Giving up....

[Adia]

I worked last night at the hospital....it was a busy night, a bit of a downer with all the old people and the realities of getting older staring me in the face. I was sitting down for a few minutes because my feet were killing me and I started thinking about swaying....I honestly felt like I should just give up and move on, it was the first time I have genuinely felt that way.

I couldn't tell you why I had such a strong feeling to give up, but I did and now I am torn. I have tried to get better at listening to my instinct and follow it because it's usually correct.

Pregnitude has done wonders in balancing the effects of the HE on my hormones. While I think the HE is a great diet and I felt fantastic while doing as prescribed, my hormones have a tendency to go into hyper-imbalanced-over-efficiency mode and I think that has delayed a solid pregnancy for me.

I am finishing up AF right now & doing the things that have become routine, coconut water, full fat yogurt every day, etc. I really want to say that I think I have a good chance this month but I have said that so many times before only to be very wrong.

We have held on to our crib, car seat, cloth diapers, etc all in the hope of another baby but it just isn't happening within the scope of what I can make happen. We can't afford HT or any further fertility treatments....my kids are getting older by the day...DD3 will be 6 this summer. DD1 will be 15 this summer and we are starting to set goals for her relating to college....and I want to have a baby in all of this??

Honestly, I DO want to have a baby, it just isn't happening. I think I have reached an equilibrium of desire/defeat. For so long I was 100% desire and 0% defeat. After 2 miscarriages and over 12 months of BFN the imbalance has shifted and I think I hit 50/50 in regards to desire/defeat.

As much as I feel like giving up, I know I am not ready....but reality is I may have to be very soon.
I am just venting, not expecting any particular response from anyone, just getting out my thoughts in a safe place. I should probably blog this, but I am not consistent enough to keep up a blog at this point.

[Mulberry Smurf]

I have no words just a massive hug. Do what you feel is best and make the best of what you do xx

[missmegrn]

I am in the same position as you at times. It's hard when reality starts chipping away at your hopes, dreams, and desires and starts making the way for defeat and the possibility of giving up what you have worked so hard for.
The longer it takes to get pregnant, the more reality sets in and makes you question what you really want and desire vs the true reality of the situation.

Although I want another child, hopefully a son, at least once a week the thought of "what am I doing?" or "why am I doing this?" pops into my head. The longer it takes me to get pg, the more waivering dh's support is even though he does want what I want. It took some time to get him to the point of accepting that I wanted another child, and now that he's there, I am afraid that one day he will decide enough is enough and be done with it.

My kids are young and our life is chaotic. DH works 60-72 hrs a week at this job and I work around 36-40 with mine. This schedule alone, makes life very difficult. My parents live out of state 1700 miles away, so we rely on his family for help. Our two caregivers, MIL and dh's grandma have our kids when we both work, and both caregivers have underlying health issues so we try not to place too much stress on them. We have a good balance right now and I know how much having a third child would disrupt that, but I still would like a third child. But again, the longer it takes to get pg, the more "reasonable" side comes forth and I begin to think about just giving it up for now or forever.

I can tell you that once you are done with school things should be better. going to school and working is very hard and I applaud those who do it. Nursing is especially hard, especially shift/floor work. With nursing, though, you have a lot of options it's just getting the right door to open and for you to find what you really want to do.

At the end of the day, you have to be 100% okay with whatever decision you make otherwise there will be regret and what ifs. Unfortunately gender desire makes things difficult because although we have the potential to be happy with what we do have, the desire/disappointment makes it difficult to be happy sometimes and sometimes puts blinders over our eyes to block reality out.

I wish you all the luck in world with whatever you decide and I pray that you get what you want/desire either way.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone and there are a bunch of us rooting for you.

[atomic sagebrush]

Adia, I have no advice other than I know it feels crazy to consider adding a baby when the kiddos are older but for me it was really a great experience (and I think very good for the boys as well.) My son was 21 years old when I had my daughter!!! I think follow your heart and don't worry how others perceive it.

Wishing you the very very best!!!!

[1+2+3boys]

hugs xoxo

[hotdogz&boyz]

I didn't want to read and run. But I only have hugs and support to offer. It must be a hard place to be in. I hope either peace or pregnancy happens very soon

[Adia]

Thanks ladies, its means a lot that so many people understand my dilemma.
I am not ready to give up. Just had to get that vein of despair out of my head on to paper.

I want to respond more but i don't have time right now, I will soon. Thanks for the support.

[Mulberry Smurf]

Here when you're ready xx

[Mrs_Incredible]

Sending you hugs and ALL my blue dust xxxxx

[prayforprincess]

Pleeeaaase -- take my blue dust!

I could not read and run either. I know exactly how you are feeling. I have cried endless times wanted to give up in this journey to have #4 -- there were moments I just could not do it anymore and there was a time I began to emotionally break and I did have to step away from swaying and ttc -- everything. Ttc and have a daughter was consuming me and taking away from everything else in my life - in a huge way I did give up and surrendering to everything was actually when I did conceive. I told myself that people get pregnant with dd's all the time without swaying - so I absolutely could too. And I convinced myself that if this happened- without the ht and without the swaying that I would have to trust that God knew how badly I had tried, and He knew how badly I wanted a daughter and that He would somehow bless me with what was right for me and my family and I would be able to accept that as what was meant to be.
Now that I am pregnant (and don't know what it is yet) - I'm wondering if I was a fool. I wish I had been more careful and begun a sway again before falling pg. But my luck I wouldn't have fallen pg when trying to sway so hard and it would've taken me down again.
I can't tell you what's right or wrong - I feel like we do what we need to in the moment to go on, and sometimes we have more strength at times than others.
I can empathize having older kids. Mine aren't quite as old as yours, but my youngest will be 5 1/2 when this baby is born and my oldest will be 9. I began trying ht (never imagining it would not work for us!) when my youngest was only 1 1/2. I never imagined in my wildest dreams it would take me nearly 4 years to have another child. And at this point - my youngest is starting kindergarten in Sept. and all 3 boys are in school! Here I am starting over. I just never thought it would play out like this - but I guess life doesn't always play out how we think it will or how we want it to.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. It takes so much strength to go on with trying to conceive your dream gender (especially when it doesn't happen right away) and very few understand how our GD consumes us and takes ttc to a whole other place.
Good luck in whatever lies ahead for you -- I hope you get meet your baby boy very soon.