What to say to my pregnant friend? Need advice!

[BeadinMom]

Thanks Craving...I agree completely. I know my life is much sweeter because of the 3 little guys I have in it.

[cravingsalt]

Or option b...when all else fails, and she's gushing about her girl, let down your defenses, drop the smile and let her see you cry, instead of bottling it all up. Let her know (non-agressively) that you really fear not having your own daughter and it's a sore spot. She may show herself to be a true friend and who knows, a year down the road your daughters may be playing together while you laugh about this whole situation. You never know.

<hugs>

[wantagirly23]

CravingSalt- You are right. She might not even have a clue how she is coming across. We have been friends for a long time so I will prob give her the benefit on the doubt. I def need to tell her how I feel at some point though. I will wait a bit to have the convo but I need to talk to her before I conceive baby #2. Because if our sway fails and baby #2 is a boy then I really am going to need her to be supportive and censor her comments towards me.

BeadinMom- Congrats on your 3 little men. I have heard many positives to having 3 boys. One being that you are queen of your household! I am starting to like the idea of that....that in the fact that there isn't another girl around to spend money on for things like clothes, makeup,etc. Boys def seem to be more economical. I'm sure if we have a girl I will prob spend a TON of our money on clothes for her, headbands, bows,etc and DH wont be too happy haha. So those are some of the positives I try to keep in mind whenever I think about never having a girl. I am sorry your friend said that comment to you. I would have told her off! Also I don't blame you for not talking to her ever again. Those people are so ignorant. Even though I want a girl I realize that I might get a girl one day and it might not be anything like I thought. Here I am thinking I want a daughter because we will be bff and go shopping together and have that mother/daughter relationship. In reality she might not be any of those things! She could be a out of control girl...she could be disrespectful...emotional...talk back to us ....she could could want nothing to do with me....who knows! I have this idea in my head ...or rather this "fantasy" about what my daughter would be like. Haha. It really is funny because maybe if my next baby is a boy....I wont actually be sad that he is a boy...but I will be sad that my fantasy of having a perfect daughter will be gone. But maybe a girl wouldn't have been the perfect daughter towards me. I guess I will just have to find out and leave it to fate for my next baby. Sorry if I rambled there but is really therapeutic for me to just type this stuff out and think about it haha. Makes me feel better. Can I ask you a question? Did oyu do any swaying with any of your 3 boys? Do you think that swaying makes GD worse in your opinion? I mean should I just go for it on baby #2 and whatever happens...happens? Or do you think if I sway for baby#2 and get another boy it will make the GD worse since I put in time/effort with dieting and stuff?

Hobbermittens- Congrats on your 2 little girls. That is wonderful. And if it is any consolation...I'm jealous! I'm sure they are close and will be for life! They will be close to you as well Also I am sorry that your friend made those comments to you about having a boy. I would not associate myself with her if she continues to do that. She needs to be sensitive to your feelings. Life is so unfair. I don't know why some people get what they want and some don't. Are you done having kids or are you still seeking a boy just out of curiosity? I hope you get what you want. An d even if you don't..sounds to me like you already have the perfect little family!

Everyone- Something else I just thought of....maybe I am being selfish for wanting a girl. I mean is pigeon pair really what is best for the kids? I mean I'm sure it would be fine if I had a girl next and I am not saying that brothers and sisters aren't capable of being friends...of course they are but there is no denying that being the same gender def helps! I mean I think my baby boy would prob be better off with a brother over a sister. So I guess what is more important....that he gets a brother or that I get my daughter? If you put it that way it makes me look really selfish to say daughter I can't help what I want though. I dunno just a thought that I am throwing out there. I am just rambling haha.

[BeadinMom]

NO. You are not selfish. Your heart wants what your heart wants. We're all here for a reason. I do believe in God, however, and I do believe that he sends us WHO we need.

Honestly, for DS3, I did a PATHETIC sway, using Shettles. It obviously didn't work. I believed at the time however, that it would...and I put a lot of faith in that. So when we had our ultrasound, I told the tech we weren't sure we wanted to know, so I asked her to write it down and seal it in an envelope and if we decided we couldn't wait, then we'd open the envelope. Well, the second we got in the car, I told my DH to open the envelope...in the parking garage at the hospital. I told him, "If it says boy, tell me it's going to be okay and if it's a girl, tell me I don't want to know." So he looks at me and says, "It's going to be okay." At that moment, I burst into tears and said, "NO IT IS NOT." And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. And then he was born. And I still cried. And then Katrina came and we evacuated. And at that moment, I realized what was important to me. We were all okay...my area was spared, but I gained something from all of that. I fell in love with that little man.

