DH struggling with the idea of girl # 3

[Plum3]

Hey Bec! I haven't been on in ages but DH is out of town and I'm bored tonight so thought I'd check in on old friends I didn't even realize you were pregnant now, congratulations!! I am so thrilled you have one on the way!

Three girls was MUCH harder for me to wrap my head around than it was for DH. He wanted a boy. But he had accepted after DD1 that maybe that wouldn't happen for him, while I obviously (and, admittedly ... still...) didn't accept that as my path. I wanted all boys, whereas DH wanted one of each. So, the news that we would DD3 didn't get him all excited, but it didn't send him into total tailspin the way it did me. He struggled with the "never having a son" concept but he chose, much earlier than me, to celebrate the "I'm having a third healthy child!" concept.

So, admittedly, our DH's seem to be coming at this from a different place. My DH felt like he needed to do something, you know? Men, they want to fix things, not just let them ride out. He reached out and set up lunch with a friend (not even some of our closest friends) who has 3 daughters, just the two of them, to talk about how he's adapted to not having a DS. The other dad had experienced serious GD, gone to counseling, and was at a point of real comfort with his family makeup. His girls are 9, 6, and 3 now. Do y'all know any other 3 girl families? Maybe spending time with them - maybe even a Dad only meeting - could help him grasp that he's not the only man who never had a son.

That leads me to the other thing that my DH started to notice. Whether it was dad's of 1 girl, 2 girls or 3 girls or 4 girls ... there are LOADS of other men who don't have sons. Some very manly ones, LOL! Matt Damon has 3 bio and 1 adopted daughter, no boys, and he could easily win an arm wrestling match against many dad's with sons Plenty of successful men have only daughters, and if he starts looking he'll see that. I think for many of us with GD we are letting our children, and in this case their gender, define (or contribute to defining) who we are as men/women. As though being a dad of girls is somehow "less than" being a dad of sons. In America, everywhere you see ads it's the "perfect" family of mom, dad, son, daughter. So it's easy to see where those of us whose families don't match the "perfect" mold feel like we are different in an undesirable way. Once he sees that it isn't so very different he might feel better. I think the easiest way to see that is to look for those other families who don't have sons.

Anyhow, my DH didn't buy into swaying, at least not anything approaching an 80/20 business, so like I said ... he wasn't nearly as fussed as I was. And for me it wasn't even the sway that set me up, it was just my unshakeable belief that I was going to have a son. I felt it my whole life, how could it be wrong? I went through a "blame" thing where I blamed myself, somehow I didn't do something right, blah blah blah. I still sometimes dabble in the what ifs, which isn't healthy or helpful, and it's part of the reason I don't come here anymore. But the fact is even if our sways rocked, even if we got those odds to 90/10, one of the 10%'ers got the egg. And FWIW I adore my lil' 10%er I'll probably have gender desire my whole life, heck I've had it for 34 years already since I wanted DS not DDs, but that's OK. If it's the worst life gives me I'm a lucky, lucky woman.

I don't know if any of that will help as GD is such a personal experience ... but I sincerely hope you and DH get to a place of peace on this soon. Congrats again on being pregnant

Thanks Begonia Everything you said made total sense to me.

We don't have many close friends with kids. And the friends we do have that have kids have boy/girl. So, DH doesn't really have anyone to talk to about how he feels. Well, no one that would understand anyway. I hope that he can eventually talk to me about it. At the moment, he still feels likes there is a chance this baby could be a boy. I don't think it will fully sink in that it's a girl until our 20 week ultrasound.

It's funny you mention that there are lots of men with no sons. Everywhere I go now, I find myself looking at families and really noticing those that have all girls. I don't know if DH is doing the same but if I am, then surely he must be too right?

[Plum3]

When I found out I was having DD2 I blamed myself. I told my DH it was all my fault because after researching about swaying it made me think that women are the ones that decide the gender of a baby. But my DH believes a man decides it so he blames himself. I don't even know who's fault it is anymore. I guess we get what we get. He also doesn't believe in swaying so it was difficult to do. Your husband is not a bad person. I don't care what anybody says but every man wants a boy (or at least the majority). They want to have someone they could bond with and do manly things with. It's the same with the women on this site wanting a daughter because they want that mother-daughter relationship. There is nothing wrong with that.

For our 3rd child, I want to go the HT route. We don't have much money but I'll figure out a way to pay for it. I know that swaying won't work for me and I would be devastated if I hear #3 is a girl. I won't be able to handle it and I know neither will DH. He really deserves a son. He adores DD1 and I know he will adore DD2 but something will be missing for him and me because I would love a son. I feel we are very fortunate to have the technology to choose the gender of our children. Science has come a long way and since it is available I say why not take advantage? But that's my opinion. Yes it's extremely expensive, probably a tough process to go through and there are no guarantees but I feel it is better than nothing. Even if it fails at least I will know I did everything I could and I would have no regrets. The worst thing for me is to regret something for the rest of my life.

Begonia, I was actually more disappointed in having DD2 than my DH was. he is more accepting than I am. It's funny that you mention noticing other dads that don't have sons. That's what I do. I look at celebrity and athletes who don't have sons and it makes me feel better. Kobe Bryant and Alex Rodriguez are few of the greatest athletes around and they both have 2 daughters. I always wonder if they are disappointed.

Anyway Bec good luck with your pregnancy. If you decide to go for a 4th I hope you and your DH get your boy. Good luck with everything!

My husband says the same thing, that every man wants a son. I guess some just want it more than others. I think he feels really alone with his feelings because even though I've told him that I really want a son as well, he tells me it's not the same and I can't possibly understand how he feels.

A 4th child is definitely not ruled out so who knows, maybe HT is somewhere in the future for us. Only time will tell. I hope everything works out with HT for you and that you and your DH also get your little boy

[Plum3]

Im so sorry you're going through this Bec.
Your Kids become your family. Regardless of who they are, boy or girl. Im one of a girl only family, and it was a wonderful way to grow up. I totally believe things happen for a reason. Everything works out in the end. Im also from Australia, and will always be here for a chat, about anything. I wont ever judge. Sometimes all we need is a big vent to get things off our chest. Our thoughts feel alot clearer once we've written them down, or confided in someone. Thats why this site is so amazing. I hope your husband has similar support, as he too will need it in his own way.
Thinking of you, and one day you will look back on all of this, and think, "yup, it was all meant to be"

x x

Thankyou Salsa! I know that one day I will realise that this is how it's meant to be. Right now, it just seems a long way away though!

[Estrogen Everywhere!]

I am in a slightly different position, but still struggling when 95% of the world's population seems to be indifferent and never thinks of this GD thing. We have one daughter, and I am not at a point where I could even think about conversing with my wife about a second child because, right now, I am not okay with accepting the fact the next could be a girl too. All of my guy friends with whom I hang out are all about having a son or they already have a son and I am jealous of them. I loooooovvvvee my baby girl, but I wish every day that we could have a boy as well. I just don't want to go through GD anymore.

[cupcakebaby]

When we found out we were having DD 3, my husband was briefly disappointed, but never at me. I cried to him and told I was so sorry. After that we learned to accept it and eventually to both love being all girl parents. You husband will come around, but in the meanwhile, he should know it is very unfair to make you feel like it is at all your fault!

[wildwooddays]

My dh has said more than once that he would love to have a girl this time. I feel bad like I'm gonna disappoint him if I have a third boy. But I always say it is what it is and is already predeterminded. And I wouldn't go by a nub shot, usually at those 12 or 13 week shots it's too early to tell.