Vent- heavy hearted

**cravingsalt** · October 29th, 2012, 10:38 AM

Just because I’m sitting here at work and I want to cry and I have to say it to someone so I can be done with it.

My friend who had her ds when I was pregnant with ds1, and had her daughter after I delivered ds2, just found out a couple of months ago that she got pregnant again despite being on the mini-pill. She was planning to be done since she got one of each, but is happy now that she got used to the idea of being pregnant again. Well she just found out today that she is expecting dd2. I am beside myself- smiling on the outside but my heart feels like it’s breaking. Not only do I still not know if I will ever have a dd, but I can’t even get pregnant right now, sixth cycle trying. And she is an awesome person but will never understand, and I wouldn’t put the weight on her to try to make her understand, how much it feels like being punched in the gut when she tells me how sweet and different and amazing it is to raise a little girl, and how she hopes I’ll experience it one day. I can’t even think a positive of thought of having a dd of my very own without my stomach physically seizing because I have so trained myself to reject getting my hopes up.

Anyway. There are worse things, and I know in my heart that I am blessed with my precious boys. I will keep smiling and praying that one day I’ll be able to put this kind of feeling behind me, whether it be by having my dg or some other miracle.

**jennaesue** · October 29th, 2012, 10:50 AM

I'm so sorry you are having a rough day. I remember when I found out one of my friends was expecting her second little girl (I was pregnant with ds3 and had just found out he was a boy), and I called my mom sobbing because my friend was having another little girl. It is so hard to keep what is going on in your friends' lives separate from your own situation. It's so difficult to see people close to you getting your heart's desire. And it certainly doesn't help that you friend talks to you about how special it is to have a little girl. I don't think people who never had GD will ever understand.

**wilma_five** · October 29th, 2012, 11:03 AM

Yes, I know......there are rough days and less rough days......
I also am hoping for a little girl OR peace with what I'm having right now, 5 great boys.

**Mrs_P** · October 29th, 2012, 03:53 PM

its funny isn't it - my head wants everyone i know in real life to get a boy but my heart wants all the girls on here to get their dg - suppose its cause you all know what its like and you want it that badly you deserve the happiness. One of the girls i worked with wanted a girl and she just delivered her daughter a few days ago - i spent the first part of the morning crying tears of joy for her as i was so pleased her dreams came true and the rest crying for me as i know mine never will.

i know its not any consolation but being pregnant doesn't help either - it makes gd worse for me as now i know i won't get my dd as the chances of this being a girl are slim to none and this is my last chance - at least before i had the delusion of ht or adoption or a really super magical sway. its weird cause in no way can anyone elses baby affect what yours is going to be but when your in the position it becomes all the more important.

My fingers are crossed for you that this is your month especially after the extreme selflessness you showed recently in turning down that baby girl as it wasn't the right decision for your family - whatever child you are blessed with i'm sure you'll find peace and enjoy becoming a mom again - i hope november is good to you and you get your bfp

**cravingsalt** · October 29th, 2012, 04:14 PM

Thanks ladies! I'm feeling okay about it now, I hate to sound selfish but I can't indicate these feeling at all IRL so it helps to get them out on here.

I know that it boils down to what we tell our children. "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Trying to make it truth and not just a saying, but boy is it it hard some days. I just hope that once #3 is all said and done, and if it's another sweet boy, I can put all these feelings away. Kind of hoping that I feel this way because there's still the unknown and once the chapter closes I'll be able to move on with my lovely boys.

Mrs. P- I was wondering whether it gets better preggo- and I can totally see where you are coming from. You've done what you can and now what's done is done. He or she is already who he/she will be! But did you see the thread that Mariposa did on clomid and LE? It looks like your chances are good! I hope beyond hope for you that you continue the pattern!

**cravingsalt** · October 29th, 2012, 04:16 PM

Oh, and like someone on here said in another post. It's almost like you're afraid that all the girls will get used up and there will be none left for you. It's so illogical that it makes me want to laugh- if you weren't so close to the situation.

**Dreamofpink** · October 29th, 2012, 05:46 PM

Originally Posted by cravingsalt

Oh, and like someone on here said in another post. It's almost like you're afraid that all the girls will get used up and there will be none left for you. It's so illogical that it makes me want to laugh- if you weren't so close to the situation.

You've really hit the nail on the head!!! That's exactly my illogical way of thinking too, especially when my cousin had her 2nd girl this summer! I'm always keeping a mental tally of who has what thinking, oh goodness what if that's my girl she's having?!!! It's so silly really isn't it! And then when I see someone with 3 girls, I can't help but think that that's just being selfish and she should share the pink dust around - RIDICULOUS!!! I wish i could switch my brain off sometimes! Now it's even worse with looking at Mums thinking, no wonder why she's got 3 girls, she's the size of a house/stick thin! Aaarghh! I sound like a complete GD bitch!!

**My Three Sons** · October 29th, 2012, 06:42 PM

I so feel what you are saying. It seems like eveywhere I go I see families with girls. Sometimes I think that instead of "using up" all the girls, that it is a sign that I will have one too. Most of the time though I think that they've used all the girl spermies up and it's just a cruel joke to rub it in my face.... :P

**cravingsalt** · October 29th, 2012, 07:00 PM

Hahahahaa!! We do sound silly. Somewhere, there is a lady looking at our families thinking that we used up all the boy spermies. Selfish ladies we are!

**coocoobananas** · October 29th, 2012, 07:59 PM

Well I am pretty sure a lady at my dentists office thought the same thing with their 5 girls. I was looking at her like 'wtf can't I have one of those' and she was probably thinking 'I bet thats a 3rd boy in that tummy...b&$@$!'

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