GD is Destroying My Marriage

[BabyGirl4Me]

I'm going for an early gender scan in 11 days to find out what I'm having. My sway was pretty good and for a while I started to feel like I had a good shot at getting a girl. When I was pg with DS, I was convinced I was having a girl at first, but then a few weeks before my ultrasound I got really scared and upset that I could be having a boy, and then when I heard boy at the ultrasound it felt like my whole world came crashing down. I'm having that feeling again, that I am having another boy and I don't think I am going to be able to deal with that. My GD was very extreme with DS and now it feels like it's starting back up all over again.

We don't have the money for HT as DH's student loan debt by itself will take us a lifetime to pay back. I've spent the bulk of this morning crying, and the emotions are getting so much worse.

My biggest problem though is DH. He really doesn't understand my GD and it makes him very angry. I am truly terrified that if we find out we're having another boy and I have a complete emotional breakdown (like I think I'd have) that he'll end up wanting to divorce me and then I don't know what I would do. I have tried so hard to talk with him about how I feel and he just doesn't understand it. He doesn't want to understand it either. I don't want my marriage to be destroyed, but at the same time I can't change the way my heart feels. DH will be furious with me if all I do is cry for the rest of this pregnancy. He won't stick around and will go off on his usual rant that I should be grateful for a healthy child, which only makes me feel even worse.

I really feel like I'm headed for a mental breakdown and at this point, I can truly say that I regret swaying and getting pregnant again at this point. I was really naive and dumb and didn't believe that an opposite would be possible for me this time around. I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a gun right now and my marriage and family life are going to suffer terribly if I'm not having a girl this time around.

On the other hand though...I HAD to do SOMETHING. I was suffering terribly from GD even after my son's birth and since we can't afford HT, swaying as all we could do. I couldn't continue to live with the pain of not having a daughter, so I swayed and prayed a lot and rolled the dice, and now here I am.

It wasn't my intention to make anyone feel bad about anything and I hope I didn't offend anyone. I can't talk about my feeling IRL and truth be told, I have been having really dark thoughts lately. I know this isn't healthy and yes, I really do need some help but I have no where else to turn to get it right now. I don't have a doctor I can talk with about this and I don't want to rock the boat at home too much so to speak as DH is always angry with me anymore. Thanks for listening. My heart is completely broken right now and I don't have anywhere else to turn. I shouldn't be tasked with trying to brace myself for another painful round of extreme GD on top of the fear of losing my husband and my family in the process.

[coralsky]

Oh hunni (((hugs))) I haven't posted on the main forums much, but I just couldn't read & run on this one.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that you are not alone. I think everyone on this site has experienced feelings like this at least once, or we would not be here.

I know you said you didn't want to talk to your doctor, but is it possible to go to him/her and ask to be referred to a counsellor?...you wouldn't have to go into detail with your doc- maybe just say you are going through a hard time at home and are worried about extra stress while being pregnant?...or if you don't feel comfortable doing that or talking to DH, what about your mum or a very close friend who you can trust to listen and support you?... if you don't feel comfortable talking to someone else, know that you can come on here to chat/vent anytime.

I am so sorry that you feel you might be heading for a breakdown...I have been there in the past (for different reasons) and I can say from experience that IF that happens (and that's one gigantic IF) you will get through it. Its really a horrible place to be, but it does get gradually easier...and I found the one positive thing about it was it forced me to look at what was really important in my life and all the good things I had to focus on, and really gave me a sense of perspective.

FWIW though, I read your sway and I think you have a great chance of pink!...I will keep everything crossed for you and pray pray pray you hear girl....don't give up yet!!

....and IF you hear boy, take your time to deal with your feelings, and vent away here!...you will not be disloyal in any way to your baby, only grieving for a dream of pink, which is a completely separate thing to the love you will have for your child... and know that you will love him so much your heart will burst when he arrives.

Hope you feel better soon, it may be you are just feeling a bit overwhelmed and emotional today (remember pg hormones are not kind on our emotions!)...I do hope you feel a bit better tomorrow x

[BabyGirl4Me]

Coralsky - Thank you so much for taking the time to write a response. I really appreciate the help and kind words you offered.

