Trying to decide about TTC

[Jamie86]

Hello Everyone!

I joined a while ago at the end of 2011 and swayed for a girl and was so very lucky to get pregnant with our little girl on our first attempt. She was born September of 2012 and we have thought for a while our family was complete. So I kind of disappeared from the forums. However, now my husband and I are debating having another child. We originally wanted 4 children however, our oldest son has high functioning Autism and our 2nd son has suspected ADHD (he is only *almost* 4 and they don't officially diagnose until 6 or older but DH has ADHD and that combined with the signs he shows now leads our pediatrician to think an ADHD diagnosis could be coming down the line). I say those things to say parenting has been a bit more difficult than we originally thought and we have no real support system (our families both SUCK majorly and just tell us we should not have had the kids in the first place) and that lead us to a decision of no more. But right now I'm getting that all to familiar "baby ache" and even though I'm so so tired at the end of every day and have even questioned what I was thinking having 3 a few times I feel I might regret it later in life if we don't have any more. But then I sometimes wonder if the thought of having no more will always make me sad no matter how many we have and it's just something I need to get past. To add even more to the decision we have also discussed adoption (my DH was adopted and has a desire to help a child). I guess I'm just looking for someone to commiserate with and was not really sure of where to go and remembered how supportive everyone was here when I was TTC my DD.

[angielorna]

I think a lot of women still have "the urge" no matter how many children they have. I know that I contemplate whether or not a third is a good idea (for many reasons). But when it boils down to it, when I look at my family, I feel someone is missing. I will look at my boys and think about what our third (hypothetical) child would be doing (sleeping in the swing, playing with them, learning to crawl)....The decision is yours and not your familys (my family would love for me to have more, so that's not an issue for us...except pressure to have more). It's a personal decision....if you feel you and your DH can support another children (emotionally and financially) and you are both on board, then I think you're good to go (whether it be naturally or adoption).

Angie

[Jamie86]

Yeah I guess that's the issue, sometimes I feel that someone is missing and then other times I think I'm so overwhelmed already how could I even consider another. And that's where the family support comes in, not that I want them to weigh in on the decision of having another child just that I wish we had people around us who also loved our children. Mainly because I feel sad for my children. I know they don't notice much now but things like not being able to have birthday parties because no one would come. When we had our daughter we had 1 "visitor" after she was born, my mom, most of our family hasn't even met her (she's 20 months). That just turned into a whine session so I'm sorry for that but that is why I mentioned family support being a consideration in our decision. My DH says he wants another but doesn't want to push me so I guess I just have a lot more thinking to do. I have heard others so confidently say they are done having children so I guess I've wondered if everyone gets that feeling but you are probably right there are probably some women who will always have "the urge." Thank you for your thoughtful response and good luck!

[angielorna]

Oh, wow, that was not what I was thinking about your lack of family support! It's heartbreaking that they haven't even MET your daughter...that's so sad. But I'm sure you, DH and your boys love her enough for everyone!!!! At least your DH is supportive I had to browbeat mine into submission and it took almst 4 years! (our DS2 is 3.5). And just because I feel someone is missing doesn't mean I don't have those "what are you thinking, you want another one?!?!" days (or weeks). I'm sure you will figure out what will be best for you, DH and your kids.
Angie

[Jamie86]

Thank you so much for the encouraging words! It is sad they haven't met her and I know it's their loss (she is amazing as are our boys even though I might be just a little biased). And I am very glad DH is on board but he's the type that is always up for something new! I guess my OCD brain needs to get over the notion that all our kids have to be equally spaced. That is why I'm feeling so much pressure to decide now because I know that if we wait much longer the time difference between 3 and 4 will be noticeably longer than between 1 and 2 and also 2 and 3 (they are 2 years and 3 months apart each). I need to remember we have time; we had kids young (sometimes I worry too young) and our youngest is only 20 months.

[atomic sagebrush]

Good luck and I wish you peace and joy!!!

[beingmommy]

I don't know if you are still visiting here but I am in a similar situation!

My DS1 was born in 2007 and has autism. He needed so much from us for so long, we thought we would not have another. But then things started going really well and we had DS2 last year. That pregnancy was hard for me, healthy but hard (lots of nausea, pelvic pain, and scary bleeding issues the first trimester). And then the sib adjustment for DS1 has been challenging. He adores his little brother but he definitely could use some more attention from me. I homeschool him. We also have had very little support living on the opposite side of the country from all our family. The one amazing thing for us is my parents are moving to our city this week (after months of prep) and that is going to be very helpful. One other wrinkle for us is that I am 41 (will be 42 this fall) and DH is 46. So we are running out of time if we want to try for one more baby.

I thought we'd be done after DS2 but ever since he was born I have been thinking about having one more. Literally every day, even on the most difficult days. Part of it is I would love one more chance for a girl. And then also I just always wanted more kids and getting a taste of it with DS2 and managing even though it is hard has reawakened my old dream.

ANYWAY I just wanted to empathize. I really know where you are coming from. I am not sure I have any good advice other than to just keep considering it and see what feels right. We haven't completely decided yet and won't for at least 6 more months. DS2 was a C-section so I need to wait until he is 18 mo before I consider pregnancy again. But after some long talks with DH (who was initially against it) I think we are leaning towards it. I keep thinking I would never regret a child I had but I could regret not having one I wanted.

[Keshet]

I would live to hear what you both decide. I'm ttc #4. I'm also a the same age beingmommy. It's been an enormous struggle for me. Thinking about it daily. Knowing that I have some tired days and some days that I just can't handle one more thing. HT and swaying have not worked out for us. But, when I think about what would bring me the most joy of all scenarios, it's another child. This has been one of the most stressful decisions of my life. I am going for IUI in a couple of days. Terrified....excited...and obsessed....

[Keshet]

I meant "love to hear"

[beingmommy]

It's amazing how much this can take over your brain! Good luck with your IUI! Are you doing HT swaying with it?

I am still going back and forth a bit. I know I want to try again. I know I would love a little girl for our family. I know I would love another little boy if that was what was meant to be. I do worry about the pregnancy which are always hard for me. And the exhaustion. But we will see!