For those of you with three boys wanting a girl...

[KidAtHeart]

Here's my story. Actually, it's for anyone with gd. It's more a reply to anyone who asks "should I have another child?" "is it worth it?" "do we go over our 'number'?". To make a long story short, we have three boys, I had gd basically for ten years (although badly after number 3 was born). I convinced my husband not only to have a fourth but to go ht. HT was a failure, so I gave all my stuff away. I was trying to move on but was still sad so we tried one last time (okay, twice!) to conceive before putting back the iud. Then found out I was pregnant! And then we had our long-awaited daughter. And the first year was wonderful. Having a newborn with no toddler was bliss. I had professional pictures taken three times and got the most adorable outfits for her to wear. It was everything I ever dreamed of. It was still hard to juggle three other kids with a newborn, but I didn't care, I was so happy to have her in my life.

And then she grew into a toddler. She is still the cutest, sweetest little thing. But, she is every bit as curious as her brothers were. She doesn't sit still. Ever. She's a climber. She's not talking yet (15 months), so communicating is frustrating for both of us. She is tearing apart the house. I will say, the toddler years have always been my achilles heel. I can't wait until she's older and grows out of this. I don't want to wish my time away (I know, I know, 'it goes so fast') but it is SO HARD having a toddler again. She really is just another kid, whatever the gender. So if you are deciding whether or not to 'go for it', really think hard and think, "do I want another person in our family?". I have never regretted having her. Even if she had been a boy, this stage would still suck and I would still have gotten through it and I would have accepted having a boy. Though I'm sure I would have been resentful. Now the only resentful person is my husband. We had a horrendous fight tonight. To be fair, he is a great husband and father and he loves his children - all of them. When the sh*t hit the fan today though, he did pull out the resentment card. Four children is definitely a strain on the marriage. Ours will be fine once again - we've been through harder patches than this and survived - but at some point, know that this will be an issue.

In fact, every fear you are having now will be realized. And so will every joy. Going back to the toddler stage sucks every bit as much as you think it will. And certain things (most things, ha!) are harder. Having three boys - well, they were fairly close in age and have common interests. We were just to the point of being able to go on vacation and actually have it feel like a vacation. Now, we drag along the one year old. None of our friends have babies, so we are definitely the ones who are juggling at a restaurant or the pool. But on the flip side, there are moments of just pure joy. When I planned her first birthday party, I remember the feeling of walking through the 'pink' aisle at party city and feeling like I 'belonged', for once. I can shop at Gymboree and buy a tutu on sale and it brings me so much happiness that it's pathetic!

Even though my dream came true and I feel so fortunate, there are still days that are just… I can't wait until they are all in bed. When I think, 'but I got everything I wanted! Why do I feel this way?', I just have to remember, life is hard and toddlers are crazy. And she will get older and it will get easier. I do thank God every day for this miracle. GD is what brought me to this stage and without gd, I would definitely not have all four of my children. I think no matter what you are facing, you still have to choose to happiness. Only you can truly decide what happiness is for you. Is it enjoying a 'simpler' life with the beautiful children you already have? Or is it stepping into the unknown and accepting another child into your life - regardless of gender (for those not going ht)? Whatever you decide, you will be trading in one set of problems for another. There will always be challenges to face, regrets, resentments… As for myself, I had my eyes fairly open, I jumped in anyway. I'm definitely not sorry I did.

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining. I got my wish and I am so so grateful. My intention is to say - whatever you are feeling, it doesn't go away, it just lessens over time. GD will lessen. Regret may actually strengthen (I think it would have for me, anyway). The fears, the joys, all of it - yes, it's all there. If you say you can't go back to the infant / toddler age - sure you can. You just keep your head down and muscle through, one day at a time. But it is going to be hard, don't kid yourself. And if you choose happiness with what you have, you probably will have some days with gd regret. But you'll have other days that you're having so much fun with your kids that you won't even think about it. There really is no right answer, it's just what you can live with and what is best for your family.

[ejk741]

I agree with this. Our "number" was two. Two was our max and I NEEDED my boy. I was desperate to have him so I went HT. I ended up with identical twins! Seriously... What are the odds? Having three has put such a strain on our lives/marriage/money. 3 meant new vehicles, a new house in a couple years, two infants in daycare. Some days it wish I could just go back to the way things were. But then I find my sons holding hands and the feeling melts away.

[1+2+3boys]

Thanks for posting. It would so be like that for me. Harder with one more child as I am busy enough with three and it is all I ever wanted but still really need my girl. I don't want to do it all again knowingly unless it is for a girl so hoping we can save the money for HT and have it work otherwise I will have to weigh things up heavily before considering trying again naturally. So glad you got your girl in the end xo

ejk, ID twins are the best! Mine are almost 2.5 and are the best of friends. I'm so lucky! I only plan to put back one embie as I know how hard twins are, I can't imagine the irony if it split on us! Still I'd rather two girls than none

[atomic sagebrush]

Great post. I agree with everything you say. I pushed it to the limit financially and sanity wise and while I did end up getting my daughter...and of course would do it all again in a heartbeat...it ISN'T easy and since she's been a toddler, I have at (many) times lost sight of that joy that I felt during my pregnancy and for that first year when she was a newborn, and it's just work to me. I think once she grows out of it, it may get easier but it has definitely been stressful and it is not all I dreamed it would be.

[granddaughter]

Thanks for the honest post, I do wonder if my daughter does go for the 3rd, how much of a strain it will put on everyone. having the two boys just 13 months apart is over whelming at times, you just have to wonder if going for the 3rd is the best idea.

[nuthinbutpink]

Amen.

[Adia]

Thank you Kidatheart and all the others who have chimed in. Posts like this are an absolute lifeline to people like me who are still swimming in GD but slowly realizing getting that DG won't fix any problem except the issue of the missing gender!
Big hugs mamas....

[Keshet]

This is a great post. I'm so glad for your honesty. I too have had mixed feelings, thinking about how much harder life will be. It's at night before they are in bed when I think it's a terrible idea. And the next morning I want another again. It makes it very difficult to keep trying each time when I have these thoughts. But here I am, trying again.

[jmomof3girls]

Thanks for sharing. I have such an amazing little family with my 3 girls and we're very happy. Yes we have our hands full but we love it. I often wonder what a 4th child would be like in our family. Especially with my my DH working such long hours. I have 2 friends with 5 kids and they are both very overwhelmed. Although, they started their families VERY young. I appreciate your honesty.

[iluvmy4sons]

Great post. I could have written most of that myself. I never saw myself with 5 kids and wouldn't trade if for anything, but it is hard sometimes. Juggling the other kids and their activities in the evenings mostly myself since my husbands works afternoons.


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