I haven't discussed my GD with any medical professionals because it seems that not many of them understand GD and from reading other posts on here and the other site, not a lot of people get a sympathetic or understanding person when they seek therapy for GD. My DH, mother, sister, friends I've talked with about it (not many IRL) do not understand my feelings at all. I'm very much the odd man out in a lot of my social groups - the vast majority have girls so they don't know what it's like to not know if you'll ever have the love of a daughter. Hence I vent my frustrations here and on my blog I set up on this site too.

If I do have a breakdown, it wouldn't be the first time it happened to me. I've survived all of them and came out better off as a result. However, I feel like the stakes are so much higher right now because I don't want my marriage to fail, and DH just doesn't understand what I'm going through every day.

If we hear girl next Friday, no it won't solve our marriage problems but it will certainly solve my huge GD problem and that in itself will make my life much easier and happier. I won't be living in an impenetrable black fog and I'll be in a much better position to address the issues in my marriage and talk with DH about what's wrong and work on solutions.

PG hormones certainly are not helping anything for me. That's yet another thing DH doesn't understand. It's the huge lack of understanding here that's putting our marriage under even more pressure right now.

I just want to fix my marriage and healing my GD will be a HUGE step in the right direction. However, if my GD gets much much worse if my sway failed...that's going to make things even worse in my marriage.

I really appreciate the prayers for pink - believe me I need em right now. I probably will feel better tomorrow. DS just went down for another nap and now that he's not screaming at me I feel a bit calmer. Thanks again for the comfort.

[HopefulMonster]

First I want to send you huge hugs just to hope that you realise you are not alone. You are not a bad person for wanting a daughter, hell I want my children to travel the world, never get sick, be really rich and successful, find true love, never have a day of loneliness in their lives and never get hurt. Shit, I don't know a single person who could honestly say that ALL they wanted was for their kids to be healthy at birth. Load of balls!!

That aside, of course you feel emotional!! Soon you find out for sure if you are having pink or blue, I so hope y9ou hear pink lovely but if you don't you will get a special prize instead - your little man will get a baby brother to love and share his childhood with. While you may not feel like it, your little superhero would much prefer a brother to grow up with!! I guess what I mean is that no matter how it turns out or how shit you feel, everything WILL be ok.

Sorry, words are so inadequate for how much we feel. I am about to ttc in the hopes of pink and the thought of hearing blue makes me bawl my eyes out so I do get it! Oh and I think men are so useless with anything to do with babies I really do! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Mrs_P]

I'm not sure i have anything to add that can help but just wanted to say i was thinking of you. I remember that early fear so well and the not knowing makes everything all the more worse. I genuinely felt i stood a chance until i fell pregnant and then it was like that had been taken away to but we couldn't do ht and adoption was not an option and i needed one more chance too (i knew i could love another boy but i also knew i needed a daughter and that whilst i would be ok with an opposite i struggled to know how to cope with the loss of a dream - but then if you don't try, you won't get!).

My husband tried to understand but i really don't think they can, no-one can unless they have genuinely experienced GD, logic and normal emotion do go out of the window - yes the health of the baby is most important but when your that bogged down its hard to see things with a clear perspective. Try not too be too harsh on him he will inevitably be feeling a bit helpless by it all and guilty that he potentially can't make it happen for you, worried by what could happen etc and is maybe just trying to make things easier on you by getting you to see the positives - i know it doesn't help you but he is maybe just dealing with it in the only way he knows how.

I really hope you hear pink but whatever happens we will be here if you want to chat and above all i hope the knowledge brings you some peace either way

[Soar]

I'm so sorry...I don't have great advice to add but I did want to say I think your sway was awesome! I think you did everything in your power and now it's up to God to meet you have way. I know what you mean when you think you have a chance before you get pregnant and then when you actually get that much wanted BFP your mind starts wondering who's in there? I think those feelings are totally normal!!! It's like you took the biggest test and you feel like you got all the right answers but then again you haven't gotten the test back so what if.....!

