LolaInLove's Infertility Journey

[LolaInLove]

Zan, it was not fun....but I just tried to be positive and then think about my "dream" where I get to do it all again. I have this fantasy, really, about the whole thing....the u/s scan, the birth, the look on my DH's face, all that good stuff. I try to think about that when I feel bummed out and tell myself that it will be my turn again someday!

Hobbs, they don't have it yet, so we are just waiting on his appt this Friday. I am going with him and will have a million questions.....the doc said he and his wife had the "same problem" actually, and I am sure my DH didn't ply him with questions like I will. I asked R if he said he had to do IUI or IVF and he said he didn't ask, he just knows they did have a baby. I guess that is guys for ya....plus, well, he had just the doctor manhandling him in all sorts of unhappy ways. He probably didn't want to be all bro with him, LOL.

[LolaInLove]

UGH, why do I let myself get my hopes up in these occasional months when I have something happen like some spotting that I think may, just may, be implantation spotting because it's 10dpo? I was actually excited this morning, thinking I will go dig out those FRERs from the bottom of some drawer of forgotten toiletries when I got home from work. Now I think I need to go get the tampons out instead. I've noticed my DH gets a little bit sweeter to me on the days he notices the box of tampons sitting by the toilet in the bathroom, which is sweet. I don't even say anything anymore.

Anyway, I am going to keep positive, that's all I can do. We'll got the follow up appt with the urologist on Friday morning. Looking forward to that. DH is down for 6 weeks with the surgery so it's like I have too many babies right now as it is!

[auroara78]

Ah, Lola, sorry to hear that

Glad your DH is extra sweet when u need him to be. You and him will make a beatitiful child together I hope it happens sooner than later, but I got a feeling you will be holding a sweet babe in your arms again.

[Hobbermittens]

sorry Lola! I had my hopes up for you. Your DH sounds like such a great guy. I hope they have good news for you at the urologist appointment!

[LolaInLove]

I just want to do an IUI if anything......praying no varicocele surgery needed. It's painful and expensive!!!

[LolaInLove]

Well, this day is a good one only because dear sweet TTC5 has a healthy happy baby boy on the way! Bless her, I was afraid just before her bfp that she was going to be in my shoes. Life has a funny way of working out, huh?

We had our follow up this morning- and now my world is spinning again with WHAT TO DO. R's count was up to 19 million per ml, meaning his total "sample" had 93m because it was 5.5 ml. SO, that is an improvement. They consider 20m per ml to be the bottom of normal. However- his morphology is horrific. Only 1% of his sperm are "normal forms." This is why we kept having m/c he said. The urologist's advice- go IVF. He said he will happily recommend us to the local fertility clinic for a consult, and it may be that they could try an IUI first, but with so few normal sperm, the washed load to put up me would be small in number and less likely to do the job. He said our best option for a normal baby is to do IVF with ICSI. After that, he said we could continue to try, but it could be forever, and with my age being 36, time is not on our side.

So, I feel a bit helpless today. R (who is on percocet, so isn't really all there) was all excited when we left, like "my count is up!!!" I could barely hold it together in there. I don't think he got it. The doctor was being optimistic in tone....he didn't want us leaving and driving straight off the nearest bridge, for pete's sake. I had to give R a dose of reality and he got mad at me for being negative. I just told him it's reality, not being negative. Oh, and then the doc tells us how he and his wife had problems (although he didn't go into detail about his sperm, but I gathered they had something wrong there), and two months after they gave up and just didn't care anymore, they got pregnant. He says he thinks there is something to cortisol levels in the woman that can interfere with getting pregnant. So, R says we need to chill. RIGHT. I don't know how to accomplish that right now. I am an action person. I need to DO something about it, decide mentally what we are doing so I have a plan. You guys know how I am about having a plan.

So, what do you think? I need some honest opinions here. Should we activate Czech Plan and just ttc in the meantime? Should we go to the local fertility clinic and pay $2,000 for IUI that may not work and try that first? Should I just try to convince myself that I don't need or want another baby? I wasn't good at it 6 months ago, but given this new information, I could try again. Should we think about donor sperm? At least if I do that, I will be doing the $2K IUI but have a pretty good chance of it working with a strong sample. Keep in mind that we are not flush with cash- we do alright, but don't have reserves to do this. It will be all out of pocket. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility at all.

Thanks for "listening" my friends. xoxo

[Hobbermittens]

I'm sorry the results weren't better. What causes the motility problems? Did the Dr. say?

I would try IUI first. That might work, and for only $2,000 I think it would be a good gamble.

How does R feel about the donor sperm?

[LolaInLove]

I'm sorry the results weren't better. What causes the motility problems? Did the Dr. say?

I would try IUI first. That might work, and for only $2,000 I think it would be a good gamble.

How does R feel about the donor sperm?

He said there is no telling about motility. Maybe the testes are too hot, but there is not much he can do about that. He said cold packs are not a good idea because there are no studies about how temperature fluctuations affect sperm (ie, getting cold, then hot, then cold again, etc), so he would not use that, just try to keep them as cool as possible. There is no reason, some men are healthy as a horse and have crappy sperm. He said there is nothing more he would do than what he already is as far as vitamins and supplements go.

I just hate to do IUI and it be a waste. It's like every dollar needs to count, ya know? I'd rather put that $2,000 towards the IVF trip in a way, but who knows, maybe there is a remote chance the IUI would work? Of course, I've got to pay like $350 to just go freaking TALK to the RE now.

I'm gonna go on a little tangent here and say that it is absolute BULLS&!T how the American medical system deals with infertility medicine. I pay $500 a month for health insurance and I can't go to an RE. I can go have anything else in the world done or looked at, but not that. If I want infertility coverage, my monthly insurance bill goes up to $1,000, which ain't happening. And now it's "pre-existing" anyway. If I want to do a procedure that takes less time than regular outpatient surgery, I have to pay $25,000.....meanwhile, in the rest of the civilized world, the same procedures cost less than $5,000.

And we are being referred to the local clinic that somehow didn't find time to send over the SA by this morning, which he did 2 weeks ago, so we had to sit and wait an hour for them to fax it over. Seriously. Same ones who would make us pay to come "go over the results" if we wanted them before our follow up with the urologist. There is no way in hell I am going to that place. R didn't like it either when he went in for the SA. He said he felt like cattle.

I am just confused. I think I need to think about it for a while. So, somehow I am supposed to de-stress and NOT think about ttc, and just give up mentally so my cortisol level is down. You know, I kinda wanted to slap that urologist and say, how the bloody hell do you just "relax" about it? I guess his wife had no problem since he is a doctor and they could have done IVF for free as a trade for all of his referrals. And I'm guessing his wife doesn't have to work and raise 2 kids at the same time. I have a crappy attitude right now, sorry gals. I think I need a refreshing weekend. And a margarita or seven!

Hobbs, thanks for your reply, honey. You know I love ya.

[OnlyPraying]

Lola, I think I would do IVF with ICSI if I were you.... I know its tough....but you and your hubby have an awesome attitude and with love everything is possible right? Hang in there dear friend...and just take it one day at a time and you know I am always praying for you

[alreadyneedivf]

that is our problem--my husband had poor morph...we tried three iuis that did not work and then got pregnant first time with ivf/icsi! let me know if you have any questions! good luck!!