrush]

Brilliant post and I totally agree!

[zanacal]

Wonderfully written

[nks798]

I've always heard raising a girl is harder than raising a boy. I would love a girl too.. but I think that raising one would be a total different ball game. to me, it just seems like the world is more harsh for girls than boys. I'm willing to take that chance though, if I get it :P

[sixhappysons]

Lovely post. Thank you.

[Princess of Pink]

Lovely post!! After 5 of the same gender I have thrown stereotypes out the window....your children are their own personality and character....they are all so different. Some a breeze, others are difficult. And NONE of it involves what parts are in their undies!! Your kids are partially what they are meant to be and partially what you mould them into. I have had no dramas as yet that are gender related that my friends with boys haven't experienced. Girls can be loud and dirty and messy. Our house is bitchiness free and I won't stand for gossiping or saying nasty things about other people. Our life is noisy, full of laughs and love....and I honestly think no different than if I had 5 boys....just a whole lot more pink, barbie and hair accessories than if we had sons!!

[atomic sagebrush]

PoP I totally agree and I sometimes think that in an all-one-gender family, kids are in some ways more free to be who they are and not locked into being "the girl" and "the boy" (not meant as a slam on pigeon pair families!!!) Instead they can be "the artist", "the jock", "the bookworm", etc. and can define themselves by virtue of interests and personality rather than gender.

My older boys have always done non-stereotypical things like drama and music and are not uber-masculine, and I actually think my husband had weird GD with DS 3 for a more athletic, boyish-boy (which he got in DS 3!!)