I know when my gender scan comes up I'm going to be soooo nervous too I think it's best for me to live in the "maybe it's a girl" dream for as long as possible.

I am praying you have a sweet pink bundle in there!

Either way this site and all the women on here are going to be here for you! You are not alone at all! So hold on to that too!

Prayers for pink!

[Alyssasmom789]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. We are possibly having our 3rd girl and my dhs brother has 3 girls and both my parents and Dh parents have no grandsons so I had and have so much pressure on me that this must be a boy.....not that I can do anything about that myself. I really don't want to keep having kids every few years to keep having girls and Dh will not stop he said unless he gets a boy. I'm so overwhelmed. I just keep praying an hoping that something will happen now or next baby because I do not more than 4. I can relate to you. Stay strong. Cry out to God and believe.

[BabyGirl4Me]

Wow. I am so thankful to all of you who responded. I was working last night and wasn't able to answer until now but thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts.

HopefulMonster - I thought your post was funny and you got me laughing about how people are hypocrites who say they "just want a healthy baby" because it really IS a "load of balls" as you say, LOL! Men really *are* useless with babies by and large. I am buying my son a toy baby doll when the baby is closer to the due date so I can show him how to hold and take care of a baby. If he learns at a young age, maybe he'll be more likely to help out if he has children of his own someday. Most of all though, like you said, no matter what happens to us in life everything really WILL be OK. Time heals all wounds if you give it time.

Mrs.P - thank you again for another kind and helpful post. What you described with your pregnancy is what I'm going through now. There's that hope that you can conceive your DG, and then it was like after I was pg for a while I started to become very afraid that I conceived another boy.
I find that most people really can't understand GD unless they themselves experience it. I don't think I've been hard on DH at all, I just try to explain how I feel and he gets angry with me. Objectively, I don't know if I can blame him for being angry with me because he doesn't feel the way I do...but I wish he'd try to be a bit more understanding about it or at least try not to get angry with me.

Soar - thank you for your post. I really do feel like I went as far as I personally could go with swaying. I truly do need God to meet me half way here, but I know from other swayers that sometimes God decides for whatever reason not to allow someone's sway to work. That's what scares me so much right now. The test analogy you gave is a good one for swaying. However, I've seen some sways where they seem to have done so many things the "right" way, but the sway still fails for whatever reason. I'm very afraid that could be what happens in my case. I do think the odds are in my favor for pink, but there's always that 1 in 10 chance you could pull the lone blue marble out of the sack that contains 9 other pink marbles, KWIM? Thank you so much for the prayers - I am praying for you and the other ladies on here that we all get the bundles of pink or blue that our hearts desire.

Alyssasmom - your story has been inspirational to me. I can only imagine the pressure you must be feeling right now. I do hope that perhaps your ultrasound was wrong, or perhaps you may be able to have a 4th child? I am following your post on that sperm spinning place and am strongly considering going there for our next child regardless of whether or not my sway fails or works. I definitely want 2 girls and those odds are good for pink - and even better for blue for you! Good luck with everything and please keep in touch with me so we can stay up to date with each other's progress. I have cried out to God, and I know that no matter what happens for both of us, God will never abandon us and will always be right beside us in good times and bad.

So an update - I had a dream last night that I had an ultrasound done (I was much further along in my pregnancy in the dream) and I was told I was having a little girl. I am starting to feel a bit better (although I realize that lots of people have had dreams where they get one gender, but find out they're having the other) but for right now the dream brought me some peace, so I'm going to take it and say thank you. DS is also not screaming at me today so they day is off to a better start so far.

Thanks again for all the kind words from all of you. I do feel much better now and more hopeful that things are going to get better between me and DH. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[coralsky]

Hi BG4M, just dropped in to check if you had posted again from yesterday and I am so so glad you are feeling a little better today....and I know exactly what you mean about your little one's mood affecting you, you are certainly not alone there!...it always amazes me how much my DS's mood affects me....when he being moany and crying all the time, all the other issues/problems in my life seem 10 times worse, but then when I hear the magic "giggling fits" he has now & then, all other problems seem to fade away, and I feel so truly happy & blessed!...it really is incredible how much our little ones can affect our moods....if only they knew what power they have! (although prob best if they don't realise LOL!)