This time, I won't find out. I just want to enjoy every minute of my last pregnancy. I won't lie though, I do think that swaying does make GD worse. You feel like it has to work...even though logically you know it's not guaranteed.

[luvncamrin]

Okay...so people are probably not going to like what I'm writing.....and sorry in advance for ticking anyone off....I've enjoyed support from the majority of the women that have replied to this post...but I don't really like "the anger" taken towards the women spoken about on here with "gender desire." I don't like the direction this post is going in at all...especially because it defeats the purpose of what I think this whole site is intended for.......I'm hearing alot of "she needs to get perspective on life" and "what's wrong with my gender of kids??!" and "how dare she have a desired gender when she is luck to HAVE ANY BABY AT ALL." The whole point of this site is getting your feelings out...and honestly ...what I'm personally hearing is a lot of "my type of GD/DG is legit because of ABC and this person's (my friend, a person I know ect) GD/DG isn't because of XYZ." Please remember that most DG/GD isn't really "controllable" or something you can just GET OVER or "get some perspective on what really matters in life" and it will be gone. In my experience it is something much more internal.....and it just feels right for me to raise a particular gender. I love having boys...and I'm don't feel like raising girls is a perfect fit for me! You can never really know the reason the way a person feels deep down or why they desire a certain gender. Whether someone needs IVF for years or is a breeder rabbit ...really can't and shouldn't be a requirement to have those feelings. If you feel so righteous about wanting your DG and your friend not having enough life perspective...maybe you should rethink your swaying, PGD or feeling about that DG in general? I just don't think it is AT ALL fair for one woman to have more valid GD/DG because of their fertility status...sorry! I don't understand the whole meaness behind wanting to teach someone a lesson by wishing their undesired gender upon them. That just seems so cruel. Regardless of the make up of my family....and especially because I have experienced GD before....I wouldn't wish a GD baby on anyone really....even an enemy...simply because I would feel bad for that baby! Even if I find out I'm having a girl ( which is NOT my desired gender) ....I wouldn't wish a gender opposite on my friend.....I just can't relate to that...it seems cold and mean. Sorry if I hurt any feelings....but it just seems sad to see so many ladies on here than have been so supportive...to switch gears and gang up on a "friend" that isn't even here to defend herself.... but maybe that is the whole reason I ONLY WANT BOYS! (just kidding....had to throw a little humor in...my post seems a little too serious for my taste

[nuthinbutpink]

She is just verbalizing what many of us think to ourselves. I think it is difficult to fault her for that no matter how it makes you feel. The most I would say is "congratulations" and I would leave it at that. She has gender desire and speaks freely of what she desires. It may hurt a boy mom's feelings but you cannot say that she is a bad person for wanting a girl, I think. She may be very self-centered right now given all she has been through just to conceive and oblivious to what she is saying and how that affects you but she has a desire for a girl and she is vocal about it. It's hard to fault her for that without sounding hypocritical I think. I agree she should not do it in the way she has certainly but I think you either come right out and tell her she is hurting your feelings by saying things like that about boys or you just smile and say Congratulations. Anything else is a waste of time and energy.

[wantagirly23]

I never said she was a "bad person for wanting a girl". Where the heck did you pull that out of? Ok I am going to make something clear. Maybe I should break it down for an easy read sense people are either not fully reading my posts correctly or don't understand...

1) I am happy that my friend got pregnant after all this time and got her desired gender...a girl...and I don't blame her for being happy! I would be too

2) I know that in my original post I wrote that I wish she would "learn a lesson" and things like that but I was very upset at the time I wrote that. I come here for that stuff because I need somewhere to vent. I don't think its right what I wrote. Again I was angry and I'm sorry. I was offended by her "this better be a girl" and "I am so relieved" comments that she has made to me this week. I'm sorry I am human.

