Longgggg feelings vent that I need to get out

[SugarSpice&EverythingNice]

This is a longggg feelings/random thought post that I have to get off my chest. I need to tell people who understand me. So if you get through the post thank you

My sons are 3 and 4 and I STILL have GD. I thought GD goes away or gets easier.

Some days I secretly think that if I could trade both of my boys for just one daughter. JUST ONE DAUGHTER.... that I would be so much happier. That my life would be complete and that all the stars would align. That the world would be "right"

That somehow my life would be so much better, that I would be so much closer with my child. That I wouldn't have to get pregnant again, gain weight, ruin my body even more.

I feel so terrible for even saying that. I feel like I don't deserve to even have happy, healthy children.

Some days I wish that I had learned about swaying a long time ago, so that I could have tried to sway for a DD.

I don't know if its just the GD, but I sometimes feel like I even resent my children for being boys. I feel like *this is NOT how my family was suppose to be*. IIIII was suppose to be an ALL girl mom. I don't feel close with them at all. Its hard to get on the floor and play with them because boy toys just aren't interesting to me.

I am going to be ttc pink in august, but fear that because I feel so strongly about having a daughter that I WILL indeed get another boy because God or somebody is trying to punish me.

If I somehow do end up conceiving a daughter, I think that my GD would immediately clear up, and that I could get closer with my ALL my children because I would have a complete family.

I also have huge huge guilt about thinking this to myself also....
if I get pregnant and its a boy, I was thinking of giving it up for adoption or having an abortion because I think that my GD would get the best of me and that I would be consumed with anger/disappointment. BUTTTTTTT.....

THEN I snap back out of it. I would NEVER have an abortion, or give my child up for adoption.

When I get pg and go for the ultrasound, I think I am going to have them put a potty shot and gender in an envelope and open it up at home when I am ready, because I would be very ashamed to burst into tears in front of the ultrasound tech. I have thought of things to do to cheer myself up/make the best of it if I do get another boy. But I can't think of things that would cheer me up. I have tried to brace myself but I just tell myself, if I have a 3rd son, that I am FOR SURE going HT for a fourth & fifth to get daughters.

Whew. That felt really good to tell somebody. This has been bottled up for too long, and I can't tell people in real life, because they would just think I was was a bad/selfish undeserving mom.

[Rose]

My sincere advice is to go HT for your next pregnancy. Don't wait until your 4th. It's not worth it to take the risk of the GD you would experience and the strain on you and your family if you had a 3rd son. all the best.

[TTC5]

You most definately are not, and will not, be punished xoxoxoxox

[Zivic-Bubac]

Honey, you are not alone with those feelings
I feel the same, only in the opposite direction - this wasn't suppose to be my family, I always knew with all my being I will have boys...right...

If I knew for sure my 3rd baby is meant to be a girl, I wouldn't even try. If I could afford HT, I would do it in a heart beat.

And of course I love my daughters and I realize how truly blessed DH and me are, but then again I would kill/die for 2 boys

Hang in there, maybe God's plan is to give you for sure, just think positive and sway hard! (that's my philosophy for getting my )

[puppydogstails]

My sincere advice is to go HT for your next pregnancy. Don't wait until your 4th. It's not worth it to take the risk of the GD you would experience and the strain on you and your family if you had a 3rd son. all the best.

I've got to say i agree with Rose. if HT is an option for you then i would do it and make sure your third is a girl, if you feel that strongly about it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[lindi]

I also agree with Rose. Do whatever is necessary to make HT a reality for you, because if you are willing to do it down the line, you could save yourself a lot of heartache by doing it *now*. Its more effective the younger you are, too...
And I also believe that events that happen in life are never a punishment. Please don't feel you would be punished for feeling the way you do. You are human.

[gossie]

I read this post and closed it without commenting but I had to come back because I think you need support right now.

I felt very much the same way during my second pregnancy. I had thoughts that make me cringe to recall now. GD is a rough, rough thing. And although I made peace with it before I gave birth and now am 1000% over the moon in love with my little guy AND my GD has diminished to the point where I can honestly say days/weeks go by when I don't even think about it, I would still NEVER TTC naturally again. It's just not worth the risk of going back there again.

If you can go HT, do it.

[babyblue]

What are the odds that she would have her girl going HT? I'm in the same boat but opposite gender. I often thought why can't I trade gender (not child) with another mom out there who is as desperate as I am. I would give up my girl for a mom who doesn't want a boy. But this would mean that I would not have known my baby girl. I know that is not possible but if this were a perfect world we would all have our desired genders. How come some couples have it all and others it feels like nothing at all!!! I know that is awful to say because I love my girls dearly but one can't control the thoughts and feelings that come with GD!!

[Halah]

My sincere advice is to go HT for your next pregnancy. Don't wait until your 4th. It's not worth it to take the risk of the GD you would experience and the strain on you and your family if you had a 3rd son. all the best.

I agree with this.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Good luck TTC, be it with HT or swaying.

[Rose]

What are the odds that she would have her girl going HT? I'm in the same boat but opposite gender.

The potential for success with HT is very high the younger you are. HT is 100% accurate for gender... so it's just a question of producing enough healthy eggs to end up with a healthy female embryo that implants. Women in their early 30s tend to do really well, especially if they can afford two cycles. I am trying for the first time at 39 (after three sons, so i spoke from experience in my advice to Sugar&Spice)... and I only have six follicles. Ideally, you want to start with 15 - 20.

I love my third son with all of my heart, but I had extreme GD during his pregnancy and it was so hard on our marriage to convince my husband to go try for a 4th with HT. It was also hard on my friendships. Most of my friends simply didn't understand, and I think their opinion of me changed.

If you would do HT for a 4th, you should do it instead for a 3rd.