I am astonished by what you said about medical professionals not being understanding re GD....I didn't know that others had gone to counsellors and had bad experiences, I think that's appalling!!!...I thought counsellors were supposed to be trained in being objective, non-judgemental, and understanding no matter what the issue was, and I am so sad to hear otherwise.
Well, at least we have this wonderful website and all the ladies on it who are so supportive and truly understand.

I do know what you are saying about people IRL not really understanding, and unless they have felt it themselves I don't think they truly *can* understand it. I have only talked to DH, my parents, and 2 very close friends about my true feelings, and whilst I am v lucky that they all listen & support me as best as they can, I think its only my mum who truly understands....even tho she obviously has a daughter (me lol!) she originally wanted 5girls, and ended up having 1girl+1boy....but also her sister and 3 of her close friends all had only boys, and I think all of them (at least 2 out of the 4, I know for a fact anyway) all had GD over having no girls, and that was obviously years ago when no one had heard of swaying or PGD. Also on the other side of my family, there are 2sisters who each had 2boys...one of whom was perfectly happy with her boys and had no GD, but the other had terrible post-natal depression when her DS2 was born...obviously this was years ago too, when it was not possible (or at least not widely available) to find out gender prior to birth, and given that this was the 4th child born in the family at the time (others all being boys) I think she set herself up for huge disappointment, as she thought her "odds" were that she "had" to have a girl that time!....she fully admits that she had a terrible time, and even "hated" others who got a girl...but now all of these ladies are grandmothers and all have at least 1 DGD (darling grand-daughter) and they all say that the love they now feel for their DGD has more than made up for the GD they had having only sons....anyway I am rambling now, but my point is GD is not a new thing!....we are not the first to feel this way, and certainly wont be the last. And at least we have to be grateful that there are some things that can be done through swaying (even for those of us who cant do PGD for whatever reason) to at least improve our chances, and feel we have done all we can to try & fulfil our dream of raising our DG.

As far as DH is concerned I think it is so true what hopeful monster was saying about men just not getting it!!...my DH certainly doesn't although I am lucky that he tries to help as much as he can, even though he doesn't really share my feelings (or certainly not to the same extent!) but I do always wonder if *some* men may feel a bit differently if they had lots of girls and no boys, and were desperate for a son!...I also wonder if your DH is secretly angry at himself because he feels he "potentially" cant fix this for you??...I think that in general men always want to "fix" things rather than just listening and understanding; when often we want the latter, not the former, from them (if you have ever read the book "men are from mars, women are from venus" you will know what I mean- that book had me in stitches at times, all of it so true!), I also find it sometimes helps me when my DH is getting frustrated with me, to remind him that I don't WANT to feel like this, but I just cant help it....if I said I "wasn't bothered" about potentially never having a daughter, I would be lying....but that doesn't mean that *if* that happens, it would be the worst thing ever, just that I believe that if didn't at least *try* for what I really want out of life, I would never get it!...KWIM??

Anyway, I am so glad you are feeling better, you were in my thoughts so much last night....and I really hope you and DH can work through any issues, and that hopefully he may be a little more supportive.
And I will keep you in my prayers for pink too! I really think you have a great chance at a DD!!...but either way, I think it will get easier once you know the gender, even if it is not the news you are hoping for, I think that it will be easier to deal with your feelings once you know for sure....maybe this is just me, but I always find in so many things in life that the "not-knowing" (or "limbo-land") is worse than potentially getting *bad* news....at least once you know what you are dealing with, in most cases- I find it easier to work through it & move on.

Please keep us updated with your scan, and how you are feeling about it all, and feel free to chat anytime if it helps at all.

[Mathilde]

Your post hit me as it hit so many others. We ladies here are in many ways real soul-sisters I like to picture the globe at night with thousands of tiny lights spread all over, in clusters and far apart, each being one of us "lonely" with our dreams, but connected here. Its so good not to be completely alone Hugs to you all!
Mathilde