3) You guys the biggest reason I am upset is not because she is having a girl but because I am insecure about might never having a girl. And she knows that. I confided in her about this after my son was born. She asked me if I was happy about having a boy and I answered honestly. I feel like her comments to me this week are very rude. A simple "I am having a girl" or "I hope I have a girl" comment would have been fine but she has called/texted me 1-2 times a day leading up to her doc appt about how the baby "better be a girl"or "girls are cuter to shop for", etc. Does that sound like a friend that is being sensitive to your feelings? If she wants to make over teh top comments like that to someone then she needs to do it to one of her other friends. She knows it is a touchy subject for me. When she was struggling to get pregnant for 2 years and I got pregnant on our first try...I was scared to tell her I was pregnant! I knew that would crush her! I didn't tell her I was prego until halfway through my pregnancy I was that concerned about how it would make her feel. When I did finally call her to tell her...I was quick and simple about it. From then on out I never called to talk to her about my pregnancy or the baby. I didn't want to come across as shoving it in her face when here the poor girl was just desperate to be pregnant. I would talk about other things with her...work, husbands, the house, etc. If she brought up my pregnancy or asked me a question then I would talk about it. Now I don't expect her to not talk about having a girl...but what I expect is for her to freaking tone it down a notch.

4) Bottom line.....do one deserves gender disappointment. I do want everyone to get what they want. No gender is better than another. Everyone has their own idea of their own "perfect" family...whether that be 3 boys...3 girls.....pp... etc. Everyone needs to be sensitive towards others who are going through GD...esp your good friends. I am scared that I will suffer GD with my baby #2 and sense I don't feel she was ever really there for me with baby#1....I fear not only will she not be there for me with baby#2...she might actually make my GD worse with her girls are better than boy comments. That is is my concern.

[Tiffani3]

I have friends like this!!!
I know they don't truly mean to make stupid comments they say but that doesn't help sometimes the pity is worse sometimes not the comments. when I had ds2 all my dh brothers and sisters had pp they truly expected me to but when he was born I was so proud that I wasn't just like everyone else and it was so wonderful to have the same gender my gd didn't start till ds3 6 years later and although I adore him with all my heart I spent the hole of my pg crying after I found out he was a boy! And when he was born I've spent the past 2 yrs worrying and hoping when I can try and get my dd!

I haven't cut any of those friends out my life on the fact that no ones child/children are as beautiful and amazing as my 3 ds in fact I find them really irritating and naughty!! My dh assures me that if we have a dd she wont be like that lol also it's my gd not there's and I wouldn't wish that on anyone!
I haven't told any of my friends that there comments are to much on the fact that I am so ashamed that I feel like I do when I'm so lucky to have my boys!

This is the first save place I have found that I feel like I can really say what's in my heart, and I think getting the crap out is important healing process so you vent away if it slightly helps you to heal your heart! You'll find your way of getting though it!!
X X X

[mummypink]

I think maybe it is the way she has put her feelings across to you that has made you feel the way you do.

I have a friend who knows I would love a little girl, she has a son already and she called me the other day to say she is expecting a girl this time. I'm over the moon for her, envious too naturally, but really happy for her. I congratulated her and she replied 'I'm just so so lucky, totally perfect having just one of each'. Which I smiled through but I must admit I felt a bit hurt by her comment, as if having two boys wouldn't be such a lucky thing to have. I'm sure she didn't mean it like that but when you're hoping to add a certain gender baby to your own family you do tend to be over sensitive to comments people make.

I find taking 5 minutes out to look at my beautiful boys and think how lucky I am to have the privilege to be their mummy helps me to put things into perspective, and put silly thoughtless comments of others behind me. x

[nuthinbutpink]

I don't need an "easy read". I could read what you wrote before perfectly fine.

She has zero tact.

You have gender desire. So does she.

She got what she wanted which stings but you can't be upset with her because she suffers from infertility and that is difficult to deal with. I'm sure she was jealous of you conceiving on your own the first try and cried about that too. Not your fault of course and sounds like you do have empathy and tact.

You need to tell her that when she says things a certain way it hurts your feelings. Or just stay away from her.

If you do have a girl next, you'll have a pp and loads of people will be jealous of your family.

The way you feel and the friend that you have are both things the majority of us have felt or dealt with. It's hard. That's why we have this site and a place to talk this through. You asked for advice, right?